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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > My journey from being a "Nice Guy"      Home login  
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 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 51
My journey from being a Nice GuyPage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
No matter what women "say" the first guy gets friend zoned and the second gets laid. It isn't about being mean. It is about being a man and taking charge of things.


Agree 100 percent with this statement.


Listen, a nice guy can take charge, a nice guy can be confident, a nice guy can be what a woman considers hot. The difference is their attitude towards other people. This is what none of you seem to be capable of comprehending.


Bottom line is this. Do you get laid or do you get Friend zoned?


I can be as passive as your description of the nice guy, and then beat the crap out of the girl when we get home later that night. I can also be your descpription of the other guy while actually giving her a choice if she wants to go out.


Wow. I call this passive aggressive. One of the other traits of many so called nice guys. I prefer to speak up at the beginning, and let the chips fall where they may.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 52
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:55:28 AM

Wow. I call this passive aggressive. One of the other traits of many so called nice guys. I prefer to speak up at the beginning, and let the chips fall where they may.


I think you missed the point. I was saying that the guy who fits that perfect descrption of the pushover who doesn't know how to take charge, can be the jerk that beats women.

The point was to stop assuming entire personalities based on whether or not they're nice to other people.

And to answer your second one... I get laid. Like I said, you can be nice and know how to be confident and take control. Being nice has NOTHING to do with your confidence and stuff like that. It's only how you treat other people.

Saying nice people aren't capable of being attractive to a girl is like saying black people are uneducated, or women are useless in the workplace,or jews are the cause of all the evil in the world. You're targeting a group of people and making entire assumptions based on something completely unrelated. Why are 3 of those things wrong to think, but the one about nice guys is perfectly fine?
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 53
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/25/2013 9:16:54 AM
rockstar_ocnj -

You are wasting you time; these people aren't going to lose their prejudices and wrong assumptions. They are going to continue making people like me feel like crap so that they can feel superior, and when they have kicked people like me often and hard enough for these people like me to lash out, they point and say "see, we were right!"
 Oakphoenix
Joined: 1/17/2013
Msg: 54
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My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/25/2013 9:46:05 AM
People stereotype the term nice guy to mean many different things to them, and as such, not everyone has the same definition, but how they view the situation and the term gives others a general idea of how they view that term.

Instead of using the term nice guy why not use other words to describe people, for instance, the OP was a guy who seemed like he tried to appease others by trying to accommodate himself to be the type of person that others were seeking instead of being the person that made himself most happy. He realized that to be happy with himself and with others is to seek his own self-improvement and self-happiness before he could be happy around others.

In other words, he went from being a dependent, passive person who didn’t like the situation he was in to a more independent, assertive person who became happier with how he wanted to improve himself. All it really takes is to stop looking towards the world for why it isn’t working and look towards yourself of how you can make your life more enjoyable.
 StrykinOut
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 55
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/25/2013 9:58:37 AM
There is a difference between being nice and being milquetoast. There is also a difference between being nice and being manipulative.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 56
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:42:14 AM

I was saying that the guy who fits that perfect descrption of the pushover who doesn't know how to take charge, can be the jerk that beats women.

Who cares? That's a random walk WAY off the path of logic. In the examples I gave, both of them could be anything. We are talking about the way they ACT in dating/relationships.

Get with the program.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 57
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:53:57 AM
that's why you said the nice guy was the one that was the pushover....
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 58
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/25/2013 5:06:51 PM

Saying nice people aren't capable of being attractive to a girl is like saying black people are uneducated, or women are useless in the workplace,or jews are the cause of all the evil in the world. You're targeting a group of people and making entire assumptions based on something completely unrelated. Why are 3 of those things wrong to think, but the one about nice guys is perfectly fine?


You missed the part where he said the "so-called nice guy" You are the one who is missing the point. We keep putting "nice guy" in quotes or qualifyiing it because most of these "s0-called nice guy" are really not all that nice. And every time one of you "nice guys" lashes out and makes comments about women in general etc, it just proves the point. I don't care who you are, the self-proclaimed nice guys rarely are. They are passive-aggresive jerks who refused to take responsibility for their own lives. They would rather blame their failures on everyone else, because we all know that "no one chooses the nice guy". Wrong lots of us do chose the nice guy, but the genuinely nice guy, not the passive aggressive whiner who calls himself a nice guy.
 Beatlesnerd
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 59
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My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/26/2013 12:32:17 AM
Well stated. I used "nice guy" in quotes because I wasn't a nice guy at all. I manipulated people and most importantly myself. I lived to please and put other's needs, especially women, before my own. For those of the "nice guys" getting angry about this thread, honestly, take a look at yourself. Is everything you are doing genuine or is it because you hope to use the other person?

You can tell the "nice guys" in this thread that instantly jump to a straw man argument. You know who you are. Just because I'm not a "nice guy" anymore doesn't mean I turned into an arrogant prick. Realistically, it's a minor yet difficult change in attitude.

A "nice guy" may very well be attractive to certain women, though, you need to realize just what kind of person you are probably going to attract. The most blatantly obvious would be a "user." What easier prey than a "nice guy" just waiting to dote on her hand and foot? And you come running because, look, there's a princess that needs help. Then, when she burns you up, leaves you high and dry, you can fall back on the, "I treated her so well, I just don't understand what happened?" I know, I've been there! Now imagine you were more assertive, you called her out on her bullshit, you didn't put up with it. How fast would you realize that a woman like that is not for you?

I understand it is tough to put yourself out there, the fear of rejection amongst friends let alone the opposite sex is a giant leap. Though, if you can do it, I assure you that you will see just what being a "nice guy" has done to your social, family, and professional life.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 60
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/26/2013 7:55:45 AM
@beatlesnerd

Manipulative users don't normally seek out or attract manipulative users - they seek out victims.

In answer to your first question, everything I do is genuine; I have never sought to use another person in all of my life, due mostly to the fact that most others have used me. Despite my now miserable view of the world, I still feel compelled to do genuinely nice things for others. I still hold doors open for those around me, and I recently helped a friend of my buddy's father with her new laptop - while there I noticed that her old computer needed more memory which I happened to have laying around and happily gave to her (there was no expectation of any kind; yes, she was in her 80's but still this is something I would have just done). I pride myself on being a nice guy, but I sure am fed up with the rotten treatment I get as a result.

Another passing thought since I just looked at the "when should a man pay" thread. You mention being more assertive and calling others on their BS. Let's apply this to the other thread where many women state that men should always pay - these women have an agenda and entitlement. When called on their BS, the men are deemed cheap and not a gentlemen, and the ever popular whiner. There is a terrific result of being assertive - the same BS as being labelled the "nice guy". I really like the one guy's question in the other thread - can anyone give a good reason for a man to pay both his and her bills?
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 62
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/27/2013 9:05:53 AM

Another passing thought since I just looked at the "when should a man pay" thread. You mention being more assertive and calling others on their BS. Let's apply this to the other thread where many women state that men should always pay - these women have an agenda and entitlement. When called on their BS, the men are deemed cheap and not a gentlemen, and the ever popular whiner. There is a terrific result of being assertive - the same BS as being labelled the "nice guy". I really like the one guy's question in the other thread - can anyone give a good reason for a man to pay both his and her bills?


Welcome to the internet. There's just way too many people. And most people only post on threads that they have something to say, typically in agreement with the discussion. So what you're going to see is the posts favoring men ALWAYS pay, if you say you're nice you're really a jerk, women only want guys with "an edge", if you don't live alone, you're undatable. Offline, that's not true, none of it. You ever see the girl that looks like a supermodel with the huge fat guy? Or the timid pacifist get married? As much as it shouldn't be, it's a different world offline. Don't take these forums as fact, at all. Every post is only one persons opinion.
 Leib ben Yitshak
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 63
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My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/27/2013 10:02:55 AM
Hi Helen,
After reading three pages of posts, my arrogance got the best of me.
My goal in life is not to be a nice guy, however that is measured. My goal in life is to be the person my dog thinks I am.
Leib
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 64
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/27/2013 10:20:45 AM

I pride myself on being a nice guy, but I sure am fed up with the rotten treatment I get as a result.


This proves my point. Why be a nice guy and live life "fed up". I live life and do good deeds, but I do not put up with crap from anybody. NOt a woman, not my boss. Even though I have been in relationships where I have felt Used. I ended them. I took control. I give, I help, I live with compassion. But I am also an intense, slightly arrogant sun-a-b itch, with no apologies about it. Consequently, I do not feel like I am a victim, or feel used, or think the world is a miserable place. The world IS what I make it. If I do not like something, I change it, remove, or accept it as is. The world is a fvcking awesome place.

The difference between the "nice guy" and the rest is that if I do not like something, I say it and I am willing to accept that others may think of my opinion as bad. I accept those outcomes because I say what I say, walk the walk not to seek approval but because I live by principle. And fvck the rest.
 ForumFiona
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 65
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/27/2013 11:01:57 AM
The term nice to me is so generic and unappealing...like pizza without toppings or the mystery meat you get in a can...
If I hear that someone gives their time to volunteer, I immediately think that person is willing to give themselves to service others. If I hear a person donates money or valuables to help others in need, then I immediately think they are generous...and on it goes etc. etc. Nice does not enter my head.
Nice is what you assign to a pair of shoes or a well behaved pet. If someone told me they were nice, I'd be asking them "nice and what exactly...?"
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 66
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My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/27/2013 11:06:48 AM
The word nice has too many negative connotations associated with the cultures that are english speaking. Can't change how others perceive and use the word honestly.

The last time being nice paid off was in 2nd grade where I helped my crush Kaite find her glasses and she gave me a kiss haha.

I also agree that nice is a generic self description of ones self but that only applies in the cultures that are english speaking. Labeling yourself as nice does not carry such a negative stigma in other cultures though and is a very attractive trait. But most women will 100% time assume you are a doormat if you label yourself as nice though in the U.S. for example. Sad but true.
 ItsNotATumaaa
Joined: 9/5/2012
Msg: 67
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/27/2013 11:19:24 AM
It sounds like you're trying to sell something sir.

I realized back in high school that when a girl says she wants a nice guy she only wants a guy who she's normally attracted to, simply one who worships her.

Never worship a woman. They don't deserve. Kudos to you.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 68
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My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/27/2013 11:41:31 AM
Some American women perceive nice guys as boring and not exciting enough, news at 11 haha.
 Oakphoenix
Joined: 1/17/2013
Msg: 69
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My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/27/2013 2:12:40 PM
Nice guys don’t have to always agree and can even argue and still be who they are, if someone thinks that you are a nice guy and just a nice guy then that is their opinion and the only thing you’ve shown them or that they understood about you. Only you can define who you are and what you let people know about you.

Every situation is what you make of it. If your expectations are to get something in return for you doing something, then you may be disappointed when you don’t get what you were looking for. Instead, do things that you enjoy because you enjoy it.

OutMind has the right idea, do things because of who you are, don’t seek the approval of others, and shape your life into something you enjoy.
 Deepseaceecee
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 70
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/27/2013 2:47:35 PM
I agree with cobaltism. Nice guy is not the right word. Just a woos and a wimp. Women dont respect that and walk all over it. You finally got wise.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 71
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/27/2013 5:19:23 PM

(Msg #1. Beatlesnerd) I know this is long but I wanted to give power to all those "Nice Guys" out there that you too can make a change. You can stop trying to please everyone around you and can please yourself. You can gain confidence, respect, and admiration without being everyone's emotional dumping ground. Stand up for yourself, what you believe in, and take control of your life.


Good advise, HOWEVER, there are risks.

(Excerpt) Racquel Gonzalez, 24, has been arrested for allegedly assaulting her boyfriend, 30-year-old Esric Davis, when he had an orgasm and she did not, according to a police report obtained by the Smoking Gun.

The Manatee County, Fla. couple were having sex on Monday afternoon, Davis told deputies, and after he climaxed, Gonzalez got angry and started scratching and hitting him. (End)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/27/racquel-gonzalez-esric-davis-orgasm-assault-sex_n_2200096.html
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/attack-over-bad-sex-785623

Just saying.
 ArticLife
Joined: 2/25/2010
Msg: 72
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My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/28/2013 12:01:12 PM
"Nice guy" is inaccurate. You can be a good, caring, and nice guy while not being a lazy, boring pushover. While being the life of the party is obviously beneficial, it's not necessary either. You don't have to let all your thoughts out, just have confidence in what you do end up saying. Think about what you want to say before saying it.

Of course taking care of your image, your health, your scent, those are all givens that seem to be missed by many. And they are not exclusively for dating. Smelling good, being healthy, having clothes that fit you that you love wearing, all of that stuff makes you feel better about you in general. It's not about anyone else.
 shine1274
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 73
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/28/2013 12:27:47 PM
Good guy, bad guy, how about we just be men? Stand up for what you believe, fight for what you love, be defined by your responsibility, and fu@k like you never will again. Pretty simple.
 JSBL1967
Joined: 2/22/2013
Msg: 74
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/31/2013 8:00:02 AM
NICE GUY is too much a broad brush statement.

You can be a good person, do good things, do awesome things for the person you care about, but you dont have to be a pushover. Their is always room for flexibility, discussion, saying "yes" and defintely saying "hell no."


I think it takes a lot of confidence to say "yes" sometimes.
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