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 rainbowcolors
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 51
Bf rarely wants sexPage 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I can relate to you. When I met my former bf he told me in beginning that he didn't have a high sex drive which took me by surprise because I had never heard of this before nor experienced it. He was 33 at the time. When in bed he would have trouble maintaining erections and I of course took it personally. What is interesting is I should have been put off by him because I had never dated a guy who was chubby before preferring men who were trim like myself. But, I overcame his chubbiness because of the man he was.

We went to his doctor to have his hormone levels checked which came out normal and his doctor looked at me and said, " he may not have a desire for sex because he is not attracted to you". Six years passed and he had a heart attack and we found out afterward that he had diabetes. Both these health issues probably had a lot to due with blood flow. But, once he told me that sex is a chore. That took me by surprise.

It sounds like this problem is multi faceted with your bf. He probably doesn't want to see a therapist because dealing with painful memories is difficult and heart wrenching. Has his sex drive always been low? Or is it something that is recent for him?

It is hard being in a relationship like the one you're in. It affected my self esteem and I would cry a lot because I felt unattractive and worthless and I ended up falling out of love. :(
 AngelofHonesty
Joined: 1/4/2012
Msg: 52
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 9:36:02 AM
First of all, you can't honesty know if he's cheating or not, all women say that, but stick with that if you must. And he has straight out said " HE WON'T CHANGE", so my question to you is what the hell are you going to do about it. Apparently you need to leave or live with it...REALLY, come on, it always amazes me when a woman has a man that tells her the truth and she still refuses to "GET IT", HELLO WTF! Listen to me then I'll recap, He doesn't want to have sex with you, he doesn't want to seek professional help, he doesn't want to change regardless how much you nag to him, the baby didn't bring you closer obviously, he's still not wanting to have sex with you, DO YOU HEAR ME NOW... I think you are the one who needs professional help because you can't except the plain truth right in front of you, get your head out of your arse girl please!
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 53
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 11:54:19 AM
You've got a tough situation on your hands since you've already had a child with this guy. If this is a person you plan on marrying, then you have to accept his sex drive. If this isn't a person you plan on marrying, then it's time to start packing your bags. Even if he has sex more for your sake, it's for YOUR SAKE. Talk about an ego killer. He's already told you that he won't change. Now it's time for you to decide what that means for you.
 CarissaTheNerd
Joined: 4/23/2012
Msg: 54
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 1:33:26 PM
This is my very first post on the forums, but I just want to say that it's all about compromise. My husband and I are both 25, and I have a VERY high sex drive...he has a lower sex drive. When he was 17-23 he had sex with about 60 women, his drive was insatiable, but he was also looking to just have sex because he was missing the emotional connection. We have sex maybe once ever 2 weeks, which is difficult and disheartening for me at times. But there is alot of compromise. You guys have a child together, if he's the bread winner, perhaps he truly is tired from working to support your little family. Now that my husband and I are married, sex has come to an almost standstill due to the stress from our life currently...no honeymoon, no sex on our wedding night...nada. But it's ok..we are both tired, and even though I want it all the time, he makes up for it on the days that is UP for it. He takes the time every day to express his love to me via words and actions, just not physically. I say that you are with a man with a more settled drive, and eventually your body will sync up.
 Notinterested5891
Joined: 7/29/2012
Msg: 55
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 4:27:18 PM
I don't think he is cheating on me:
1. He is on the shy side.
2. He doesn't go anywhere... He is at work or home... He never goes out with friends... Doesn't have any


I resent that anybody would say I trapped him.
He moved from his apartment into my house that I bought. I didn't ask him to.
No I didn't want an abortion... That doesn't mean I trapped him.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 56
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 4:37:22 PM
Just curious, did your boyfriend see you have the baby? Was he there?

The reason why I'm asking is for some men after seeing their women have children sex turns them off.... I've heard of these stories many of times....

Not saying it's the case, just throwing it out there to see if it sticks...
Jan
 Notinterested5891
Joined: 7/29/2012
Msg: 57
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 4:43:42 PM
Haha that's funny you asked. I read that story too so he was not allowed to watch. I made him hold my hand the whole time.
 LoveBeautifulDays
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 58
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 6:44:24 PM
Save your goodies!!!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 59
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 8:42:45 PM
We couldn't know if you trapped him or not, we will never hear his side of the story, but it's not unusual for some men to be totally turned by a women after she becomes a mother. So I think that's what some people are talking about. But if your bf had a low libido before you got pregnant, then I doubt that being pregnant or being a mother is the problem.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 60
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 9:42:03 PM
Time for a repost:

The rule in the world of relationships is that the one who wants the least sex, wins. Always. It would help if we came into the world with characters on our foreheads: A crescent moon means I need sex seven times a week; a heart means once a week is too much. A blue star, three times a week. A watermelon, twice a day, and so on. That way, at a party when you look across that crowded room, you could see at a glance that that gorgeous male/female holding forth to a great crowd of admirers is a heart, and you could leave them alone. And go looking for your match, who happens to be that chunky bearded guy by the window with the watermelon sign on his forehead. He also writes great poetry if that matters to you.

If you consent to hookup with someone who wants/needs less than you: you have a hand -- use it. But don't blame them, they can't help it; and don't cheat. You'll get cooties if you do.

Update: he's not chunky and only has a mustache. The rest stands. . .
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 61
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/29/2013 10:19:47 PM
^^ I like that, woobytoodsday. It reminds me of Rita Mae Brown's idea of a dot, ranging anywhere from white to deepest blue, representing the hetero/homosexuality continuum.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 62
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 9:22:59 AM

Funny that op insistently omits replying to questions "how it was before the child


Actually, if you read carefully everything she has stated, she has not omitted it, and she has also provided a very important piece of information that nobody seems to have paid attention to.
 TheSeeker0
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 63
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 10:34:11 AM
I'm wondering what and how frequint it was before the baby, A lot of men have a "She's a Mommy now syndrome " and has taken the thought where he now looks on you as a mother, Not necessarly his , but still a motherand that has all kinds of repercussions in some mens minds., If this is the case he might just need to take his time and see you differrently.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 64
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 10:50:43 AM
She says it right in the original post.

She got pregnant, it slowed down some (which means that it was more frequent before she got pregnant), she thought it would get better after the baby was born, it hasn't.

She also mentions later on that he was sexually abused as a child, which probably has a significant bearing on the issue, but nobody seems to have taken any notice of it.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 65
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 11:06:33 AM

Try for a more reasonable number like once a week.

Dude, I seriously hope your joking because that's rather pathetic. At the end of my marriage I was getting more than that.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 66
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 11:38:21 AM
This man was violated and assaulted in a sexual way as a child. Whether she is happy with once a week, twice a week, once an hour once a year is not going to matter, if he still has open wounds from the horrific experience he endured as a child. Again, I'm not a mental health professional but I would think that to be one of the most profound traumas one could experience, particularly as a youngster, and I would expect it to skew your feelings on sexual intimacy at least somewhat, if left unattended to. On speculation, the fact that she indicates that he has said it is a private matter leads me to think that he has never sought help for dealing with it, and has carried the burden of it himself for the years he has. So until he can recognize that he has done nothing wrong, he is purely innocent of the crime committed against him, that he deserves to be free of the prison of what he went through, and that there is the possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel for him, the problem he has may not resolve very easily.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 67
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 12:09:58 PM
I did not miss the issue of the sexual abuse.

However, the OP's partner has made it clear that he's not willing to address it. So, it doesn't change the analysis with regard to her options. She can stay and hope that things will change in the future, or she can leave. But she cannot make him go into therapy, if he is not willing to do so.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 68
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 1:09:27 PM
^^ That, and, also - whether or not he has lingering emotional problems does not preclude his also having a naturally low libido.

Even if he does have lingering problems and were willing to go, he could spend a year or two in therapy, or however long it might take, work through this and be fine, and still hardly want sex.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 69
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 1:57:18 PM
I make my "assumptions" based on the experiences I have had with people who have been through what he has been through. I was not making any assumptions other than it could be at the root of his issue, much like others made assumptions of infidelity, the OPs unattractiveness, and the other host of issues that were brought up.

I am flattered that you have seen fit to critique my incorrect assumptions above all others. Thank you. :)
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 70
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 2:14:21 PM

A lot of assumptions about how it affected him.

That's true, but it's irrelevant in any case. He may or may not have issues because of it; doesn't matter, because he isn't interested in exploring it. And, even if he were, as I noted above, there's no guarantee this would result in an increased libido anyway. And, as LilliMarleen said, the OP's choices are the same regardless of any of this.

So, no point battling about it. It doesn't help anyone.

All Notinterested5891 can do is accept it or end it.
 BurningEyes
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 71
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 10:46:05 PM
maybe he had erectile disfunction or low testosterone
 MsMaggieMay
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 72
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 11:01:45 PM
Life is way to short and filled with potholes to be miserable. Be very thankful that you get the chance to be a mother and leave the guy. There are plenty of single dads out there who not only understand single parent hood but would love to get under you hood. Why waste time?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 73
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 11:15:34 PM
When a man has a low libido, trying to turn him on with sexy clothes or other such things that will make her feel more defeated and him more annoyed, do not work on a man with a low libido. It's amazing how little some men seem to understand this. If you've never had a low libido or you've never been with someone who has one, maybe it doesn't make any sense to you, but it isn't that this man isn't stimulated enough by her femininity, it's that he's not sexual, he doesn't get all that excited, and even when he gets off, he may not like that feeling...it could be a plethora of things going on with him, but the worse thing you can tell OP is that she's not trying hard enough or she's not attractive enough, etc., she already feels lacking since she can't understand his lack of sexual emotions. To him, it's not big deal, he doesn't have the problem, she does, I can guarantee you that in most relationships like this the lower libido person thinks the problem is with the 'over sexed' one.

It's like a chocoholic being at a candy store with someone who has a very low or no sweet tooth. How can they not want the chocolate? And the non-sweet tooth person thinks, who the heck would want it and why should I be forced to eat it when it does little to nothing for me? The person who doesn't want the product, isn't missing anything, only the person who wants it is missing something and feels frustrated.

And please, can we stop all this...men all want sex...they don't, not all men even like sex. Google it if you really don't think it's possible. Men or women are not cold if they don't like sex, they aren't usually just holding out, mostly they don't get out of sex what the rest of us are. It may be something that can be fixed, but mostly, it's just they way they are. Just because a person is abused as a child, doesn't tend to make them non-sexual, most abused children grow up to be sexual. It would impossible to really know if a person is non-sexual because of childhood trauma or if they just developed that way.
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 74
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 11:16:58 PM
I would start asking him things like does he want you to dress up. You should know him better ask him what he wants rather than why not
 PrettyBr0wnEyed1
Joined: 2/28/2013
Msg: 75
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/30/2013 11:18:56 PM
I haven't read through all of the replies, but I'm sure it's probably already been said (so if so, I apologize in advance), but he seems to be consistent about not wanting sex all of the time. Has the time you spent together changed from just the weekends now? Are you two living under the same roof? I'm not justifying anything, but do you think that it could be based on him being tired or anything? Sometimes when one is tired they may not want to be sexual. However, if he has always consistently not wanted sex, people don't generally change up from not wanting it to wanting it more often. I wish you luck.
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