Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Orgasms from penetration alone      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 151
Orgasms from penetration alonePage 7 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

The rest go completely unsatisfied and become
"Cold fish" because they figure they are supposed
To come vaginally and give up on themselves


From my personal experience I have to disagree with this statement. I've known women that did not come vaginally, and they told you and made you work on them in other areas. They were not the cold fish that sat there. The other day my gf gave me an incredible bj and she said right then that she was not doing it for me (meaning she didn't do it to get me to ejaculate, but for her own pleasure). Then I went on to oil her all over and continued with more penetration.

What I have found (in my experience) to be the cold fish were women that came too quickly and then were done. They didn't do anything else or demanded more pleasure.

I am not saying that there are not other versions of this, but this has been my experience.

A woman I dated had such a hard time coming that she wanted me first, very hard, then after I came, she would use her BOB, while licking me. It was rather bizarre because it was as if she was doing two guys. I later on asked her if that was a fantasy of her, and she told me hell no. To her, not only her clit was an erroneous zone, but her lips. Go figure.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 152
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/20/2014 7:29:22 AM

What I have found (in my experience) to be the cold fish were women that came too quickly and then were done. They didn't do anything else or demanded more pleasure.


'Cold fish' to me means utter lack of interest in sex or orgasms for either party!

Coming too quickly? LOL...ALL the men I have been with were 'cold fish' then!!

Why do you think some women lack interest in their own orgasm or communicating their needs?

Maybe I was simply speaking for myself in that I care more about my guys orgasms than my own.
Have ALWAYS had to get myself off during sex until this last lover.
He at least knows, thanks to my telling him,how to get me off.
But I still give more than I expect.
Got SICK of sex because my needs where never met even when I did inform my xH what they were.
Became sexually accommodating for men because I had given up on my own orgasm.
Why should I hope for something that by 50 I know won't happen?
Thought there was something wrong with me because I only came via clitoral stimulation orally or digitally!
Have YET to have an orgasm via penetration alone and have lost ALL hope that I will.
Found out that I am actually normal and that ALOT more women don't come via penetration alone than I ever imagined.

So yeah,I might be projecting,but I know I am FAR from alone in the dissatisfaction department no matter how much I communicate my needs.

Some things are simply physically impossible no matter how much you believe in mind over matter.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 153
view profile
History
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/20/2014 2:01:26 PM

Why do you think some women lack interest in their own orgasm or communicating their needs?

*doesn't know her own body
*doesn't know how her body works
*doesn't know how to verbalize her needs
*doesn't know how to verbalize her wants
*doesn't know what her needs are
*doesn't know what her wants are
*has a history of poor sexual experiences with past lovers
*might have a history of sexual abuse or trauma
*was raised in a super conservative way
*might be strongly religious
*probably has parents that did not demonstrate physical affection in front of the children
*probably has been taught that women do not do "those things" because only "bad girls" do them
*might not be sexually attracted to their current partner
*could be gay (in a heterosexual relationship) or straight (in a homosexual relationship)
*might have extremely low idea of their own self-worth
*might have low self-esteem
*might have low self-confidence
*might not know that a woman can orgasm or experience sexual pleasure


Those were the ones that came to mind for me...
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 154
view profile
History
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/21/2014 10:03:38 AM
However much this does or doesn't apply to the current chat here...long ago I began saying "You can't be very concerned with whether or not someone can make you cum, if you don't yourself know how to cum." You have to know how, and be able to yourself, before laying it all on the other person and their ability to do it for you or learn what it takes for you.
 LanaTownsend
Joined: 5/27/2014
Msg: 155
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/21/2014 10:26:46 AM
Didn't read the entire thread but that's why it's so important for a man to be good with his hands and mouth. In-out, in-out doesn't do it for most women, and a man who actually cares around his woman's pleasure will take note of that. On the other hand, it's also up to the woman to COMMUNICATE her needs/desires too. If she's just laying there while he's pumping away and not getting off herself, then she's partly at fault too.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 156
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/23/2014 4:50:19 AM

Didn't read the entire thread but that's why it's so important for a man to be good with his hands and mouth. In-out, in-out doesn't do it for most women, and a man who actually cares around his woman's pleasure will take note of that.


Exactly.


On the other hand, it's also up to the woman to COMMUNICATE her needs/desires too. If she's just laying there while he's pumping away and not getting off herself, then she's partly at fault too.


Just curious,how can it be both ways? If it's a known fact that penetration isn't going to get her off,how can it be her 'fault' if she's just laying there not orgasming while he's pumping away if there are no fingers or tongues involved during penetration?

Most men won't go down on a woman AFTER he comes inside of her.
So unless she gets off BEFORE,she typically goes without.

I'd say that isn't her fault,especially if the man KNOWS she won't come during penetration alone.


"You can't be very concerned with whether or not someone can make you cum, if you don't yourself know how to cum." You have to know how, and be able to yourself, before laying it all on the other person and their ability to do it for you or learn what it takes for you
.

I know what gets me off,and it will never be penetration alone.
If my lover knows this and doesn't do what it takes to get me off,why shouldn't I lay it on him?

I can rub one out during penetration,but it's a MUCH better orgasm when he makes the effort which in my case is rarely.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 157
view profile
History
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/23/2014 8:25:55 AM


Didn't read the entire thread but that's why it's so important for a man to be good with his hands and mouth. In-out, in-out doesn't do it for most women, and a man who actually cares around his woman's pleasure will take note of that.



Exactly.

All drivers know to stop at stop signs too and how many times have you seen someone roll through one, or gone through one yourself? Knowing something doesn’t mean that you always, 100% of the time, act on that knowledge.



On the other hand, it's also up to the woman to COMMUNICATE her needs/desires too. If she's just laying there while he's pumping away and not getting off herself, then she's partly at fault too.



Just curious,how can it be both ways? If it's a known fact that penetration isn't going to get her off,how can it be her 'fault' if she's just laying there not orgasming while he's pumping away if there are no fingers or tongues involved during penetration?

Most men won't go down on a woman AFTER he comes inside of her.
So unless she gets off BEFORE,she typically goes without.

I'd say that isn't her fault,especially if the man KNOWS she won't come during penetration alone.

My needs/wants change from day to day, sometimes minute to minute.

Right now, I don’t always need additional manual stimulation during penetrative sex to orgasm. Sometimes I do. He’s not a mind reader and will not know which time I need more unless I tell him. Sometimes I don’t WANT him touching my clitoris because I’m way too sensitive, or he’s not doing it the way that feels good to me (which also changes from day to day). He won’t know those things unless I tell him either. So while he knows the fundamental basics of what I need to get off, the actual getting off is really up to me. I have to be an active participant in it otherwise I’m not orgasming and he’s not 100% at fault.

To say your partner is responsible all the time for your orgasm is passing the buck and putting the blame solely on someone else’s shoulders.

Also.. a man doesn’t have to go down on a woman after sex to get her off. There are other options.




"You can't be very concerned with whether or not someone can make you cum, if you don't yourself know how to cum." You have to know how, and be able to yourself, before laying it all on the other person and their ability to do it for you or learn what it takes for you

.

I know what gets me off,and it will never be penetration alone.
If my lover knows this and doesn't do what it takes to get me off,why shouldn't I lay it on him?

Because he is not the only person in that bed at that time having sex. You are as well, otherwise you are the cold fish f*ck. If he’s not doing what you need.. speak up, move his hands, be an active participant.


I can rub one out during penetration,but it's a MUCH better orgasm when he makes the effort which in my case is rarely.

Then tell him what you need.

Men’s brains tend to get hyper-focused on things during sex. His lizard brain is now in “must procreate” mode and less in “must please her” mode.

I get that sometimes a person forgets that they are having sex with someone else. It feels good, they don’t want to interrupt that feeling, they want to get off. If it’s a consistent thing and happens all the time.. why on Earth would you want to continue having sex with them? That’s a sign of a selfish lover. Some men (and some women too for that matter) don’t know any better though, either because that is always how it’s been, or they have been taught to behave that way or that behaving that way is ok because their partner(s) don’t speak up.

If it’s happening all the time and you’ve talked about it, chances are it’s not going to change any time in the near future, if ever. It’s possible that they might not be aware they are being a neglectful lover. It’s possible they might know and just not care.

Either way.. the one not getting you off isn’t 100% responsible, any more than one partner in a marriage is 100% responsible for it’s failure. You are both 50% responsible for the joint outcome, and 100% responsible for your own actions and satisfaction.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 158
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/24/2014 6:40:34 AM
Because he is not the only person in that bed at that time having sex. You are as well, otherwise you are the cold fish f*ck. If he’s not doing what you need.. speak up, move his hands, be an active participant.

Men’s brains tend to get hyper-focused on things during sex.
I get that sometimes a person forgets that they are having sex with someone else. It feels good, they don’t want to interrupt that feeling, they want to get off. If it’s a consistent thing and happens all the time.. why on Earth would you want to continue having sex with them? That’s a sign of a selfish lover. Some men (and some women too for that matter) don’t know any better though, either because that is always how it’s been, or they have been taught to behave that way or that behaving that way is ok because their partner(s) don’t speak up.

If it’s happening all the time and you’ve talked about it, chances are it’s not going to change any time in the near future, if ever. It’s possible that they might not be aware they are being a neglectful lover. It’s possible they might know and just not care.

Either way.. the one not getting you off isn’t 100% responsible, any more than one partner in a marriage is 100% responsible for it’s failure. You are both 50% responsible for the joint outcome, and 100% responsible for your own actions and satisfaction.


He's EXTREMELY one tracked minded and since I know I won't come during penetration,after 5 years,I just don't expect it to be "my turn" before his turn anymore.Nothing worse in my book than demanding to be pleased.
If I have to ask,it's not worth getting.
From day one...he's had an oral aversion so that leaves me high and dry for the most part.
Luckily,my sex drive has taken a dive,age,hormones,lack of orgasms,so at this point,I don't give a sh*t about getting mine much anymore.But I do enjoy his enthusiasm towards his own orgasms.

Call him selfish and me a cold fish,but I'm just damn tired of being 100% responsible for my own orgasms after DECADES of that crap. Shy of finding a man with an oral obsession,and ending this relationship or opening it up I simply am not getting off for weeks at a time.Whatever.

Sex is not the main reason I stay with this man...I actually want,need and love him in my life.

It would have been great had I found someone who was MORE interested in MY orgasms than their own,but hey,such is life.I'm so damn used to that BS, it doesn't surprise me in the least.

Not a SINGLE man I have EVER been with was any different than the last even though they ALL knew,I didn't come via penetration.And only a handful went down on me willingly.so yeah....Is it me,or men in general who are simply selfish lovers at heart.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 159
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/24/2014 4:17:44 PM

Not a SINGLE man I have EVER been with was any different than the last even though they ALL knew,I didn't come via penetration.And only a handful went down on me willingly.so yeah....Is it me,or men in general who are simply selfish lovers at heart.


I really hate to say this hearton, but I would have to say it is you. I have only ever been with one man who didn't care about my satisfaction as much as his own and that relationship didn't last too long. Only one who wouldn't do oral and as I get older, it seems that the men are more experienced and aware of what most women need to get off. H3ll, even when I was young, the guys all went down. My SO asked before we had sex the first time if penetration did it for me and we went from there.

At this point in my life, if I was ever single again, I certainly wouldn't tolerate a guy who didn't ensure that we both completed. It is both partners responsibility to ensure that everyone is happy, satisified, purring at the end. I would think that a relationship would not last when one partner is sexually frustrated and angry about the selfishness of the other. I know I certainly would question the committment and love.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 160
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/25/2014 3:07:41 AM
Lol it's my fault 95% of the men I have been
With weren't into giving oral sex? (My fault
Would be not dumping them because they weren't
Into it as I'm not shallow enough to evaluate and
Entire person on their sexual dislikes)

But ok my fault if you say so.
So. I would also have to assume it's also my fault
I don't come from penetration alone?

No man has EVER had to ask for me to blow him
Let alone get him off! I want him to WANT
to so badly asking would be moot!

If not I'm not into half assed efforts done
Begrudgingly!!!

So last night, interestingly enough, my guy
Decided on his own that he would take care
Of my needs before his own without me asking
And did his level best shy if oral to get me off.
I still had to get myself off but he helped AND
THEN got his.

I KNOW this man loves me and do NOT take
His lack of female anatomy knowledge personally!!!

Nor can I say I'd kick him out because he rarely
Goes down on me!

For most my situation would be a deal breaker
I just know based in years of experience that
What a man enjoys doing in bed or not is NOT
A REFLECTION ON ME!

If I had dumped every man who wasn't into oral
I'd only have had 4 out of 36 lovers who were into it!!
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 161
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/25/2014 5:41:41 AM
Lol it's my fault 95% of the men I have been
With weren't into giving oral sex? (My fault
Would be not dumping them because they weren't
Into it as I'm not shallow enough to evaluate and
Entire person on their sexual dislikes)


You asked if it was you or are most men selfish when it comes to sex. I answered you based on my experiences. Given the two options the only answer for me was that it must be you because, based on my experiences, MOST MEN ARE FAR FROM SELFISH when it comes to sex.


But ok my fault if you say so.
So. I would also have to assume it's also my fault
I don't come from penetration alone?


Absolutely not your fault, the majority of women aren't built that way, myself included.


No man has EVER had to ask for me to blow him
Let alone get him off! I want him to WANT
to so badly asking would be moot!


No man has ever had to asked me and in return, I have never had to ask. We both want please each other. Two way street. Just like marriage, a good sexual relationship is not 50/50 is 100% from both parties and it seems to me that if one is always left unsatisfied, someone isn't giving 100%.


If not I'm not into half assed efforts done
Begrudgingly!!!


And that is a huge problem to me, if a man (or woman) isn't willing to give willing what the other partner needs, there is a huge problem with selfishness.


So last night, interestingly enough, my guy
Decided on his own that he would take care
Of my needs before his own without me asking
And did his level best shy if oral to get me off.
I still had to get myself off but he helped AND
THEN got his.

I KNOW this man loves me and do NOT take
His lack of female anatomy knowledge personally!!!


This is what I really don't understand, you have been with this guy for a while and he still hasn't figured out what he needs to do to get you off! Sure it is a little different everytime, but your partner should be able to figure out the different moves needed.


For most my situation would be a deal breaker
I just know based in years of experience that
What a man enjoys doing in bed or not is NOT
A REFLECTION ON ME!


Again you asked a question with two options. One being you are the problem, two being most men are selfish. Well most of know the the second option is not true so that leaves us with option one.
No it is not a reflection on you, but you are picking these guys! Not sure how you have managed to find so many that don't do oral and don't care to learn how to get a woman off, but you have.


If I had dumped every man who wasn't into oral
I'd only have had 4 out of 36 lovers who were into it!!


Again odd numbers that don't jive to me. Sorry for your bad luck!
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 162
view profile
History
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/25/2014 8:08:21 AM
@Hearton.. you know my comments were not directed AT YOU SPECIFICALLY, right? If you're happy in your relationship, and you obviously are otherwise you'd change things, who am I to say anything about what you should do. The things posted are more to get you to think about things, perhaps someone will post something to resonates with you and it might make a difference.


Not a SINGLE man I have EVER been with was any different than the last even though they ALL knew,I didn't come via penetration.And only a handful went down on me willingly.so yeah....Is it me,or men in general who are simply selfish lovers at heart.

While your experience is your own, mine and everyone else's is my/their own as well.

A lot of the men I've been with have something in common... they're male. That's pretty much it. Otherwise they've been employed or unemployed, tall or short, heavy or althletic, dark or light haired... some have been some class A a$$holes some have been genuinely sweet and wonderful. The common factor in all those relationships has been ME.

Every time a relationship of mine has ended I've taken the time to reflect on it and figure out if I need to adjust something in myself to be happier and healthier in the next one. I've never been a bed-hopper (and I'm not saying you are!) and even though I'm good with separation of act and emotion, I do prefer the emotional connection over just getting laid for the sake of getting laid.

I'm not shy about asking for the things I want and need from my partners. I haven't always been like this and it's safe to say I am not the same person I was 25 years ago. Back then I settled into a relationship because I thought I couldn't do better. I wasn't getting off unless I did it, usually solo play because my SO then had about a 2 minute trigger. It's also not a hidden fact that within months of starting that relationship, I was cheating on him. I cheated again at about the 3 year mark too. I was miserable and unhappy while still being happy and looking forward to the future. Talk about messed up!! I went from a quiet mouse not really advocating for myself to this she-devil who now takes what she wants. I'm so much happier now because of it.

There's so much that you post that I read, especially in this topic, that I think.. there's no bloody way I'd tolerate that. There are two messages, pretty conflicting/opposing ones running all through this discussion.

You're right.. there's nothing wrong with you. This is how you are. There are a lot of women that do not orgasm through penetration alone. You're not alone.

The conflict here for me is, as much as you say you're happy, you're just as vocal about being fed up with how it is. I'm getting whiplash from that and I'm having a hard time reconciling those things in my head.

As a very outspoken woman (you), how is it that you have been unable to get across to him how important it is that you are pleased as well during your sexual times together? That would be very difficult for me to live with short-term, let alone plan a "'til the end of time" kind of relationship.

Like you, I love seeing my partner get off, I love seeing him happy. I would be so incredibly angry and frustrated if he repeatedly couldn't be bothered to even attempt to get me off. It would foster an air of resentment and make me less open to those naked sexy times with him, even if I LOVE getting him off. I would lose any and all interest in sex with him.

My current partner doesn't do the things my former partner did. My current relationship is new.. about a year old. The old one was 5 years long, with a lot of time spent exploring. My current has learned a lot about me and what I like, need and want in the last year... and will continue to learn more. However, he is not currently capable of giving me all the things that I want, and might not ever be able to. It's the difference in personalities I think. My former has a mile-wide sadistic streak (that I miss) and my current is a very gentle man. Flipping it around, the former wasn't able to give me the gentleness that I sometimes wanted.. the stuff I'm getting in bucket loads from my current. Now.. if only I could take the best elements of both men and combine them, maybe add in some from another male friend of mine.. I'd have my perfect man for me.

No partner arrived into a relationship with me knowing how to get me off. I had to show them. Those that didn't learn, didn't stick around as I am no longer willing to settle for less than I deserve.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 163
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/25/2014 9:19:39 AM
@Hearton.. you know my comments were not directed AT YOU SPECIFICALLY, right? If you're happy in your relationship, and you obviously are otherwise you'd change things, who am I to say anything about what you should do. The things posted are more to get you to think about things, perhaps someone will post something to resonates with you and it might make a difference
.

From now on,I will respond from that perspective because at times,I do take your imput personally and sometimes
defensively.Just know,it's not easy divulging my issues in public even if anonymously,knowing full well that not much will ever change, so complaining is pointless.


Like you, I love seeing my partner get off, I love seeing him happy. I would be so incredibly angry and frustrated if he repeatedly couldn't be bothered to even attempt to get me off. It would foster an air of resentment and make me less open to those naked sexy times with him, even if I LOVE getting him off. I would lose any and all interest in sex with him.



I couldn't agree more.Add that to the reality that he's financially dependant on me,yet spends his money on his bills and it's not easy to reconcile my situation.



You're right.. there's nothing wrong with you. This is how you are. There are a lot of women that do not orgasm through penetration alone. You're not alone.


Thanks for that concession.I actually HATE my reality.I always thought if I found the RIGHT MAN,it would happen easily.I Have had to face facts that it's my mind and body that keep me from enjoying that type of sex.My guy isn't very well endowed so that might also be part of the problem.


The conflict here for me is, as much as you say you're happy, you're just as vocal about being fed up with how it is. I'm getting whiplash from that and I'm having a hard time reconciling those things in my head.


Happiness is relative.But I hear what you are saying. Let's just say I'm not about to throw the baby out with the bath water......yet.I have been in one too many abusive relationships to risk losing the respect(or choosing a decent man with a broken picker) I have in this one to find a more fulfilling sex life I guess.And being that the "honeymoon stage" is over,and real life has taken us thru so many trials,it's not surprising to me that this is where I am.

Not to mention,if you find my choices a little odd,you probably wouldn't be surprised to know that I am supporting him financially to the point that it's as lopsided as our sex life has become.


There's so much that you post that I read, especially in this topic, that I think.. there's no bloody way I'd tolerate that.


And that's what I hear in your posts.That you really don't respect me. I can understand why tho.

I learned young to tolerate ALOT more than I ever should have from my relationships.Not easy to change my core being,dysfunctional as I may come across.I know my choices are my responsibility
.I am choosing to stay with a man who doesn't hurt me overtly.And believe me,where I live and who my choices were at the time he found me and pursued me relentlessly,I was DAMN LUCKY to have met someone with character and a conscience.I tend to run head long into sexy narcissists and sociopaths as a rule so this is a change for me!!!


My current partner doesn't do the things my former partner did. My current relationship is new.. about a year old. The old one was 5 years long, with a lot of time spent exploring. My current has learned a lot about me and what I like, need and want in the last year... and will continue to learn more. However, he is not currently capable of giving me all the things that I want, and might not ever be able to. It's the difference in personalities I think. My former has a mile-wide sadistic streak (that I miss) and my current is a very gentle man. Flipping it around, the former wasn't able to give me the gentleness that I sometimes wanted.. the stuff I'm getting in bucket loads from my current. Now.. if only I could take the best elements of both men and combine them, maybe add in some from another male friend of mine.. I'd have my perfect man for me.


I hear you on all these trade offs.Sometimes I feel like I am settling then I remember how much pain my 24 year marriage caused me and am just trying to adjust to the differences and accept that I can't find exactly who and what I need.

We have come a long way in 5 years and have along way to go,but I did inform him that I needed him to instigate,focus on me,and persist in trying to get me off even though I can be limited in my own way.I about stopped mid-sex last night in utter frustration.He told me to relax and calm down we would find a way.I about burst into tears.

I feel numb.Never get myself off.Lack a sex drive to speak of.Feel depressed at times due to lifes circumstances and in some ways,am happy to be his "cold fish" in bed that he can do whatever he wants to and with as it takes the pressure off of me to get off as it's never easy for me and at the same time,enjoy his orgasms with him.Something about my lack of worth/importance haunts me of course to be in that mind set
.I attribute it to conditioning as a' sex slave' in my childhood and ultimately my marriage.I was never attracted to my husband sexually.Went 10 years without intimacy,but I blew him religiously as he threatened to cheat on me and I didn't want to lose my family unit being that we had 3 kids.Sad but true.

At least now...I am not weeping after every time I have sex!



No partner arrived into a relationship with me knowing how to get me off. I had to show them. Those that didn't learn, didn't stick around as I am no longer willing to settle for less than I deserve.


"Deserve".Hmmm....not sure what I deserve.

I hear you.I have been "training him" for 5 years,but the fact remains I am beyond disappointed that I am in that 75%!~


As a very outspoken woman (you), how is it that you have been unable to get across to him how important it is that you are pleased as well during your sexual times together? That would be very difficult for me to live with short-term, let alone plan a "'til the end of time" kind of relationship.



IN the beginning,it was worse than it is now.He didn't inform me he had an aversion to oral for months.
I rarely got off with him so I asked him to at least use his fingers...please.
But for the most part,I'd rather have a body rub than get off as it's more fulfilling to me.
So I just stopped expecting him to get me off. I don't feel self important so I don't expect him to consider me important.

I have said it before,I am sexually codependant and have always been at a man's "disposal".

Not sure how to untrain my mind from that cycle.

Men have beat me down for 50 years.At this point,all I want is a friend who

doesn't use me,hurt me or belittle me.

He's that man for the most part.

Please try not to judge me....I know it will be hard for you.
 whippedboi
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 164
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/25/2014 4:20:06 PM

Lol it's my fault 95% of the men I have been
With weren't into giving oral sex? (



I'd only have had 4 out of 36 lovers who were into it!!


4 of 36 is more like a bit over 11% for the math-challenged
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 165
view profile
History
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/26/2014 8:37:13 AM
I’m going to jumble things up here for a second.

Please try not to judge me....I know it will be hard for you.

I’m going to ignore the fact you think I’m judgemental and just say flat out that I don’t judge people. How you interpret my words is how you interpret my words. I’m blunt and I tend to call things as I see them.


From now on,I will respond from that perspective because at times,I do take your imput personally and sometimes
defensively.Just know,it's not easy divulging my issues in public even if anonymously,knowing full well that not much will ever change, so complaining is pointless.

I don’t think anyone has ever said sharing painful issues is easy. There’s been a lot of compassion shown here, a lot of suggestions about how others have changed things in their life to improve things, and a lot of hurt feelings.


I couldn't agree more.Add that to the reality that he's financially dependant on me,yet spends his money on his bills and it's not easy to reconcile my situation.


Not to mention,if you find my choices a little odd,you probably wouldn't be surprised to know that I am supporting him financially to the point that it's as lopsided as our sex life has become.

Money issues is one of the harder things that couples deal with.


Thanks for that concession.I actually HATE my reality.I always thought if I found the RIGHT MAN,it would happen easily.I Have had to face facts that it's my mind and body that keep me from enjoying that type of sex.

Concession? This is your reality, my comment was not a concession. I’ve acknowledged it’s an issue for you, while sharing what I’ve done to change the same issue in my life.

My guy isn't very well endowed so that might also be part of the problem.
Define “not well endowed” because both my last partners were average or slightly under the average in size (5.5-6” length, both have been on the girthy side though). Oh, I’m not asking you to publicly put his measurements out there.. I don’t really care for the details. I’m just of the opinion that size can be worked with if both are willing to work with it.


Happiness is relative.But I hear what you are saying. Let's just say I'm not about to throw the baby out with the bath water......yet.I have been in one too many abusive relationships to risk losing the respect(or choosing a decent man with a broken picker) I have in this one to find a more fulfilling sex life I guess.And being that the "honeymoon stage" is over,and real life has taken us thru so many trials,it's not surprising to me that this is where I am.

I don’t think anyone is expecting you to walk away from a relationship that sounds like it has a good foundation to it. Sex is one thing that is easily worked on. If you don’t seem to be able to resolve it on your own by talking with him about it.. have you thought about getting some professional help? An outsider can sometimes be what is needed to help your words to be heard and absorbed.


We have come a long way in 5 years and have along way to go,but I did inform him that I needed him to instigate,focus on me,and persist in trying to get me off even though I can be limited in my own way.I about stopped mid-sex last night in utter frustration.He told me to relax and calm down we would find a way.I about burst into tears.

I feel numb.Never get myself off.Lack a sex drive to speak of.Feel depressed at times due to lifes circumstances and in some ways,am happy to be his "cold fish" in bed that he can do whatever he wants to and with as it takes the pressure off of me to get off as it's never easy for me and at the same time,enjoy his orgasms with him.Something about my lack of worth/importance haunts me of course to be in that mind set
.I attribute it to conditioning as a' sex slave' in my childhood and ultimately my marriage.I was never attracted to my husband sexually.Went 10 years without intimacy,but I blew him religiously as he threatened to cheat on me and I didn't want to lose my family unit being that we had 3 kids.Sad but true.

Please.. please, please, please.. go to counselling. Find a therapist that deals with issues of past domestic abuse and sexual trauma. Find someone that can help the two of you walk this path together so that you can both heal and move forward.


I don't feel self important so I don't expect him to consider me important.



I have said it before,I am sexually codependant and have always been at a man's "disposal".

Not sure how to untrain my mind from that cycle.

You should/could change this, and counselling/therapy can help. It’s easy for me to say that as an outsider to your relationship.


And that's what I hear in your posts.That you really don't respect me. I can understand why tho.

Whoa, hang on a second. Please do not confuse my intolerance for the situation as a lack of respect for the people involved. Totally not the case. I’m frustrated you are taking a lot of what is being offered and becoming defensive about it, especially considering you posted asking for help in how to deal with this issue.

I’ve been where you are, many times, for many different reasons. I’ve been the one asking for help. You have to be able to filter out the things that you know won’t work and dump it without getting defensive about those suggestions, and then just absorb and process the other things, applying and refining them to suit your needs. Ok, well that’s what I try and do anyway. You’re not me and you definitely do things differently than I or anyone else does. That’s not a dig in anyway, purely a statement of fact. We are all different from one another.

My “passion” if you will, for posting on this is that I know how it was for me before, and I know what I did to change things for me, and I know what it is like now… and I want YOU to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship that includes sex the way you would like it to be. That’s it.


I learned young to tolerate ALOT more than I ever should have from my relationships.Not easy to change my core being,dysfunctional as I may come across.I know my choices are my responsibility
.I am choosing to stay with a man who doesn't hurt me overtly.And believe me,where I live and who my choices were at the time he found me and pursued me relentlessly,I was DAMN LUCKY to have met someone with character and a conscience.I tend to run head long into sexy narcissists and sociopaths as a rule so this is a change for me!!!

My dad is not happy. He is resigned to live the rest of his life in a relationship that at its core is filled with love, respect, trust, friendship, but devoid of the intimacy that he wants because he feels he’s too old to start over. People make their choices based on what is important to them.

As I said earlier, your foundation is strong (based on your words here). Sometimes the building on top of the foundation needs a little renovation work. The room in your “house” that contains the sexual portion of your relationship might need a fresh coat of paint or a new floor or maybe a new window. You don’t condemn a whole house because one room is in need of repairs. While you are the general contractor to your life, the sub contractor might not have the same vision of what you want done as you do. They might be focused on doing cheap vinyl flooring and you want marble… or they might want marble and you can only afford laminate, maybe you want blue paint on the walls and all they can offer is red.


I hear you on all these trade offs.Sometimes I feel like I am settling then I remember how much pain my 24 year marriage caused me and am just trying to adjust to the differences and accept that I can't find exactly who and what I need.

I’m happy that this man has shown you kindness and love.


"Deserve".Hmmm....not sure what I deserve.

Happiness. Love (from within and without). Respect, for self and others. Friendship. Trust. Loyalty. Passion. Intimacy.


I hear you.I have been "training him" for 5 years,but the fact remains I am beyond disappointed that I am in that 75%!~

Well if that’s how you are, you need to learn to love and accept that with a clear heart and to enjoy the things you do have, whatever they may be. I’m disappointed I can’t lose weight, however, I’m also not actively doing anything about changing that, so I’m not losing weight as a result… because ultimately, I’m responsible for my inability to lose weight.

I didn’t know for a fact that when I started my journey 5+ years ago that anything could be changed with regards to my sexual performance. I do know that there were things I wanted to try, that I was open to changing things, that I was open to things not ever changing if that was what was going to happen, and I had a willing partner wiling to explore and accept whatever the outcome was.


IN the beginning,it was worse than it is now.He didn't inform me he had an aversion to oral for months.
I rarely got off with him so I asked him to at least use his fingers...please.
But for the most part,I'd rather have a body rub than get off as it's more fulfilling to me.
So I just stopped expecting him to get me off.

If you give up on the things that are important to you, no one else will care about them either.

There’s something about the use of the word “expect” here. It feels like you’re putting all the pressure and responsibility on him and not taking any at all for yourself… “if he doesn’t do it, why should I?” My partner is not expected to get me off, that is not his responsibility. No one else is responsible for that but me. There are times when I know I’m not going to get off, no matter what we do, it’s just not going to happen for me.


Men have beat me down for 50 years.At this point,all I want is a friend who

doesn't use me,hurt me or belittle me.

Yes.. it’s a good start. You deserve more.


He's that man for the most part.

As I said before, if the foundation is good and only one room needs some work, it isn’t necessary to condemn the whole building.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 166
view profile
History
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/26/2014 8:41:08 AM
I've only met one person who really, honestly, loved giving oral. He did it every time we had sex, except those "bend over the car" times :).

Others, it was just occasionally or mostly in the beginning of the relationship. I will say I'm not a big fan of receiving oral sex, though I do like it of course.

I think, IME, 10% who do it willingly (want to) and enjoy is in an accurate number IME, but of course, I can't speak for those other (lucky) few whose partners are "into it" on a consistent bases.

Just having to "ask" for what you want doesn't feel right to me. Guiding, responding to "teach", I think, is more what people do? Of course, if it's an issue, and guiding doesn't help, you have to talk and ask.

Perhaps my early experiences weren't the best. I remember in my early 20's, having a lover who wasn't exactly selfish, but his idea of sex was me giving him oral and us having sex, I tried something I heard on on talk show (probably Oparah) and put an X everywhere on my body I wanted him to kiss or caress. He was with me and knew what it was about. I handed him the marker and he put a giant X on his penis and handed it back (lol). All I was left with was a bunch of X' s to wash off!

I've grown since then, thanks to a freak-loving boyfriend in my late 20's who was "secure in his sexuality", which made me more so and gave me the chance to take the lead and be selfish in my desires when I wanted to. In general, though, IME, women HAVE to be proactive in slowing it down and engaging their partner in foreplay, because IME, if you don't, except for the rare times he 'wants' to make love, it's going to be get it and get on with the day (in a LTR).

No one want to feel 'obligated' or think their partner feels "obligated' (except in D/s play), so the only solution I know and have used it to set the tone of the session, guide and show what you want.

Oh ... and lay back and enjoy a bit if he takes over and wants to please you. If he feels he IS pleasing you he might like to do it more because he enjoys seeing you pleased? Nothing wrong with taking once in a while. It really IS ok just to enjoy the sensations without having an orgasm from that specifically :)

I have no idea how to change it (hearton), but as long as any part of 'him' is a part of "them" in your mind you are victimizing yourself over and over and the issues and anger revolving around that will carry through.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 167
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/26/2014 8:43:20 AM

I have said it before,I am sexually codependant and have always been at a man's "disposal".

Not sure how to untrain my mind from that cycle.

Men have beat me down for 50 years.At this point,all I want is a friend who

doesn't use me,hurt me or belittle me.

He's that man for the most part.


This has become a place of familiarity, of comfort by knowing the outcome, and even though you may not admit pleasure. The problem as you said, is that it does not complete that sense of pleasure that is YOU. Inner YOU. Yet, I do not think you have developed the attitude or ability to train your man. Yes, train your man. And, let me tell you one thing. ALL MEN are trainable, particularly those men with a high libido. All you have to do is take their drug away (your ****), and they will hop and do whatever you want.

The difficulty is communicating this to your guy without sounding like you are b it ching, or from an angle of frustration. So try this one exercise. Instead of doing the usual session where he pleases himself and be done. Have him watch you masturbate. And your job is to take it to orgasm. After you orgasm, then you can do or he can do whatever it is you usually do to get him to orgasm.

Even though you sound frustrated, I don't believe you have completely given up because otherwise you would not talk about it to such detail here in the forums. But unfortunately, it seems that you are 98% convinced that there's no solution, no answer, and there is. Unfortunately the answers about your partner are not going to happen from him at all. Why should he? He is in the comfort zone, there's no motivation for change. They have to come from you.

The more frustrated you get, the more then that the sex is going to be a sore point and even stop. So it's to his own benefit as well and to his interest that you two find a solution. But also, you may need to understand your own self better. That your submissive nature is also something good, that is part of your make up. But also, each partner cannot please the other in the same way. Each has their way.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 168
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/30/2014 4:27:32 AM

4 of 36 is more like a bit over 11% for the math-challenged


So grateful for that knowledge.

As for seeing all men I have sex with as my abuser
That's not the issue at all. I simply know I was forever
Altered and who I am and how I have sex
Are tied into patterns I don't blame myself for
And enjoy sex in a different way than others might.

As for my honesty about my past and present
I was simply expressing why I figure I have sex
The way I do. I am much more of a giver than a receiver
I don't come very easily and only in certain ways.
Not having had the chance to be able to come
Via penetration alone has forced me to find alternatives.

I have also spent years all toll in therapy and
Know no matter what I endured and how
It changed me I'm farther along in my healing
Than some and not as far as others.

Recently I have had to face and deal with the
Sexual abuse if my SO's 9 year old daughter.
She was molested from age 3-9 and it was something
I could see happening based on signs but couldn't
Get her mother to face!!! So it continued because
The child was afraid to tell.



So today happens to be the pedophile stepfathers
Day in court. He is taking a plea bargain
And virtually getting off Scott free and it's
All been very triggering for me.

I know I am loved and that I am in love
And sex is but one aspect of our relationship.
I am fully capable of asking for what I want
It's just that I am not in the mood as I was during
The honeymoon stage let alone as I age and
Deal with some serious head trips in my life.

I am more that content being the object of
A mans desire and consent to being enjoyed as
Such.
Maybe one day when I am desperately horny
I will expect more but for now I will engage sexually
Without dire need to come.

Thanks to those who responded.
I appreciate your help and insight!

XOXO
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 169
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/30/2014 12:42:21 PM

I am more that content being the object of
A mans desire and consent to being enjoyed as
Such.
Maybe one day when I am desperately horny
I will expect more but for now I will engage sexually
Without dire need to come.


This is a beautifully profound realization and in a way as enriching as the sex itself. You are being coveted and desired deeply by a man. You may not orgasm, but more than likely you like the interaction and appreciate the exchange of attention, what you aport to his needs, what he provides to your needs.

I guess I am in the early stages of a relationship in which we literally have sex at least 5 times a day. That is two to three times at night, to then two to three times in the morning. Some mornings because I have to of course go to work is just a quickie. She does not orgasm all the time, but she still wants to do it over and over. Over the weekend she had a huge, huge vaginal orgasm. And when we talked about it the next day, it was because we shifted the focus from penetration to kissing while fvcking. It simply sent her over the edge.

So enjoy what you have with your guy, particularly since you two seem to be growing immensely in other non-sexual, yet spiritual ways.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 170
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 6/30/2014 2:46:12 PM

This is a beautifully profound realization and in a way as enriching as the sex itself. You are being coveted and desired deeply by a man. You may not orgasm, but more than likely you like the interaction and appreciate the exchange of attention, what you aport to his needs, what he provides to your needs.So enjoy what you have with your guy, particularly since you two seem to be growing immensely in other non-sexual, yet spiritual ways.


Exactly.Thing is,we are 5 years in so I can't expect it to feel new like you do right now!
And from the time I first had consentual sex as a teen I was always turned on by a guy who was turned onto me.
So just because I'm not 100% in the mood,and harder to please,I would never begrudge him his orgasm!



I guess I am in the early stages of a relationship in which we literally have sex at least 5 times a day. That is two to three times at night, to then two to three times in the morning. Some mornings because I have to of course go to work is just a quickie. She does not orgasm all the time, but she still wants to do it over and over. Over the weekend she had a huge, huge vaginal orgasm. And when we talked about it the next day, it was because we shifted the focus from penetration to kissing while fvcking. It simply sent her over the edge.


Enjoy that honeymoon stage is all I can say!~
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 171
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 7/1/2014 3:47:28 AM
Came twice last night!

Thankfully we have my anatomy and rolls
Down pat enough for me to enjoy sex
Once all that pointless thrusting stops!

Does anyone know if a tilted uterus would
Change the placement of a woman's g-spot?

Mine feels virtually out of reach of anything
Shy if very bent fingers.

Also is it possible that because I was raped
As an 8 year old my vagina was "shut off"
To penetration?

I once read that my (and most victims) physiology was altered
To the point that there was a disconnect
Both psychologically and physiologically
Due to sexual abuse over a long period of time.

One of the long term effects is sexual dysfunction.

Interestingly I have contact-free orgasms
In my sleep that are beyond intense and
Seem to correlate with me going without
Orgasm for weeks.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 172
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 7/1/2014 7:01:23 AM
Also is it possible that because I was raped
As an 8 year old my vagina was "shut off"
To penetration?


It is possible and it is also possible that you are simply with the majority of women who cannot achieve orgasms from penetration alone. Only 25-30% 0f women have that luxury and even for that 30%, it doesn't always work. (some days wish I was one of them, the rest of the time, I am happy with who I am).

When I was younger, I thought I was seriously broken because I couldn't. I didn't know that it was normal. Luckily most men I have been with were into making sure I came before (or after) they had their turn.


I once read that my (and most victims) physiology was altered
To the point that there was a disconnect
Both psychologically and physiologically
Due to sexual abuse over a long period of time.

One of the long term effects is sexual dysfunction.


I suspect that may be more psychological than physical. The mind is a powerful tool and it seems to have a very strong influence on the physical aspects of our being. Just think of biofeedback, breathing and calming exercises for women in labour, the stories of children recovery from cancer because they imagine blowing the tumour away bit by bit. Also remember the things that emotional stress can do to the body.


Interestingly I have contact-free orgasms
In my sleep that are beyond intense and
Seem to correlate with me going without
Orgasm for weeks.


I have had those too! Odd to wake up in that state, but pleasant.


I know what gets me off,and it will never be penetration alone.
If my lover knows this and doesn't do what it takes to get me off,why shouldn't I lay it on him?

I can rub one out during penetration,but it's a MUCH better orgasm when he makes the effort which in my case is rarely.

The above speaks volumes and I agree with you 100% on this statement.

Hearton, in some ways you are very accepting of where life has lead you sexually and yet at other times, you seem incredibly angry and frustrated by it all. The best advice that I can give is to talk to him, tell him how frustrated you are by the fact that your sexual relationship is one-sided (and yes it is), tell him how it makes you feel, and tell him again and again and again.



I am choosing to stay with a man who doesn't hurt me overtly.And believe me,where I live and who my choices were at the time he found me and pursued me relentlessly,I was DAMN LUCKY to have met someone with character and a conscience.I tend to run head long into sexy narcissists and sociopaths as a rule so this is a change for me!!!



Men have beat me down for 50 years.At this point,all I want is a friend who

doesn't use me,hurt me or belittle me.

He's that man for the most part.

Please try not to judge me....I know it will be hard for you.


I get that you love this guy with all your heart and he makes you happy, but my worry for you is that
some day it will start to feel like you simply settled. I have read your posts and they are sad. I once had a friend who was with a guy who put her down all the time, I challenged her on staying with him and her answer was "at least he doesn't hit me." That is what it sounds like with you; to me the guy you are with is thoughtless and uncaring but you statement of he doesn't use, hurt or belittle me sounds like settling, sounds like you think that you don't deserve more. YOU DO, you deserve it all!
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 173
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 7/1/2014 8:41:40 AM

Came twice last night!


Holly s h it!! That is awesome. What happened? What was different? What worked for you?

Some of the more intense orgasms that my girl have had were in the slow down stage of an intense session and I was slowing down, trying to catch my breath and I held her very tight to me and slowly went in and out of her.

What worked for you?
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 174
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 7/1/2014 10:43:49 AM

Some of the more intense orgasms that my girl have had were in the slow down stage of an intense session and I was slowing down, trying to catch my breath and I held her very tight to me and slowly went in and out of her.

That works all the time, if you're into it. :-P
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 175
Orgasms from penetration alone
Posted: 7/2/2014 7:44:23 AM
Holly s h it!! That is awesome. What happened? What was different? What worked for you?
What worked for you?


What always works if he wants to please me first
And I'm in the mood. His fingers inside me
And mine rubbing my clit.
It's not that I can't or don't come.
It's how and how rarely.
He ALWAYS comes, I rarely unless
I'm virtually scentless far from my period
And the stars are aligned perfectly does
He even consider going down on me
And even then.....in 5 years I could count
Those occasions on 2 hands.

I don't demand oral because there is nothing
Worse than a man doing anything begrudgingly
So I wait because when it does happen it's awesome.

And Hamilton I can't help but think it stems
From a disconnect that occurs in children when
They have intercourse at a crucial developmental
Stage in our bodies . Doctors dont claim it's a long
Term effect for nothing.

But either way ....I'm in that 75%.

But at least I'm not anorgasmic!!!
Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Orgasms from penetration alone