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 OzzGirl22
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 26
Exclusitivity before sex?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
That is a tough one.
I think the sex could imply that you are looking for exclusivity........but what happens if you have made it all exclusive and then they totally suck in bed?
That has happened to me and since the sex was terrible I had to break up with him. I mean I tried to give him some pointers that fell on def ears and besides, he was old enough to know better. I figure that if you do not know the drill by your 40's you are not going to get it.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 27
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Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/11/2013 4:55:00 PM
hearton64 wrote:


With exception to oral sex? The operative word in that sentence is SEX.


Doesn't that depend upon the definition of the word "is"?............
 CyclistWill77
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 28
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Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/11/2013 7:23:33 PM

Well heck, if you like the girl on the 1st date you'd LIKE her to stick around, right? :) And if you'd LIKE to sleep with her, you'd like her to stick around.

The problem is, if sex is a huge deal to you, it can cause some problems with the other when it's not a relationship-maker to the other. I think most people don't want to be sleepING with more than one person at a time and don't want the other person to either. But asking for that is different from actual Exclusivity (being an item), and also different from Commitment (being serious). Just let a gal know that on an early date when the general topic of convo comes up -- that you don't like to sleep with a woman until it's known that you both aren't going to be dating or pursuing anyone else (Exclusivity). And don't worry about it so much as a guy -- usually you're in position to make those moves anyway. Just allow at least some physical progression to flow as you two are seeing each other more, is what I'd advise.

In my case I don't even get to the "first date" usually (I've only made it past the meet and greet twice) so getting to "an early date" is an issue in and of its self. Honestly, after 20 some odd years of having no one interested, I've more or less given up. The one and only time I had the opportunity to sleep with someone, in the moment was great, afterwords when she wanted nothing to do with me it really sucked. (She was drunk and pursued me, lesson learned.) It was like withdrawals from a really powerful drug. (All you want is another hit of the drug, and you can't get it.) Heck we didn't even have sex, but the foreplay was fun (the owner of the house walked in on us and kicked us out of the room. It was a party at a friends place) I kinda felt like an ass for letting things go as far as they did since she was drunk and I wasn't. (I guess its hard to say who was taking advantage of who with that one.) After that, I came to the conclusion that for me, random hookups are likely a bad thing. I know, I'm a rare case and very much a statistical anomaly. (If you burn your hands on a hot fireplace once, you generally learn not to put ones hands on the hot fireplace a second time if its obviously hot.)

In the event that someone does come around and actually wish to pursue me, I might change my mind, but odds are, I will take things very slowly and get to know the person first. I'll be upfront about it and if that is a deal breaker, so be it. I'd rather do without than be left wanting more when there is none to be had for a very long time, if ever. (Sorry, poorly worded, but you get the point.) If I were a "normal" person who was lucky enough to have relationships with other people, my view would likely be much different. What can I say, being eternally single and more or less undateable makes for a very simple life, I wouldn't mind having things more complicated.
 Consensuality
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 29
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/11/2013 7:56:43 PM
I know this isn't a popular opinion around here but I wouldn't stay with a woman who was bad in bed. You can be the coolest person in the world but if the sex is bad I'm not going to hang around and the only way to know is to try it out. I would be reluctant to commit to an exclusive relationship without knowing what kind of lover I was getting. You're asking for a lot of time and emotional investment for what could be a huge disappointment. Some guys wouldn't want that. I know I wouldn't.

Course I'm poly so I'm not likely to commit to monogamy anyways but even so the point stands.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 30
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/11/2013 9:31:03 PM
I might change my mind, but odds are, I will take things very slowly and get to know the person first. I'll be upfront about it and if that is a deal breaker, so be it.


So, when was the last time you got laid? With your attitude, multiply that by 5. You live by pain avoidance. So nothing will change.

I did 60 miles Saturday, and then 80 sunday. My legs hurt. I was in pain. I accept pain. I went to see my girl. We had dinner. I was dead. I told her I had to go. She was disappointed, but did not get upset. The next day I text her. She was wondering why we didn't do anything the night before. Recovery from severe pain. I came over. We had an awesome dinner. 140 miles kicks your endorphins out of this planet. So does your libido. She was very, very happy. So do I.

The point is. Don't take things slowly. They will never happen. Grab it by the moment, including the rejection, or whatever happens. Don't wait until both have some agreement that you are the one, yet had never had sex. That is bu ll sh it. Get to know each other, and part of that is sex. I could never be exclusive with a woman that I have not been intimate with. Once we are intimate, it's her and me. Not the other way around.
 CyclistWill77
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 31
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Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 12:44:32 AM

So, when was the last time you got laid? With your attitude, multiply that by 5. You live by pain avoidance. So nothing will change

Honestly, never. I've had only one chance in my life and someone walked in on us totally embarrassing both of us (well, she was drunk so I don't know how embarrassed she was. I was however.) As it was I felt bad since she was drunk, and came with another guy (who I knew pretty well) I don't know if I would have kept going if someone hadn't walked in on us. If I had, I know I would have felt guilty about it afterwords. So, taking that number and multiplying by 5 still gives me not a damn thing.
Pain avoidance? Hardly, anyone who has ever seen me race a bicycle will tell you I'm a glutton for punishment, and I keep coming back for more. Now that I think about it, I've been racing bikes for as long as I've been continuously turned down by women. I started racing in 7th grade, and asked the first girl out on a date (and was immediately told no and to get lost.) At least I have a medal from Collegiate Mountain bike National Championships hanging on my wall. No, I didn't win, but I was on the podium. With relationships however, total and complete failure. I actually made the stupid mistake of giving up riding and racing in hopes it might increase my chances of meeting someone. It didn't (Hind sight is 20/20, had I continued, I'd have turned pro years ago. How do I know, all the guys I used to easily beat are now pros.) and now I'm kicking myself. When I worked at a bike shop, female team members would ask me to fix their bikes all the time, but not a one of them would go as far as even getting a cup of coffee with me.

I know all about the benefits of a hard effort. Its going out and riding myself into the ground that keeps me sane and not depressed. It does in deed do wonders for getting high on endorphins, and yes its great for giving you a high libido, unless you have no outlet for it. Then you end up just frustrated.

The fact that I have tried to changes things in my life in hopes that it will be the right thing to do in order to become more appealing to the female part of the population says I'm willing to try. The results however, haven't changed a bit. I'm not a shy person, but I do respect peoples boundaries. I don't cross them unless given a very clear green light to do so. So far, I've seen nothing but red lights (aside from the random drunk chick 5 or 6 years ago.) Like the old adage says, It takes two to tango, but I just seem to be dancing with myself and its awfully awkward. Its pretty hard to sleep with someone who doesn't exist. If and when I have the opportunity to take things slowly or quickly with someone, I'll worry about it then. For now its pure speculation based on very little experience.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 32
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 6:04:43 AM

I know this isn't a popular opinion around here but I wouldn't stay with a woman who was bad in bed

I don't think that is an unpopular opinion and that most would agree that sexual compatibility is indeed a big deal. Many a relationship will indeed end after sexual incompatibilities are discovered.

I would be reluctant to commit to an exclusive relationship

Reluctant or not, It would be extremely rare to find a woman, who, if she knew you were sleeping with other women would agree to take to the relationship to a sexual level (assuming she was looking for a relationship).
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 33
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 6:54:27 AM

Pain avoidance? Hardly, anyone who has ever seen me race a bicycle will tell you I'm a glutton for punishment, and I keep coming back for more.


Still qualifies as pain avoidance. You understand pain on the bike, but you do not understand the other type of pain. The one from rejection, trying to get a woman attracted. You know is there, but you pull back instead of push forward.

I am sorry this has been your case, and I find it so confusing, since the biggest tools and players I've met are cyclist.
And the more out there, the better luck they had with women.

So what do you think you are doing wrong? You are in good shape, good looking, so what's the problem?
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 34
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 8:06:27 AM
I never understood the concept of an exclusivity talk. I always thought that it was implied, the normal part of a relationship. If I'm kissing a woman, why would I want to be kissing another, let alone doing anything else? I'm sorry, but sometimes I think a lot of you are nuts lol.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 35
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Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 8:34:50 AM
I'm really curious as to what the definition of "exclusitivity" is to some people?!?

Anyone can promise to be exclusive, heck even on the first date......so do you take their word for it and jump in the sack just because they said the magic words???
Or are you really looking for declarations of love?

I will never understand anyone basing their sexuality on the words of another person.
I have sex if and when I want to, based on how I feel about the interaction going on between us.
Why would I need someone to promise to only be with me.......when I won't know if I want to be with "only them" till I've had sex with them (guess the term around here is "test drive").
Sexual compatibility is huge.......and the only way to know if you are compatible......is to actually have sex.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 36
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 10:00:48 AM

I never understood the concept of an exclusivity talk

Really? How many threads do we need on these boards along the line of "we have been dating but he/she is still on pof" etc? Do you know why that happens?
[quoteI won't know if I want to be with "only them" till I've had sex with them
Fair enough.. now you've had sex .. it was great. Now what? You aren't exclusive so you are perfectly ok with him giving others a "test drive" as well? I've never met such a woman IRL.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 37
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 1:18:57 PM
Honestly, never. I've had only one chance in my life and someone walked in on us totally embarrassing both of us (well, she was drunk so I don't know how embarrassed she was. I was however.) As it was I felt bad since she was drunk, and came with another guy (who I knew pretty well) I don't know if I would have kept going if someone hadn't walked in on us.

Never?? Wow. Now, your example of almost-did-it is understandable. Yeah, it's totally cool you didn't then.

But you have to understand that the longer you don't have sex, the bigger of a deal than it really is that you do. Fear becomes you. As one cool article I read said about sex: If you hold yourself off from it for too long, you start to fear it and going 6 months without sex can easily become 2 years.

If I'm reading this right (which I may not be), if you're a 35-yo virgin -- you have to step outside yourself and look at it from a logistical point of view: Your gut is not going to be accurate about it all. Don't rely on that -- go with a logistical point of view looking at human nature, etc. The only real "risk" of safe sex in the dating circle (ie not the one-night-stand circle), is a guy not leading a girl on that it will imply being a couple when it won't... or either gender (typically the gal) shying away from sexual activity out of "fear of sex" -- whether you're IN a relationship or have been out on several dates & you both are clicking well.

I never understood the concept of an exclusivity talk. I always thought that it was implied, the normal part of a relationship.

You don't always need a "talk". But no, just because you kiss a woman doesn't mean you're an item. Just because a first date went well does not mean you're exclusive.

I think it's implied when you both are seeing each other rather frequently and communicating with each other fruitfully virtually every day. When that sets in as routine, you don't Need a talk.

A 1st date or 2nd date doesn't mean you're datING. You need something established as more routine by demonstration if you're datING. Many times, it is in a gray-area, and so you mention it. You don't need a big "talk" -- just questions about if you both take yourselves off the market, etc. It's case-by-case judgement call based on how things have unfolded... but you have to realize that a great date or two with someone you've never known before does not imply you're an item (yet?).
 CyclistWill77
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 38
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Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 1:48:55 PM

Still qualifies as pain avoidance. You understand pain on the bike, but you do not understand the other type of pain. The one from rejection, trying to get a woman attracted. You know is there, but you pull back instead of push forward.

I am sorry this has been your case, and I find it so confusing, since the biggest tools and players I've met are cyclist.
And the more out there, the better luck they had with women.

So what do you think you are doing wrong? You are in good shape, good looking, so what's the problem?


Getting rejected is so common for me that I've become numb to it. Honestly, I don't even care if someone tells me they aren't interested. If I message someone online, I pretty much assume I will never hear from them. Heck, in Janurary I must have messaged 100 people, I heard back from one, and that was a thanks but no thanks. In real life, well, I don't seem to meet anyone. I live alone, work alone, ride alone (for the most part, the group rides around here are all guys. They all complain when I go to the front of the group and set an easy 20 mph pace stating that its too fast.) When I go race the car, again, totally male dominated, and the women who do show up are either wives or girlfriends of other people there. I don't drink so going to a bar is out of the question. (Who wants to stand there drinking a coke by themselves? Awkward.) All my local friends are married, and so are their friends.

I have to agree, there are a lot of tools and players who are cyclists and race car drivers. There are a lot of attractive women who are drawn to mediocre riders and drivers. Still, not a one of them is interested in me or what I have to offer.

I have no clue what I'm doing wrong. Its like I rolled or slept in some sort of women repellent or something. My friends haven't been able to provide any insight either. If they know something, they aren't telling me. The really interesting thing is, I have a friend who has a very similar personality to mine . He always has a harem of women following him around (some are better looking than others.) We are interested in the same things, (Its pretty safe to say he's a lot slower on a bike and racing a car.) yet they flock to him, and ignore me. We'll go out to a bar, women will flock to him and I might as well not even be in the room. I've even asked a couple of his ex girlfriends hypothetically speaking, if they had a choice between my friend or myself, every time they pick my friend, and when asked why the best answer they come up with is "I don't know." To take that one step further, in my group of close friends who all met in college, apparently I'm the one guy that all my friends wives/ ex-girlfriends seemed to like the most out of the circle of friends. Still, not a one of those women were interested before or after they broke up with one of my friends. I spend a huge amount of time trying to figure this out. So far I've only raised more questions than come up with answers.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 39
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Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 2:49:21 PM

So I'm just curious, where do you stand on this issue?

I don't require exclusivity before having sex. I do require trust and respect though. That can take a while.


Is exclusitivity before sex okay to ask for?

Sure. Just don't expect to get it from everyone. You can ask, you just might not receive.

Ask for the things you NEED from the other person in your relationship. If you don't ask for them, you'll never get them.
 Sunlight72
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 40
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 3:13:22 PM
Hey Will,
if you want to date, dude I am telling you, you can.

I'm 40. Over the past 2 years I really changed my perspective on dating/relationships/the social world, and on myself -- and it has changed my dating life for the better! Due to your message settings I can't message you, which is fine. If you would like to talk about this some I would be happy to help you get in the game. Message me.

Sounds like you are still open to good things, so keep at it.

As far as POF, I HIGHLY recommend asking for a profile review on that forum.

Best Wishes,
Sunlight,
-------------------------
As to the original topic;

It seems peculiar to me to read the posts from the men who seem to really take it as a personal attack to usurp some sort of power if a woman would want to communicate before hand her desire to be exclusive before sex. Aren't we always saying that communication is key? Yet with this, a woman should just know what your plans and scheduling are?

I don't see how it is out of bounds for her to want to have clarity on your mutual expectations.
 bodart1245
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 41
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 5:21:55 PM
I think it is a must. Anyone who is not totally exclusive with one woman from the first date on is not worth your time. If you can't be committed to starting a relationship than how can you expect to be committed to a relationship after it starts. Relationships take work and they need plenty of attention to succeed. I hope sex is one of the last things that enters your mind when starting a relationship. Physical attraction is great but sexual partner history should be discussed before becoming physical with anyone.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 42
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Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 5:52:54 PM
Have sex when you are comfortable having sex.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel confident that you and he are at least looking for the same thing.
You are not asking him to promise you will be together for ever and ever and some guys on here act as if that is what you are saying. If they are so afraid of commitment they can't tell you, you will be the only one they are sleeping with, they are not right for you.
If things don't work in the bedroom or in another way they are still free to leave just not free to keep seeing you for what ever reason and sleep with some one else.
I wonder how many of the guys on here who would feel minipulated because she wants to know you are not sleeping with other people would really be ok with a woman going out and sleeping with some one else after she sleeps with you until you bring up not sleeping with other people.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 43
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Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 8:34:57 PM

Fair enough.. now you've had sex .. it was great. Now what? You aren't exclusive so you are perfectly ok with him giving others a "test drive" as well? I've never met such a woman IRL


Maybe you have, but just didn't know it!!

For me, being exclusive isn't just about sex.
For me to want and agree to being exclusive, we have to "click" on many different levels, sexual compatibility being only one of them. Being "exclusive" equates to a committment in my eyes.
Until we both agree to that ....... We are both free to do whom/whatever we please.

To be completely honest, I haven't been intimate with a man that didn't lead to "exclusivitity" since my post-divorce playing around days.....and that was MY choice.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 44
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 9:06:11 PM
I think it is a must.

A -must-? Not just a comfort-zone? I can understand how one isn't comfortable having sex unless they feel/have a sense of exclusivity to some solid degree, and also one isn't comfortable jumping into exclusivity just because they have sex "early on". But to say that's a must for all? That's a bold statement....

Anyone who is not totally exclusive with one woman from the first date on is not worth your time.

Okay, now that is way out in left field. You realize that not only many common folk but most professionals in the arena are Not on that bandwagon, right? Exclusivity from the 1st date forward? The only way I could see that happening is if the two knew each other really well (no, pen paling online doesn't count) and sexual/romantic tension was knowingly between them for a long time. Situations like a close co-worker, someone in a social group, etc. But besides situations like that, you're saying that people Should Officially move Really Fast. Not wise.

If you can't be committed to starting a relationship than how can you expect to be committed to a relationship after it starts.

Here's the thing: Most first dates are not starting a Relationship. It's starting to get to know them (on a more-than-friends-level). It's a pre-season of sorts before an actual Relationship's clock would begin. Situations' mileage will vary some, but basically it's once you get past those initial dates/outings -- that getting-to-know-you phase, have you actually started datING them. Many people don't like to move too fast -- like counting the 1st date, at that time right then, as the beginning of a Relationship (being gf/bf).

Not wanting to jump into exclusivity on the 1st date isn't a sign of not taking exclusivity seriously. For many, it's an indicator of taking exclusivity seriously and not applying it to anyone you like just because you fear them not being that into you.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 45
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 9:40:15 PM
If I really liked the girl....
and we get along well...
yes.

Cus for me...exclusivity is the purpose of dating.
The endgame rather.
Not just sex.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 46
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 11:53:08 PM
yes, for me exclusivity comes before sex.
and I have no trouble talking about it with the man.
I once made the mistake of thinking or assuming everyone was exlusive afer sex.
thats why I believe in open communication so no one assumes anything.
if a man does not want to wait until we care enough about each other and are comfortable together
then we are not right for each other.
and thats not going to happen after only a few dates because....
I need to get to know if the man follows his words with his actions.
and I would expect him to want the same from me.
since I am looking for a ltr I think that is a normal thing to want exclusivity.
I so want the desire from both of us to be there, but just not to act upon it so soon.
 lowmiles2
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 47
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/13/2013 1:56:25 PM
Della... you din't say that! I'll never wait 6 months to a year before having sex. Heck, I don't even buy green bananas at my age.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 48
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/13/2013 2:13:42 PM
I've never met such a woman IRL


Maybe you have, but just didn't know it!!

Unless she was a great actress with some odd motives, I don't think so. I've yet to meet a woman who was fine with the man she was having sex with having sex with other women. Most women make this point abundantly clear and even if not said outright, they assume you are exclusive once sex enters the picture. If you tell the woman you are sleeping with that you are seeing other women, be prepared to duck and run.

I'm certain there are many exceptions and women who are very open minded and cavalier about sex in a relationship. I'm just saying, I've never met her.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 49
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Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/13/2013 3:33:44 PM

I'm certain there are many exceptions and women who are very open minded and cavalier about sex in a relationship. I'm just saying, I've never met her.


But we're not talking about "relationships".......we're talking about dating.


even if not said outright, they assume

You might be the one "assuming" things if it's not discussed outright!!
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 50
Exclusitivity before sex?
Posted: 3/13/2013 4:06:00 PM

But we're not talking about "relationships".......we're talking about dating

We can split hairs all day but it's not going to change the fact that as far as the women I have been dating goes .. once sex enters the picture, you are exclusive and no longer free to do what you like. No longer free = in a relationship.
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