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 AUTHOR
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 72
I Chose The Wrong GuyPage 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

From the male perspective, how would you feel if you were contacted out of the blue by a girl who rejected you in the past to pursue someone else ?

None of us are anybody’s first pick. On a dating site, unless we’ve just arrived we’ve all seen others, felt attracted to others, wanted others, contacted others. And probably had false starts with others.

If I was on a woman’s short-list and then she chose somebody else, I wouldn’t even see that as a rejection. She thought they had a better chance of making it. Go with my blessing.

And if it didn’t work out for them that doesn’t mean she made a mistake. She probably made the best choice she could with the information she had. If she wants to resume with me, that would be welcome.

And if we find in time that we’re no compatible either, is that yet another mistake? Would she be telling her friends I was a ‘mistake’? Hardly.

We took a chance. We explored the possibilities. We enjoyed the moments, gave each other our best and parted with love. Maybe it’s an age thing, maybe it’s experience, maybe it’s attitude – but I don’t see my relationships as a series of mistakes. And I don’t take a woman’s try with another man as a personal rejection. Not when our hearts are true.
 LoveBeautifulDays
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 73
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/27/2013 3:26:15 PM
Just try :-)
Never know
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 74
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History
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/28/2013 1:23:14 AM

None of us are anybody’s first pick. On a dating site, unless we’ve just arrived we’ve all seen others, felt attracted to others, wanted others, contacted others. And probably had false starts with others.

If I was on a woman’s short-list and then she chose somebody else, I wouldn’t even see that as a rejection. She thought they had a better chance of making it. Go with my blessing.

And if it didn’t work out for them that doesn’t mean she made a mistake. She probably made the best choice she could with the information she had. If she wants to resume with me, that would be welcome.

Yeah, that's exactly how I'd feel too. In fact, OP, I don't understand why you keep saying that you've made the "wrong" choice or have chosen the "wrong" guy. There is no right or wrong here. You didn't know these two men, you had no way of knowing which one might work out and which one might not - and may be neither would. The thing is, you've been honest with the second guy all along so if I was him, I would certainly not feel slighted in the slightest.

So there is no need to feel that you've screwed up or made the wrong choice. You made your call based presumably on a dating profile and a few emails/text/conversations; it didn't work out and you're back on to the drawing board again. That's not so different from the rest of us who are out there trotting the dating scene, trying to find a match with incomplete (and sometimes even inaccurate) information. There is going to be a lot of trials & errors, and that's the reality of dating.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 75
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/28/2013 2:49:11 AM
OP, I don't understand why you keep saying that you've made the "wrong" choice or have chosen the "wrong" guy. There is no right or wrong here. You didn't know these two men, you had no way of knowing which one might work out and which one might not - and may be neither would.


She had a choice of two men - based on what she learned about both of them (presumably from meeting them) she found either a bunch of "better" things with "the guy behind curtain #1" to choose him over "the guy behind curtain #2", or a bunch of things she didn't like about "curtain #2" to NOT choose him.

I've been in this situation numerous times. Let's be realistic, you're on a dating site - how many times have you been "curtain #2" and wound up letting her back, that it's worked out long term and you're still in a relationship with?

My experience is that in the long run it never works, because the things that either "turned them off" or "expectations you didn't meet" originally wind up being the things that end it eventually anyways.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 76
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/28/2013 4:43:42 AM

84: …how many times have you been "curtain #2" and wound up letting her back, that it's worked out long term and you're still in a relationship with?

Since none of us are in long term relationships, isn’t the answer to that a bit pre-determined? by other factors?

… the things that either "turned them off" or "expectations you didn't meet" originally wind up being the things that end it eventually anyways.

If there were ‘turn-offs’ or "expectations you didn't meet" originally, why would she bother contacting you again? OP liked both men, found them ‘BOTH fantastic’. Obviously going back to choice #2 doesn’t guarantee it will work. And doesn’t mean it won’t.
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 77
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/28/2013 7:03:26 AM

From the male perspective, how would you feel if you were contacted out of the blue by a girl who rejected you in the past to pursue someone else ?


You'd be best to let it go and start again. Chances are he'd no longer be interested; and if he was interested, you would have to admit to him that you were wrong. I can't remember the last time I've ever heard a woman do that.
 EyesRgreen_62
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 78
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/28/2013 7:33:06 PM

You'd be best to let it go and start again. Chances are he'd no longer be interested; and if he was interested, you would have to admit to him that you were wrong. I can't remember the last time I've ever heard a woman do that.


LOL ... I can understand why you might feel that way ... but I can easily admit I am wrong when I am ... no problem at all with it :)
 EyesRgreen_62
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 79
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/28/2013 7:36:05 PM

None of us are anybody’s first pick. On a dating site, unless we’ve just arrived we’ve all seen others, felt attracted to others, wanted others, contacted others. And probably had false starts with others.

If I was on a woman’s short-list and then she chose somebody else, I wouldn’t even see that as a rejection. She thought they had a better chance of making it. Go with my blessing.

And if it didn’t work out for them that doesn’t mean she made a mistake. She probably made the best choice she could with the information she had. If she wants to resume with me, that would be welcome.
**************************************************************************************
Yeah, that's exactly how I'd feel too. In fact, OP, I don't understand why you keep saying that you've made the "wrong" choice or have chosen the "wrong" guy. There is no right or wrong here. You didn't know these two men, you had no way of knowing which one might work out and which one might not - and may be neither would. The thing is, you've been honest with the second guy all along so if I was him, I would certainly not feel slighted in the slightest.

So there is no need to feel that you've screwed up or made the wrong choice. You made your call based presumably on a dating profile and a few emails/text/conversations; it didn't work out and you're back on to the drawing board again. That's not so different from the rest of us who are out there trotting the dating scene, trying to find a match with incomplete (and sometimes even inaccurate) information. There is going to be a lot of trials & errors, and that's the reality of dating.


I love this combo of posts ... what it came down to basically was the man I chose had not been in a relationship for a longer period of time ... I saw him as being more ready ... the one I did not choose, had just ended a relationship ... and I felt it was perhaps too fresh.
 msright78
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 80
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/28/2013 9:08:18 PM
My honest thoughts are, it wouldn't hurt if u just reached out to him to see what he says.

If u don't message him, u won't know the answer. If he found someone else, then move on. If he hasn't and remembers u, u can try to re-ignite something if he's interested.

But if u don't call or email him u won't know. The worst that can happen is that he'll tell u straight up to F off for rejecting him.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 81
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/29/2013 6:13:14 AM
what it came down to basically was the man I chose had not been in a relationship for a longer period of time ... I saw him as being more ready ... the one I did not choose, had just ended a relationship

In that case, going back to #2 makes sense to me. There was nothing personally flawed about him. #1just looked better on paper.

I would do the same if woman #1 lived three blocks away and #2 lived thirty miles away. Circumstances, lifestyle, timing… I'd say there’s more to the basis for mate selection (and rejection) than just the match-up of two personalities, sometimes many complex factors?
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 82
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History
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/29/2013 6:16:21 AM

the man I chose had not been in a relationship for a longer period of time ... I saw him as being more ready ... the one I did not choose, had just ended a relationship ... and I felt it was perhaps too fresh.


So what has changed now? He is currently in a relationship and you 'left the door open' for him to contact you. Which he might do as soon as his breaks up with this girl. The circumstances will still be the same and you might end up leaving him again! Or even worse, you might feel guilted into overlooking this dealbreaker and stay in a relationship that you're not happy with.
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 83
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/29/2013 11:03:51 PM
Most women do, then continue "choosing the wrong guy". Later, when "the wrong guy" dumps on her yet AGAIN, she does the dumb thing and continues to date "the wrong guy". Why not date a "nice/good/solid guy"? because he's " too nice" and her friends most likely wont approve.
 ShelbySask4friend1
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 84
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/29/2013 11:41:36 PM
Let me guess, if you picked him originally and it did not work out, you would still think you made the wrong choice,lol...

Why was there only 2 choices,lol...

The interesting thing is,lol, you contacted him afterwards, he is seeing some one, and instead of him saying yes I am seeing this woman it is going great, he basically mentioned it is going well "so far",lol, like he is leaving the door open, like you said, which would worry me a little...

Is he really the right choice?
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 85
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/30/2013 5:09:25 AM


84: …how many times have you been "curtain #2" and wound up letting her back, that it's worked out long term and you're still in a relationship with?

Since none of us are in long term relationships, isn’t the answer to that a bit pre-determined? by other factors?


That was kinda the point. If your choices worked, you wouldn't be here would you? So why would you think that, after weighing the two options and deciding on #1, that your #2 option would work instead? #2 has already been determined to not be "up to par" with #1... why not pass up #2 and search for a new "#1"?



… the things that either "turned them off" or "expectations you didn't meet" originally wind up being the things that end it eventually anyways.

If there were ‘turn-offs’ or "expectations you didn't meet" originally, why would she bother contacting you again? OP liked both men, found them ‘BOTH fantastic’. Obviously going back to choice #2 doesn’t guarantee it will work. And doesn’t mean it won’t.


She would "bother contacting you again" because she doesn't want to have to go back to the drawing board, you were "both fantastic", but he was "better" than you... and given that there's "plenty of fish" in the sea, I'm sure there's even "better than both of you" out there?

Well, a lot of people seem to be looking for that anyways... the "BBD". We breed it as a culture... just look at the masses of people that would line up for the "iPhone 6g" if it came out, for no other reason than its "the latest toy".

Quite honestly, it somewhat reeks of "cant' be alone, so I'll settle for the reject from the past rather than be alone".
 EyesRgreen_62
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 86
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/31/2013 10:32:12 AM
Thank you once again to everyone for their unique perspectives ... I have read them all ... fantastic food for thought !


Quite honestly, it somewhat reeks of "cant' be alone, so I'll settle for the reject from the past rather than be alone

This could not be farther from the truth ... I was alone and very lonely in a marriage for MANY years ... I have taken two years off since my separation and divorce proceedings. I basically raised three kids on my own (even though married to their father) ... they are now young adults making their way. I have a career in a field dominated by men and am highly successful ... I can do absolutely anything I put my mind to. I have made the decision, at this point in my life, I want to seek a partner ... a lover ... a best friend ... I have earned that.

I can more than be alone, I just don't want to be anymore :)
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 87
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History
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/31/2013 11:05:06 AM
Most women/men do this or that, pure D bullshit...if I'm not first choice then forget it, total head game and pure D bullshit...that fact is that saying these things is just a defense mechanism to make yourself feel better about having been rejected once or many times in your love life. Let's face it, unless you are a never-yet-dated, virginal teen or pre-teen you are highly unlikely to be anyone's first choice and the older you get the further down the line you become. Being first isn't important at all, other than to your ego and most likely a lie, what's important is finding that person you click with, can have a good, solid relationship with, finding that person who is right for you. If you are going to take names and make demerit lists, guess what, it's going to start really interfering with your ability to find compatibility. That old defensive, nose in the air, how dare you not want me first, only me and right now and there better not ever have been anyone but me in the front running...will get you nowhere. It's a wall, it's not a boundary that's good for you, it's just a wall of fear and ego out of control.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 88
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/31/2013 2:37:20 PM
Being first isn't important at all, other than to your ego and most likely a lie, what's important is finding that person you click with, can have a good, solid relationship with, finding that person who is right for you.


Speak for yourself Dayna, my *experience* has been that if you were "2nd choice" once, the chances of it working out long term are basically "nil", "nada", "zero". The "attraction" on their part wasn't as "intense" as it was for "someone else", a week from now, a year from now, 5 years from now, it's not going to be as "intense as it is for someone else" again. There's no "nose in the air, how dare you not want me first" about it, just simple experience - in 100% of the cases so far (and I *have* tried) it has worked out exactly 0% of the time.
 PrettyBr0wnEyed1
Joined: 2/28/2013
Msg: 91
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/31/2013 3:20:01 PM
I would probably try to get to know someone new. No one wants to be the consolation prize. He may be open to friendship, but as far as dating, I wouldn't approach him about that. Try being his friend, if he's open to it, sometimes friendship can blossom into something - if it's meant to. Good luck.
 Winesmyhobby
Joined: 8/31/2007
Msg: 92
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I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/31/2013 4:03:47 PM
If a woman had picked another over me it would take time for me to get over it to the point I may consider going out with her. I would not be interested in hearing from her no matter how much she told me she was sorry that she made a mistake. I may give her a chance and go out with her after a good long while had past like about a year. So give it some time then contact him. Don't call him a month after picking someone else over him. Give him time to heal his ego...
 EyesRgreen_62
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 93
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/31/2013 5:06:51 PM
That is good advice BrownEyes ... and that is pretty much what I've done ... he's not been receptive and that's just fine ... at least I know I tried !

And Wine ... I totally get that ... and understand and would not blame a guy
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 94
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 9/21/2016 11:57:58 AM

From the male perspective, how would you feel if you were contacted out of the blue by a girl who rejected you in the past to pursue someone else ?


I would advise her to take a long walk on a short pier.
 ytubftjfdhd2
Joined: 9/18/2016
Msg: 95
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 9/21/2016 1:58:25 PM

Like many of us, I chose one guy over another. In the end, I made a mistake.


I actually had this happen to me . . .and when she realized she made a mistake and tried to come back . . . I basically told her to get lost (not in words but by my actions). But at that point she no longer mattered to me, not in the least.

If she had been a long lost love.... that might have been a different story. They hold a special place in the universe but they are very, very few and far between.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 96
I Chose The Wrong Post
Posted: 9/21/2016 5:25:12 PM
As a fellow who hasn't had a date in a decade, I can say...I've passed up a few chances to be in second place. Sometimes you might look back, years from now, and realize the standard was too high. Of course, if you have other alternatives, then go for them. And considering how old the original post is, that's probably what's happened.
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