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 demux21
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 18
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Not sure whyPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
She is an attentiom whore.She does not sleep around but she loves the chase. The question is can you handle it. If not get out it will not get beter.
 jjoenyc73
Joined: 11/9/2012
Msg: 19
Not sure why
Posted: 2/19/2013 8:38:54 PM
I can't say for sure that she is chatting guys. Neither can you. Whenever phone is on people will be seen as logged in. Also maybe she is for forums. The bigger problem is communication. Is something bothers you ,say it. Force her to respond. If her answer doesn't suit you then say you don't agree and walk away. If she really cares she will come running. If she doesn't you saved yourself grief. I don't understand how guys get in these messes. Your a man. Act like one. Take initiative. It's like you are afraid to lose her so you keep quiet about it. If you are cool with what she does fine. But would you then have posted here?
 12thour
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 20
Not sure why
Posted: 2/19/2013 8:42:22 PM
Nope Nope Nope Nope...can I say NOPE here?

There is no reason to be on a dating site if you are committed to someone. PERIOD.

Would you be OK with her going to a bar or a club without you nightly? This is a singles place where SINGLES only (yea I know) are supposed to go to find someone else they are attracted to. Does she need other men to find her attractive? I know I sure don't...only one man will matter to me and all other men can go shoot a duck. When I find my guy (and I don't know if he is on the internet or not) I am getting off this thing and will be glad to do so. My ego doesn't need or want any man to be attracted to me but the one I have.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 21
Not sure why
Posted: 2/19/2013 8:51:53 PM
few weeks I can understand not very sure about your date , but six months past by and she is still communicating with others and I dont understand what fun are you getting checking on her . move on it is not worth it
 1WishList
Joined: 11/22/2012
Msg: 24
Not sure why
Posted: 2/19/2013 9:04:58 PM
It's only been 6 months.
According to you, your level is close to marriage. That's really quick.
You also state that she is very loyal.
Consider this: she is looking around and making sure, by way of continuing looking, that you could be her 'One'.
Maybe you should relax a little and quit spying on her and let her come to her own decision.
You cannot sway her into wanting what you want, when you want it, or how you want it.
Be patient and find out, in time.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 25
Not sure why
Posted: 2/19/2013 9:10:38 PM

Is this normal,

Maybe.
I don't know what you are comparing it to.
Her behavior or mine?
For me it's not normal.
For her it might be normal.

You say you've been in a relationship with this woman for 6 months, if she's been consistently doing this the entire time, then it's probably her normal behavior.

I don't really understand this:

been with this woman...for the last six months... We have slowed downed and backed up a little in our romance...our lever of a relationship which is very close to marrige

Six months, problem occurs, you slow down and back up because of it, problem persists, you're close to marriage?
So you're saying you've slowed down and backed up to marriage?

Or is this just kind of a biased way of saying "We rushed into a relationship, something wasn't perfect, I pouted and pulled away to punish her for not changing her behavior, it didn't work, so now I'm pretending everything's normal until I can attack the problem and get her to behave how I want her to more successfully?"

I'm not sure what this means either:

secretly challenged the date sites for her attention

That seems to me you are wondering if you should be playing more games.
Like you are going to start chasing her more, demanding more of her time, calling instead of texting, so she literally doesn't have enough time to sign into dating sites? You aren't really chasing her to express or communicate your feelings, you are simply doing it in order to manipulate her behavior from something...which is a game.


Thanks for you help people, really mean that.

All you can really do is tell her how it makes you feel, anything you are willing to do about it, and hope she cares.
Then you can either accept whatever she does about it, ignore it, fight about it, or find someone else.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 26
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Not sure why
Posted: 2/19/2013 9:30:47 PM
With an online world lots of the normal validation becomes suspect. If your babe tossed out all her attractive clothes, stopped washing her car and let herself go just because she was dating it be really odd.

Most women like to keep a leg in. It should be expected. Don't get distracted. Pay attention to your date and make things work.
 THEMEPACK
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 27
Not sure why
Posted: 2/20/2013 2:28:03 AM
Its hard for some people to go from many to just one and I would guess to say this is more true for the ladies as most men get diddly squat attention on "dating" sites.
I think you are correct in keeping your eyes wide open, its your relationship not ours.
I must say you are the first Cowboy I have seen on here that actually has a horse. (take note ladies) Best of luck with your future endeavours.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 28
Not sure why
Posted: 2/20/2013 3:36:00 AM
Op:

Here is the deal.....She is continuing to use these sites because she is getting something from it. Call it a rush, attention or whaterever But the question is why does she need this "attention" to validate her self worth? Usually, when two people reach the level of relationship that you have, there is no need to keep your options open or feel need for others to validate that you are attractive. Step back from her behavior and ask yourself: "Can I live with her chatting with other men until she works her issues out on her own?" If so don't make a big about it and continue to find ways to show her her worth to you.

If this behavior is a big problem for you.... Ask yourself if it is a "deal breaker".....If so, then you can give her an ultimatum.....There are times in all types of relationships that boundaries need to be set. Be warned though, that you should do some serious thinking before you choose this option. You need to be emotionally prepared for both possible outcomes! She may say okay and delete accounts or she may end relationship! Don't want to hear you posting in the broke hearts forum!

The most important thing is to figure out is where your boundaries are and what your deal breakers are! Good luck!
 funny4uwannatry
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 29
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Not sure why
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:50:59 AM
I think the mere fact you posted this, you are having a problem with what she is doing. If it were me, I would be having a sit down discussion about acceptable boundaries in your relationship. I do not think its a good idea to need attention of many once a person is in a relationship. The fact that you continue to spy on her also tells me there is a lack of trust in this relationship. I would suggest a open discussion about what is and what is not acceptable in your relationship. I too was confused when you stated you slowed down and you were getting ready for marriage in the same paragraph. The key word there was you, not "we". Personally, if a man I was dating feels the need to keep his options open after 6 months, he is not the man for me. I would not want to be an option for anyone.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 30
Not sure why
Posted: 2/20/2013 5:46:17 AM
IF you have any doubts about this woman, the best thing you can do is to take her out to a little local bar... and have one of your good looking buddies try to pick her up while you head off to the bathroom for 5 minutes. Someone who is totally into you and committed to you, won't like the attention - not at all. They will think that it is rude that some guy is coming on to them while they are on a date with someone else. Someone who is not quite ready for a commitment will enjoy the attention in real life and might even exchange numbers with this guy. Honestly, I can understand why someone would be online because they are bored. It's better than watching TV. I can overlook limited activity. No big deal... as long as there are NO date cancellations and the rest of the relationship is fine. However, if the "need for attention" behavior translates into real life, I agree it is disloyal. It shows someone who has the bigger, better deal mentality.... These people might be fun to hang around with. They just aren't commitment worthy.
 sweetsmilesjust4you
Joined: 1/14/2013
Msg: 31
Not sure why
Posted: 2/20/2013 8:34:28 AM
If I was head over heels in love with someone, the last thing I would do is go on a dating site and message with other men. Common sense would tell me this could cause distrust between this person and I and the last thing I would want is to lose someones trust that I love. Not only that, but it would be so disrespectful to them, and I would not want to disrespect the man I love in any way. I would not want or feel the need to have other men hitting on me. So to answer your question no I would not say this is normal.

Peoples actions sometimes do speak louder than words, but I do believe that if you don't have strong communication that alot of assumptions, are sometimes made that aren't so. You should sit down with her and talk about all this and then decide how you want to proceed. Find out what her thoughts and feelings are and let her know what your's are. Be completely honest with her about how you feel.......I know for myself, if I know something I do bothers someone else, I won't do it....not only out of consideration for them, but because it matters to me if my actions bother or hurt the person I care about.

Good luck to you. : )
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 32
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Not sure why
Posted: 2/20/2013 10:48:05 AM
Move on, she likes and wants the attention of others, what happens when she meets someone she thinks is hot IRL that puts the moves on her? I'll tell you exactly what will happen, she will dump you like a bag of rotten potatoes to be with them. And so the cycle continues.

What has her relationship history been like?
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 33
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Not sure why
Posted: 2/20/2013 11:16:11 AM
Not sure why... you are asking here? Shouldn't you be talking to her about this. The fact you feel you can't tells me you are worried about harming your relationship. If that is the case, perhaps its not as strong as you first thought. Just saying.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 34
Not sure why
Posted: 2/20/2013 12:25:27 PM
After the first two months I felt something special and told her I was done shopping and terminated my profile on POF and another site. She didnt say anything but of course smiled

It is at this point where the relationship would have most likely ended for me. Once "the talk" is initiated about being exclusive and removing the dating profiles, there really is no turning back. It's like saying "i love you".. there is no taking it back. If she didn't agree to remove hers as well, I would have most likely cut her loose to do what she wanted.. pursue other men.
 Madailein
Joined: 6/9/2012
Msg: 35
Not sure why
Posted: 2/20/2013 2:04:09 PM

we both have just fallen head over heals in love. We cant get each other off of our minds,
she continues to visit two single date sites practically nightly. A lot of the time right after work she is on these sites and a lot of the time while texting me she well be chating with someone else.
should she have even been on them at all at our lever of a relationship which is very close to marrige. We really do love each other

It is a one-sided love affair. You are smitten, she is looking for better.
Some need to fill their voids with anyone who will put up with them while seeking their heart’s desire.
You are filling a void until the right one comes along.
Exclusivity is valid only when it is mutual.


I can't say for sure that she is chatting guys. Neither can you.

You missed this:
“After a Vegas trip I confronted her about the usage of these sites at our level of relationship and she just said that she never seen any of these men she just visits with them as they message her or wink or fav her.”

She visits with them, akin to chatting, no?

OP, you’ve accepted her less than desirable relationship behavior for six months. Obviously you don’t expect much in return for your affections. I do not think that is likely to change.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 37
Not sure why
Posted: 2/13/2015 2:14:38 PM
There are a lot of other threads with the same situation. The first question people usually ask is "How do you know she's on those dating sites unless you are on them too?" I guess you didn't permanently delete your profile on those sites.-or if you did, you created a new profile to check up on her. Plus your profile here doesn't mention anything about being in a relationship. In fact, you have "Looking for relationship" in the intent. What's that saying about kettle and pot?

The bottom line is you don't trust her. Without trust, there is no relationship. By the way, does she know that you two are close to marriage, or is this a secret just between you and us?
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 38
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History
Not sure why
Posted: 2/13/2015 3:26:35 PM
I doubt op is here anymore but usually after the first question it gets mentioned that a hidden profile is not searchable....ho hum, you'd think regulars would know this.
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