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 chewingbit
Joined: 7/24/2016
Msg: 51
best joke of the weekPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Gawd I hate this joke...

A middle aged woman decides it's time to spice up her sex life, so she decides to surprise her husband. After he gets home from work, she strips down naked, dawns a red cape, runs in the room, jumps in front of the TV and yells "Super-****!"
After thinking about it for a second, her husband replies "Well, I think I'll have the soup."
 diaboloacetin
Joined: 12/20/2014
Msg: 52
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best joke of the week
Posted: 8/18/2016 4:59:52 PM
Lol.

Ok, not mine but so dumb they're funny:

What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.

A toothless termite walks into a bar and says:
Is the bar tender here?

And this one is dumb on sooo many levels:
What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.

Rimshot please.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 53
best joke of the week
Posted: 8/24/2016 1:31:58 PM
What did the banana say to the vibrator?

I don't know why YOU'RE shaking. I'm the one that's gonna get eaten~

;-)
 diaboloacetin
Joined: 12/20/2014
Msg: 54
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best joke of the week
Posted: 8/25/2016 5:25:39 PM
Lol good one. I actually felt like a banana today.

Ok, a bit of intellectual humor. So, how would famous intellectuals answer the age old question, why did the chicken cross the road?

Well, check out their answers here:
https://www.physics.harvard.edu/academics/undergrad/chickenroad
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 55
best joke of the week
Posted: 8/26/2016 8:34:27 AM

the age old question, why did the chicken cross the road?


Silly, everyone knows the chicken crossed the road to show his friend the raccoon 'how'~

;-)
 diaboloacetin
Joined: 12/20/2014
Msg: 56
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best joke of the week
Posted: 8/26/2016 5:46:51 PM
That's what the raccoon said. I never trust anyone that wears a mask. ;-)

ok another chicken joke, or rather chicken choke:

Why did the turtle cross the road? Because he was stapled to the back of the chicken.
 diaboloacetin
Joined: 12/20/2014
Msg: 57
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best joke of the week
Posted: 8/26/2016 6:01:46 PM
Ok my actual contribution, an oldie but still funny.

There's a bar on top of a really, really high building and it's very windy outside, so it is swaying back and forth.

A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours.

Another guy comes and sits next to him.

The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, "You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in."

The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in.

The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar.

At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.

The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, your an ***hole when your drunk!!"
 cujoandme
Joined: 8/14/2016
Msg: 58
best joke of the week
Posted: 8/28/2016 8:01:38 AM
I often ask people who their favorite standup comedians are,
I find this very telling of their personality.

Who are your fav comedians?
 WhereforeAndWhyNot
Joined: 1/26/2016
Msg: 59
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best joke of the week
Posted: 8/29/2016 5:10:16 AM
^

Too many to count!

But all-time fav would have to be George Carlin. the word-master hisself....
 007nicknack
Joined: 8/22/2016
Msg: 60
best joke of the week
Posted: 8/29/2016 9:54:32 AM
I'd have to agree with George Carlin
Another would be Dennis Miller
 holby
Joined: 7/7/2012
Msg: 61
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best joke of the week
Posted: 8/29/2016 4:40:19 PM
THE WIFE JUST FOUND OUT

I REPLACED OUR BED WITH A TRAMPOLINE

SHE HIT THE ROOF
 007nicknack
Joined: 8/22/2016
Msg: 62
best joke of the week
Posted: 8/29/2016 4:51:30 PM
I found this the other day -

"You can tell how smart people are by what they hey laugh at." Tina Fey

Very true.
 diaboloacetin
Joined: 12/20/2014
Msg: 63
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inappropriate jokes of the week
Posted: 9/2/2016 5:46:25 PM
What do you call a 90 year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where the naughty girls live.

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.

What did the penis say to tne condom?
Cover me I'm going in!

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

Maestro, another rimshot please.
 Kodanshi
Joined: 9/19/2015
Msg: 64
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inappropriate jokes of the week
Posted: 9/8/2016 12:47:24 PM
[family dinner]

“Dad, what's double penetration?”

*dad spits drink all over mum from shock*

“No dad, not bukkake. I said double penetration.”
 Shewymacfee
Joined: 4/2/2016
Msg: 65
best joke of the week
Posted: 9/9/2016 7:28:35 AM
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath.
They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated.
They theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma.
They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it.
The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy.
They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."
 diaboloacetin
Joined: 12/20/2014
Msg: 66
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best joke of the week
Posted: 9/10/2016 6:37:19 AM
Maybe we should rename this thread

Breast Joke of the Week

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
 Padenn
Joined: 8/12/2016
Msg: 67
best joke of the week
Posted: 9/23/2016 2:44:29 PM
jokes are not historical facts... ever hear the term wet blanket?
 Nestaron
Joined: 3/22/2016
Msg: 68
best joke of the week
Posted: 1/5/2017 9:09:44 PM
3 nuns are sitting on a bench
a man walks up and flashes them
2 nuns have a stroke and the 3rd cant reach.
 Nestaron
Joined: 3/22/2016
Msg: 69
best joke of the week
Posted: 1/31/2017 3:21:12 PM
What does a hurricane, a tornado, earthquake and a wife have in common... Eventually one is going to get your house.
What's the difference between a "slut" and a "****"? A "slut" will sleep with anyone, a "****" will sleep with anyone but you.
Why did a wife get mad when her husband had "I love you" tattooed on his penis? She knew he was just trying to put words in her mouth.
I got a joke that's going to make some women's boobies fall off... nvm seems alot of the already heard it.
 GoodLord1
Joined: 2/21/2017
Msg: 70
best joke of the week
Posted: 3/18/2017 7:00:40 AM
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
 
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
   
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
 
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
 
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 71
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best joke of the week
Posted: 3/28/2017 7:54:13 PM
A photon walks into a hotel and asks for a room. The concierge asks if he has any luggage. "No, I'm travelling light." Badaboom-tish :D
 GhostRaven73
Joined: 11/9/2016
Msg: 72
best joke of the week
Posted: 3/28/2017 10:26:08 PM
Few jokes I know, and have posted on facebook (sometimes publicly). *Just a heads up, some of them are dirty, lol*

4 words can prove you're jewish. . . "it cost how much?"

Can make you laugh in 3 words. . . Rooster, Shaped, Lollypop.

A woman takes a cab to a nudist colony, getting out of the car, driver asks "can I help you with your bags", she says "what bags?"

Heard of a transgender job available, it's called #TheWalkingDead , don't even need makup.

Good driving joke, put a whoopie cushion under someones brake pedal, so every stop . . . : P

Moving in, landlord tells me "no pets", I said "explain your girlfriend..."
 GoodLord1
Joined: 2/21/2017
Msg: 73
best joke of the week
Posted: 3/30/2017 9:37:32 AM
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

 She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'
 GoodLord1
Joined: 2/21/2017
Msg: 74
best joke of the week
Posted: 4/3/2017 6:42:48 PM
Lion's Cage
 
A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter and eat her, all under   the eyes of her screaming parents.
 
A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on  the nose with a powerful punch.  Whimpering from the  pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who  thank him endlessly. A reporter from CNN has watched the whole  event.
 
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and  bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
 
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really.  The lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
 
The CNN reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a reporter for one of the largest news networks in the world and I can assure you tonights opening story will show your heroics!  So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?"
 
The biker  replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump".
 
The  journalist leaves.  That evening, the biker tunes into CNN Headline News to see if it indeed did report the news of his actions and hears: 
 
** U.S  MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH.
 GoodLord1
Joined: 2/21/2017
Msg: 75
best joke of the week
Posted: 4/3/2017 6:45:40 PM
Learning To Cuss
 
 
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm
 
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
 
Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
 
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man"
 
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
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