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 fiery_blonde
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 13
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Caught off guard by a NarcissistPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
You said 1%? Well, that 1% must all be from Orange County. You just described 3/4 of the people here. lmao
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 14
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/18/2013 9:53:34 PM
LOL. Hey, thanks for lightening this up! If it is only 1% that makes sense cuz this is the only person I met like this.
 thisiscrazy45
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 15
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/19/2013 6:16:29 PM
yes.... i wonder if its the same man.... lol...
very dissapointing and frustrating..... i had also never met anyone like this person either. very cunning and charming only to result in selfishness and awkwardness as he started to unfold.... again, very disspointing... lessons in life can be unsettling
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 16
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/19/2013 7:08:25 PM
Hi thisiscrazy, you are the reason I started this thread. I wanted to talk to someone else who was just as taken back as me. I am not even angry at this person even though he got very ugly. I know he doesn't even give a second thought which is why this kind of person is so confusing. I can actually laugh at some of the things he did or said because I was so oblivious that I really thought he was joking. I have learned to start listening!!!
 Latticuss
Joined: 7/10/2012
Msg: 17
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Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/20/2013 10:50:47 AM
I've always had a different definition of narcissim I guess. Basiclly, someone who is not interspective. No capacity to ever admit mistakes. Anytime something goes wrong, it's always someone someone else's fault. Is that what you are talking about?
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 18
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/20/2013 2:02:11 PM
Hi Latticuss, yes that description fits as well. The most overwhelming quality was the lack of REAL emotion. Not even a sense of humor. Again, all of this came out towards the end when the mask was slipping.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 19
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/21/2013 9:36:58 AM
Eleuthero, I am not trying to offend you. Yes, I am not psychologist. I have said that is seems to ME, that he had NPD. His actions gave me this opinion of which everyone is entitled. I disagree with you that most people cannot connect with other people's emotions. This person could not connect on any level. Actually said to me that he does not think that way. He thought that everyone was talking about him. Even if it was negative he liked the idea that people were talking about him. He always kept things on edge, ( gas lighting ). Again, this behavior happened after the intial phase. If you are a former psychologist then you should understand how a person might feel at meeting someone who seems to have had NPD. I have met a lot of people in my lifetime but this was very different. This is why I am asking others if this has ever happened to them.
 lostcausein
Joined: 3/16/2013
Msg: 20
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/21/2013 10:00:35 AM

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which the individual is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. This condition affects one percent of the population.

Symptoms of this disorder, as defined by the DSM-IV-TR include:

Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation


Sometimes I may get annoyed , depends how much confidence I have in what's being criticized. It also depends on WHO is doing the criticizing , are they being a hypocrite ? Too critical ?


Taking advantage of others to reach own goals

Goals ?


Exaggerating own importance, achievements, and talents


Ha ! Might as well try and convince others the sky is purple while I'm at it

Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance


Doesn't everyone do this from time to time ?


Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others


Only when I'm on fb



Becoming jealous easily


Only if my SO has been neglecting me


Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others


No way - I do have a conscience, so I'm good on this one.



Being obsessed with self


Does constanst self criticism count ?


Pursuing mainly selfish goals


Goals ?


Trouble keeping healthy relationships


I'm here aren't I ?


Becoming easily hurt and rejected


Only if it's someone that I find very attractive and think " Please be the one to get me off of here finally" and she doesn't respond



Setting goals that are unrealistic


Goals ? I gave up on those a long time ago


Wanting "the best" of everything


I gave up on that a long time ago


Appearing unemotional


No, I can become emotional if provoked .

So... I guess I pass the test....hmmm...maybe I'm the opposite ?
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 21
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/21/2013 10:49:54 AM
Well you sound very nice and I hope you find what you are looking for. : )
 Rabbitman49
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 22
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/25/2013 5:26:27 PM
re: #3 - I'm confused too:
If they are a narcissist, ...
" If they are a narcissist," then he's schizophrenic, not narcissistic. He can be his own best friend too! ;-)

Obama is a narcissist. He has to stick his nose into everything, even when he shouldn't. His self-importance is infinite.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 23
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/26/2013 11:50:24 AM
ohblahdee123,

Thank you for sharing your awful experience with me. I feel the same way about the red flags that you do. I honestly think because I was married for most of my life that I had very little experience with men. I also never heard from the man again after I told him that I would never contact him again. I also look back at some of the behaviors that was mentioned how a narcissist behaves and ask myself how did I not see how odd this was? Never again will I miss that.
 Beechgal
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 24
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Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/30/2013 10:58:03 PM
My exBF (met on here!) was text book NPD. The first few months they "love bomb" you to suck you in. You can not believe how lucky you were to meet a wonderful guy who you click with so much. They make it seem like you have everything in common & he is the man of your dreams. It is all fake. Then they start with the crazy making (gaslighting)...little lies that start you doubting yourself. They are serial liars. They are able to keep the crazy under wraps until you are under their control...very skilled and smart manipulators. My guy was super smart & if you met him you would think he was the nicest man in the world. The mind games they play are very subtle at first. NOTHING is ever their fault...they will try & turn everything around on you with their circular conversations. he would take the most innocent thing & out of the clear blue sky start raging about it...molehill into mountain. The crazy was intermittent so at first I would chalk it up to the stress of his job etc. Brainwashing going on too.
They are very hard to spot at first...very clever con men. If you start to see red flags...run like Forrest Gump. They can do a lot of damage. I am still suffering from PTSD from my experience. And to top it off, he was a major cheater (which I didn't find out until we split)--they feel like they are entitled to everything & everyone. I didn't even know people like him existed let alone that I would fall for one. My head is still spinning.
BTW...online dating is a favorite trolling ground for their prey.
 Beechgal
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 25
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Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/31/2013 2:02:16 PM
E
You seemed determined to dispute & minimalize everyone's experiences on here for some reason. I couldn't care less what you think. I & my therapist know what I experienced and I chose to tell my story to warn other women how easy it is to fall for these men regardless of age. Blame the victim is your mantra. You don't know what you are talking about--not one single bit.
The implication is not that YOU should take my word for anything but maybe that you should restrain from blaming and criticizing victims of abuse. I don't see how your calling someone's experience "nonsense" or "dramatic" is contributing to the conversation. I suppose if you have nothing of any substance to add is your way to stay relevant....at least in your own mind.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 26
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/31/2013 2:34:45 PM
Beechgal, I have no idea what this man's issue is with us saying that someone is Narcissist. Maybe someone labeled him at one time and it really upset him. I am not naive, I have raised 4 children to healthy adults, and have met many people in my lifetime as I am sure you have. Obviously, the reason I made this thread is because I never met anyone like this before in my life. I am happy that I did not become very involved because I can see how someone that has NPD behaviors can damage to someone. Like I said previously, I was not a good source of supply thank the Lord. I appreciate your sharing with me and others because it really helps to hear from other people who have had this experience. To meet someone who really has no empathy and actually has to copy other people's emotions and reactions because they lack feeling is just amazing.
 Beechgal
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 27
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Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/31/2013 3:06:31 PM
Thanks Santa_Anita,
I think I smell this jerk is a little too defensive about it...it could be hitting too close to home. And even the lack of empathy seems to be E's style too. Hmmm
Anyway, yes you are lucky to have gotten out...it can be very traumatic. I have gone to a support group & some of these people were married for years to NPD & their life & minds will never be the same. They make you crazy. Like you, I am not stupid nor naive. But I also don't go on a date with someone expecting them to have a personality disorder or be a sociopath. I don't look for ulterior motives behind every single thing out of a man's mouth or everything he does. Yes I am cautious but you can't just assume that everything someone says is a lie. If they were overt jerks of course we would walk the other way but that is what is so damaging about it. They are sneaky & manipulative. I feel so bad for the 18 yr old daughter of my ex...she is already screwed up thanks to him. And knowing what I do about my ex's childhood I can see how he is the way he is...it is a coping mechanism somewhat....but at the expense of everyone in his path.
I am going to delete my other posts. This classic blame the victim mentality is why I don't tell many people my story and sure enough...along comes this loser to do exactly that. Good luck to you Santa_Anita!
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 28
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 4/1/2013 3:08:08 PM
Wow E,
You sound really upset. I gave very clear descriptions of the actions of this individual. You were nice enough to list the qualities of someone with NPD. I never really had a clue about NPD until I met this person. I agree with B on the fact if someone has NPD or is a psychopath they actually are VERY GOOD at hiding this that is the WHOLE POINT. If someone just started acting like a jerk who would want to be around that? They are skilled at hiding who and what they really are or they would not get what they wanted. I created this thread to hear about other peoples feelings on knowing someone like this. I am not demonizing anyone. The funny thing is this person would enjoy the fact that he was being talked about because it would give him ATTENTION. The supply they love above all but he really has no clue so this is hurting no one. I hope you were not this angry when you actually had patients.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 29
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 4/2/2013 9:55:13 AM
Hi E,

You have made a very good point about someone who is a victim in every relationship. I see your point. I disagree about NPD and sociopaths not being very good at being manipulative. They must learn to have this skill because as far as I could tell they don't feel the same emotions as most people. That was the one quality that took a while for me to figure out.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 30
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 4/2/2013 10:51:45 AM
Oh ya, forgot to point out that most sociopaths are NOT criminals but I know you know that.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 31
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 4/5/2013 8:23:09 AM
Good grief everything comes down to a battle on these forums.

Yes, there ARE people who are narcissists in the clinical form and you don't need a psychology degree to spot them. I did briefly have a run in with one of them (who is currently on this site) and it was one of the strangest experiences I've had. This person was incessantly self absorbed, hated when anyone else got attention, competed with me, and wanted to set me to work helping to design and craft his next CD cover (he was a musician, no surprise there)..everything about how he related to me (and others) was about using the person. Using them to help promote himself and his agenda. There was never, once, any focus or consideration on the other person's life or feelings. It was all about what he could get, how he could promote himself, and staying in the spotlight. His relationships with others were always strained and usually revolved around him being frustrated that others were not either jumping at every need he had or not getting what he wanted fast or efficiently enough. He seemed to have nothing but disdain for his family and constant paranoia about his own personal safety.

He LOVED to talk about himself, even if it was how he infected a couple other women with herpes. Everything that came out of his mouth was an attempt at manipulation. The herpes story was an attempt to show me what sacrifices these women made for him because they loooovveedd him SO much. It was all pretty demented.

The songs he wrote were usually about how someone else had hurt him, and why did she say he didn't treat her well, etc..Ironic!!!

And no, we never slept together..for obvious reasons, my association with him was brief. But interesting.

In general, a narcissist is constantly running from a deep shame, and are constantly trying to maintain the image, the false self..everyone around them is merely a tool to keep this up. An object, a thing. Not a human. Once you decide to leave, they are off looking for the next supply of attention.

Look up Sam Vaknin on youtube or online.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 32
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:52:01 AM
Hi V,

I really thank you for sharing your story. I love love love Sam Vaknin. That is where I got a lot of my information when I just started researching what the hell just happened?? As you pointed out, I knew that the person I met was unlike any other I had every known. Like I was telling Beech, I came to understand that I was a very poor souce of supply and to be honest I really was not understanding what he wanted. My association was also brief but really shocked the heck out of me!!!
 HywayRyder
Joined: 4/6/2013
Msg: 33
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 4/11/2013 9:46:45 PM
The reason psychiatry only recognizes 1% of people as narcissistic is because all Shrinks are narcissists and they hate anything that outs them especially themselves. 2nd greatest characteristic of narcissists is denial !!! LOL
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 34
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Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 5/1/2013 5:42:29 PM
I just wanted to ask, mostly the ladies, if you have dated someone you met on this site and realize that they had a severe personality disorder? I ask because I had never met anyone like this prior to this person, and came to find that he was a narcissist.


Not that I doubt your analysis, but would be curious how you came to be aware of the subject of Narcissism or personality disorders in the first place. Did you read a book, or an article on the subject, which BTW, seems to be a very popular topic these days in certain circles? Also some common Aspergers traits (like being empathy-challenged) are often confused with Narcissism.

That said, I personally don't consider psychological terms to be the sole domain of the mental health professions, which as we all know, can be just as fallible as anyone else! And BTW, this is said from the experience of someone who (unknown at the time) lived for 12 years with an NPD/BPD woman (eventually clinically diagnosed), but which was only discovered after we went thru 7 successive, and very pricey, marriage counselors... with not a one of them ever suggesting even the possibility of mental health issues for either of us! Finally the 8th one suggested we take some tests, which referred us to a professional psychiatrist, who eventually formally diagnosed my ex-wife with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), co-morbid with symptoms of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

BTW, although NPD is thought to occur more frequently in males, there are a lot of folks who feel that BPD is simply the female version of NPD. In any case, I finally left not because of the diagnosis, but because it was clear she didn't want to seek any treatment or even acknowledge she had a problem. And NPD/BPD folks always famously deny any sort of accountability anyway, even when you have them dead-to-rights, because it's ALWAYS someone else's fault.... just like the CIA motto, “Admit nothing, deny everything, make counter-accusations” (...LOL)!

Incidentally, my own “takeaway” from the whole experience, and from having lived intimately with one, is that Narcissism is a sort of “spectrum” disorder, and that someone doesn't have to be a full-tilt, clinically-diagnosed NPD or BPD to still have enough symptoms to watch out for. And they're really not difficult to notice... yes, there's a certain charm and the ability to be whatever they think you want them to be, that naturally can be very attractive. But if you're paying attention, in very short order they also tend to control the conversation (which is always 'all about them'), they tend to act like they're ''special'' and ''entitled'', and they will often 'test your boundaries' with odd comments and behaviors. So bottom line is, that if the world is indeed a ''jungle'' out there, then Narcissists have simply become a surprisingly common modern-day ''predator'' to be aware of these days. And BTW, for all the self-help books now that "demonize" these kinda folks (who never really chose to be what they are), remember that it always still takes "two to tango"!

Oh, and one more passing thought... IMHO, the internet and online dating sites in particular (where you can be whatever you wanna be, and there's no accountability) are just chock-a-block full of 'em... although fortunately they're also easy to spot!
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