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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Dating today... coffee dates and text messages      Home login  
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 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 51
Dating today... coffee dates and text messagesPage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
i rarely if ever do coffee dates..i figure if we have emailed back & forth several times..talked on the phone..texted..etc..and there seems to be some common things and potential chemistry, then at least i can give that person an hour of my time..and do lunch or brunch, or apps and drinks.If its not a match..then its not a match..but i dont go out on 10 dates a week..i'm selective and maybe do 1 date every 2 weeks.
A initial meetup? i might text. A real date- never. Alot depends on the circumstances leading up to meeting. In my age group most of us arent really into texting for hours upon hours.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 52
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 10:26:01 AM
You aren't thinking the entire evening through.... (Yes I am lol)
Go grab a cup of joe[ a bite to eat close to the theater] .. after [dinner]the coffee/ice cream shop walk her to the park[ theater] .....
.....etc...etc...etc...

If there is pressure with the person you are talking to this type of shyness should be all but gone into adult hood. Secondly, the quickest way to build a connection with another person is talking and movie theaters really are not an environment conducive to such social building. As for sitting close that is nice but you are not seeing the other person for most of the movie as you are looking straight ahead at the movie. Looking into a woman's eye while conversing with her reveals a lot more about attraction.

My friend is Italian and I am Greek and the most romantic dates we have been on have been coffee dates. Having a frappe in the evening outside with a candle lit on the table and the instrumental music playing in the background...the good life...and having a beautiful woman sitting across from you gazing into her eyes...saying coffee dates are boring, or unromantic is like the biggest white glove slap to the face to an Italian/Greek you can deliver, probably even more so to a French national haha.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 53
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 10:53:38 AM
there is pressure with the person you are talking to this type of shyness should be all but gone into adult hood

Really? Another 30 year old is going to lecture me? What is this crap about "shyness"? Dude... even married couples do not CONSTANTLY talk to each other. Maybe when you reach "adult hood" you will discover the joy of a quiet evening together.

Having a frappe in the evening outside with a candle lit on the table and the instrumental music playing in the background...the good life..

Screw the frappe... (nobody drinks that crap in the evening) switch it to a glass of wine after the movie and you are right back to what I suggested in the first place. Except my evening is fun while yours (while cheap) bores your date to tears. Ok, I probably shouldn't say that. I'm certain there are a lot of women that like boring coffee dates... I've never personally met one but I'm certain they exist.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 54
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 11:12:38 AM
Interesting mix of responses here.

I do “coffee dates” for initial meetings, but I have never done more than one coffee date with the same woman. I can’t imagine that I ever would, either. After that first meeting, if I want to see her again, then I will suggest something more “date like”, dinner, movie (at the theater), pool, miniature golf, whatever.

I have texted for a date. It is not my usual style, but I have done it, something like:



Sunday afternoon, 4:45 at Greenway, “Django Unchained”, care to join me? I’ve been wanting to see that movie, and we can get a bite afterwards.

This allows her to think about it, check her schedule, go to IMDB or Rottentomatoes and read reviews of the movie, and then reply. Now if the answer is more complex than “yes” or “no”, it’s time for a phone call. Different time, different location, different movie – call me back and we’ll talk about it.

Mostly, I’m just going to agree with Igor. You can’t expect someone else to adhere to your ideas of how dating should work. The whole point of dating is to see if the two of you agree on such matters, and then see if you can work out compromises that both of you can live with. There is no right or wrong.
 ReadBeforeWriting
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 55
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 2:22:58 PM
Had you had a conversation instead of text on this matter, you'd have been better able to express to/understand one another. This went beyond what should be addressed via text.
I agree that a coffee shop on a Sat night for the second time would be unappealing.
Odd that he is balking at the idea of dinner.
I'd speak, not text, and explore further before drawing a conclusion.
 OhSix
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 56
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 3:13:58 PM
His reasons behind the choice of sobriety are his alone The reference to myself was only to demonstrate that people are able to exist in the environment without partaking or succumbing to the need to drink as probably 29 of 30 pub visits do not involve drinking.. Realistically nothing was stopping you from going to a pub/club and both having non-alcoholic beverages, dancing, taking in a band. In fact he may be interested in how you treat the situation. Do you follow his lead and respect his circumstance and not even have booze on your breath when he goes in for a kiss or do you slam 3 doubles and pour yourself into his car even though he is sober as a judge drinking water with lemon all evening. More importantly his suggesting it would indicate that he does not see the environment as challenging or a temptation to relapse ( really an important detail in the context of dating a recovering alcoholic. How will they handle social situations where the temptation exists, do they fall of the wagon, etc) Accepting the invite and observing may be a valuable vetting tool. Moreover he probably wouldn't be suggesting something he didn't think would be enjoyable. Personally, I try to make suggestions that leave me uncomfortable and miserable all the time, especially if there is a slim chance it will make a girl happy.

Go ahead and set us all straight the way you see it. I called his thought process behind not engaging in a detailed saturday night date with the suggestion he did not want to rush but you brush it aside with the reasoning that since he just triple S's n throws on his least dirty shirt where you spend hours trowelling on the warpaint, and since his day couldn't possibly be more demanding than yours there is no excuse. "All I know is that I DO NOT want to sit in a coffee shop again, or on a Saturday night." cause a saturday night in a coffee shop doesn't stack up to what a saturday night should be ... in other words not sexy enough... regardless of the reason for declining the sunday invite. He suggested something he thought you might like, You responded with something you knew you would like. Not something you thought he might like. See the difference.

Your suggestion of "something else" was no less than an attempt to shift it from a low key affair to something full blown.A willingness to "play it by ear" is important. (however at a minimum one should only accept a firm commitment to meet with a no later than type clause in the leadup) Incidentally.. if you would have replied to the effect of "sure lets get together and do some drinks and food", been so bold as to suggest "If we get going early or don't end up in a rush I'd love to see (insert movie here), I'll buy and promise to only poke you if you start to snore" he would probably have been less leery of going with it. As rockstar suggested this is all leadup preliminary stuff to do some vetting on his part. It might just be an attempt to confirm that when you get around to calling him "My boyfriend atm" you really mean "at the moment".. Showing some give with the take may have changed his tune.

As it stands the old dinner and a movie are underrated, It is actually advantageous to do dinner post movie since you will have a common experience to lean on if/when things seem awkward. Plus there are many details you can draw from in that dark room together. What was their suggestion and reasoning for picking the movie, do you share the same tastes? do you laugh, scream and cry in the same places? Do they "Get" the jokes? Do they end up so enthralled with the show they shush you when you make a comment in their ear?

Looking for advice or not, you opted to take what amounts to an observation about your dating world and give us a specific example involving yourself. Had you given a hypothetical male female interaction the interpretations would be the same only the names would be changed to protect the innocent. The only judgment being made is based on the details you provide and the subsequent reactions Since you don't wish to see the different translations of what you are broadcasting then the only acceptable "Input" would seem to be that which reinforces your opinion of "how things should be". Advice on the current situation won't matter as it has already been mishandled. Incidentally you requested this particular "input" in a forum titled "Dating and Love Advice" ... Just sayin...

If you didn't care to be judged or thought your position was without question you would not be looking for other interpretations. Is not the purpose of opposing viewpoints provided through feedback meant to cause one to consider the correctness of what they deem to be "a law of the universe from their point of observation."
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 57
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 4:05:21 PM
RedJello.... Yes, all very well put.


ohsix... No, I did not ask for advice on my situation, I asked what would you people do in similar situations for yourself. I did give examples of what prompted me to ask, that is all. If you actually read my OP, I never asked for advice or input, at all, simply asked what other people look for or accept. I already know how I feel about it and I am OK with that. I am OK with who I am. Are you?

He doesn't seem to have a problem with me wanting to do something else so why should you? I should go out and do something that I do not/might not necessarily enjoy just because a man graced me with his asking? Women should bow down and be happy that any man asked them out or is willing to spend his time with her? Get down off your pedestal. Must be hard to see all the women lined up waiting for you from up there. You are very long winded and in the end it doesn't add up to much of anything. I am sure you could sit in a coffee shop for hours since it seems you like to hear yourself talk but do not value others having their own opinions... but the question is, would the woman even get a chance to speak? You sir are jaded.

It is possible to make plans so that BOTH people involved will enjoy their evening. I, ME, one of the people going, happen to enjoy a dinner and movie night sometimes, so while you might find it underrated, you are not the one going on the date. And I made it as a suggestion of something we could do, not the be all end all of what I wanted to do. There are other thing in play here regarding the specific situation with this particular man that might have some bearing on MY decisions with him, but they are not your business and had nothing to do with the actual questions I asked in the beginning of this.
 DavidJoseph2013
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 58
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 6:32:39 PM

Melissa

Can you read??? I did tell him that's not what I want to do and suggested something else. I am informing you of events, not complaining. Please learn the difference between a discussion and a complaint.


....Oh, I passed my literacy test before you were born and now, after three pages of whining/complaining, albeit rhetorical on dislikes (read your posts), you are still trying to slot your potential second date that obviously is not compatible with your wants and needs and reeks of need for confirmation.

....Yes, that is drama... and quite simply, live with it, or find someone else that is more compatible, if you can. You don't change anyone, as people will change only if they want to.

....From a discussion format, first meet and greets from the virtual world are brief with potential for longer term if both agree. What I think, or you think a second date should be, is our preference and compatibility requires the second party to be on board with us, and us with them. Personally, I am not into the dull and mundane of the local bar, bowling, or the movies, but I admit, people do have to eat, so food is in there someplace.

======


Melissa

OMG, I just checked your profile. You are 58? I thought for sure much younger by this response.


....I am sorry, I did not realize the forums were limited to 40 some year old females that cannot find a guy to take them to dinner on a second date and require affirmation. :)

Enjoy your evening....


========================
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 59
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 6:55:06 PM

Really? Another 30 year old is going to lecture me? What is this crap about "shyness"? Dude... even married couples do not CONSTANTLY talk to each other. Maybe when you reach "adult hood" you will discover the joy of a quiet evening together.


Having a frappe in the evening outside with a candle lit on the table and the instrumental music playing in the background...the good life..

Screw the frappe... (nobody drinks that crap in the evening) switch it to a glass of wine after the movie and you are right back to what I suggested in the first place. Except my evening is fun while yours (while cheap) bores your date to tears. Ok, I probably shouldn't say that. I'm certain there are a lot of women that like boring coffee dates... I've never personally met one but I'm certain they exist.


I do not want to treat my date like my wife. I can understand why married couples do not need to talk to each other so much because they are married and hopefully live together. With my date, I want to talk to her, and find out more about her. Maybe that makes me crazy I guess lol. Long silence are so anti climatic and not really romantic either IMO haha.

As for the frappe, it is common to have it around 10:30PM and then the red wine at around 11:30 PM. Us Europeans love our frappe and red wine in the evenings. :) Outdoor coffee dates are extremely common in Europe and the equivalent to that in the U.S. would be meeting your date at the bar (many restraunts are not that open that late for example).
 OhSix
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 60
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 7:38:00 PM
I read your initial post very clearly and offered an interpretation for his reluctance to go full date on a saturday night and why he quit responding at that point. You can now confidently proclaim he doesn't mind the concept of something else as apparently communication has resumed but was it not a lack of response that prompted the the first post and "got you thinking"? I'm Ok with myself, so much so that I don't come and ask if receiving the invite via text is make or break in the acceptance of a date.

I believe you may be confused to the function of a pedestal in addition to the definition of underrated since I was in essence agreeing with Stubidoo and yourself that the movie date can be a useful and fun. Your diagnosis of jaded brings into question your understanding of the term but everyone gets their own opinion.
 DavidJoseph2013
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 61
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 8:01:42 PM

Sunshine
As for the frappe, it is common to have it around 10:30PM and then the red wine at around 11:30 PM. Us Europeans love our frappe and red wine in the evenings


A bit off topic...

....In Spain, they typically eat late and you will see whole families, Mom, Dad and kids walking home at 10 or 11pm from the restaurants that all serve ample selection of economical, but great wines. I absolutely love the culture, while all that walking subscribes to a much more fit society.

....Depending where you are, frappe can be much more than iced coffee; more like a dessert that can be consumed while walking along the beach at night, or whatever two people want to do.

==========
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 62
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/14/2013 10:42:39 PM
You two argue all you want, but my guess is still that he's looking for you to show interest in HIM, not where you go for you date.

Honestly, how often do you initiate conversations with him vs the other way around?
 orange_hill
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 63
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/15/2013 6:53:29 AM
If I liked a man, I wouldn't lose interest in him just he texted instead of called to ask me out. That's not a big deal to me. I don't like coffee dates either. Some people will say the venue wouldn't matter if 2 people click. Sometimes that may be true. However for people that are quiet or shy or nervous, sometimes a more exciting activity can help them become more comfortable on a first date.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 64
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/15/2013 7:04:21 AM
As for the frappe, it is common to have it around 10:30PM ...Us Europeans love our frappe

Welcome to America .. where (oddly enough) you are going to find American women and I have yet to meet a single one who 1) wanted to go out for coffee as a date and 2) wanted to drink that crap late at night. Of course, I'm probably the odd one here right? Sure, that's it... Americans woman are SO European... smh

I want to talk to her

Oh no doubt.. sitting there with your frappe droning on for hours ... most women are probably falling to sleep just thinking about it ...
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 65
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/15/2013 7:30:47 AM
Ohsix... I never said he quit responding, we haven't stopped communicating. It had only been a couple of hours and I was still waiting on his response at the time of the OP. The point of it was that while these may not be my preferences, I was simply curious how others do or do not like to do things. I never said it was a make or break or that I wasn't going to go out with him because of either or that he didn't want to do a full on date as some have said, these are assumptions. He made a suggestion and then I made one, that's it. This part of it is being made into a bigger deal than it actually is. That is why I keep saying that I am not necessarily complaining, I am not seeking validation or affirmation, it just got me thinking. You were right when you used the word observation, that describes it much more accurately than complaint. It really is that simple.

When I am doing something with someone, a friend, a date, one of us will say hey, do you feel like doing A, the other may say no I feel more like B, maybe you do A, maybe you do B, maybe you settle on C, as long as both people have fun and enjoy their time, does it matter how you get there?

RE: the underrated comment. I misread and thought you were saying it was overrated... my bad.

Look, everyone has preferences; some like short, some tall, some like skinny, some with meat on their bones, some like very active activities such as hiking or running, some like theater and entertainment, some want all text, some prefer to talk. None of the above are right or wrong, just preferences for each individual, that's what makes us all different. When searching for a person you want to be in a romantic relationship with it's good to be at least somewhat on the same page, especially as far as communication and interests.

Rockstar... Yes, he knows I am interested and yes, I do initiate contact. I don't know how it came to this. We both have some level of interest. I think maybe we are just in different places as far as what we want from a dating relationship at this point in time, something we had discussed a while back. Explaining this would mean I would have to get much more into specifics about our conversations which really has nothing to do with what this thread was about. I'd be happy to tell you to if you want to know.
 bottleguy
Joined: 3/22/2011
Msg: 66
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/15/2013 8:05:26 AM
In my experience it's the women who only want to text. I have tried getting them to talk on the phone and they won't. Especially the first two or three days. And then they want to wait weeks and weeks before meeting. Why invest that much time when you can meet after about a week and realize whether you should continue?
 H0wAboutIt
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 67
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/15/2013 1:49:43 PM
No I would not ask out a woman via text message. I don't text message because I want to be able to get a sense of what's going on behind the words. If I asked her out, I can listen for hesitation or sense excitement. I think calling puts me ahead of the other guys she may be talking to or have expressed interested because most guys aren't confident enough to pick up the phone and just make the ask.

In your situation - I just think this guy is busy and doesn't know how to balance his schedule. But is trying to make a way to see you. Really, the best dates are interactive dates where you're doing something. One of my best spots for a date that I use is "Dave and Busters". I've dated women who were in their 20s, their 30s, and even 40 who always enjoys it. Let the games do the work for me :-) He may not know any better. Another thing to consider is that he may not feel comfortable YET for whatever reason.

While he sounds somewhat boring, it seems like there's chemistry between you all. When he texts, just pick up the phone and call him. Tell him you prefer not to text for whatever reason. He'll get the hint (hopefully).

Do the coffee/drinks again. If by date 3 he isn't suggesting something else, then maybe you should consider getting off of this train before you find yourself going to sleep.

Bottom Line: 1) He should call 2) Never pick the same date location or even the same day and consecutively. It's just not as exciting.

Good luck to you both, OP!
 DaenerysNJ
Joined: 2/15/2013
Msg: 68
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/15/2013 3:35:53 PM
Melissa - you have to come back and tell us what went down on your date/non-date.

and this:

If by date 3 he isn't suggesting something else, then maybe you should consider getting off of this train before you find yourself going to sleep.


is totally quoted for truth.
 Albvs
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 69
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/15/2013 8:43:00 PM
I arrange a coffee date via the email system here. And if that goes well then we might arrange an actual date to follow. I wouldn't give out my actual email address or phone number before the face-to-face coffee date, though. That's just a bad idea, IMHO.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 70
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/16/2013 8:54:22 AM

I arrange a coffee date via the email system here. And if that goes well then we might arrange an actual date to follow. I wouldn't give out my actual email address or phone number before the face-to-face coffee date, though. That's just a bad idea, IMHO.


I would prefer to exchange numbers before a date / meeting in case someone is late due to traffic, getting lost, getting out of work later than expected etc. Or has to postpone the date at the last minute.
 DavidJoseph2013
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 71
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/16/2013 10:44:04 AM

bottleguy
In my experience it's the women who only want to text. I have tried getting them to talk on the phone and they won't. Especially the first two or three days. And then they want to wait weeks and weeks before meeting.


....If they actually do physically meet, it is because you are on their list from this smorgasbord. Be patient as they eliminate those in front of you.... a girl only has so much time... lol

======


bottleguy
Why invest that much time when you can meet after about a week and realize whether you should continue?


....Standing in line by either gender reduces their attractiveness/appeal. Move them over to the potential friend list and search for someone that is ready for a potential relationship with you.

....Of course there is the argument that their life is just too busy now and if so, what are they doing on here? A valid question, because there are plenty of "internet daters" walking the virtual halls that for several reasons, have no intention of moving to the real world.

==========
 DavidJoseph2013
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 72
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages
Posted: 3/16/2013 11:00:35 AM

stubbi
Welcome to America .. where (oddly enough) you are going to find American women and I have yet to meet a single one who 1) wanted to go out for coffee as a date and 2) wanted to drink that crap late at night. Of course, I'm probably the odd one here right? Sure, that's it... Americans woman are SO European... smh


....Conservatively, there are about 20 million legal immigrant women in the USA and who knows how many illegal immigrants, but absolutely in the millions that are everywhere, especially in the sanctuary cities, whereas only about 23% of the total are from Mexico.

....Maybe the trick is for him to find one before they are 'Americanized.' .... lol


==============
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 73
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages are cop outs.
Posted: 5/30/2018 4:13:30 AM

Anybody care to answer about how many coffee dates? I feel one of those is enough and after that it should be something different, more of a date of sorts. That's just my opinion though and I am curious to see how others feel.


The answer is...never. If somebody man wants to meet me "half-way" for a coffee meet, I can stay home and enjoy a cup of coffee and read amusing profiles, without giving credence to some non-commital old fart who drinks coffee from a paper cup and calls it a date.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 74
Dating today... coffee dates and text messages are cop outs. bring donuts
Posted: 5/30/2018 5:11:20 AM
I can understand, a boring man across the table, makes the whole event be about the coffee. But if he's worth visiting, then isn't the visit about experiencing him, and a good cupa joe is the icing on the cake?
 hey_suze
Joined: 8/28/2017
Msg: 75
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Dating today... coffee dates and text messages are cop outs. bring donuts
Posted: 5/30/2018 10:14:36 AM
I do more coffee dates on average than meals.
It doesn’t matter to me, and it generally depends on how far we travel to meet, time of day etc.
And 95% of the time, I pay my half.
So a coffee or a meal, I’m meeting for a date. 😊
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