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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Can you really stay friends with an ex?      Home login  
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 pamioakley
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 70
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Can you really stay friends with an ex?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I don't think there is an easy answer to that. I remained friends with several men I've dated and I value their opinions to this day. Perhaps it was the dating experience with them that pointed us in the direction of friendship. I'll never be friends with my last b/f, however. I lost respect for him during our relationship and respect is necessary in friendship IMHO. Sometimes, when it is over it is over is absolutely true. Other times, when it is over a better thing can happen.
 jweaze
Joined: 10/1/2013
Msg: 71
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 12:38:20 AM
Depending on the circumstance I would say yes. Heck I have.
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 72
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 1:06:31 AM
I do like the idea of being as warm towards them as the beginning because you didn't do something egregious to each other, but that usually isn't the case.
Imagine though if one was kind and honorable and sweet through the end..then yes, it would be nice, but I don't have civilized, otherworldly entanglements. Disappointing. One can dream.
 robertr499
Joined: 7/29/2013
Msg: 73
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Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 3:52:02 AM
I'll tell you a story about when I broke up with my first love.

It was really amicable, we decided to remain friends (we had mutual friends through uni and were gunna run in to each other at mutual events) and wished each other well. I spoke to my stepdad about how happy I was about how clean the break up was and that we were staying friends. I was met with the response "nope, can't be friends with an ex. trust me". I gave a reason why this was different and "nope, can't be friends with an ex. trust me" was the reply. I gave other reasons and got the same response. I was young and naive and disliked his response.
Things were great and we saw each other a month later at a friends birthday and everything seemed fine. Then the inevitable happened and things started to fall apart.
In summary, trust my old man's advice of it being absolutely impossible to be friends with an ex and both of you remain emotionally fine. Trust me ;)
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 74
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Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 5:47:39 AM
This is up to you. But if you've broken up it's not her place to question what you do and with whom. This seems to me that she doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to want you either.
You CAN be friends with an ex (I am with an ex after a 30 year relationship) but it didn't/doesn't happen overnight. It took years so the feelings that led to the break up can dissipate and you have reclaimed your life. Maybe you can let her know that right now you should completely break up (NO FB/texting/calls) and maybe later...maybe.
 mtarrant50
Joined: 7/26/2013
Msg: 75
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 6:47:29 AM
I agree no one should be considered a backup plan
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 76
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Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 9:07:21 AM
My partner is my priority in life. Obviously he is male. I wouldn't want to do anything to make him feel insecure. It might be nice now and the to chat with an ex but not at the expense of making my partner uncomfortable. My partner's feelings are paramount in my life....not the need to chit chat.

People who talk about the ex, talk to an ex, etc. are just sowing seeds to undermine their current relationship. The most important element in getting a man to be there foryou is to make him feel secure and to know that he can trust you implicitly. It's been like that since caveman times.

People who claim not to mind or be concerned about contact between their partner and an ex are much, much more stable and secure than I am or the people I know. We live in the real world of people with real feelings.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 77
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 9:16:13 AM

Msg 88: You CAN be friends with an ex (I am with an ex after a 30 year relationship) but it didn't/doesn't happen overnight. It took years so the feelings that led to the break up can dissipate and you have reclaimed your life.


What was your motivation to have a friendship with him if you felt he destroyed your life and it took you years to reclaim your life? I can't imagine wanting to keep someone in my life who tried to wreck my life.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 78
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Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 10:44:23 AM
@maleman999
Read this post again. I never said he destroyed/wrecked my life; it does take time to recover from any split. We grew apart and had other issues that are no one's business. It feels good to be past the divorce adjustment period (reclaiming one's life) and can speak civilly to each other. You're reading something here that I never wrote or intended. Besides...my answer was intended for the OP...not you.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 79
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Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 11:27:59 AM
OP...cut her loose.
She wants to "be friends" so she can keep tabs on you and be in the wings for an opportune moment.
If you think you might get together again someday, then you are choosing to play a messy, drawn out soap opera.

Just do it...otherwise you are allowing her to think there might still be a chance.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 80
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 1:18:33 PM

You CAN be friends with an ex (I am with an ex after a 30 year relationship) but it didn't/doesn't happen overnight. It took years so the feelings that led to the break up can dissipate and you have reclaimed your life.

Oh, I agree -- it's not going to happen overnight. And technically one can be friends with ANYONE, even when they also have disdain toward one another, but I'll throw that type of friendship out the window.

All in all, it's the Exception, not the rule, being friends with an ex. And that friendship would start way after a breakup... and it's a hypothetical situation, not an expectation -- because it's an exception.

Of course "friendship" is sooo vague. People can be on good terms -- to say hi... if in an emergency would help out if one of the only options, etc. That's more being an acquaintance... or being a friend-of-a-friend. That happens more often, but still, one shouldn't Expect that after every relationship (but it's more viable than an Actual Friendship).
 elmuchoburrito
Joined: 8/27/2013
Msg: 81
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/15/2013 8:23:57 PM
me - no
I don't need the extra prattle - we done - no need to see the reruns; and yes, that means social media too
I don't care
total EMCON (Emissions Control - radio silence)
 rosewood_girl
Joined: 10/4/2013
Msg: 82
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/15/2013 8:28:01 PM
Sounds like to me she wants to be back in your life, but won't admit that she wants to get back together. Just from her jealous behaviour of liking all your facebook posts, tagging you in pictures and asking you about your dating life should be clear signs. She is marking her territory and letting other women know that she is into you. Thats how I see it. You need to let it be clear that you two are just friends, and don't sleep with her either. That will just give her more hope.
 Luv_Life_Now
Joined: 8/6/2013
Msg: 83
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/17/2013 6:47:47 AM
She really is a good person. We didn't end things on super bad terms or anything. She was crushed when I broke up with her at first but she seems like she has been okay lately. Except for the things that I mentioned. I don't really have a problem with losing contact for a while but it seems like she does and I don't want to hurt her any more than I already have. If that makes sense.


LoneScottishBoy is right. She is still waiting in the wings. Maybe you like this part but it's not good for her.

If you broke up with her and no longer want to be with her romantically and ever cared for her at all, cut all contact. It's the only way. She is still hoping to get your attention and get back together - she doesn't want to be just friends. And you are hurting her more by staying in contact. Let her go to find someone who will appreciate and love her.

I saw something the other day that says: Psychology claims that if two lovers can remain just friends, it's either they are still in love or never were.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 84
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Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/17/2013 6:57:26 AM

Can you really stay friends with an ex?


If you were not hurt during the relationship or were the one that walked away, then sure. But with all the friendship possibilities out there, why complicate future relationships.
 genie270
Joined: 9/9/2013
Msg: 85
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/17/2013 11:38:02 AM
No not unless a sufficient amount of time has passed and you have completely healed. In my case, that was three years. I can be friends with him today, yes. But not back then. If feelings towards each other still exist, it is better to cut off all ties.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 86
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/17/2013 12:14:25 PM
^^^"No not unless a sufficient amount of time has passed and you have completely healed. In my case, that was three years. I can be friends with him today, yes. "

So what's the point of being friends now (or possibly being in the future)-especially if it took you three years to get over it and heal from the hurt? I tend to cut people out of my life who hurt me. That's something I don't give people a second chance to do. People don't really change over time, no matter how much they say they have.
 genie270
Joined: 9/9/2013
Msg: 87
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/17/2013 6:42:48 PM
^^^ @ maleman: I said I can implying I would be able to if need be. I did not say I will be or am planning to.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 88
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/18/2013 10:27:38 AM
genie,

No not unless a sufficient amount of time has passed and you have completely healed.

I agree. Many times one's "healed" -- as in they lost interest in their BF/GF at the tail end of the relationship anyway, and want to be friends with the one they dumped out of empathy and still care about them as a person (in a family-member sorta way)... while the other person is still hurt and there's confusion "Why won't he/she be friends after the breakup?!" They probably were never in position of feeling strongly about someone who broke up with them, and/or just self-centered & air-headed lol

So what's the point of being friends now (or possibly being in the future)-especially if it took you three years to get over it and heal from the hurt?

Good question. But I think the question should be: What's the point of *going out of one's way* to be friends with an ex in which it took 3 years to heal? And to that I say -- there is no point.

However, you may have mutual friends. And just like making friends, it happens incidentally. If someone goes out of their way after being hurt, IMO, that's a direct indicator that they're not over them, feelings came back, etc.

If you have mutual friends and life circumstances change, etc -- and you're put in position where you're going to be around them and all, I would say you could ALLOW a new friendship, starting from scratch, to develop, if you're both fully healed AND have both fully moved on.

But to have a close or 1-on-1 friendship is playing with fire, IMO. That's asking for feelings to come back or an indicator that they have with one of the people involved.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 89
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Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/18/2013 10:34:02 AM
Yes, but it's hard. If you don't have kids together, why would want to? Are you hoping to get into her pants again someday?
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 90
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Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/18/2013 10:38:29 AM
When one has been in a 30 year relationship which included marriage, it can pay big dividends to get along with your ex if you can. There are children, relatives, financial issues, property and many other things that tie the two of you together forever. Personally, I am respectful and friendly with my ex. I owe him much which I can now see in hindsight. Because of him I'm much more secure than I would have been on my own. These things he did because he also recognized the fact that we had grown apart and we couldn't stay together. It's wonderful not to be angry and bitter (like some in here) and if he ever needed anything from me that I could deliver, he would get it. Because of him I'm a better person and I am grateful everyday for our past life together. I even kept his last name. But all this came AFTER the divorce with much contemplation and time. Time does heal...if you let it.
 KratosSpawn
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 91
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/18/2013 4:51:43 PM
Depends. What are your raw emotions towards her at the moment? Could you handle speaking to her strictly as a "friend" and not engaging in dating/relationship like activities?

If you both can do that and remain as friends. Then go for it.

But first allow yourself time to heal and get mentally settle into not being her bf. Go through the emotional pain of that and deal with it properly.

Then when you are mentally fresh, go back into the dating field and keep her in the friend zone.
 Theme_Pack
Joined: 5/3/2013
Msg: 92
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/18/2013 5:07:45 PM
Yes some people can....my case we just fell out of love....we have the same circle of close friends. She's a beautiful mother and her husband also a good friend has been a great step father. Its been 17 yrs and nothing has changed. I was blessed to have met her and to be the mother of my son.....couldn't have asked to have better people in my life.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 93
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/19/2013 8:50:13 AM

My ex turned out to be a cheating, lying, sadistic, narcissistic sociopathic scumbag, (which is why he is an ex) - so no not in a million years would i want to be 'friends' with him, or even breathe the same air in his presence!


And yet, you found him perfect enough to marry him in the first place. It's very strange how that works.
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 94
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/30/2013 5:30:13 PM

People who talk about the ex, talk to an ex, etc. are just sowing seeds to undermine their current relationship. The most important element in getting a man to be there for you is to make him feel secure and to know that he can trust you implicitly.


And like wise, as in a healthy relationship you live in the present......or not....

As when I read many post here, in those who still rag about their ex's, after 5,10,15.20 years is sad.....

And would Not want that dragged into a new [old baggage]relationship's for all the tea in China!

Unless you are desperate,lonely,etc to be in a that kind of relationship or other ^^^^^
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