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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc      Home login  
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 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 24
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etcPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)

It would appear that the male species are more inclined to do this sort of thing, or am i wrong and females can be just as bad? I personally would rather explain my reasons as to why i did not wish to persue another date, or relationship or am i in the minority with a situation like this?


Not a gender specific issue. Many women do the disappearing act as well. Some women have texted me after a date and said things like "you are a sweetheart", "I had a lot of fun", "we should go out again". When I called them to set up another date, they wouldn't return my calls or we would make plans and they cancelled at the last minute.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 25
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History
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 7/11/2014 11:00:48 AM
I don't think there's a way to avoid the flakiness of people today (especially online).

My thing is, if a woman does not want to meet up (or appear to me, to be sincerely be creating an opening in her oh so busy schedule) within a week of e-mails, then she is not for me. I have a very strong dislike for 'Nervous Nellies', scaredy cats, and the type of woman who has put herself in a position to have been hurt enough, to where it causes this type of behavior.

Anecdotally, (and if reading these forums count for anything), I would guess that 80 or 90% of the semi-attractive females on this site, between the ages of 35 & 45 are separated, damaged, and/or otherwise emotionally unavailable. They would not meet and/or escalate with George Clooney himself or a male model. They miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight do a meet, just for the ego boost, but then their, "What if he doesn't like me?"/"What if he dumps me, just like the last guy did?" insecurities get hold of them, and.....................................

Never met up with anyone from POF. 2 recent e-mail experiences (both appeared to have been brand new to the site):

1) An interesting (and highly complimentary on her part) volley of e-mails late on a Friday night/early Saturday morning. 10am Saturday she sends me an e-mail that reads, "I can tell you will be so much fun to talk to. Call me xxx-xxxx." I live in another state from this person, but it's less than an hour drive (not a problem for me). Assuming she can read, she knew this from jump. I thought it odd that this woman would proffer her phone number so quickly. For some reason (just a hunch, nothing concrete), I got a vibe like this woman is separated and/or recently out of a relationship. Anyway, I e-mail her back that I can call her Sunday morning OR Sunday night, which would she prefer. She writes back, "Anytime". According to her profile, this woman had 2 fairly young children. Right then, I did not like the, "Anytime" answer. I am a proponent of the saying, "That which can be done at 'anytime', will be done at no time." Needless to say, I wrote that I would call her Sunday evening around 8pm. I did that. She picked up and hastily said she was, "busy". We had another volley of e-mails a few days later. Never heard from her again. All this, from someone who offered up her telephone number, unsolicited, within a few hours of e-mail convo. I am an outstanding conversationalist, but............................................

2) Saw a woman's profile. Physically, she was my 'type'. She was no 'spring chicken', nor was she glamor-girl gorgeous. She just had a pleasantly friendly face. She had, what appeared to be, recent pics of her and her girlfriends out at a local resort area for her birthday. I e-mail her. She writes backs a few sentences (which by online standards, is earth shattering). A couple e-mails later (same day), I ask her about restaurants she would recommend in her area. I am NOT a "foodie". I eat to survive. I only asked the question, as a harmless way of generating some convo (since nowadays, for whatever reason, people seem to hate the "interview" questions that have worked for a 100 years). Anyway, she writes back that she is not too much of an eater, woo, woo. I write asking her if she would be receptive to "getting to know each other" and taking this from e-mail to the telephone? I was also deliberate in writing that, if she would prefer to keep it at the e-mail level, for now, I was cool with that. Never heard from her again. My point? My pics did not change (in either instance). Both of these women answered my e-mails immediately. Both of these women volleyed multi-sentence e-mails. Had she (the second broad), given me a half a chance, we could have discovered that, among other things, NEITHER one of us are big eaters or into food, for more than sustenance. While I found her physically attractive, there is NOTHING else to have found attractive about a person who makes such flaky judgments that they would not want to invest 30 minutes of their life into a meeting.

Could they both have been e-mailing multiple guys simultaneously. Absolutely! But again, I am not interested in a woman who is so undiscerning, that d@mn near any guy on this site is a compatible 'match' for her. I am delusional enough to believe that there are a handful of women out here, who are looking for something so specific (yet, realistic), and that they are not susceptible to the, "any port in the storm" mentality.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 26
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 7/11/2014 11:37:11 AM

Anecdotally, (and if reading these forums count for anything), I would guess that 80 or 90% of the semi-attractive females on this site, between the ages of 35 & 45 are separated, damaged, and/or otherwise emotionally unavailable.

Anecdotally, if I don't find what I'm looking for in a particular place, I go elsewhere. I don't stand in the middle of the floor b*tching about it.
Just in case you wonder, I came to this site via an internet search for dating FORUMS. And found them.

Mostly I look elsewhere-and I don't mean elsewhere online!- when I'm interested in dating and relationships.

I do get contacts from this site,and quite often they seem to fall off the face of the earth after a few emails. I've had numerous experiences of being in phone conversations with a guy from this site, and can't get him to set up a meeting. I've had plenty of situations where either the initial email was the equivalent of a leer, or the preferred meeting place was someplace unacceptable.( I don't go to mens' houses, nor invite them to mine, for first meets!)

Oh trust me, if I was easily wounded( or frustrated) I could make the same comments about "damaged/emotionally unavailable/flaky". I could blame the site, I could blame the internet....
but I don't.
Back in the day when people actually dated other people that they had already met in person, lots of these dating involvements never really went anywhere.
This or any other internet dating site is NOT a damn vending machine for dates.
Cindy O
 imokurok77
Joined: 6/2/2014
Msg: 27
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 7/11/2014 12:32:27 PM
I've gone out with quite a few people that I've met on line. One for over 2 years and since that ended 2 years ago more than a couple/few.

I've had men flake on me (as well as stand me up) and I suppose I've disappeared on some as well. It seems to be easy to lose momentum in communication. Forget kiss a lot of frogs, the majority of people I've interacted with never made it to an in person opportunity to kiss.

I met someone a couple weeks ago from match (we talked 4 or 5 days before we met - logistics mainly, DC area traffic, other plans, etc). We have date #5 planned for this weekend, so I'm putting my energy there (and am pretty tickled about the concept, so far we are hitting it off quite nicely).

As most are, I was talking to some other people when I first met him. If the other conversations had gotten to the point of discussing a meeting, I let them know I'd not be following up (vs just going 'poof'). If we hadn't really gotten to that point, I just let the conversation drop.

I had had a first meet with someone couple days before I met this man, but after a couple 'hey sexy, you want to have a drink tonight?' messages from him at 9 or 10 pm the night of the invitation, I just let that conversation die. No judgement, I just realized we weren't looking for the same thing.

I definitely went on-line to meet people in person. Not saying I'm in the majority (maybe I'm in the 10-20% and that is why my experiences overall have been quite positive). I have several male friends who have also met the person they are currently dating on this (or other) sites. Not to negate anyone else's experiences but .... does that give anyone hope, that it does happen? I'd like to think so... But maybe not - maybe it just makes them mad? I do think it's often a matter of wading through a lot of 'ugh' - and everyone has to determine when a lot of ugh is too much.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 28
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History
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 7/11/2014 1:48:57 PM
@imokurok

Wish you all the best with the guy from Match.com.

No doubt, that there are people who have met, and meet everyday of the week via online dating, and have successful interactions (however those 2 people define it).

Yes, I have hope (also balanced by MY own perception of reality). I would not use online dating if I did not have any belief that chemistry and compatibility could be found online.

However, it is also my opinion that a certain mind-set is pervasive online. Granted, "the grass is always greener" however, I always believed that an attractive (18 to 35 year-old) woman gets hit on constantly, everywhere she goes (work, grocery store, motor vehicle dept., in class, at the mall, in line at the post office, etc. etc.), so I often wonder, "Why would someone with other options, choose find people in such a static, superficial venue?" Again, there are numerous reasons (live in a small town/rural area, work with mostly other females, no (single) family/friends, works remotely/from home, workaholic, etc. etc.) however, as I wrote, I also think there are A LOT of males & females who prefer online because it's perfect for the emotionally unavailable. Also, I have been an avid reader of the forums for about a year, and I have found the number of people who write as though they are still in some kind of emotional pain or are seemingly overly fearful, to be overwhelming and disheartening.

What I never knew, could never have known, (and had no reason to ever even consider when I was younger), was that, after approximately age 30, so, so, so many people have been so hurt (whether from childhood issues with their parents and/or their choice of relationships), that it is extremely difficult for a non-user type to get to know them. It is my opinion that a lot of these types of people simply cannot or do not want to handle someone who just sincerely says, "Hey, I really enjoy our conversations." " I like spending time with you." I've read over and over in these very forums where people write that behavior like that is "needy" and "desperate" (the two most profane words on POF). Those SEEM like innocuously sincere comments to me, but apparently, a lot of (damaged) people think to themselves, "Uh oh, this person is starting to get clingy." What?

I have always been an introvert. Nobody enjoys their solitude like I do. I find that every 6 weeks or so, I need to disconnect from the world. Took today off from work, just do not want to see or talk to another human being, HOWEVER, I have always been extremely flattered, when a woman tells me, "I really enjoy talking to you." It is the highest compliment I can receive. In an "ideal world", I would meet a quality woman who understands that I need a lot of "me" time (I always have, even as a child), she has other interests that fulfill her, she does not take it personally, and she overstands that I more than make up for it (with her), because when we are together, I am 100% laser-focused on her, her preferences, her likes, dislikes, and her overall comfort, she has my total attention, I am not one of these people who has to be checking their phone every other minute, and she will come first in my life. I have a lot of flaws, however, I do not think any woman I have ever been involved with, would say that I was not, "very attentive."

To sum it up, every sane single person over the age of 30 knows how very difficult it is to meet, "the one" (or even a quality acquaintance), regardless of whether it's online or IRL. So, so, so, so very many stars in the constellation have to align juuuuuuusssssssst so, and online is probably even harder than that, because you really have nothing to go on, until a week or two or 5 (when you meet). So, there are so very many ways for either party to "drop the proverbial ball", between an initial contact and a face to face meeting. It really is like hitting the Powerball Lotto. You certainly cannot plan your life on it, but people do win, and 'you've got to be in it, to win it'.

And, as sad as it may be, for a lot of people (especially those over 30, who are consumed with work and/or family), online is really the only viable option. Yeah, the "knock out" woman or the Hollywood-hunk guy may get hit on (more than once) in the grocery store, however, for mere mortals, unless someone in your circle gives enough of a d@mn (and knows someone who miiiiiiiiiiight be compatible..............for more reasons than just that that other person is single), online is pretty much the only game in town), especially since I just do not believe that very many women (over age 30/35) are all that receptive to just having a random guy approach them while out in public. Those women will often say things like, "But, I don't know him." "How rude of him and how dare he interrupt me while I am engaged in the engrossing and consuming endeavor of dropping off my dry cleaning?" "I don't want to meet a guy in the street. He could be a psycho." Yet, those same women have no problem ignoring the incongruity that it's the SAME EXACT guy that's e-mailing them from www.meetsomeonetohavearelationshipwith.com.

So many people make things much more complicated than they need to be. Go figure.

Best of luck to you & hopefully you never need or want to come back to online dating again in this lifetime.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 29
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 7/11/2014 3:16:31 PM
It's sad that being available and honest is seen as desperation by others. This fuels the false notion that you need to act not interested to be attractive. Let the other person wonder....

The whole caring the least wins mentality is prevalent online. It is indeed a game when you have to ACT anything other then your authentic self to be attractive.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 30
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 7/11/2014 3:22:05 PM

The guy is sitting at home wondering if the girl really likes me. Both people are counting the number of days between communication and nobody is willing to communicate directly because they don't want to be perceived as needy or desperate.


Sounds just like high school.

Of course, that's because so many people never really evolve beyond high school type dating styles.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 31
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 7/12/2014 10:16:01 AM
I've had guys do the disappearing acts, and when I first started dating again, it confused the crap out of me. Now I'm at the point where I just shrug "oh well" and move on. Most of the time, they contact me again months later but that's just a little too late for me. I do the same now - if I didn't feel it for the guy I met on a date, I'll just stop talking to him. I used to be all concerned about hurting their feelings, but guys don't seem to be all that concerned about mine, so why should I. Plus, if you keep talking to someone you're not attracted to, you'll be accused of leading them on.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 32
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 7/12/2014 10:25:57 AM
I do the same now - if I didn't feel it for the guy I met on a date, I'll just stop talking to him. I used to be all concerned about hurting their feelings, but guys don't seem to be all that concerned about mine, so why should I. Plus, if you keep talking to someone you're not attracted to, you'll be accused of leading them on.


I wouldn't do the disappearing act just because it's common or other women have done it to me. The actions of other women have nothing to do with a woman that I just had 1-3 dates with. Telling someone that "we're not a match" or "I met someone else" is not leading them on. These responses clearly state that you're not interested.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 33
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 7/12/2014 12:25:44 PM
south city = I have told men before that I wasn't interested or whatever, and got insults thrown at me and mean things like "hope he cheats on you" when I told them I met someone else. I don't need that crap, so I just fade away.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 34
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 7/12/2014 1:16:26 PM
Obviously the rude responses were uncalled for. In that situation, I would block the other person. However not replying doesn't always prevent rude messages though. Some women ( and men ) have told me they got messages such as "You think you are good for me, you ugly stuck up b!tch/a$$hole" because they didn't respond.
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