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Joined: 7/7/2012
Msg: 26
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best joke of the weekPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I think my
Local priest is on crack
He recons
Letters pray
Joined: 7/7/2012
Msg: 27
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best joke of the week
Posted: 1/20/2015 5:52:58 PM
Some sad news from Australia
The inventor of the boomerang grenade
Died today
Joined: 7/7/2012
Msg: 28
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best joke of the week
Posted: 1/20/2015 6:01:27 PM
I wish people wouldnt put
Dartboards on the ceiling
They make me want to throw up
Joined: 7/7/2012
Msg: 29
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best joke of the week
Posted: 1/20/2015 6:07:19 PM
I caught my wife
With another man last night
We're a trapeze act
Joined: 9/29/2014
Msg: 30
best joke of the week
Posted: 1/21/2015 8:43:10 AM
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a
checkup and the doctor was amazed at what
good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your
good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and
that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well
before daylight and out chasing turkeys up
and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but
there's got to be more to it. How old was your
dad when he died?"

The old timer said, " Who said my dad 's dead? "

The doctor said, " You mean you 're 80 years old
and your dad ' s still alive? How old is he?

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in
fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning,
and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm
sure there' s more to it. How about your dad's
dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said,"You mean you're 80 years old
and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said,"He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point
and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with
you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go
this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why
would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, " Who said he wanted to?
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 31
best joke of the week
Posted: 3/7/2015 7:30:55 AM
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."
Joined: 4/25/2012
Msg: 32
best joke of the week
Posted: 3/7/2015 5:23:21 PM
What's meaner than a Pitbull with AIDS?

The guy who gave it to him, , ,
Joined: 5/28/2015
Msg: 33
best joke of the week
Posted: 7/9/2015 9:11:52 PM
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban,
beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jack woke up to find himself
next to a really ugly woman. ...That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics afte
they tested positive for WD40.

4. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?’
Granny replies, forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or
my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

6. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night,
and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, ...or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to
commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, …I’ll soldier on!"

10. I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

11. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night,
and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

12. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

13. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you
a slow and painful death, you **stard!" "Oh," I replied, "...So now you want me to stay!"

Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 34
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best joke of the week
Posted: 7/25/2015 9:03:02 AM
I know that these are just jokes, but the historian in me makes me blanch when they contain big inaccuracies. If nothing else, it spoils the joke completely.

I'm referring to number one. The inclusion of "a turban" is an error. Turbans are Hindu, not Islamic or Arabic.
Joined: 6/21/2015
Msg: 35
best joke of the week
Posted: 7/27/2015 8:52:07 AM
It was just a joke..
Chill out for Jesus sake!
Joined: 6/24/2015
Msg: 36
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best joke of the week
Posted: 8/1/2015 6:44:28 AM
Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St Peter outside the Pearly Gates and just through the railings, they can see a giant car park, as far as the eye can see full of all manner of vehicles. St Peter speaks...

"I shall ask you each a question, and i shall know the truth. If you answer honestly, you shall receive a vehicle of your worthyness to drive around in heaven for ever - cloud tax free.

He turns to the first man and asks his question. "Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?"
The first man puffs up his chest and confidently states; "I've been married for 45 years, and no, I've never been unfaithful to my beautiful wife".

A brand new, gleaming Rolls Royce pulls up out of nowhere. "Here, you may enter Heaven with this. Well done".
The man is overjoyed and it's the car of his dreams. He jumps into the elegant car and drives off.

St Peter turns to the next man. "Same question... Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?"

The man thinks for a moment before saying... "Well, I've been married for 20 years... but I've been unfaithful twice in that time and i regret letting down my love."
"Mmmm" Says St Peter. "You were wise to tell the truth about your moments of weakness."
From nowhere a new Ford Fiesta pulls up and the man is greatful to St Peter as he jumps in and drives off.

He turns to the last man with the same question: "Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?"
The man sniffs before saying; "Well, I was married for 2 years to that old bint and i was unfaithful every weekend... sometimes in between!"
"Oh!" Says St Peter. "Well... at least you told the truth, but I am not impressed."
From nowhere a beat up old scooter drops out of the air and falls over on its side with a pitiful beep of its horn. St Peter says; "This is all i can offer you".

The man shrugs, picks up the scooter and after several attempts to kick start the motor, is on his way through the clouded streets. He heads towoards the big tower in the middle of Heaven, bypassing the entire car park, intent on enjoying his time here when he pulls up to a set of lights at a crossroads and right next to the gleaming new Rolls Royce given to the 1st man earlier.

Looking through the open window, he sees the man slumped over his steering wheel, crying his eyes out in an uncontrolable sobbing fit. "What's wrong with you mate?" says the man on the scooter. "You got a gorgious Roller and all I got was this heap of junk that's making my balls sore".

"I know," replies the 1st man, "But i've just seen my wife go past on a pair of roller skates!"
Joined: 6/24/2015
Msg: 37
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best joke of the week
Posted: 8/4/2015 1:28:41 PM
Not quite a joke but...

Don't you just love it when someone calles themselves a massive Arsenal fan (fyi - English Football team) and the site thinks it's swearing so it stars out the 'rse'. So now it looks like they're a "massive Anal fan."
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 38
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best joke of the week
Posted: 8/12/2015 7:31:23 PM
Marcus Pinkus, a tailor of questionable reputation, sold a couple of nuns some new habits. They said "it's very important that they're black. Very dark grey or navy won't work." Marcus assured them that they were the purest black they would find.

They were talking on the way back to the convent. They saw a rabbi and one of them said "rabbis wear black. Follow my lead and we can check our habits." One of them asked him if he had the time. When he brought up his arm to check his watch they discretely held their arms next to his. They looked at each other, shouted something, and ran off.

About that time the rabbi's friend came along and said "what was all that about?" The rabbi said "something important must be going on in their church. They asked me for the time, then gave me a blessing in Latin that was the most exuberant one I've ever heard before running off."

"Really? What was the blessing?" The rabbi said "Marcus Pinkus Fuctus."
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 39
best joke of the week
Posted: 8/15/2015 7:09:51 PM
There were two friends talking, one friend noticed the other had both his ears burned, he asked," how did you burn your ears"? The friend said," I was ironing one day and the phone rang, and I picked up the iron by mistake." Well, his friend said that explains how you burned one of your ears, but what happened to the other? The ***hole decided to call back!
Joined: 6/24/2015
Msg: 40
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best joke of the week
Posted: 8/17/2015 10:10:47 AM
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says: "...Does this taste funny to you?"
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 41
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best joke of the week
Posted: 9/2/2015 8:38:44 PM
How about all these commercials that say " these are real people and not actors"? Actors are real people too.
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 42
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best joke of the week
Posted: 9/2/2015 8:53:13 PM
A guy I was talking to on the phone said he was in the mood for a threesome. I told hime to go use both hands on himself. Everytime I called this other guy, he always said , he was " in the middle of something" . Eventually he sent me a picture of his penis in his hand. Now I know what he was in the middle of when I called. This is all true. Another time I talked to this same guy, he said, in response he has no time to meet because he is working 60 hours a week and added," you can see I have my hands full". I have already seen that fact. This same guy also said "it is cheaper to take his hand out than a girl"
These are all real people and not actors.
Joined: 10/5/2015
Msg: 43
best joke of the week
Posted: 10/22/2015 9:54:22 AM
Here's a stupid funny one....
Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if
they flew over the bay they'd be called bagels
Joined: 8/29/2015
Msg: 44
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best joke of the week
Posted: 10/25/2015 2:56:58 PM
Having made a big one this week, I thought this was appropos:

I hate making spelling errors in a post,
mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.....
Joined: 11/29/2015
Msg: 45
best joke of the week
Posted: 12/12/2015 2:08:05 PM
Q.- What does a chameleon have that cannot change colors?
A.- Reptile dysfunction.

Q.- How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A.- A buck an ear.
Joined: 9/19/2015
Msg: 46
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best joke of the week
Posted: 2/19/2016 12:19:01 PM

Here's a stupid funny one....
Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if
they flew over the bay they'd be called bagels

Haha! I genuinely laughed out loud at that one! Here's one I like:

Why were the baker's hands brown?

- Because he kneaded a poo!
Joined: 7/7/2012
Msg: 47
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best joke of the week
Posted: 2/28/2016 2:06:29 PM
How do you make gold soup

Put 9 carrots in it
Joined: 9/19/2015
Msg: 49
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best joke of the week
Posted: 5/11/2016 10:15:15 AM
Why is Morrissey’s electric bill always so high?

Because …

… there is a light that never goes out.
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 50
best joke of the week
Posted: 5/13/2016 11:21:37 AM
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler,
one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful
on a hot summer evening"?

The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister,
but I would not feel comfortable buying beer,
since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand".

"I can handle that without a problem", the first nun replied,
and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face
when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the first nun said,
"back at The Nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo".

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter,
pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "The curlers are on the house".
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