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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?      Home login  
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 shes_the_one
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 26
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Thanks TheAnswerGuy, :-) sometimes I do have the occassional good idea! Glad you agree!
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 27
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First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 12:08:16 PM
I must live on a different planet.

Zero negotiating. Any guy insensitive for my concern for safety is DELETED. No email back, no anything. This is not up for bargaining, discussion or anything else.

I would expect any man to respect my right to be concerned. Once I expressed some hesitation his next message would be one of understanding and acceptance.
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 28
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 12:12:45 PM
I can see where he doesn't want to sit at a table and talk if he's not comfortable with that. You don't say what your counter offer was. Perhaps you need to get a few books out of the libary on negotiating (eg "Getting to Yes") before resuming this online conversation. Or ask if there is somewhere you would both be okay, for example, a high school with a running track. You could walk for as long as you like in plain view and still be near the car.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 29
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 12:23:49 PM
I've had coffee meets, and park meets...every time, we were BOTH agreeable to the location and time and BOTH felt safe.

You have stated you are not comfy with the location he has chose, and he is not comfy with a coffee meet...sounds to me like you just need to meet someone else. It shouldn t be this difficult, and both people should feel safe.

Personally, if someone states they wouldnt feel safe meeting somewhere, that should be the end of that venue until they know one another, and if someone pushes, it is a bad sign. (not that they are dangerous, but that they disregard your need to feel safe)
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 30
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First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 12:30:10 PM
If a guy is truly interested in a gal he would meet her anywhere...even in a dumpster. What's the worse that can happen to a male on a meet? He meets the evil witch from hell and at least has a story to tell his friends. In contrast a woman has legitimate trepidations. The proper answer to this fellow would be 'Thanks, sounds great but for the first meeting, I'd prefer (fill in the blank) .....let's go to that park once we get to know each other'. This guy should then respect this and go with this woman's request.
 LakotaAnn
Joined: 5/17/2010
Msg: 31
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First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 12:57:58 PM
Go with your gut instinct. While I agree coffee is mundane, offer to bring a light picnic lunch, perhaps he could bring the water, soda, iced coffee whatever works. If he still insists on the walk, I would decline , wish him well, and move on.
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 32
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 1:13:42 PM
Coffee 'meets' don't work anyway. I just had one for lunch break and didn't even invite a woman to it. Same outcome, half the cost. I'd do anything BUT a coffee meet that's limited to 20 minutes. If you cannot deviate from that iron rule, you're not the woman for me anyway.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 33
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 1:24:01 PM

Coffee 'meets' don't work anyway.


OP...this poster is only correct in that they dont work for him.

Personally, I met the current love of my life over a coffee.....Ive said it before and will again-when 2 people meet who are attracted, it can be over coffee, or dogpoop....it wont matter if the two are connecting. The main point is to feel comfortable. Seeing as poster who hates coffee dates hates coffee dates, he will not be comfy at a coffee date and he will always be the self fullfilling prophecy-in that coffee dates wont work for him, ever.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 34
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 1:24:01 PM
By the sounds of it, it looks like there are only two places in your city where the public is allowed-the local coffee shop and the park, so a compromise is totally out of the question. You are banned from going anywhere else. What happens if the guy gives in to your preferred venue of coffee shop and doesn't offer to buy you a doughnut there? Would you kick him to the curb and call him a cheap SOB? It's turning into the battle of the titans to see who will break first and who will reign victorious by getting their way. Actually meeting and talking to each other would be anti-climatic.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 35
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 1:29:17 PM
Do they even have parks in Buffalo???? Like the ones that have trees and stuff. I mean, with the amount of snow and everything, I wouldn't even think there is enough sun to grow anything.
 msright78
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 36
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 3:17:54 PM
I would have to agree with some of the ppl on here who mentioned that ur not comfortable with the arrangement and how the guy won't back down from meeting u there.

I think that's a huge red flag for me. A meet doesn't matter where it is, it should be in the comfort zone of U. Because we're girls, we need to protect ourselves first therefore if the other person isn't understanding of that nature then u should just call it quits and move on.

Why should u change ur rules. Rules are what keeps us safe and grounded.

So if in this particular park there's a place for u to park ur car and if there's a waiting bench or something, then sure u can meet him there but if u have to park ur car and be atleast a block away from it then go with ur instincts.
 MuscularVampire
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 37
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 3:27:46 PM
Rules in general are silly. Why do we have "rules" Rules only limit us to doing things. Why not just forget about having rules.

personally, I do not want to meet someone for a 20 minutes. That to me is a waste of time.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 38
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First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 3:35:07 PM

Personally, I met the current love of my life over a coffee.....Ive said it before and will again-when 2 people meet who are attracted, it can be over coffee, or dogpoop....it wont matter if the two are connecting.


Same here. My man was a perfect gentleman and did everything to make me feel comfortable. I had 8 first meets and was aware of my safety on every one. I chose the location and time. A couple of times after I got a feel for a man, we walked over to a nearby winebar. Anyways, I chose a coffee shop that was public and bright. Never had a man decline.
 RedCapSue
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 39
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 3:49:46 PM
When you are first meeting someone its not a huge thing to have a quick meet if that is what makes a person (male or female ) comfy. Because if its a positive meet there potentially can be more, longer meets that satisfy both partners If someone isn't willing to do this for at least the first meet (lots of people don't like quick meets but some feel safer) then they really don't care about YOU, your feelings and its a big in your face sign your not compatible. I personally would have no interest in a gentleman who's big concern was himself being bored vs you feeling safe. But hey that's me. Call me silly :)

Although I agree with Stupidoo that we often do the dump him thing for every little hiccup. I DO think this one is a biggie though and shows a tendency towards self centeredness.

I would explain to the gentleman my feelings on the matter. Tell him its a safety thing and its up to him if he accepts or not. Otherwise I wouldn't make plans with him period. Probably if he doesn't want to do it then its most likely not going to be the end of the world for him either :)

Red
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 40
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 3:57:44 PM

when 2 people meet who are attracted, it can be over coffee, or dogpoop

I'll take dogpoop, please. It may work when two people accidentally meet at a coffee shop, but a prearranged setup for 20 minutes has never worked for me nor anyone I know. If I ever HAVE to go on one of those I'll bring a chess clock and put 10 minutes on each side. We can hit the button when we talk. When the first flag falls, it's time to go.

On second thought, I should just decline. Most people don't drink coffee late in the day, and when the sun is high I feel like on a job interview rather than on a date. It's not the self-fulfilling prophecy. It's the whole ambiente and the time pressure. I'd rather speed date or star in a porn movie, both are more romantic than Starbucks.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 41
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 5:58:51 PM

If a guy hates coffee meets or says they are boring to him, he is most likely not going to give off good vibes at one


But she is suppose to go somewhere she does not want to?


It's always a "safety" thing on threads like this even though time and time again it is pointed out that studies and statistics show that in most cases people are assaulted, killed, murdered, raped, kidnapped, and molested by someone they know than by a complete stranger.


Doesn't matter what the stats are, she is not comfortable going for a walk in the park with the guy until she has at least met him. It is not just about safety, it is about her personal comfort levels. If the guy can't respect that, they are not a match.
 LaughingHeart12
Joined: 3/24/2012
Msg: 42
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 7:04:08 PM
OP, stick to your guns. Do what YOU are comfortable with. If a man doesn't want to respect that, then he's not someone you want to spend time with anyway.
 AvailableinIndy
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 43
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 7:05:42 PM
I don't drink coffee so I could never do a coffee meet. lol
 ArtDeVivre777
Joined: 3/2/2013
Msg: 44
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 8:27:38 PM
First meet can tell you a lot about men.

I prefer to meet for drinks the first time,I make it very clear, as I hate coffee meets in my area, all coffeee shops are overcrowded most of the time :( too many ppl in my area lol

I am not going for a walk with a stranger. Second date going for a walk is fine if I want to.

I used to be very nice,too nice with men I used to meet,but not any longer, I got some standards now .

For me, men can be put into 2 categories:

-pleasers/givers , someone who likes to please a woman they date,those guys let you chose a location and time,they are usually those guys who take you to a movie and dinner dates later on ,bring you flowers etc. The first date is a great indicatior how much effort he is ready to put into dating you if things develop.

- guys who argued with me on the first date location, made it tough,were never a good relationship material for me to be honest. They wanted everything my way or high way type of thing. I do not even bother any longer to go out with guys who can't say yes to my first date idea, very nice ,moderately priced local pub in my area.

As funny as it sounds, first date can tell you a lot about his personality,how much gent he is or not.

Since I became more selective and tough, the quality of men I date improved incredibly.
 Curt2.0
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 45
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 8:37:47 PM
I'm really looking forward to the sequel of this thread where the OP has met the guy but, like all men, he was just trying to get laid.
 Deepseaceecee
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 46
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 9:15:21 PM
If he is so insistent I have to wonder why. What if you dont hit it off??. Then you are stuck for two hours with a stranger you would rather not be with. If he wont co-operate, forget him. If he is being so demanding now imagine what he would be like in the future. If you have talked on the phone and videoed then it is up to you to use your gut instinct and remember there are all sorts of creeps on here. You dont have a car obviously and are vulnerable. I wouldnt do it. Too many other guys to choose from.
 mingogo
Joined: 1/15/2013
Msg: 47
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First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 9:24:49 PM
I did have a few more suggestions, drinks/icecream/light lunch/antique mall, all of which he declined. I even said I would go for the walk with him if we could sit and do coffee for a bit first. He still refused, and said he just wanted to walk.

I know I said I like to keep the first meeting brief, but perhaps I worded that wrong. I meant that I like to PLAN a brief meeting, if it goes beyond that it is no problem with me. I've had a few coffee dates turn into 4 hour dates, and that was fine. However to have that type of commitment before you even meet someone is not appealing to me.

I basically told him thank you, but I was going to have to pass. Thanks for the advice though.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 48
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 9:32:53 PM
I did have a few more suggestions, drinks/icecream/light lunch/antique mall, all of which he declined. I even said I would go for the walk with him if we could sit and do coffee for a bit first. He still refused, and said he just wanted to walk.

You'd think ONE of those would've been acceptable! Or that he could've come up with an alternate himself, too.

I'm very glad - relieved, in full truth - to hear that you declined. Thanks for letting us know here.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 49
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 9:48:31 PM
Big red flag... "he will not back down"...

sorry, OP, but here's my take - if I'm interested in someone from "online" who I've never met, my first priority is *meeting* them, regardless of where or for how long. I might spend 5 minutes with them and have zero interest and no attraction at all (although I'd stick out a coffee 'date' for a while out of politeness).

Making "demands" before you've even met is a *really* bad sign for the future.
 staffmom
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 50
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/1/2013 10:20:34 PM
If you two can't agree on a 'first meet' just think about the chances of you working through BIG issues in a relationship. Both of you need to politely move on to find someone more compatible to each.
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