Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Bf rarely wants sex      Home login  
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 26
Bf rarely wants sexPage 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Maybe he figures not having sex is the best way to keep you from pumping the babies out . Because now he will basically end up becoming your indentured servant .
Joined: 7/29/2012
Msg: 27
view profile
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 7:56:39 PM
Actually this is my first time posting with this account. I closed my old one when I met my bf.
I joined just for the forums.
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 28
view profile
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 8:04:23 PM
My question OP would be if this is normal for him, if this is how he has always been like with you or before you.

If this is his norm then that is not going to change and the two of you have different sex drives and will have to make some hard choices. If this is something new then it could be physical such as low testosterone or mentally such as depression or having anew baby to care for, then he could get checked out. If he has said that this is how he is then believe him and either accept the situation as it is and try to reach some sort of compromise or end the relationship and make alternate arrangements for the child's sake.
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 29
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 8:22:45 PM
Not every man is a bag of raging hormones ready and willing at any given moment, but for those saying unequivocally that there is nothing wrong, I respectfully beg to differ. There could be a myriad of things that could be wrong. Numerous medical conditions could cause a decreased libido, and numerous medications could have decreased libido as a side effect.

What I would suggest to him if I were in your shoes, OP, is that he go to his doc to get a physical check-up and let his doctor know this is happening. If the problem is not physical, then the next move is to check psychological factors (many of which also cause decreased libido).

The thing is, is that your BF needs to decide that he wants to investigate this issue, and he has a right to decide that. That being said, you also have a right to decide whether you will accept it long term or not.
Joined: 7/29/2012
Msg: 30
view profile
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 8:30:51 PM
Thanks QT3.18

He mentioned to me one time that he was sexually abused as a child. He wouldn't give me anymore details and I don't want to bring it up again.
I'm kind of afraid that it's something to do with that...perhaps like a subconscious thing.

I just really don't think he will talk about it with anyone, even a dr. He thinks that it's private business and is just between him and me.
Joined: 2/23/2013
Msg: 31
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 8:32:42 PM
He dont want sex with u because he isnt as attracted to u as he once was, or he is seeing some one else that he likes having sex with..... Everything else is BS! Sex is the 1st thing to go when a guy isnt happy. ITs no different with women. When we are not happy, we look elsewhere, so do guys.
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 32
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 8:43:40 PM
Did you have a child rather quickly? Maybe he's stunned by the sudden family--you aren't married, why? The sex might just be a symptom of things moving too fast. You have to let him initiate and let go of that issue. Your relationship may not be working or you wouldn't have this problem. Work on the communication. Sex will resolve itself if the relationship is solid...but is it?
Joined: 7/29/2012
Msg: 33
view profile
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 8:47:45 PM
I have an 8 year old from a previous relationship.
He has a 5 year old relationship.
We have a 2 year old together.

Up until recently, we had full custody of his daughter and so we had a very full house... Very Yours Mine and Ours
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 34
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 8:51:23 PM
He mentioned to me one time that he was sexually abused as a child.

I'm not a psychiatrist, or a mental health professional, but I would be willing to bet that this may have something to do with it. Poor guy.

What you could do is for you to go see a mental health professional that deals with sexual abuse victims to see if there is anything you can do to help him. Explain that he is extremely resistant to seeking treatment and why. Maybe they have some tips. At the very least, they can explain the general scenarios so that they an help you and so you can understand the mindset of people who have experienced that kind of trauma.

Good luck to both of you.
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 35
view profile
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 9:25:23 PM
I had a friend that encountered this. Her dude seemed like a regular guy, maybe skinnier. A bit tall. He wasn't gay, didn't seem to be lacking in hormones. I mean- I'm not mr-scope-out-the-dudes.. but lets's call him Gator,. Well Gator had a normal hairy chest- and regular sorta male look - but he didn't want it.. Not often, and even then sort like he was semi-dreaming. This of course frustrated my bud to her wits end.

He wasn't wimpy, was seriously athletic, biked all over town. Tossing footballs he'd bean you in the chest so the stitching would leave a mark. So there were zero hints, at least to me,. of any type of reasoning to this..

And the babe.. 5'2" hot ass, great bod, sly sorta almond eyes and she just twitched with anticipation. One of those sultry ones that seem to be vibrating or swaying when they're hardly moving.

He wasn't jealous of her. She wasn't straying. She was (and probably still is- haven't seen her in 12 years) .. a major bootilicious bit of fineness peeled of the aphroditi clan when the universe spawned the race of hotification. Why any guy wouldn't be sampling that on a regular, or even sickly twisted constant, painful and disturbing basis.. well- why??

It was almost like he realized that, while enjoyable, sex was fundamentally wasted time and shouldn't be indulged in like an addiction. Or I don't know.. It seemed completely nuts to me. I didn't like being in the same room with him. It was much worse than hanging out with a group of gay guys, - cause those I completely get-- this was just... "what is with this dude?"

He was one of those Spock types. Didn't offer opinions off the cuff. Wasn't easy to disagree with. Had sallow and well thought out positions. Wasn't too proud. Not like a space alien, but more like a.. umh.. a bit diluted of the regular fervor and passion about nonsense. Maybe being a bit of a****ad opinionated twerp is a good thing-- if it helps motivate you in the sack.

I realize this missive has dragged on- I've a wonderful gift from the Genii-- let's me comment if I can just make it to 600 words.. so folk- bare with me on this....umh.. ohh.. maniepadra oooooooooooomh..

What else.. oh yeah- well once, my bud was back at her place,. and its a sorta condo on a hill, 2nd story room for her... she's stretched out, just getting comfy, the window faces a line of trees and some other buildings about 500' away. She's a room that faces north,.good light but they leave it open in the fall as its a long wet winter,.. and the babe has some interest in how her skin is tingling, tugs at her hair a little, investigates a few options, checks on the bell of St Martin, a few questions for the hips of Shangrilai, then she notices there's a dude washing the windows, he's looking straight at her. That's all she told me of that- I never did find out what happened after he caught her.

Messages this short cannot be posted..


So then she looked up another dude. Smaller, kinda weaselly, an artist. - we bought some of his paintings,. and I like the Esso sign one.

Messages this short may not be posted

Gave it to my pa quite a while back, but they're actually art experts and they took down the Esso sign painting.
Joined: 1/9/2010
Msg: 36
view profile
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 9:55:53 PM
Yeah sweetie you took his life and turned it upside down within a year and basically trapped him into something that he wasn't ready for, you didn't give the relationship a chance to grow...if you did who knows how he would be acting right now, but right now I promise he resents you.

I know I know, it's his child and he needs to take responsibilty but that doesn't mean he should be locked down in a relationship he doesn't wanna be in.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 37
view profile
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 10:50:28 PM
There are many men with a low libido, it's not uncommon at all. There are women like that too, they just don't have that hormonal drive. Some people have a normal libido but don't like actually having sex for many different reasons. He should go to a doctor to make sure his body chemistry is normal but he may not want to, he may be very happy not being sexual. There are websites online, try typing in mismatched libidos and talk to others. The fact is, most people with a low sex drive do not change, don't want to change and these kinds of relationships can't be misery for the person with a normal libido.
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 38
view profile
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 12:26:36 AM
The link above can guide you to some useful info if you're interested.
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 39
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 2:35:31 AM
Just wondering how you know *he isnt cheating*? I personally..think he is.
Joined: 3/4/2013
Msg: 40
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 2:47:22 AM
I agree with you Import
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 41
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 3:58:02 AM

I would suggest having testosterone levels checked out first to either confirm or eliminate a physiological cause.

Then address the psychological. You mention possible sexual abuse. There is no way to get around discussing the details. It is important to know if abuser was male/female, what age abuse took place, and exact nature of the abuse. This info is important as it lends to the understanding if sexual imprinting or learned behavior has occurred.

Also, interestly, you state that imtimacy declined further during and after pregnancy. Did he witness the birth? And how did he feel about the pregnancy and becoming a father in general? There could be resentment and feelings of loss of control with re: to becoming a father. Also, many men have difficulty reconciling the two images of their SO as both mother and lover after the birth of a child.......

Just throwing it all out there.......good luck!
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 42
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 5:11:43 AM
Has anyone brought up the question that maybe the OP's "sex" isn't all that appealing??? I know some of you girls assume that us guys will phuck a hole in the wall if we could but, I know, personally, starfish don't really turn my crank no matter how pretty.
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 43
view profile
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 5:33:36 AM
He doesn't want to see a doctor or a therapist, and he says he doesn't want to and will not change.

So, the only person you can work with here is yourself.

If you can't figure out how to evaluate your options on you're own, find a therapist who can help you with that.

But forget about trying to change him. He told you where he stands; believe him. If he changes his stance at some point in the future, it won't be because of the pressure you're putting on him.

You have to figure out what you want to do given that the situation is what it is.
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 44
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 6:59:44 AM

I would like it every day
He would like it once a month.
Average those 2 and it would be every other day...

No. You are sum-averaging. When it comes to frequency, I would product-average. Don't ask me to bore everyone with 'why'.

Assuming 30 days in a month, you calculate: (30+1)/2 = 15.5 days of sex, so every other day.
I calculate: (30*1)^(1/2) = 5.5, or a bit more than once a week. Yes, that would be a reasonable compromise he might agree to.
(For those who don't know the notation, it's the square root of the product of the two numbers.)
Joined: 1/24/2011
Msg: 45
view profile
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 7:02:52 AM
I agree with the powerful statement just made,
.....He told you where he stands; believe him......
Perhaps issues of intimacy are a factor...Are you actually intimate with him, or is sex more of an affirmation of being wanted or needed or even an affirmation of not being alone? I mean, really intimate? The words...the touch...the smile...the being the good times and the not such good times...
Joined: 1/23/2013
Msg: 46
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 7:15:34 AM
FIrst of all Congratulations on your baby! Second of all please don't pay any attention to the people who are trying to place blame on you. Well of course it can be both of you it takes two to tango but sometimes it seems when someone asks a question they are jumped on as the problem. Okay so heres what I think....And Im in the field of psychology...Your boyfriend could be one of those men who things a wife or their baby's mother is not a sex object. They think a sex object is a whore and their child's mother is not a whore. I say go for marital therapy. Also Im not trying to sound like I know it all I am only going by what you have told us on here.
Joined: 1/23/2013
Msg: 47
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 7:16:27 AM
Great response!
Joined: 3/22/2011
Msg: 48
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 7:19:43 AM
I must not like sex either, cause I one a day, or every other day is a ridiculously high number. Kissing, making out every day, yeah okay. Full on sex. Ouch! That's wayyyy too often. Try for a more reasonable number like once a week.
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 49
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 7:31:55 AM
I've also been with a guy who probably would have never initiated sex if I didn't. Even once a week would have been fine with me. Eventually I had to accept the fact that nothing I did or said was going to change him, and I decided to leave the relationship. There was no blaming or negative discussion attached to it. I just realized we were not sexually compatible and this was beyond my control.

In this case, attempting therapy or any sort of method shining the spotlight on the issue was only going to cause him to resist and bury himself deeper and farther away from me.

It was time for both of us to find someone more compatible. That's really it.
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 50
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 7:35:00 AM
You got pregnant. Was it planned? Maybe he doesn't want to rinse and repeat.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Bf rarely wants sex