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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > How can you date when you are SO bitter?      Home login  
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 Insanity_Inc
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 26
How can you date when you are SO bitter? Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I wouldn't say I was bitter. I don't feel negatively about dating. I just seem to have developed an apathy toward it. When I was younger, even a few years ago, I was excited about dating and finding that someone special. Now I really don't care. I like my life and the way I live it. If I found someone to share it with it would be a bonus...but it just doesn't feel necessary anymore.....
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 27
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/27/2013 7:05:26 PM
You are playing games and buffering yourself instead of just dating from a dating site and you think everyone else is bitter?

You sound envious.


Envious of what pray tell? A man who says he's looking for friends on a dating site and complains how everyone else is bitter? Dazzle us with you logic please.....

My point which went way over his head is that what he is doing is buffering, no different in theory than what he calls bitter women complaining. Pushing them back. I don't date from the internet but when I did, I actually met the guy for a meet and the 2nd meet is called a date. If he's meeting women and saying lets go out again but just be friends until I if decide I want to date you then its turned into complexity and game playing.

Slowly dating does not need to include swapping body fluids. Sometimes you know right off the bat, got that mutual thing going and other times you want to get to know him/her nice and slow, no pressure.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 28
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/27/2013 8:02:20 PM

How can you date when you are SO bitter?


I guess for the same reasons people like Coffee or Beer. Who knows maybe some women prefer men who are like a strong cup of coffee - Dark and Bitter.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 29
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/27/2013 8:56:18 PM

I consider painful experiences an annealing process, like strengthening steel with fire.

Beautifully said, LiterateHiker. Even for you, and you know you can write.

To the OP, I suspect you may be reacting to what I find to be a very, very vocal minority - but nonetheless a minority - on the forums. By far the majority of site users never come here at all, and of those who do, it's easy to forget that a lot only stop in once, for one problem, then carry on and, for all we know, do fine after that. I hope they do anyway.

I myself am, in additon to being a forums addict, also a hopeless romantic who really wants everyone to be happy, even the occasional few I don't much like. Not only for their sakes and for its own sake, but also because happiness begets happiness! I do not think this attitude is so rare.

As for those who truly are bitter, I am equally mystified. You'd think they'd just give it up for a while 'til they start feeling better. I guess hope springs eternal?
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 30
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:36:44 AM

My point which went way over his head is that what he is doing is buffering, no different in theory than what he calls bitter women complaining. Pushing them back. I don't date from the internet but when I did, I actually met the guy for a meet and the 2nd meet is called a date. If he's meeting women and saying lets go out again but just be friends until I if decide I want to date you then its turned into complexity and game playing.


Your point was from a place where you have been hurt. I understood that. What you didn't understand from my responses are that it takes awhile to just be friends and NO I am not "swapping fluids" with friends. I am getting to know them. Funny how you are commenting about me on other posts but not mine posts. I am not pushing away people, I am getting to know them and them getting to know me. I have wanted to be with women and been told no. Did it hurt? Yes! Am I bitter about it? No! The reason is that I got to KNOW why we weren't compatible and able to move on.

You see people commenting on here about being hurt and taking it out on others. What has happened to you to make you think I would do that? What pain have you gone through to make you think I am using these women or would want to just hurt them like you are suggesting? Did someone do that to you, my friend? If so, I will understand. Cause it happened to me. Hurt like H3ll, but we are still FB friends and I wish her well in her new relationship.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 31
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 10:33:27 AM
Deciding to stay friends with a date that didn't carry that 'spark' is NOT playing games - it's called 'Networking' and making (and keeping) friends.

I lost a helluva lot of local friends in the divorce, so when it came to making new ones, it's tough to meet new people sometimes.

One of my closest friends is a lady I met through online dating - we knew after one date that we didn't have that 'spark', but we lived in the same neighborhood and hung out at the same haunts, so it became a 'natural' match to pal along with her and meet other people. I've probably got about 25+ friends that I would have NEVER met if I decided to be angry and defensive because she didn't want to be my significant other. We're both dating other people now, and still play volleyball and hangout together about once a week. Keeping a good attitude is sometimes more important than keeping a romantic relationship.
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 32
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 12:36:22 PM
^^^Networking for opposite sex friends on a dating site to either hang onto indefinately until you/he decide to date them or just to develop platonic friendships is not sexy IMO.

Check on any of the threads where a guy stays on pof while supposedly exclusive to communicate with his new "friends". That complaint from women and men surfaces often here as new threads.

It's a dating site, looking for friends here complicates your dating prospects. That's my opinion and I'm entitled to it. You folks can do whatever you want and are entitled to make your lives as complicated as you like. But when you ask for opinions learn to respect others by disagreeing not insulting or telling them they are wrong.

From the opening post:



My goal here is to make friends. I will then see which one of those friendships can develop into a relationship that can lead to marriage.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 33
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 2:28:45 PM
I agree this is a dating site, and soliciting relationships in here should be assumed to be for romantic reasons FIRST - but that doesn't mean healthy friendships CAN'T happen. Yeah, to some extent it seems hypocritical to be on a dating site for non-romantic reasons, but there's nothing that says you CAN'T BE, either.

The main reason why people complain in these forums about exclusivity is their own insecurity. If you trust your partner, it shouldn't mean a damn thing where they may be chatting online - because it's only CHATing, not CHEATing. The infidelity part happens in the real world, not here.

There are literally thousands of people in online dating that state 'Friends First' in profiles because they DON'T want to complicate new relationships with the pressure to have sex and force exclusivity for any reason - most are women, too - so for a GUY to state that reason really should be taken as a rare ideal, not something sick or phony. The cynicism in here is so thick you can't even cut it with a chainsaw.
 ilovehistory
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 34
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How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 3:00:51 PM
I don't date, anyone, ever. Not bitterness though; simply a recognition that I have less than nothing to offer. For the same reason I do not go shopping on days when I have no money, I don't try to date when I can offer nothing that women value in men. Waste of time, better spent on things I can succeed at.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 35
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:43:24 PM

That's my opinion and I'm entitled to it. You folks can do whatever you want and are entitled to make your lives as complicated as you like.


You made incorrect assumptions about me based on your own experiences. You attack one line out of my premise and when it is explained to you, you refuse to listen. How can I help you with that? Yes, this is a dating site, but I think you need to have a basic friendship first. If you cannot be friends how can you be lovers? That is my theory and I will agree to disagree when you are honest with why you keep bringing up a statement that has been explained several times to you. It is like you want to be angry at me for taking the time to get to know someone to see if we have compatibility. I cannot change your obvious bias against me or how you feel about one statement. I cannot explain myself to someone who doesn't want to listen to me or others who see my point. So I guess we will have to agree to disagree and I wish you well in your search.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 36
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:46:21 PM

I agree this is a dating site, and soliciting relationships in here should be assumed to be for romantic reasons FIRST - but that doesn't mean healthy friendships CAN'T happen. Yeah, to some extent it seems hypocritical to be on a dating site for non-romantic reasons, but there's nothing that says you CAN'T BE, either.

The main reason why people complain in these forums about exclusivity is their own insecurity. If you trust your partner, it shouldn't mean a damn thing where they may be chatting online - because it's only CHATing, not CHEATing. The infidelity part happens in the real world, not here.

There are literally thousands of people in online dating that state 'Friends First' in profiles because they DON'T want to complicate new relationships with the pressure to have sex and force exclusivity for any reason - most are women, too - so for a GUY to state that reason really should be taken as a rare ideal, not something sick or phony.


Thank you for getting it. I appreciate it.
 artandbliss
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 37
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:01:16 PM
I think many jump into dating withouut taking the time and making the effort to work through their own baggage, thus they may not be in a healthy and balanced place when choosing who to date.

I believe that if one attempts to be the kind of person that one wants to date and eventually marry, then good things are bound to happen. Water seeks it own level, and optimists tend to attract optimists.

Also, many singles have had bad experiences in prior relationships and that colors their worldview...a kind of situational depression that seems to linger for many.

Heard this the other day: "Bitterness is an acid that burns the vessel it is in more than that which it is poured on".
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 38
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:07:37 PM

How can you date when you are SO bitter?


Quite a few years ago, while I was actually "bitter" I decided to leave the dating alone.



I then started drinking.



Still not dating.



But things are much better now, thank you very much.
 Doremi_Fasolatido
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 39
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How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 7:28:52 PM
OP, during your 5 week online POF experience you've noticed some..... bitter people.

People who've maybe been online too long. People who have bad attitudes, negative outlooks and no hope whatsoever for happiness. These people seem to have a dark cloud hovering over their heads.Following them wherever they go. Their poor attitudes seem to have their own gravitational field. Sucking every ray of warm healing light into the black holes of their existence.

If only these "Negative Nellies and Bitter Bills" could get together and depress each other. Wait, they can...Just like every other person in POF land. Everyone is who they are. Finding someone who likes you for that is....Positive, and worth the effort, IMHO.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 40
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How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 8:48:46 PM
OP, I can understand people being bitter, for many different reasons. Many have been burned before. For me personally, I have never had a date. I've asked hundreds of women over the years, but never had one accept. I don't know that it has caused me to be bitter as much as just jaded. Now, I just can't take any woman seriously. But I've also resigned myself to the fact that there probably isn't anyone out there for me, and I will always be alone. I think it's meant to be that way for some of us.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 41
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How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/28/2013 9:01:14 PM
You have a great attitude OP, I'm an oldtimer on the site and have to say overall it has been a positive experience, I've met some great men who I never would have if I haven't been online, this doesn't mean I haven't gotten frustrated at times with dishonest individuals, but that happens in the real world too. I think expectations are unrealistic about the site, some think after a couple days you should be able to find your soulmate, it takes time and patience, you also have to be realistic that you might not find that special someone at all, you are not entitled to anything in this life, sometimes it's just good timing and a little bit of luck doesn't hurt either.
Some individuals just don't handle adversity well, it's easier to blame everybody else then to step back and take responsibility for your choices in life, some have entitlement issues, some like drama, others get caught up in the same hate cycle not realizing how they are projecting themselves to others, negativity simply isn't attractive and when they aren't successful then everyone else is shallow or too picky using any excuse to avoid that they are the common denominator.
My choice is not to take the site too seriously and if it's meant to happen it will, I've got a good life and consider myself very lucky to have close friends and family, a career I enjoy, hobbies to keep me entertained, someone special in my life is just an added bonus.
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 42
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/29/2013 1:04:48 AM
You made incorrect assumptions about me based on your own experiences. You attack one line out of my premise and when it is explained to you, you refuse to listen. How can I help you with that? Yes, this is a dating site, but I think you need to have a basic friendship first. If you cannot be friends how can you be lovers? That is my theory and I will agree to disagree when you are honest with why you keep bringing up a statement that has been explained several times to you. It is like you want to be angry at me for taking the time to get to know someone to see if we have compatibility. I cannot change your obvious bias against me or how you feel about one statement. I cannot explain myself to someone who doesn't want to listen to me or others who see my point. So I guess we will have to agree to disagree and I wish you well in your search.


Nope I didn't. You actually insulted my opinion instead of furthering the discussion, and you continue to hurl multiple insults. That's pretty rude buddy and below the belt type communication. You may want to clean up your own backyard before calling other posters bitter because you appear to have a very big dose of it yourself.
 candyapplered123
Joined: 2/26/2013
Msg: 43
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/29/2013 5:01:23 AM
Op is certainly right people are bitter here. It is seen in these forums. These forums are like the game telephone, the statement starts out one way and is only meant that one way. By the time people twist it turn it ends up totally different. People may have no one really to talk to around them and mistakenly come in here for real advice(some people) and they get insulted torn apart and probably feel like crap for even posting. Don't get me wrong I have seen some stupid threads that deserve it. Yes if you get upset by op and his post then look no further on who he is referring to.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 44
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/29/2013 6:46:05 AM

Nope I didn't. You actually insulted my opinion instead of furthering the discussion, and you continue to hurl multiple insults. That's pretty rude buddy and below the belt type communication. You may want to clean up your own backyard before calling other posters bitter because you appear to have a very big dose of it yourself.


I thought you were going to agree to disagree, but you still post angry hateful posts to me. I don't know what happened to you to give you this bias towards me, but please know I am not intentionally being hateful or mean to you. You opinion of me is your opinion, but you voiced it in a public place. I defended myself stating facts which you ignored and continued to attack. You now say I am being rude. If you feel that I am being rude, I sincerely apologize. That is not my intention nor do I want to seem short with you.

What my original premise is that we all have been hurt here and other places. We don't have to be mean to each other here just because some person of another gender hurt us before. Not all women are out to hurt me. Nor are all men out to hurt you either. If my words seem rude to you, I once again send my apologies. If you were to meet me, you would find that I am not some monster you make me out to me. I actually do read what you write. Just answer me this, How do you find someone to love when you are bitter about dating in general? Please answer that for me. Thank you.
 MrMeSir
Joined: 2/17/2012
Msg: 45
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/29/2013 7:02:01 AM
Ahh the irony of bitterness.

The funny thing about being angry and bitter, is that you create that reality yourself, the world on its own is full of compassion and love. Fear and failing to understand is the biggest part of it, people try to protect themselves from their imaginary reality by hurting others, who inturn try to avoid them, or as is the case with some, end up getting hurt further as it's not uncommon for two people to face off in a self protection mode, while hurting themselves and sometimes others.

When we let go of it, good things come, if we can stay away from those trying to control reality, as we don't control reality. im not religious, but i believe if one is, they can understand it better, by knowing god is everything and we don't control god, we can know that love is out there all around, having faith in that is what works, has worked for thousands of years. Again, i am not religious at all, nor do i believe in god, i do however, see why religion has existed for so long, as they all hold many truths.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 46
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How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/29/2013 10:27:28 AM
I find that poeople, who are bitter often hold onto it as a way of saying:
1. I am important enough that somebody did this TO me.
2. Their bitterness is a direct manifestation of their victim stance.
3. They are unwilling to accept people as they are and are bitter about their self limiting choices.

Either way, they have painted themselves into a very tiny corner and have no way of getting out except to understand that they have done so. I think it may also be a case ( in some circumstances) where the bitter person is holding onto the feeling to punish those who left them beforehand.

Bitter people just havent finished the cycle of healing yet.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 47
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/29/2013 11:06:14 AM
OP, it is almost a natural progression sometimes that the bullied becomes the bully. I don't even know if they realize that they do it. Is it unfair that someone visits the transgressions of a past boyfriend/girlfriend on a current one? Of course. Does it happen? Yes.

People think and act based on their experience, and the experience that causes the greater emotional response is going to be the most memorable one. You are not going to recall going to the hardware store to buy a hammer if it was uneventful, but you will recall the experience in great detail if the cashier causes a dust up about the price and you are tied up at the checkout line arguing about it for a few minutes. And the next time you go into the hardware store, you are going to be ever so slightly more tentative because you will immediately recall that last experience you had. So if you have had your heart trounced on, it's going to affect you. The key, as you say, is to find a way to let it go, and leave it in the past, so that it doesn't taint the next one.

That's how I see it, for what it's worth.

(Some people are also just inherently mean-spirited and caustic, and enjoy causing discomfort to others)
 ilovehistory
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 48
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How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/29/2013 12:01:39 PM

Oh god! I don't know what you do or don't have to offer but this attitude alone is enough to keep most women away. It is the BIGGEST turn off ever. I mean you might be right, but the fact that you are saying this and you are feeling this even if you went out and met someone they would be able to smell it on you.

My point is, this attitude might have been the reason you were not successful...so you can't really say you have nothing to offer when no one stuck around long enough to find out due to the attitude that you have nothing to offer.

It's kind of self-fulfilling prophecy and I think it's sad when people reach this level.


I didn't feel this way when I was still trying to find someone. I thought I had a lot to offer, but I was finally forced to rethink my belief. I have asked out over 200 women over a period of many years, and ALL of them turned me down, most with a level of viciousness that I still cannot understand. I understand a woman getting offended if a guy asks her out in a non-respectful way (eg. "Hey baby, let's f--k"), but not when a guy asks her to go on a respectable date. I didn't ask anyone again, after being turned down, so I wasn't bugging or stalking anyone. I wasn't asking out women who were way above me in looks, money, education, etc.

At the same time, I did get asked out by women on occasion. Most never spoke to me again after one date, and those who did see me again would, in most cases, date me for a long time (several months) while refusing to have any physical contact with me. I don't just mean sex; before you do that, you should have held hands, kissed, etc. Right? All of them admitted that they were repulsed by me even before asking me out, but I appeared to have money and they wanted someone to spend money on them, take them out to eat, etc. till the guy they REALLY wanted came for them. Many actually were obsessed with someone they already knew but he didn't want them.

As I've gotten older, I've had a lot of women with several kids fathered by losers try to get me to take care of their kids financially; some came right and asked me to do so! No, thanks. I have a 16 year old son, and my money and attention are his (he lives with me).

Finally after the last woman I dated dropped me instantly when a loser with a guitar showed up in her life (she's still supporting this loser financially because he won't work...they're still together, lol) a few years ago, it was time to analyze what was wrong with me. A very good friend suggested that I find out what women want, and then carefully think of what, exactly I have to offer.

I spent a couple of years talking to women I knew who were friends or otherwise willing to tell me truthfully what they wanted in men and what they thought of me. I also spent a considerable amount of time in the university library while I worked on my MA, looking at social science research on human mate selection. One old friend, a woman who is like a sister to me, told me that I had nothing to offer but affection, and women can get that from their dog or cat. Harsh, but she was right.

I did have things to offer, but none had any value to women. I am unable to change some of the things that are wrong with me, and the others I am unwilling to change. I would have to become a completely different person, abandoning my work, my hobbies, my ethical and moral beliefs, and my basic way of life. I couldn't live with myself if I threw away all that made my life worth living. I can live without women; I cannot live without the things I would have to give up for them.
 ilovehistory
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 49
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How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/29/2013 12:11:59 PM
POF keeps giving me an error when I try to edit my last post, so here is what I was trying to add:

I have had a few of the women who wanted me to support their kids try to entice me by asking this: "Don't you miss a woman's touch, being with someone, sex, kissing, etc?" Asking me this is like asking me if I miss driving a Rolls Royce. Problem is, I have never driven one, and never will. They're out of my reach, and I'm perfectly happy with my Crown Victoria. Most of the women I have dated would not even hold my hand. What do I have to miss?
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 50
How can you date when you are SO bitter?
Posted: 3/30/2013 7:28:48 AM
Bitterness isn't going away anytime soon, it's a 'rhino devil from hell' beast, multi-layered. pervades society in its forms-- schadenfreude, most humor is- derisive/mocking /delight in other's misfortunes, or frenemies-(the "best way to torment your enemies is to be happy")--the culture seethes with envy, a wounded rage that others are "having more fun" than they..."no one has it as bad as me"--the forums say...

Bitterness, an an elixer many drink serves people -their self-righteous entitlement, mollifies their pain by inflicting it on others, is a negative 'attention seeking' device--why would dating be exempt in the Bitter Follies?

I used to try to cheer angry people up, thinking they were miscomprehending, misreading or befuddled, but bitterness is their signature go to response. They imbibe it even though it will poison them, like a cigar, drugs or drink eventually will.
They cling to it like the only power they have. Why take their power away to learn" cause and effect"-(i.e. repel people and try a different method of attention getting).

Since it is largely a"failure of the imagination", this might take them a while. All you can do is back away slowly.
2 poles I see too often here:
1 Bitter finger pointing, blaming, cycle of failure or refusal to take responsibility for their participation in bad experiences, fragile ego protection mode.
2 Shame--they blame themselves, feel cursed vs understand the whys, a victim of fate's whimsy, woe is me, pleas for help.
If one could put down the bitter shield.. and the shame mask, to look at the real issues...it's not the other person.
What can one do to change one's lot, rather than only stewing in Bitter Brew, or requesting sympathy, and validating "blamelessness".
If you say: men and women are cheaters/scum and users, you have no place to go.
If you say: no matter what, I inexplicably get victimized, that stops the show.
What was your part, how do you want to take steps now, and did those steps work?
Can we learn from insights to be more aware, understanding or cognizant of certain situations?
Sometimes this occurs, but not enough.
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