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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Dealing with cigarette smoke      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Advwench
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 26
Dealing with cigarette smokePage 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
You're right, charliesmom. It is my choice.

What some of you are missing is that I haven't asked him to quit. I haven't asked him to change who he is for me at all. When he admitted he smokes HE'S the one who said "but I'm trying to quit." That's what led me to believe he was quitting. Had he said "I smoke and have no intention of quitting right now" - which other men have done and I've said "thanks, but no thanks" - I wouldn't have gone to the meet up.

While I agree that no one has the right to try and change anyone, I don't think it's unreasonable to bring up quitting rather than just saying "see ya" since he said he was trying to do so first.
 tallbrowneyedlady
Joined: 11/22/2012
Msg: 27
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:23:42 AM
Explain to him that smoking is a deal breaker. Either he stops smoking today, or you're done. Don't listen to excuses. You know smoking is disgusting so why subject yourself to it. Get a spine and stand up for yourself.
 jt guy
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 28
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:32:47 AM
OP: In my opinion the issue is not if he smokes or not, but I think you should consider what is best for you. Let us say you get over this bump in the road, by changing cloths, before meetings, etc. I think the bottom line is you should be asking yourself if you want to be a nurse to a person with COPD or lung cancer. I have saw people die, who smoked and it is not pretty. My own father was one. He smoked Camels for years and it is a horrible way to die. Anyone who smokes runs that risk and only you can make up your mind to date him or not.

I have ask myself this question many times and you may want to consider it yourself. Knowing how hard it is to get a good relationship off the ground and up and running. I ask myself, why would I want to bring into the relationship a life altering issue to deal with, over and above the normal ?
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 29
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:39:37 AM
^^^The only problem I see with that logic, is people have diabetes and get sick and die, so i guess we should avoid them.. women with breast cancer in their family have a higher risk, so lets get rid of them. Men with high blood pressure have a higher risk for heart attack and stroke, too lets get rid of them too. My point.. if she wants to avoid smokers.. she has every right to do so, it is not her right to force him to change. We are all imperfect creatures and I would not personally expect anyone to change to suit me and my way.. either he is okay with me or I move on, I tend to accept people for who they are, if something like smoking offends me,.I would be sure to ask that up front before dating anyone next time. I know some will say the other examples are not the same.. but the end result is.. I dont expect a slob to accept my clean house or live that way.. I just choose not to date him. there are many other deal breakers. All are your right to choose, none are your right to expect change from someone to suit you. Just something to ponder.
 Railrunner
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:42:17 AM
Cigarettes are a powerful addiction. When he says he is "trying" to quit, I read that as he may end up quitting, and then he may not. Won't be an easy battle if he has smoked for a long time, and some people who are addicted to nicotine can become monsters when they give it up. I know of one person who was very jumpy when he tried quitting. When he went into withdrawls, he would become aggressive, to the point where if you said "Good morning", he would pick a fight. Needless to say, I avoided him after telling him he can't fight this battle on his own and needs professional help. He did quit in the end at least.

Ultimately, though, you have to ask yourself how much you can put up with the smell of smoke, and any behavior associated with usage or withdrawls from cigarettes and nicotine.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 31
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:43:44 AM
Op,i think this is a case where you're going to have to put up or shut up.

He will quit when he wants to and not because *you* want him to.
*shrug*
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 32
view profile
History
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:51:25 AM
How about slapping a nicotine patch on his forehead and stuffing some Nicorette gum in his mouth?

 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 33
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:51:59 AM

Either he stops smoking today, or you're done.

I respectfully disagree, if they can find a way to continue a little longer. OP needs to know what he is like before he enters the quitting phase. Otherwise she may attribute his irritation from withdrawal to his character and not see it through. I suggest getting to know him better, setting a date for the near future and promising to stick with it for at least a month. Then things get better.

Non-smokers tend to underestimate the impact of quitting. While their brains acknowledge the facts, their hearts may still get offended because they don't feel the restlessness that is going on inside his body. Nicotine takes 24-48 hours to be gone, other stuff like tar up to 15 years. It's the nicotine that you are addicted to as a smoker. Oral stimulation like chewing gum helps the quitting a bit. If the relationship is at a more intimate stage, I'm sure OP could find a way to keep her partner's lips busy. Yes, it helps. All the ladies who complain about non-attentive men in the oral department SHOULD date a quitting smoker...
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 34
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:55:16 AM
Please remember, OP, that dealing with the smoke is just a tiny part of the issue. Dealing with the health consequences is a HUGE issue, esp. as people get older.

He misrepresented himself by saying whatever he did that led you to believe he mostly smoked e-cigarettes. He knew that wasn't true but said it anyway, knowing it wasn't true--probably it was wishful thinking, but still he knew.

I would encourage you to think about these two things before getting involved any deeper. You might be doing him a favor if he lost his chance with you b/c of the smoking--probably not, but maybe. More importantly, be true to yourself. Good luck, whatever you decide.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 35
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:57:02 AM
I don't think it's unreasonable to bring up quitting rather than just saying "see ya" since he said he was trying to do so first.


Be aware that every smoker is programmed by society to say "I'm trying to quit." I know some senior citizens who are smokers since childhood who have been saying for the last 40 or 50 years "I'm trying to quit." So the moral of the story is saying and doing are often two different things. Judge him by his actions rather than what he says he's going to do in the future.
 NOCLOWNING
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 36
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 9:05:35 AM
Quitting is not easy. If it bother's you that must, stop seeing him.
I am with Charliesmom21 on this.
 StrykinOut
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 37
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 9:51:27 AM

This allows you to quote a previous post.


Ditto. Lost both parents early due to that habit.
 gofurguy
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 38
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:07:09 AM
one of my biggest pleasures is enjoying a woman who smells great, if i find shes a smoker i just turn and walk away, they dont care enough about their health , they sure arent going to care much about you as well
 gofurguy
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 39
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:11:47 AM
i understand what your saying, i have never smoked but mom and dad did, i have terrible allergies especially to smoke. i have diabetis as well as high blood pressure, but i have not given the disease to anyone else. its the 2nd hand smoke that gets you,i still say just walk away
 AthatitaApudetat
Joined: 9/26/2012
Msg: 40
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:15:39 AM
you need to explain to him. smokers dont relieze how bad it really is. and as far as e cig here is a link to the best heavy smoker e- cig ..........

http://www.volcanoecigs.com/inferno-kit.html
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 41
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:18:43 AM

I, for whatever reason don't smell like smoke,

ALL smokers say this... even worse is that they believe it. Trust me hon.. no matter what anyone is telling you.. it's there. Your hands, hair, and clothes reek of it. It's just a fact.

I always found it rather sad when a very pretty woman would step on to an elevator... I marveled at how much time and effort she must have put into her hair, perfumes, makeup, etc... and she smelled like an ashtray.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 42
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:22:30 AM
I used to meet people that smoke because I didn't think it was
a big deal, it was their business and lots of other various excuses.

But smoking really bothers me.
So now, I don't meet people who smoke, and if I met someone who
smoked, wouldn't really matter how much I initially liked them, I
wouldn't start any sort of relationship with them.

I know there are a lot of nice people that smoke, and perhaps I'm
missing out on someone because I can't get past the smoking issue,
but we all have our deal breakers.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 43
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:23:46 AM
After watching my father die of cancer at age 51, I refuse to be around a smoker. Dad lit each new cigarette from the last. The only time Dad drew a fresh breath of air was when he was sleeping with the windows open.

 i_ski_do_u
Joined: 11/26/2009
Msg: 44
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:31:06 AM

Either accept him as he is or cut him free. He is who he is. It is not fair to serve him with an ultimatum.
This is what I do with drinkers and they smell too. I've never had issues with people when they've been smoking, but I have had issues with people when they've been drinking.
 AthatitaApudetat
Joined: 9/26/2012
Msg: 45
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:34:53 AM
I see all this walk away stuff and I have to add some more. I smoked since I was 15 years old. I quit smoking in my late 40's. If you are really into each other then talk with him and explain how you feel. There are several aids to help smokers quit and the above link is one of the best. Tell him to go see his doctor and get Wellbutrin (at least 500mg) acompany with the inferno e cig (the little cigs are a waste of time) he will quit with in a month. If a man is really into a woman he will go to great lengths for her so give it a shot.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 46
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:37:50 AM
I said it before and I will say it again,, its his or her choice to do whatever.. do some of the posters have to spew their nasty little downgrading thoughts about them to make themselves feel superior. Call it a personal choice and move on, stop with the "those people are nasty, those people smell, those people are not as good as me nonsense and do whatever makes you personally happy. This crap is as bad as the people who slam some one for their weight or anything else. I personally like my average lifestyle and do not find gym rats particularly attractive but I dont waste ignorant and nasty remarks towards them. Maybe a few of you "god's gifts should think about how you might appear to others kind enough not to slam you for your imperfections.. Just a thought.
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 47
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:41:37 AM
Nagging and close-mindedness are deal breakers.

If someone says a coworker was surprised after two years that she's a smoker, I conclude that he didn't smell it on her. Of course, he could have smelled it because 'all smokers reek' and feigned surprise to get in her pants. Or an alien abductor did surgery on the co-worker's nose... Come on... She was there, y'all were not.

And all the stats on diseases and death? I know non-smokers who died or had terrible diseases. Shall I quit dating non-smokers? Yes, the risk is higher, but the chance of getting cancer or COPD from smoking is still far lower than the risk of getting nagged at by a non-smoker. Not smoking is no guarantee for not getting cancer.

And the crap of doing him a favor by dumping him? Think about it: If they find a way, he quits and is in a happy relationship. If she dumps him, he will certainly continue to smoke. Logically that argument doesn't make any sense.

I bet many non-smokers cannot fathom the idea that SOME smokers and SOME non-smokers co-exist and even have a relationship. I commend OP for trying to find a way and allowing her heart to lead. And I think her guy is willing to work on it.

I'm outta here, I'm going for a smoke now...
 victorianist
Joined: 2/22/2013
Msg: 48
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:44:34 AM
Most communities have banned smoking in bars, restaurants, and malls. Many have banned it in parks and on beaches. A few are moving to ban it in all public places - including streets and sidewalks. It won't be long until the only place you could date a smoker is inside a private home or in a drug clinic.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 49
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:45:13 AM

..thanks god for the twins or I might have dogs running away from me whimpering...


and your sense of humor
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 50
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 10:53:40 AM

Is there any way to make the smell of cigarette smoke less of an issue?

Not without either getting him to change his behavior, not spending time physically around him, start enjoying cigarettes, or wearing broken off cigarette filters in each nostril.


Any advice on approaching him without seeming like a nag is welcome

If you are a nag, you can't really hide it.
If you do try to hide it then you are doing the same thing he did by not putting smoker in his profile (assuming there's a space where it asks you if you are a smoker or not).
If you aren't a nag he can simply interpret anything you ask as you nagging him if he doesn't really want to quit.
Asking him to do anything, no matter how poetically worded, can be interpreted in the negative, manipulated into serving his own perspective.

The way most people go about it is a somewhat passive or indirect way, like buying them nicotine patches or gum, and then asking them, every time you get ready to go out or meet, if they have their gum with them or are wearing a patch without really making it a big deal, and otherwise relying on ostracizing by refusing to kiss them if they smell like smoke, and making pained faces when they smell like smoke.
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