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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Dating today... coffee dates and text messages      Home login  
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 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 26
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messagesPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
So I have been pondering this all day now due to the responses so far. We all have our own set of "rules" as you call them but I would like to think of them more as wishes and desires. I think I just know myself, who I am and what I am looking for. At this age I would hope so. I guess the more important thing here is that the two people who are "dating" are on the same page.

I think that I am often too nice and accept less than what I want. I am totally happy with hanging in and cooking, watching TV, watching a movie, playing board games etc. But it seems to me that sometimes it becomes all that and nothing else. The last person I dated, even though I got burned pretty badly, we had a blast together and it made me see what I really want. We went out to play trivia, did Karaoke, went bowling, shot pool, watched Bruins games, hung at my house, cooked, played games, listened to music and watched movies. It was a good mix of doing things in and out. The thing was that we got along so well that we had fun no matter what.

I just don't think it needs to start off so casually. I think at least the first few times out together should be more "date-like" and then it can be a good mix from there. It also breaks the ice doing something instead of just sitting there trying to make conversation which can get awkward. They say couples who still have a date night after years together have more success. There's a reason for that. Even after being together for years they try for each other and don't take things for granted. I have been taken advantage of quite a bit and don't intend to play that role anymore. I'm not asking for someone to put me on a pedestal or treat me like a princess but at least take some time to plan something nice or fun for us to do instead of just meet for coffee all the time. Just like when I have someone to my house. I take the time to plan a nice meal, go shopping for it, make dessert and maybe rent a movie. I take what they like into consideration and try to make it a nice evening for them. I am only asking to be treated the way I treat others. I think I am somewhat "traditional" in the way I think of dating. I believe we should try to impress each other, show who we are and see if there is any possibility for long term there. I believe that is the reason for dating, it's a means to an end so to speak. Unless you are using it as a time killer, then it's a whole different story.

I don't think it's a time issue. I own a salon and obviously work Saturdays as well. If we are meeting later, then I assume it would be evening time and either I will plan to see him for the night or not at all. I would like it to be a date. I don't think that makes me any less of a good person, that's just what I want at this point in my life.

Also, I am not against going for coffee in general and when you are dating someone and you want to meet for a quick cup of coffee when there is only a little bit of time. Great. All for it. I just think for this situation, first date after a first meet, it should be more of a "date". Nor am I against texting, just not for asking someone you barely know on a date.

p.s. Orion... I still write letters. :) For many reasons and for certain situations they are much more classy than trying to say that much in a text message. It's just more thoughtful in my eyes.
 Quasimodo11543
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 27
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 3:34:12 PM

Men-Would you ask a woman out through text?


The simple answer is no. If I had been dating her for some time then, maybe.

Coffee dates are not normal in my past experience however, I don't think it's a good idea for a dinner date on a first meet with someone from POF. First meets to me are an appetizer, if that goes well then a real date will follow. Sometimes on the same day or as a continuation of the coffee date or at another time we agree upon. I don't want to have to sit through an entire dinner with someone I have no idea about aside from a few messages exchanged through this. Sitting through a silent dinner would be awkward, so would forcing a conversation.

After some compatibility has been established after a meet and greet, a "real" date is an excellent idea for a second date. I've never had anyone show up for a drink not dressed to impress either. I know within a few minutes generally if we are going to be compatible, so does the other person. I also factor in that some people aren't exactly honest, if they misrepresented themselves I am certainly not going to want to sit through dinner with them.

The dynamics of online dating are different. When I meet someone in public it means we have already seen each other face to face. Have spoken, shared interests, know exactly what each other looks like, realized we were having a good conversation or time together. In this instance, a date to meet for drinks isn't necessary, I just ask her out on a real date, dinner, theater, movie, whatever. I would never ask someone I have been dating on a coffee date unless it was because of time concerns and it would probably not be done through a text.
 DaenerysNJ
Joined: 2/15/2013
Msg: 28
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 3:35:51 PM

I would enjoy going out for dinner, movie, pool, bowling, watch a game, walk around town, etc. Not to just keep going to get coffee, whether the place serves food or ice cream or whatever.


I agree. I don't do coffee dattes. Period. But that's a personal preferance. I can't imagine why someone you already met you would want to do another one. Unless he's boring/unoriginal/dull.

I don't mind at all if someone asks me out via text. I actually prefer it, as I don't really like talking on the phone. I personally don't think it's a big deal these days.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 29
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 4:26:59 PM
Hey, if nothing else, if your instincts are telling you that he's not worth your time, it really doesn't matter what sort of timetable he's on. The fact that you don't feel right about it is enough.

I just oppose making up fancy structures and rule books to explain stuff, when all you ever really need to do is say

" I just don't wanna do that."
 DaenerysNJ
Joined: 2/15/2013
Msg: 30
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 4:40:06 PM

I think at least the first few times out together should be more "date-like" and then it can be a good mix from there.


I agree. This guy you were talking about in your OP might be what I call a "pro dater". Maybe he does these quick coffee dates all week....whether it's the first meet or not?

Either way, you have every right to date how you are comfortable. If someone just wants to have coffee all the time - where's the fun in that, right?
 Happy_gal2013
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 31
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 5:01:29 PM
I see no problem going out for a second date having drinks or coffee. If two people want to get to know each other better it's a nice way to just set and chat. It should not matter the place within reason. I have been ask out through text. If you don't like it, then just mention to him that you would rather he called you.
 Belluvthebawl
Joined: 2/19/2013
Msg: 32
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 5:23:03 PM
I'm with Igor 150%
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 33
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 6:05:11 PM
Sending a text to ask someone out? I dont think so, but what do I know, I am old fashioned and old school. To send a text to say hello or send a smile is cute, but real communication? Not in my humble opinion. As far as a date.. I have not ever experienced a man who asked me for a coffee the second time.. it was always dinner, a show a play or some other place to get to know each other. I dont know if its a bad place but if you are not happy, maybe talk to the guy and see if you can find something more interesting together.
 OhSix
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 34
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 6:16:51 PM
Let me get this straight... you met a guy who demonstrates interest, follows up and offers to take you out. Since his timing was a convenient day where he could get a proper rest, not rush and prepare for a date, but not the sexy friday or Saturday night full court press you deserve it doesn't "work" for you. He offers to make an exception and meet up for a brief get together on saturday even though he has worked the whole week including all day. Sure he will have to dash through a shower and skip the rest to show up at a reasonable time but hey why not. the suggestion of a drink/coffee was very apparent to mean something low key (setting the expectation that he may not be totally at his best/ have the energy to sit around for a dinner and movie/ stay out to party all night dancing the hours away) but you figure it should be something "More". If you where really interested in this guy you would have jumped at the opportunity to get together on saturday night regardless of what the suggested activity was. Instead you told him "I'm a big deal, when you wish to make grand gestures call me..." but can't figure out why he hasn't come back. hmmm I DUNNO. I don't drink either, this doesn't mean I never have an alcoholic beverage it means if i have to drive anything anywhere the line gets drawn at one (typically with some snacks) before switching to diet coke. Lots of the local pubs have decent food too . Pointing out that you are using HIS non drinking as the excuse should not be lost on you. I don't mind if a friend / date has a couple drinks assuming they display a reasonable level of self control in the process.If drinking was an issue for him he could choose to seek non drinkers or not suggest the option.

On to your second question texting... How is it any different from sending an email or any less impersonal than getting shuffled off to voicemail? It is a convenient way to communicate without interrupting the other persons day. As the sender I know I will not be disturbing something important, when you have time to retrieve me from your pocket and respond, great. Have you sent a voicemail or text to start a daily dialog or reiterate that you are looking forward to spending some time together?

As a recipient I don't care how the message gets delivered to me, voice, text, morris code, smoke signals.... if the interest is genuine and shared you wouldn't find yourself in a petty analysis of the delivery method. Could have been my dream guy if only he had called and asked me to cinderellas ball instead of texting...

Now as a caller, there are multiple issues. cell phones pose a whole new list of complications that contacting someone on a land line don't raise. First, you answer. Am i interrupting anything important at that moment?Is the damn reception even decent so one or both of us are not screaming into our phones repeating ourselves 5 times and still catching only every 2nd word? are you in a place where such a discussion is appropriate? (what is the expected etiquette with you? some folks are rather odd about their "Minutes" as well). Or you don't answer. Do I ask your robot self on a date or begin a game of phone tag? I can see where using the phone may work into the silly little mind games you play with yourself. OMG it went straight to voicemail.. Is he talking to another woman? pof forums please help or maybe.., It only rang 3 times before going to vmail and it normally rings 4. Do you think he chose to decline my call because he was on a date with some other hoe? POF Please help....

At the end of the day it doesn't matter. this contestant is not the grand prize winner and your second date with him is just a time filler until the next guy comes along. If he was right you wouldn't be debating either of these issues instead you would be looking forward to getting together for a beverage on saturday night.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 35
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 6:29:22 PM
OP, the amount of "coffee dates" it's going to take is enough for you to show that you're going to stay interested and stick around.

I'm willing to bet that he's always the one who has to start the conversation, right? When was the last time you texted or called him to start talking? He wants to get to know you over coffee because he wants to see whether or not you're both on the same page. He's looking for someone to date that turns into something more, and that person he's going for is you. He's waiting to see whether you see him as a potential boyfriend, or just someone you're gonna date a while then move on.

When he sees that you're gf material, and that you see him as a possible future bf, then the romantic dinner dates will come.
 DavidJoseph2013
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 36
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 6:53:41 PM

Melissa:

So I have been pondering this all day now due to the responses so far. We all have our own set of "rules" as you call them but I would like to think of them more as wishes and desires. I think I just know myself, who I am and what I am looking for. At this age I would hope so. I guess the more important thing here is that the two people who are "dating" are on the same page.


....Well.... simply say what you want. Most people are not mind readers, so just say what you want, like, need, prefer, etc. and then the other party will know.

....The reason for a quick meet and greet, such as coffee, is either because a bunch of people misrepresent themselves in the virtual world or the perception was wrong and requires no commitment beyond the time to drink your coffee.

....Personally, I have had afternoon coffee dates that lasted well into the night after dinner and others that I was asking for ice so I could get out of there. It is simply a format of introduction that allows for a gentleman, or a lady to not have to be rude or belligerent to leave, because it was already a predefined time frame.

....There are no set of rules to be defined that fit everyone into a preformed package. Some folks take their coffee seriously, while others don't drink anything but water. Some people don't like to talk on the phone and prefer to text, etc. And who knows, with an open mind, someone may introduce you to something different that you will like.

....Thus, there is no reason for all the drama.... no right or wrong and simply inform your potential what you prefer and go from there for compatibility and decide what you can live with or not. Who knows, as you may want to save some of those texts if it turns into the forever plus one day. ;)

============
 Happy_gal2013
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 37
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 7:25:52 PM
#27
Why not invite him for dinner at your home and rent a movie and see if that maybe better than a coffee date. To each their own.good luck
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 38
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 7:49:10 PM
I have asked women out on dates by text, email, and calling her. Method of communication is not important to me. I don't do coffee dates. I would rather do more exciting activities that are relatively inexpensive. Festival, mini golf, game of pool, watching a game at a sports bar, Dave & Busters etc. I generally had a better time at these type of dates compared to the coffee dates. Yet I still could these dates without spending much time or money if it became a disaster.
 Deepseaceecee
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 39
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 9:19:13 PM
I dont agree with texting for a date especially if you have already met. It is cheap and rather rude. He is taking it slowly and perhaps doesnt want to do dinner right now. He may be seeing others and as he is working on Saturday he wont feel like going out saturday night perhaps. You may be coming off a bit pushy. cool it a bit. Let him make the next move.
He is still a stranger and I would NOT invite him home. It may also set a precedent where he thinks he can just chill out at your place and not actually woo or romance you.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 40
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/13/2013 11:29:42 PM

I disagree and here is why:

Meeting for coffee is not a natural thing for a man and woman to do. You have placed yourself in an uncomfortable and unromantic setting. If this is set in the middle of the day, it is even worse as the woman is unlikely to be "dressed to impress" and will likely not make that "knock out" first impression she would if she were dressing for an evening out. Even worse, there is likely a time constraint so the entire thing feels "rushed" (this is what leads to the "interview" trying to get certain questions into the conversation).

All this means nothing if you click with the person you're meeting. It won't matter where you are, what you're consuming, or what you're wearing - all that is conditional to a situation where two people aren't sure they're interested. And if a meeting has a time constraint and you're interested (I'm not sure why coffee has anything to do with the time frame), you'll just make plans to meet again.

P.S. yes, a first meeting is unromantic because you've just met, and it's uncomfortable (for some) because you just met. the second meeting won't be either if you're interested - regardless of where it is or how long it takes.

That means to me, that if I want to spend more time with them, and what they have time for, is another cup of something, theeeeeeeen I might just decide that I'll have another cup of something.

Exactly. You get to know someone when you both have time...no rush, no rules...
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 41
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 7:59:44 AM
Wow, wow, wow....

OK, lets get some things straight....

1- He does not drink at all because he is SOBER, nothing to do with having one and driving. Maybe I do not feel comfortable right now having a few drinks with someone who is sober, or is not sharing a few drinks with me. That's MY choice to make. I do not drink much anyhow.

2- I DID suggest something else, I said dinner and possibly a movie or something, meaning some kind of activity. He texted me back last night with some response about not wanting to rush through a meal to get to a movie. It was a 4 piece text basically saying that he did not wish to sit in a movie theater and not be able to talk to me, he wants to get to know me better. But then at the end said he didn't care what we did as long as he could get to know me better. That was a bit confusing. For me, talking for an hour or an hour and a half at dinner is good, then enjoy a movie, then maybe be able to talk about the movie you saw. I do not feel the need to talk for 5 hours and try to know everything about someone in one sitting. That's just me. I'm not even saying it has to be a movie, just some kind of activity. I am willing to come up with something we both want to do, it was just a suggestion. I like the movies and haven't gone in a while. All I know is that I DO NOT want to sit in a coffee shop again, or on a Saturday night. I will not enjoy it and I think it should be something we will BOTH enjoy since we are both going to be there. I seem to always give in to things I do not want to do to make everyone else happy and I am done with that. I am not saying that in a rude or selfish way but that's the way it is, one of the things I have been working on.

I also think that after the initial coffee meet, quick coffee dates can sometimes be easier/better later on, after you know the person a little and know that you would give anything for 5 minutes with them. You know you can carry on a conversation without any awkward pauses. I think in the beginning it is easier to have things/activities to do to avoid some of that. That way there are not those awkward moments of someone trying to make conversation about something. It can go either way but with some activity you can be sure of it.

3- I am not complaining or making drama, it just got me thinking about people and their preferences so I thought I would ask people what their preferences are. I know what mine are and do not care to be judged for them. If we were all exactly the same, well then, I guess finding a partner and life in general would be easier.

4- Yeah, so he has to work Saturday morning, I own a hair salon and have to work all day and am pretty sure it will be more time consuming for me to get ready for a date than him. Maybe I have plans Sunday and that's why I couldn't go then, not because I wanted the "sexy" Friday or Saturday night.

I wasn't looking for advice on my situation. I know how I feel about it and know how to communicate that to the other person involved. lol. Was simply wanting input on how others date today. If they use or enjoy texting to ask one another out and regarding the dates themselves. I am not sure people even date anymore. I think the person in the other thread was right when they said that.

If you do not like the way I wish to date, then don't date me. It's that easy. :)
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 42
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 8:08:07 AM
My mind is officially blown...people say coffee dates are boring, but a movie is the definition of boring for a first date (sitting there for hours not talking to an unknown person next to you is the definition of boring) unless you want to make out at the back of the theater just like in high school haha.

What I have learned from the younger generation is that dinner dates for dating is not in style anymore. Dinner dates are now reserved for established couples it seems (not a written rule, but just an observation of the women I have dated under the age of 25 and their stated preferences).

From my view ,I don't see many guys in this day and age doing the wine and dine for dates like it used to be. With so many dates that don't seem to progress to exclusive relationships I can understand, and sympathize with this cynical position.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 43
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 9:00:09 AM

people say coffee dates are boring,

I'm one of them..

but a movie is the definition of boring for a first date

You aren't thinking the entire evening through....
Go grab a bite to eat close to the theater .. after dinner walk her to the theater (for real fun don't pick the movie in advance and just see whatever happens to be playing when you get there) .. after the movie you can walk to place nearby for a drink and maybe a late night appetizer ...

The movie actually provides a nice break in this evening and takes some of the "talking pressure" off for awhile. In the theaters here the arm rests retract and you can sit very close and you shouldn't underestimate the appeal of sitting close, holding hands, maybe with her head on your shoulder. The movie itself also gives you something to talk about after.

Not a bad evening huh?
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 44
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 9:04:55 AM
texting is the worst form of communication commonly in use now. The best communication is face-to-face, because you get all the other signals other than words, such as body language, facial expressions, etc. And at least with the phone, you get voice inflection, and full sentences and not text-speak. The phone (voice) should be used to set dates, the better of the electronic communication forms. Texting should be kept to a bare minimum for the first two months.

Up to two coffee dates in the beginning is reasonable. However, this is usually for the women. What people don't know is that more often than not, women fall in love slower than the man. Often women have to pry the men off of them with the Jaws Of Life! So, what is this guys problem? Hard to say. Maybe he works hard and is not ready for the full romantic date night on a work night? Maybe the guy is not romantic? I would recommend taking the 2nd coffee date. Then give him at least a week to be ready for a full date night - if he is not ready for a real date by then/week three at the most, either he has other problems, or is not romantic, or does not feel romantic about you.
 DavidJoseph2013
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 45
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 9:06:20 AM

3- I am not complaining or making drama


....Of course you are.

....Meanwhile, concerning compatibility, concerning what someone else would do; the opinion of anyone besides you and your potential date is irrelevant... as you said, everyone is different.

....How difficult is it to say "I don't want to go to a coffee shop?"

....Rhetorical, say what you want/need and if you settle for less, then expect the same results.

=========


If you do not like the way I wish to date, then don't date me. It's that easy. :)


....We are not dating you.... tell that to the one you are complaining about and problem solved. ;)

Next.... lol


=============
 JS3344
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 46
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 9:22:44 AM
texting is the greatest form of communication commonly in use now. You want to get some kind of warm feeling from the guy by hearing his voice, but I'd rather save it for the date, I love the short efficiency of texting.
golf?
Yes!
9am?
super!
cya!
Five words, and the time is set for fun and conversation and warm feelings, screw the phone, especially speaker phone when people are multitasking and killing my hearing.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 47
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 9:23:09 AM

texting is the worst form of communication commonly in use now

Lots of people over 40 are going to cling to that notion forever. I personally think texting is awesome. If someone calls me on the phone, there is a very good chance they are going to catch me at a bad time when it isn't convenient to simply drop everything right then and talk. Texting is completely unobtrusive and welcome at any time. Someone can text at 6 am to say good morning or at midnight to say goodnight. Calling at either of those times would probably be a bad idea.

women fall in love slower than the man

Another old fashioned notion... you don't have to look very far to disprove it.... you can read it right here in the forums how fast some of these women fall after just one date.
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 48
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 9:33:29 AM
DavidJoseph....

Can you read??? I did tell him that's not what I want to do and suggested something else. I am informing you of events, not complaining. Please learn the difference between a discussion and a complaint.

I know you're not dating me, that was the purpose of that comment. Went right over your head huh???

OMG, I just checked your profile. You are 58? I thought for sure much younger by this response.

I wish people would stop reading more into things than there is.


Stubidoo.... You get my point exactly with the movie thing. Our thinking is the same on that. It is a nice break, relaxing and something to talk about afterwards.


RedJello.... If you don't have time or patience for more than a 5 word text how could you possibly find the time for a date? I love texting, it is very useful and easy for most things but draw the line somewhere. What would you not use texting for? Maybe that's a better question... Where do you draw the line?
 TeaInTheSaharaWithYou
Joined: 2/27/2013
Msg: 49
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 9:49:17 AM
Maybe he's short on cash and doesn't really have a lot of money to date with.

In your shoes, I would have taken coffee date #2, and at the date, suggested plans for date #3 that were a little more "on your terms".
 JS3344
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 50
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 9:51:55 AM
Good question Mel, first of all, I have all the time in the world to date, and I would certainly make the time if I was in hot pursuit. Its not about lack of patience or time, its really about women like to talk more than guys. Guys are logical, lets set up the date and go from there.....what I assume from your post, is that you want to be wooed a little, to get a better, warmer, fuzzy feeling and motivation to date the guy, thats understandable.
What would I not use texting for? The same stuff, sometimes its the right move to call her on the phone, sometimes texting will do. Important relationship stuff should be face to face or on the phone. Flirty chit chat and humor texting during the work day is fun and keeps us connected.
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