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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?      Home login  
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 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 51
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I dont believe I was talking to or about you^^ I responded to the post above mine. I believe it is you who needs to grow up. Wow what assumptions you make about me.. Since I dont have a problem finding men to go out with.. and I do not need to sleep with every man who buys me dinner.. this offends you? Sorry, some women have respect for both themselves and HONEST men.. for those who lie and seek one thing.. good luck with that.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 52
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/12/2013 1:37:31 PM
Lowmiles...sorry dude-but if you wanted specific answers you should have given specific information.
I can't imagine how any relationship other than a very loosely structured FwB could go on for 5 years without some discussion or conversation about whether or not there would be more "formalization"(iow, co-habitation or marriage). I'm not saying that "formalization" HAS to happen, but in 5 years it seems like a decision should have been reached.
Your OP and the next post afterward made it sound more like a dating involvement that was a fairly recent development. However, were this a strictly hypothetical question, why did you need to add that 2nd post-and why did you need to mention specifically that you were "dating" a younger woman?
Yes,yes, lets split hairs here...your OP was presented more as a "hypothetical" situation and I think you INTENDED for us to take it as such, or to presume that this was more of a recently developed dating situation.
And most folks seem to have answered you on that basis.

If it was in fact just a hypothetical question/academic discussion, then why did you feel the need to come back and ANNOUNCE your decision to leave a 5 year relationship? Why did you intentionally, by means of underinformation, present this as a "dating" situation,instead of the LTR or LT-FwB that it really WAS??

The fact that you reacted nastily to a couple of subsequent posts condemning men who play the 'string-along" game to maintain a reliable source of sex, tells me that those posts hit a nerve.


and yes she told me she wanted to marry me on several occasions. Was that the alcohol talking remains a mystery. I chose to avoid those inquires.

yeah yeah, "alcohol talking" and "mystery"?
MY ASS.
You could have avoided a lot of things by bringing the topic back up when alcohol WASN'T involved-but oh, wait, one of the things that would have been avoided was satisfaction for Mr Happy. Couldn't let that happen.

Because of our age difference,

Didn't bother you for 5 years.

my pending retirement

What does that have to do with anything.

her teenage daughter

You've been phucking the woman for 5 years and now all of a sudden her teenage daughter is a problem?

I made the decision to leave the relationship of five years.

Really? Was that because the lady finally twigged on to what was REALLY the deal, and closed her legs???

Now, to give you a slight benefit of the doubt, if your OT was TRULY a request for opinions/advice on how to handle your next "dating" situation, most of the answers were reasonable. No, you don't have to show up for the first date wearing a Tshirt announcing your aversion to marriage. You don't have to give a big speech on the 2nd date...
but to phuck a woman for 5 years knowing that her goal was to marry you, and your goal was the direct opposite?
Dirty pool,man.

Before anybody gets their shorts in a knot...I myself am not particularly interested in marriage or even cohabitation, But by golly, if I had started dating a man regularly and he was making noises about marriage or living together, I'd damn sure let him know I was looking for a non-cohabiting LTR and let him make up his own mind. I wouldn't avoid the question and string him along so as to continue to reap benefit from the relationship.
And yes, technically speaking, when 2 consenting adults share sexual intimacy, nobody is "getting used". But if this deal had been going on for 5 years and the woman was talking about marriage,and the OP manufactured excuses to avoid having a discussion about it-for FIVE FREAKIN'YEARS!-then IMO there was an exploitation going on.

From some of the comments here and even what I've heard IRL, the OPs' manuevering is NOT all that uncommon.
What's crazy is that when a WOMAN says that she wants a non-cohabiting LTR, about half of the men run away because they cannot figure out how to handle a relationship unless they have "marriage" to dangle like a carrot on a stick,and the other half thinks that non-cohabiting LTR means phuckbuddy on HIS terms.
To answer the OT question...no, I don't think you need to give some big speech in the first few dates, but if things start heading down towards the entrance ramp to LTR road,then I think it's time to talk about what can't or isn't likely to happen. Yes, a lot of mature women(40+ ) aren't interested in marriage or cohabitation.However, there are enough of them that ARE, so that if one is firmly opposed to marriage (or co-habiting) then that topic needs to be brought up and discussed- a lot sooner than 5 years.
Cindy O
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 53
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Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/12/2013 1:51:34 PM
"Based on your posts here ... you are the odd woman out."

In my experience, it is about 60% of the women who have been married who no longer have a need to marry again, and about 40% of the women who would like to marry again.

"all other women follow"

Women don't need to follow other women. They are quite capable of making up their minds as to whether or not they want to have another live in in their lives.

Saying that the majority of women expect to marry again, doesn't make it so.

"Should I tell my date " I'm not looking to get married any time soon or ever for that matter" or just leave it alone? Should a guy get this out there as quickly as possible ?"

OP, why don't you just ask the women you are out with, does she see herself ever remarrying? You might just be surprised that she wants the same thing you do in lifestyle.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 2/17/2013
Msg: 54
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/13/2013 5:06:04 PM

OK Giggles, I just have to ask: what is "being used for sex"

Last time I checked, admittedly a long time ago, there were two people involved and either of them could say no. If saying no stops it, then both must be in agreement. If there is agreement, how does this equate to being used?

If the girl is 18 and the guy is 30, then he could be using the girl. But, within your age group there should be enough experience to prevent that kind of unfair advantage. If a woman of your age is being used, you're letting it happen. If it happens twice, you're liking it. In either case, you have no basis for complaint unless your expounding on the bad decisions you feel you are making.

But you didn't say you were allowing yourself to be used did you? It's all somebody else's fault.


Sorry Freudian, I missed your post earlier cause my homework was thru the roof but to answer your question--consider this relationship the OP has had with a younger woman (his words along with "I have been dating this gal that is 14 years younger. We seem to avoid the discussion but at the same time I don't want to lead her on either. The sex is great!" He calls it dating but it has been going on for 5 years--I doubt very seriously their family don't consider them as boy/girlfriend even if he doesnt.

She met a guy she liked--enough to invest 5 years of her life -- good years 42 to 47-- in her head there is probably this dream of not growing old alone and the OP now admits that SEVERAL times she had asked about getting married and yet he never told her that he wasn't interested in "till death do us part" but only "The sex is great". His whole purpose in staying in the relationship to the point he has been is for the great sex otherwise any DECENT man would have the first time she mentioned getting married have told her he wasn't interested vs continuing to USE HER FOR SEX.

Is she to blame for part of this..maybe...but his part is pretty clear based on his own admissions that he has been involved with her for over 5 years and that she has several times stated her desire to get married... IE the woman was in love with the man and the man was just using her for sex...she wanted marriage to symbolize that love he was in it for the ****.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 55
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/13/2013 5:22:26 PM

I made the decision to leave the relationship of five years.


Yeah….YOU decided, right after she headed out the door.

OP, here’s your new profile headline:
Gosh forbid some creep might want to actual phuck you.


 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 56
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/15/2013 1:30:23 PM

His whole purpose in staying in the relationship to the point he has been is for the great sex otherwise any DECENT man would have the first time she mentioned getting married have told her he wasn't interested vs continuing to USE HER FOR SEX.


Maybe a better way to put it would be that the OP was using the relationship for sex.
Let us give the OP some benefit of doubt and presume that the lady derived pleasure from their sexual intimacy.

However, if his ideal model of a relationship was non-cohabiting/no intent of progressing to either cohabiting or marriage, the honorable thing to do would have been to say as much within a reasonable time frame, and allow the lady to either accept those terms or move on. If the OP had been forthcoming and succint about his complete disinterest in a progression to something more "official",and the lady stuck around anyway, hoping to change his mind, then this would have been on her. But we have the OPs' own words confirming that he was evasive on the topic of marriage.

Furthermore, based in part on the way the OP presented the situation in the forum-allowing other participants to prsume that this was a dating situation of fairly recent origin, rather than the LTR( or LTFwB)it actually WAS-I get the feeling that prevarication,evasiveness and limired/filtered information are common practices in his life-management methodology.

Yes, I absolutely understand that there are situations in life, business,work and social interaction where "information management" may be necessary, but IMO to use such tactics to exploit a relationship for sexual gratification, is pretty damn underhanded.

Let me clarify that my words are not meant to attack the OP, but to express my distaste for his relationship-management method. I'm afraid that this is not all that uncommon, but for someone to use it for 5 years, IMO, indicates that either the OP put a lot of effort into his evasive conduct, or that the lady in question wasn't very bright.
Even so, to dangle marriage like a carrot on a stick for 5 years,with no intention of ever "paying off"...sorry, gotta call it as I see it-
DISHONORABLE.
Cindy O
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 57
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Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/15/2013 7:43:48 PM
but somehow men justify continuing the relationship even knowing she wants the whole deal and he does not


What she/he wants, or is willing accept, can and often does change with time
Its not necessarily a reason to end it , just because their may be conflicts in the future ..
 Vesta_ceres
Joined: 4/5/2013
Msg: 58
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/16/2013 12:13:57 PM

I have been dating this gal that is 14 years younger.


Currently, there's a man 28 years my senior who's interested in dating me. He's also expressed that he is open to the idea of remarriage (in general). I'm not searching for anybody, at this time, though my intent is to remarry, in the future (in general). As it is, there's too much of an age gap and dating/marrying him would be impractical, even if I were interested. I've already made this clear to him (in general and personally).


We seem to avoid the discussion but at the same time I don't want to lead her on either.


Has your date indicated that she is looking for marriage/remarriage? If you're at a stage in your relationship that is serious enough, I'd broach the subject...carefully, and be prepared that she may find somebody else who is marriageable, eventually. It may be wise to discuss it now before it becomes more serious.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 2/17/2013
Msg: 59
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/16/2013 12:47:40 PM

Has your date indicated that she is looking for marriage/remarriage? If you're at a stage in your relationship that is serious enough, I'd broach the subject...carefully, and be prepared that she may find somebody else who is marriageable, eventually. It may be wise to discuss it now before it becomes more serious.


The op has stated that they have been dating for 5 years and he didnt want to break up with her due to the "great sex" but that she had several times mentioned marriage.

I guess I am wondering what age has to do with this either way--there will always be older/ younger--after people --it is more the person than the age imho.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 60
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/16/2013 1:12:33 PM
Messages # 66 &67
Please RE-read message # 54.
Message #58 seems to indicate that posts 56&57 struck a nerve, even though the OP chooses to only respond (snarkily)to message #57.

It's one thing to not rush into a discussion of future relationship intentions/plans when 2 people first start dating, but for one of the 2 people to string the other one along for years in order to obtain some benefit that would most likely be withdrawn if it were made clear"this is never going to be more than a nc/LTR or LT-FwB",IMO is dishonorable.
Before anybody starts turning loose the yahbutts-I've seen WOMEN do this too-the more common scenario being stringing a guy along for purposes of getting practical/financial help, by letting him think there was a future that would include at least co-habitation.
Same methodology-evasiveness/prevarication if the man makes specific reference or asks specific questions.
So let me make it clear, this is not an attack on the OP or anybody else, it is simply an exercise in disfavorable comment about what seems like a fairly common ploy-letting one's dating/relationship partner think there is going to be a future progression to cohabitation or marriage,when one really has no such intention, and only allows the presumption to continue in order to reap benefit from the involvement or relationship.

We seem to avoid the discussion but at the same time I don't want to lead her on either.

Then why did you!?
Cindy O
 Freudian
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 61
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Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/16/2013 4:57:44 PM
So, the ladies posting here think the OP is a jerk. I read many of the reasons carefully and darned if they aren't right. (that's a southern saying that is sometimes hard to parse; it means they're right).

I started off thinking that the dude was correct and that the gal was just trying to push him into marriage. Then I thought the woman should be mature enough to figure it out. Then I thought he was a bit wishy washy with her. Then I realized the OP is being a jerk. He may actually BE a jerk, can't tell from this thread though.

So, he's got this gal that's 14 years younger than him stringing her along by avoiding the question of long term commitment and feels bad because he had to fess up and admit he's been using her. YES, I know I asked way back there how a woman could be used for sex; now I know.

I can't believe she put up with it as long as she did, there must have been something going on in her life to allow it, but I'm glad she finally woke up. At least she's out there again and a little wiser for the experience.

I try to learn something new every day, filled my quota on this one.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 62
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/16/2013 6:54:18 PM
As usual, Cindy O NAILED it in all her posts.

I agree with Freudian's post above me. I went through the same process while reading the OP's posts, and came to the same conclusion.

As for those men who state categorically that "all women" want to marry or re-marry - especially as they get older - I would love to know how you came by those statements when you aren't "in the room" on a regular basis with groups of women friends hanging out, or in the ladies' room or lunchroom with an all-woman work group. If you're basing those statements on the women whom you date, your sample is far too small for such assumptions.

Me? I'm not in a rush to remarry either. I had one bad marriage (from which we salvaged a friendship) and one excellent marriage, so I figure that if I can find someone compatible enough to grow old with me, I would probably marry him only if we both felt that we really, really wanted to cohabit. Otherwise, a long term monogamous and committed relationship in separate domiciles is fine with me. Most of MY single female friends feel the same way. I wouldn't presume to make the categorical statements that some of the guys are making, one way or the other, about what "all women" (or even "most women") want to do.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 2/17/2013
Msg: 63
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/16/2013 7:46:31 PM

As for those men who state categorically that "all women" want to marry or re-marry - especially as they get older


When we are younger, women my age were taught we grow up to be MRS. someone, if you watch most disney stories--Prince Charming comes in and saves the day and they live happily ever after, never does the girl rescue herself..so believe it or not--some women are not complete--unless they are married..it is what they know and what they want...

The biggest difference is ...they don't really care to who--as long as he looks good on paper, they will commit, they don't even figure out if they like him, it is to them ALL about getting married, it validates them. Guys here in town complain about it all the time.

I want to get remarried, I don't have to get remarried...but I want to find someone who wants a REAL (my terminology) relationship...not one where it is open, or they have their place and I have mine, or we hook up a few times a week or two people who mildly love and hate each other at the same time but live in the same home...REAL--all of it..but NOT with just anyone...and that is the main issue...some people will marry anyone just to marry someone.

I had a guy cancel out on a date with me cause he met a girl the night before and she went home with him...they got married two months later, now 4 months later they have split up. I don't want a ready made romance >< I want REAL.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 64
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/16/2013 8:18:52 PM
Giggles, I am 54 and that is not what I was taught at all. You are making a categorical statement just like some of the men have done.

I agree that there are SOME women in our age range who think they have to be married, anyone will do. However, I know many, many more women who do not and never have bought into the Prince Charming fantasy, and many others who realized after their first couple of failed relationships that the Prince IS a fantasy, and made their way without expecting him.

Maybe it's different where you live... it's not that way with people I've known wherever I have lived.
 Freudian
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 65
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Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/17/2013 10:32:54 AM
Vixen, I've seen what Giggles is talking about. In the Southern US (deep south), the girls were told, "When you grow up and get married ..." That applies to things like boys, short dresses, staying out later than 9PM, skimpy bathing suits, etc.; the implication is that they will stay at home until they get married, then move in with the husband and start making grandchildren.

Now granted, this was back when I was seven or so (about 1146 years ago) and attitudes were very different as well as totally unrealistic. Back then, in the poor South, it was considered a big deal to actually stay in school and graduate, never mind having enough money to pursue college. And, a set of parents (there were usually two of them back in those days) that managed to get a girl all the way through high school without her getting pregnant, had accomplished the Dream.

A lot of cheerleaders and football heroes were married just after graduation ... funny how that worked out.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 2/17/2013
Msg: 66
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/17/2013 3:22:05 PM
Vixen, Freudian is right, I live in the South, and this is the third southern town I have seen this attitude from women about men, don't matter what he is as long as you have one. They trap themselves into staying with bad guys who cheat on them, some of them work and support the family and the guy lives off of them if they say anything he will just move in with another women who will support him and when she says something he goes back to the first one...and these are very beautiful women.

In my opinion the sad thing is these are by their own merits awesome women, they are good mothers, good friends, hard working, loyal, dependable, they just have to be involved with a man to have an identity. That is why so many players offer relationships as a way to get in, I have had on the second email guys wanting me to commit to them, not cause they want me to really commit but cause they think that is what I want to hear.

And growing up I heard exactly what Freudian said not just from my parents but my uncles and aunts ...some refer to it as "marrying well". When I was 24 I moved from the small town in Virginia to Miami and the last thing my boss, this is a guy with a PhD said to me, "Remember it is as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is a poor one, marry well".
 galnxtdoor64
Joined: 10/22/2009
Msg: 67
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Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/17/2013 3:32:50 PM
as a lady- i would prefer a guy tell me he just was not very sure what he wanted - just so that i could decide if i could accept for my part if it would work for me and what I wanted in my heart
that way I would not feel lied or mislead by him.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 68
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Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/17/2013 4:26:44 PM
OMG .. ^^^ people in the south , are uneducated hicks , just looking to marry and have babies to get a
bigger welfare cheque. What garbage from the mouth ..of the "elitists"



I live in the South, and this is the third southern town I have seen this attitude from women about men, don't matter what he is as long as you have one.


Really ,..? I've been single for 12 years , I have found this attitude does not exist in any larger quanities in Mid-south,.. than in major metro area's.
I have lived in several mid-south states , and familiar with , all southern states in the central time zone .
The women in these places ,do not feel trapped, and I do not see women , just trying to get a man , any man, in fact its damm hard to find a woman , who wants to marry period ... And I'm living in Louisanna..!!!





In my opinion the sad thing is these are by their own merits awesome women, they are good mothers, good friends, hard working, loyal, dependable


I haven't found their merits or attitudes , to be much different than women who live in the suburbs.
Their not stepford wives or aliens ... I 've checked !
And yes, their awesome women and No, The men are not walking all over them ......good grief !

I have dated women from the largest cities in 20 states ... what I have found , is that while individuals
are different , they all share the same basic ideal , of how they want to be treated and demand just that
 Giggles10000
Joined: 2/17/2013
Msg: 69
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/17/2013 5:03:55 PM
OMG .. ^^^ people in the south , are uneducated hicks , just looking to marry and have babies to get a
bigger welfare cheque. What garbage from the mouth ..of the "elitists"


How did you get a hardworking good mother loyal and dependable woman was on welfare????

Seriously you really need to stop inventing things to go off about---not one of the women I was referring to is on welfare. You are sounding like the elitists by putting the whole welfare thing in there...again my point was these women are good people, hard workers, good mothers the only thing is they have been conditioned since they were little girls that their whole identity is tied up into being married...having a man in their life and they treat him like he is golden no matter what he does cause they prefer to have a man and suffer than not have a man.

Since I have never been in the mid-south I would never dream of making a statement to qualify what is or isnt going on there ...but I do know the south where I have lived and I do know what the women where I have lived have to say. However I can believe you have difficulty in finding a woman.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 70
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Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/17/2013 5:23:16 PM

some of them work and support the family and the guy lives off of them if they say anything he will just move in with another women who will support him and when she says something he goes back to the first one...and these are very beautiful women.


I have never observed this happen ... with a very beautiful woman ..! never
I see it all the time with , overweight , unattractive women...



I can believe you have difficulty in finding a woman.

no, .. you don't believe that .. you just wish it were true
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 71
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/17/2013 5:54:44 PM

The women in these places ,do not feel……


Gawd! it irks me when men try to tell women how they feel.

Or challenge a woman’s observations of other women. How obnoxious.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 72
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/17/2013 6:13:17 PM
wow, how did being born and raised in the south turn into such a bad thing? Just because some we raised to believe in marriage, treat their man with respect and kindness.. this is wrong or they are on welfare? I am lost here. Speaking as a woman who was raised in NC, I personally know no one on welfare. The divorced mothers I know all have jobs, support their children and treat the men in their lives with the utmost respect ( when they are being respected as well) I am a southern raised female, not on welfare and nothing about that stereotype fits me or anyone else I know.
As for Op.. he used a woman, could care less that she was in love and wanted marriage, he lied to get sex.. I was said he used her. JMHO
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 73
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Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/17/2013 6:36:03 PM

The women in these places ,do not feel……
Gawd! it irks me when men try to tell women how they feel.

Thanks, for making my day .!




wow, how did being born and raised in the south turn into such a bad thing?

Its not , so many T.V. shows (louisanna), depicting gators , swamp logging, pawn shops etc, and I have watched some of all of them,
Neither me, nor anyone else I know ... know's anyone ,like the people their depicting in the shows
But yet its the image , that hollywood whats to give to the gallable. I 'm continually surprised at the number of people who's only opinion of the south comes from something they 've seen on T.V.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 74
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Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/17/2013 6:36:57 PM
Whatever you want, but here's the thing. Like one guy said "never say never". You might meet a woman and she agrees with y0u about never, but then you decide you really would like to marry her..and then....well...
Second problem is that from what I've read, alot of women don't seem to believe men when they say that. They may agree with the man or think they agree with the man-but deep down they don't agree and don't believe him. so...
 Freudian
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 75
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Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/17/2013 8:44:44 PM
I've got relatives that live all over Louisiana and there are Truly all types. One of them is a true Cajun; he has the patois of a Creole and I visit him in the spring during craw-fish season. Another one is pure white trash up in the northern end. A couple live in a dying community on the east side. These people are as different from one another as one can get in this country. White trash has been through two husbands (both dead). Cajun married young and stayed that way for almost 40 years now. The folks on the eastern side are gay and are the best cooks of the bunch (fried chicken).

There's nothing homogeneous about the South. No one description will fit it all or all of them. So, we can sit here and generalize all we want to and all be wrong. They're people, their unique, just like the rest of us. My example of what was preached to the girls is totally true and ancient. I'm sure the philosophy is still held in some areas like West Texas north of Dallas, Georgia between Atlanta and Columbus in the farming country, both sides of the Naches Trace, and the Amish communities in Kentucky near the cave, but I'm not privy to what parents tell their children there any more.

I do know that many of the ancient traditions still hold true for a lot of people. They still dress up for the opening of Keeneland and the Kentucky Derby; they have the entire block over for a crab boil in season; they burn the kudsu off the telephone poles with torches (use propane these days though). So maybe some moms and daughters think differently than the big city folk.

Regarding welfare --- cheap shot. Find something else to whine about.
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