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 AUTHOR
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 87
Bf rarely wants sexPage 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

But a crime to *pretend* to be one in order to "capture" a mate, and then revert to the other when the deed's done. In the commercial world, it's called Bait & Switch.

Agreed, but this isn't entirely on the boyfriend either. From the onset of their becoming intimate, he never wanted more than once a week, by this account. Now it's even less, but personally, that would've sent me running in the first place... although, maybe not at her age. Then, I might well have had the romantic notion that I could awaken him somehow. For a few months, maybe. I doubt it would have lasted longer than that.

Still, I understand how they got to this place - she loved him, and he her, and she'd made all this emotional investment already, so it seemed at the time like it made more sense to hope things would get better than to bail. The only trouble is, that's emotional reasoning that doesn't take the facts into account. I'm very sympathetic to it! I struggle with this myself, always have. I just think it's unfair to blame her unhappiness with his low libido entirely on him, because I don't think he did all that much of a bait and switch. Little bit... not a lot. He was never Mr. Let's Go Anytime.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 88
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/3/2013 6:28:56 PM
Helen, agree! That was more for HappySingle who thinks that no sex is no big deal. It's just that for *some* of us it is. And once tricked, twice shy.
 Maid-merry-on
Joined: 3/27/2013
Msg: 89
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/3/2013 6:44:25 PM
Try having a (well now ex bf) who rarely wanted it. When we did he seemed to love it but in between....I almost had to beg for sex. I'm a highly sexual woman and love sex. When I tried to talk to him he'd discount or minimize that part of our relationship like it wasn't important. I wasn't happy but thankfully we didn't have a baby together so it was easy to leave him when he said he wouldn't change.

In your case, you have a child and there's more at stake however, don't give up on your happiness to appease him or to keep him around.
 jokerboy21
Joined: 1/27/2013
Msg: 90
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/3/2013 7:38:28 PM
he just doesnt want to be with you i promise you i was in a relationship just like that cause when we first got togther we had sex all the time but when i got tired of her and didnt want to be with her i never told her i just stayed with her and i never wanted to have sex with her and when she ask me why i didnt want to have sex i would give her some excuss saying that i didnt like sex all the time but it was a lie i just didnt want to have sex with her
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 91
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/3/2013 10:21:06 PM
I hear ya, woobytoodsday.

And Notinterested5891, I feel for you. You're going to have a decision to make, and there's no real good option. I wish there were.
 Conquistidor
Joined: 10/25/2007
Msg: 92
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/4/2013 12:21:28 AM
Let me give you the cold hard truth. This may sting but hey it's honesty. It's something that you are not doing.
To the ladies out there reading this: Any guy who doesn't want to sleep with you, especially a guy who you're "going out" with, maybe look at yourself for the reason.

1) Feminine hygene (I think you know what I mean).... 2) The way you kiss..... 3) Boredom in the bedroom. 4) Are you 100% sure he is not doing other women, I mean really? 4) You say this happened AFTER you had a kid with him? He won't see a therapist with you? Maybe because he is afraid of hurting your feelings in the sessions? 5 ) Is it his kid? Does he think that it's not his kid? That could have a lot to do with decreased sex drive... Retrace your steps. What are YOU doing or not doing? You say that you come up with solutions, and "solve the problems" but he is not compromising....
 Conquistidor
Joined: 10/25/2007
Msg: 93
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/4/2013 12:28:52 AM
LOL!! Ill tell you the truth "Shellbehappy"... In many cases the guy can't perform because of: 1) Feminine hygene . 2) her lack of toothpaste and gum 3) improper foreplay on her part.

Bottom line in simpler terms: If she tastes like salmon, her breath smells like mouldy cottage cheese, when he kisses her, and she doesn't know how to properly pleasure a guy, he's not going to get hard, and probably won't be interested.

Truth stings I know.
 AquanGold
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 94
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/4/2013 4:17:30 AM
Op,
I`m sorry to say, you need to end the relationship with your BF.

Every time I try to talk to him about it, he basically tells me he is how he is and he won't change :(

Its clear you and him aren`t on the same page when it comes to your needs.
Its unhealthy at your age to have to beg a 34 year old man to make love. Its worse, when he`s uncaring and isn`t interested in pleasing you.
Eventually, you`ll grow tired of this act, find another mate and move on. Don`t waste your time attempting to figure this man out.. Good Luck..
 Notinterested5891
Joined: 7/29/2012
Msg: 95
view profile
History
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/4/2013 8:45:56 AM
Conquistador:
It is not even close to being those things... I shower 2x more than he does...sometimes he goes 3 days without showering and I would still do him...
He is also a smoker and doesn't brush his teeth a lot. You would think I'd be repulsed but we just don't really kiss much :(
I also know what I am doing and he told me when we first met that he never liked certain things until I did them... I also have a bunches exes who would jump at the chance if there ever was one.

Hayley1804
I have kind of given up on getting sum. He told me once that he likes initiating and if I would give Nima chance, I'd get more booty.
Sometimes I won't initiate things for a month to see what would happen... And I think he either didn't initiate or I got sum one time...

I don't think I have a sex addiction. I just like having sex with my man...
 rod1919us
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 96
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History
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/11/2013 7:20:14 PM
He probably tired of having sex with her.

Sorry, but sex with the same girl over and over can get a little boring...

Just sayin!
 betrys69
Joined: 4/8/2013
Msg: 97
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/12/2013 7:30:50 PM
My bf did the same thing to me but I figured out he had a porn addiction consider that I read all the stop being lazy crap someone wrote but guess what?He was being lazy when I confronted him he said it was easier and faster to do it himself and didn't have to do anythingso its not always the girls fault maybe men are just selfish
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 98
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/12/2013 8:09:07 PM

go see a doctor when you have a disease.
not being interested in sex is not a disease.

the problem is not the fact that your boyfriend is not interested in sex.
the problem is not the fact that you are interested in sex.

the problem is that you are paired up.

there are several solutions, but i think you can think of them yourself....


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 Pisces22469
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 99
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/13/2013 10:46:23 AM
only in his 30's & doesn't want sex with you.
I would have to think he is getting it somewhere. Either by himself or with someone else.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 100
view profile
History
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/13/2013 11:07:35 AM
Happ: Fine to be any degree of sexless that one is built with. But a crime to *pretend* to be one in order to "capture" a mate, and then revert to the other when the deed's done. In the commercial world, it's called Bait & Switch. Nasty stuff.


Hey  wooby
I never said anything about sexless. WTF ???? You’re confusing sexless (as in not having a sexual gender) with people who are not sexually attracted to others. Please educate yourself before attacking people.

I don’t see him pretending. You can assume and judge all you want. You don’t have to agree with me. I didn’t ask you to. I also never said it’s not a big deal. Where do you get this stuff??? It’s a very big deal if you’re in love and have a kid. There are two people who are in this relationship. He is not any more responsible than her.

The assumption that he has tricked her and lied to her is not fair in my opinion as many asexuals try to enjoy sex to fit in or it feels good at the time, or he wants to please her. Many don’t even know asexuality is an orientation. How can anyone be upfront about something they don’t even know exists. I merely suggested he may be asexual because of his disinterest in sex. Nothing else. So get off my back lady.
 dreeaamm
Joined: 4/9/2013
Msg: 101
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/13/2013 1:34:45 PM
There are lots of differing replies on this thread.....so I'm going to attempt to tread quite carefully.
Mostly people make judgements based on their own subjective experience which can undoubtedly be incredibly rich and valuable. The downside is.......that sometimes they are limited....for a number reasons.
The original post is, as I understand, not uncommon...of a woman with a man who appears to not want to have sex.
And then the question of why or what's wrong naturally arises.....
The person who wants sex is seen as having the problem...firstly and simply....because they deem that they are not getting something that they want/need. So how to get it....often becomes the next avenue of natural exploration.....to find out what it is that their partner might or might not need... in order to get sex....and sometimes it's something as simple as finding out what that individual unique guy needs...might be as simple as a cuddle......and in some other situations.....it's far more serious than what was first thought.
And I'm going to go out on a limb now and suggest that this is one of the more serious scenarios.
To 'notinterested' I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I am.....and I'm afraid that there is very little that you may be able to do to change the situation. I'm sure many people on this forum are intelligent enough to know that you can't change your partner...or pretty much anyone else...that you can only change your response to your partner....and see if it helps.
As an example, let's say the scapegoat in a particular family does an incredible amount of personal development work....enough to not want to accept being treated as the scapegoat anymore. The other family members don't usually, easily or willingly alter the family script at the first chance they get. You see... the scapegoat serves the family much purpose, and it's always worked well and been like that. It's like if the scapegoat script has always worked, why would the other family members want to learn a different script??? just because the scapegoat is saying they don't want to be seen in that light anymore. Far easier to stay with the original script. If the scapegoat continues to push for greater change, a crucible will come into play. And then a choice will need to be made....the scapegoat will either have to stand their ground and demand the other members of his/her family change the script or go back to being treated as the scapegoat. More often than not, the scapegoat has to leave if they want to be treated differently. Sometimes people say...my god I didn't realise how serious you were....pls don't go....and I'll make the changes you require so you will stay.
Now I know it sounds like bullying ...."if you don't increase the quantity of our sex life, I'll leave".......but if it's true for you...that you really do want more sex....and your partner does not want to give it.......it's you that has to make the decision.....because if you stay....then it's you who will possibly be accepting a life without it....and you will then need to own it. I'm on nightshift right now...and have to stop....but I can explain more.....if you like. It's not actually about bullying or pushing someone into a corner...it might seem like that's a consequence...but it's about standing up in your own integrity......and the hard part...standing up without knowing what will happen.
take care
tara.
 DonJ77
Joined: 2/8/2013
Msg: 102
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/13/2013 4:37:30 PM
I didn't read all the responses, but after what you described, that his desire for sex actually went down after the baby...

I would go to a therapist. Even if he doesn't have a high sex drive, there might be something wrong.
 cajuncooker
Joined: 3/3/2013
Msg: 103
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/16/2013 9:34:45 AM
Some men are just not big into physical attention and touch. To be honest I can see kind of where your boyfriend is comming from to a point. I am not big on sex and once a month or every six weeks is fine with me. It dosent mean that I love that person I am with any less. It just means maybe I am not built the same as her.
I find that sex for me is like a chore more then enjoyment. It a chore like mowing the lawn or changing the oil in the car or doing dishes. Its something to maintain a relationship. Thats all. I am the same way about holding hands and cuddleing and kissing.
Some people dont enjoy sex everyday or once a week.
 Schatzi2015
Joined: 3/3/2013
Msg: 104
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/20/2013 8:15:48 AM
Maybe, he cares for you, but isn't sexually attracted to you...
Its possible to care for someone without finding them attractive...
 cajuncooker
Joined: 3/3/2013
Msg: 105
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/20/2013 9:52:31 AM
According to therapists and doctors there can be stressors that cause a lot of people to lose sex drive;
- Job loss
- financhial problems
- Problems at work
- death or loss of a close freind, family memember or pet
- Stress about sexual performance
- too much pornography ( some people become so addicted they cannot perfom with out watching it)
- Medications and interactions of those medication
- mental/ physical/physcolgoical disorders
- lack of spicing it up
those are jsut some of the stressors, then also there are some religious reasons such as catholics only believe in sex to procreate
Muslims believe sex is a mans right and not the womans
other religious upbringing in some denominations say that sex even in marriage is dirty and evil.
there are also people that from a physical cleanliness point of view dont like it (it you are taking something that is urinated out of near something that is deficated out of and putting it in something that bleeds and is peed out of near something that is deficated out of) for example.
then there are some people that just do not like physical touch and are space consiecne. they have a bubble.
then there is the fact that they may be attracted but the touch does not feel as good as it could or there isnt a spark there.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 106
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/20/2013 10:58:18 AM

This is just my own view, but if he has stopped being interested in sex, something is seriously wrong!

No, he hasn't stopped, he never did have much interest in it. It's just gone down even further is all. But right from the start, he wasn't big on it.

Some people just have a low libido. It doesn't mean they're unhealthy. It does make them a bad match for those whose sex drive is stronger.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 107
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/20/2013 10:58:23 AM
you two have very different sex drives, but what i am trying to figure out is why you had a baby with this guy? shouldn't you have figured out that the two of you were not compatible before dragging a poor little innocent baby into the situation? you two don't belong together. you are not going to be satisfied sexually and emotionally by a man that only wants to have sex with you once a month. frivolous, vapid, clueless, and irresponsible are some of the adjectives that come to mind.
 aremeself
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 108
view profile
History
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/21/2013 11:33:35 PM
well, it's you guyses problem, what to do.

reason number 248 to break up.
 Lava73
Joined: 3/23/2013
Msg: 109
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/25/2013 3:35:50 PM
Gotta love the forum folks who don't answer the question but rather judge you. You know who you are and nobody likes you except fellow forum judgers that think they're in a position to judge. Glass houses I assure you, been around online forums long enough to know.

Anyway to the OP- antidepressants, drugs, low testosterone or he doesn't like sex or just not with you. Many reasons but From a male perspective Something's not right.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 110
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/25/2013 6:31:02 PM

From a male perspective Something's not right


Why do you say that???? Are you assuming ALL men would phuck a hole in the wall if given the chance????? There are many men out there that don't "do" sex and not all reasons are mental or physical.

And here we are the "informed" and "intelligent" species.

I do have to agree though,OP, that your "relationship" with this guy is in big trouble,body fluid swapping or not.
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 111
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 4/26/2013 2:15:10 AM
Take the conversation away from the actuall topic of sex for a moment, and focus on what is causing the lack of intamac. After a babyI it is fairly common OP. If he won't go with you to therapy, start by yourself, and he may be more inclined to join you. It could be a million and one things, but your feelings need to be heard. Blessings
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