Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 AdriaticMind
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 51
view profile
History
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
My advice is not to meet him at all! Seriously, a man who is that pushy and insensitive to your comfort needs from the get-go is not good news. YES, your intuition is right, and women need to obey it more often. Find a better guy, OP. :)
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 52
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 4:37:54 AM

all of which he declined

And that's when you dump him.


However to have that type of commitment before you even meet someone

Before you post about your next guy, get the idea of commitment out of your head. If you are stuck on a plane you are committed to the time it takes. However, virtually all dating activities can be stopped on a dime. You can leave within the second of something fishy going on. You may still have a bit of a drive, but in your own car that would not count towards the date anymore because you leave him behind. If the prospect of driving a certain distance is too much, maybe you're not that interested in the guy.
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 53
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 4:49:20 AM

it could have ended up a case of bush push.

A good date can always end like that. lol
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 54
view profile
History
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 5:01:11 AM
We have rules or standards for a reason. It's not a silly rule. I'd let him go. His attitude really bugs me and I almost always listen to my radar.
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 55
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 5:09:52 AM

Not sure if I should swallow my silly rules and just go with him? Or go with my gut and tell him thank you but no thanks.


- Always go with your gut. People love to rationalize about dating, but there is nothing rational about it. In fact, this whole love thing is really quite silly.
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 56
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 6:48:30 AM
There are many other things people can do on a first date / meeting that are fairly inexpensive. I don't do coffee dates either. But I would make other suggestions if a woman didn't like my first idea.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 57
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 7:04:42 AM

simplecltman, you are a real playboy if you can figure how to make a coffee meet sexy.


Make is sexy? How about just talking and getting to know the person you are with? I am not worried about making it sexy. I am interested in getting to know this person. I am concentrating on THEM! I am listening to THEM! We are talking about what we have in common and what we don't. I am looking into her eyes. I am enjoying her company. It doesn't matter where you go and what you do as long as you both are comfortable.

I don't know if that is sexy, but it seems to work in getting to know someone. That is why I don't understand why a coffee date is such a big deal if you really WANT to get to know someone.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 58
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 7:23:12 AM

I did have a few more suggestions, drinks/icecream/light lunch/antique mall, all of which he declined. I even said I would go for the walk with him if we could sit and do coffee for a bit first. He still refused, and said he just wanted to walk.

I know I said I like to keep the first meeting brief, but perhaps I worded that wrong. I meant that I like to PLAN a brief meeting, if it goes beyond that it is no problem with me. I've had a few coffee dates turn into 4 hour dates, and that was fine. However to have that type of commitment before you even meet someone is not appealing to me.

I basically told him thank you, but I was going to have to pass. Thanks for the advice though.


OP---since he was unwilling to compromise with you and meet you halfway, I think you made the right decision by canceling the meet. If I had been in your shoes, I would have done the same thing. He sounded too controlling for my taste.
 mingogo
Joined: 1/15/2013
Msg: 59
view profile
History
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 7:24:03 AM
I love the people following my posts, acting as if I am sitting here breathlessly waiting for replies so that I can make a decision.
I enjoy discussion, I am a very analytic person, who ENJOYS analyizing situations and gathering the opinions of others. What better place to do that than a forum? My goodness, if I post something, it is because later the next day I know I will enjoy reading through the responses, and perhaps I will obtain some knowlege I didn't have before or a perspective I had not seen. You seem as if I am psychotic. But until I break any rules (which I don't plan to), I will enjoy posting situations or even just general questions that I have been pondering. If you don't like it, it's fairly easy to spot my username, don't read it!
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 60
view profile
History
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 7:41:30 AM
Ok I get it... you are 22 and you are in a process of developing your life purpose and healthy boundaries, preferences, life choices.... the trouble is your peers... males especially at your age.. are only interested in fast furious action and are not yet mature enough to realize or even desire the true quality you bring to an authentic relationship... I was one of them too... dont compromise your boundaries ever.... for anyone, never, ever


you have choices:
date a more mature age group that matches your life goals
dont date at all.. just have lots of friends of both genders in group social settings
wait 10+ years for males to mature at your level
hide out in a convent
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 61
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 8:06:48 AM

I told him this, but he will not back down. Simply said coffee was too boring and mundane and what everyone did. I'm a bit off put by his reluctance to meet briefly first, however I may be the unreasonable one here, and perhaps he just really hates the whole brief first meeting.



I basically told him thank you, but I was going to have to pass. Thanks for the advice though.


Good! People like that guy are the worst possible mates. You told him what you were comfortable with and he didn’t care. You even offered compromises, that he shot down. Pfft. Never never even consider a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about what you feel or want and must have his way. Never. Bright side? At least you found out early and didn’t waste a minute on that zero.


Well, I know a lot of people on here will also scoff at the coffee meet, and they seem like perfectly reasonable, datable people. So perhaps my "first meet" rule needs to be rethought, that is all I was getting at.


I hear what you’re saying, but in internet dating, I think its far more important to notice how someone handles proposed compromise and your thoughts and feelings than it is to be accommodating to someone you don't have any connection to. No, you don’t have to rethink wanting a brief coffee meeting. It’s a common method, not some horrible offense or burden you’re forcing on someone.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 62
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 9:04:53 AM

I told him this, but he will not back down. Simply said coffee was too boring and mundane and what everyone did.


I personally would not do the coffee thing, because they are always a waste of time and feel like an interview. So I think, because neither one was able to come to the middle, you get what you get.

Also, whenever in the past I've had some lady that felt too uncomfortable for this or that and started to throw caveats, it did not go well right off the bat. I prefer to even simply cancel those.

I am also not into parks for a first date. Too many intangibles in place. I prefer a restaurant. It doesn't have to be fancy, but a place where you go, you sit, there are tons of people around. And both parties arrive there on their own accord.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 63
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 10:11:01 AM

Lunch is the interview, coffee is the cheap date :0)


Any first meet is like an interview. You are trying to put your best face forward to someone so that they would like you. I expect someone to ask me interview kind of questions during a date. I look forward to it. No question is out of bounds so they can get to know me and I can get to know them.

Does it matter how much someone spends on a first meet? I am only there to get to know a person. That is how you initially get see the person face to face. Most of my coffee/tea/meet for drink dates are an hour or two. We discuss life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and flirt a little if there is a connection. I don't mind going all out on later dates, if there is a connection. However on a first meet, I just want to know the person in a simple low key way. I just hope money doesn't get in the way of knowing someone.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 64
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 11:53:31 AM

I personally would not do the coffee thing, because they are always a waste of time and feel like an interview. So I think, because neither one was able to come to the middle, you get what you get.

Well, it wasn't really that "neither one" could come to the middle when she:

I did have a few more suggestions, drinks/icecream/light lunch/antique mall, all of which he declined. I even said I would go for the walk with him if we could sit and do coffee for a bit first. He still refused, and said he just wanted to walk.

She at least attempted to suggest other things, and he refused to consider any of them other than "what he wanted".

The idea of dating involves actually meeting the person, which should be on terms both are comfortable with. That is generally easier when you are flexible and not stuck on "my way or nothing", which he seemed to have been.
 vanityfair55
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 65
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 1:38:32 PM
I can't think of any place more boring than a coffee shop!
 shes_the_one
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 66
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 2:13:11 PM
I love how a few of the comments are mentioning that if the op goes to the park she'll be "stuck with him for 2 hours if they don't hit it off."
It's not a carnival ride! There is no hard and fast rule that states you have to walk the entire park! Walk in one direction for 15 minutes, then turn around and walk back. Please for the love of chocolate tell me I'm not the only woman seeing the ridiculousness of this.
I understand it may be weird that he shot down other ideas for this one. Get the serial rapist out of the picture for a minute, what if....he's really a romantic guy and has a picnic planned and wants to surprise her? What if he wants to bring his dog? What if he is claustrophobic is small areas? What if he's had other meet and greets where the woman took the lead and determined everything and he's finally standing up for himself. The list of possibilities is endless. No one knows his thoughts except for him.
I'm not saying lower your standards, but, if we (myself included) don't give guys a reasonable chance and not waving a red flag at every little thing we could very well miss the oportunity of meeting the one man that could change our life. And if we don't take the risk and meet them, I can guarantee you there is a woman out there that will.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 67
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 2:34:08 PM

I understand it may be weird that he shot down other ideas for this one. Get the serial rapist out of the picture for a minute, what if....he's really a romantic guy and has a picnic planned and wants to surprise her?


And what if she isn't one that likes "surprise parties", especially from someone she's never even met?


What if he wants to bring his dog? What if he is claustrophobic is small areas?


Did he say any of these things? She offered various other things, I didn't hear anything mentioned about him having or bringing a dog, if she knew that she probably could have suggested other things. Or is she supposed to be a mind-reader and know he wants to bring his dog, or is claustrophobic, even though he didn't mention it?


What if he's had other meet and greets where the woman took the lead and determined everything and he's finally standing up for himself. The list of possibilities is endless.


Ahhh, I see... so she is "imagining" the 'serial rapist' and must be wrong for her caution. He, on the other hand, would be completely ok in "imagining" her to be the same as his prior meet & greets that all took the lead and determined everything? Seems like that's a "pot, meet kettle" argument.


No one knows his thoughts except for him.


Quite right, except that getting to really know his thoughts would mean discussion right? And, quite honestly, she sounds like she made other suggestions, even to meeting for coffee and then the walk, none of which were 'acceptable' to him - so she suggested going for ice cream (maybe he doesn't like ice cream?), going for drinks (maybe he doesn't drink?), coffee and then the walk (maybe he doesn't like coffee?), light lunch (maybe he doesn't eat?!?)... apparently they don't have any of those things in common, not a good start to a relationship... well, one might start wondering why he isn't offering *even one* other suggestion.

You're right, "no one knows his thoughts except him", and that's also the *problem* here, because he obviously can't communicate them very well or come up with any other ideas. She let him know that she didn't like the walk idea, she offered other suggestions, and I'm sure she would have been open to other suggestions from him - but he had none.
 shes_the_one
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 68
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 2:52:38 PM
(edited to remove the possibility of getting into a debate)
 OfftheFairway
Joined: 1/31/2013
Msg: 69
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 4:08:01 PM
I agree with OP.

A meet and greet at a Coffee shop or quiet pub/bar is crucial. I will not bend my rules, why commit to a lengthy date when you might not get along at all? I've meant my share of crazy women already from POF, if I was subjected to a 3 hour date with no escape It would have been awful!
 varyk
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 70
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 4:14:39 PM
Absolutely, coffee is causal and no pressure scenario! It's quick and you can pretty much tell if you are going to want to see this person again and well if you or he are totally turned off, you don't have to pretend or sit through the conventional lunch or dinner route:-) If the coffee date works then you can move to either a lunch date or dinner date depending on comfort level.

And FYI its a huge red flag... if a guy is pushy and appears to be inflexible, girl, it's better you let that one go, cuz there are plenty of OTHER Fish in the sea who are a much better fit for you!
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 71
view profile
History
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 4:20:42 PM
He is already testing your resolve and boundaries and you haven't even met yet, they are not silly rules at all it's common sense, you have no idea who this person is, just words on a monitor, if this is him being on his best behaviour your in trouble, runaway as fast as you can would be my advice.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 72
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 4:25:40 PM

Not sure if I should swallow my silly rules and just go with him?

Only if you like controlling dumbasses.

I mean

he asked me to meet him for a walk around a beautiful park...It makes me a bit uneasy...I told him this...he will not back down

He asked, you came up with an alternative where you would feel more comfortable.
He is not respecting your comfort level, your desires, basically you.


coffee was too boring and mundane and what everyone did.

So what.
The first meet/date place is completely arbitrary outside of safety concerns.
It's not where you go, it's what you do with, or towards, each other once you get there.
If it's mundane, then he's part of making it mundane.
If he's asking you to go to a place that is a landmark, heavily populated, tourist attraction, then it's also what everyone does.
So the only reason to demand you go there is to see if he can control you and make you go there.
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 73
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 7:40:14 PM

I can't think of any place more boring than a coffee shop!


I agree. I think coffee dates are boring. I would rather do something that is more exciting and still relatively inexpensive. Dave & Busters, mini golf, a game of pool, a festival, watching part of a game at a sports bar etc. These types of dates can also help someone that is a little bit shy, nervous, guarded etc at first become more relaxed and outgoing. In general I had a better time at these dates even if it didn't work out. Yet I still could finish the date without spending multiple hours if it ended up being a terrible date.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 74
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 7:47:39 PM
I find it funny when people suggest a coffee shop for an initial meet because what comes to mind is: What better way to overcome the nerves and jitters of meeting someone for the first time than getting a jolt of caffeine? That will calm the nerves-not.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 75
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 7:58:32 PM


I can't think of any place more boring than a coffee shop!


I agree. I think coffee dates are boring. I would rather do something that is more exciting and still relatively inexpensive. Dave & Busters, mini golf, a game of pool, a festival, watching part of a game at a sports bar etc. These types of dates can also help someone that is a little bit shy, nervous, guarded etc at first become more relaxed and outgoing. In general I had a better time of these dates even if it didn't work out. Yet I still could finish the date without spending multiple hours if it ended up being a terrible date.


Wouldn't argue that at all 35brock... but if she suggested coffee or drinks instead of mini-golf, would you be saying "nope, mini-golf or *nothing*"? You'd probably suggest a few drinks at a bar with a pool table, or that sports bar right?

I think that's the point here - a coffee date can be boring, but if you're gonna suggest 'seafood' and she's allergic to seafood, you'd better be willing to come up with other options, or not meet at all, not just sit there insisting on seafood.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?