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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?      Home login  
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 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 76
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Wouldn't argue that at all 35brock... but if she suggested coffee or drinks instead of mini-golf, would you be saying "nope, mini-golf or *nothing*"? You'd probably suggest a few drinks at a bar with a pool table, or that sports bar right?


Exactly. I will often suggest at least 2 or 3 different places. She can pick what she likes the most from that list. In the rare case that she doesn't like anything that I suggested, then I will ask her what she wants to do and we can figure out some type of compromise.
 Orionthehunter9
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 77
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/2/2013 8:55:04 PM
So many of you here are uptight sucks including countless women who have posted. The guy simply wants to do something that isn't a complete snoozefest. He doesn't want to waste his time. You get to know and see people by doing things, not by sitting on your ass ordering overpriced pretentious lattes. He needs to move on from YOU plain and simple. If you need to over think a walk in the park you've got problems. Stop dating now. Please. Same for a bunch more of you.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 78
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 5:44:49 AM

So many of you here are uptight sucks including countless women who have posted. The guy simply wants to do something that isn't a complete snoozefest. He doesn't want to waste his time. You get to know and see people by doing things, not by sitting on your ass ordering overpriced pretentious lattes. He needs to move on from YOU plain and simple. If you need to over think a walk in the park you've got problems. Stop dating now. Please. Same for a bunch more of you.


The point isn't that he wanted to do something different. The point is that he wasn't flexible with doing something different. I have met women who don't want to do coffee and we will do a beer, wine, smoothies, cheesecake factory, or even at McDonald's because she managed the store there. I don't even like McDonalds... However, I was flexible enough to work out something. I am saying you don't have to do coffee, but you also cannot say either this or we won't meet. If you are truly interested in a person for dating, you will work it out.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 79
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First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 5:51:17 AM
The OP suggested several alternatives to the coffee meet she initially wanted. Thus, she demonstrated that she was flexible and willing to negotiate within her comfort zone.

The dude, on the other hand, insisted that his idea of a walk in the park was the only acceptable one, and thus demonstrated a level of control issues and need to have it his way, which, especially paired with his chosen venue, crossed the line from being merely inflexible to downright creepy.

Good job for saying no to this one, OP.
 Orionthehunter9
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 80
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 5:59:04 AM
^^^^^

In her post she offered no alternatives. And he was inflexible in that he thinks coffee houses are stupid. That was it. So do many of us here who have any sort of imagination and view a first meeting a little less cynically than a parole hearing.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 81
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 6:00:28 AM
I think OP has given several suggestions and if the man refuses, I too would refuse. Although she may not get raped in the park, this is not a good suggestion for a meeting.. a second or third date.. absolutely! I love walking in the park, but would feel strange with a man I did not know or trust. She has good boundaries and he sounds like he is not going to budge on anything. I would move on and find someone who can see both sides of the story and not someone who has to do things all his way.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 84
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First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 6:36:52 AM
In post 58, the OP stated that, as alternatives to the coffee shop, she suggested ice cream, drinks, a light lunch, and an antiques mall.

She's not the unreasonable, inflexible one in this scenario.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 85
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First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 6:49:55 AM
In my opinion the guy wanted to meet you at the park to see how physically capable you are. I think this young guy made two mistakes:

1. If you have doubts about a woman's physical fitness don't waste time messaging/dating such a woman.

2. He should have been more flexible and considered your safety concerns or alternatives that you suggested.

The OP did the right thing in my opinion as you two are not compatible but don't be surprised if more guys in your age range make the same mistake...again haha.
 Crsdan57
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 86
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 7:14:56 AM
So many of you here are uptight sucks including countless women who have posted. The guy simply wants to do something that isn't a complete snoozefest. He doesn't want to waste his time.


Not the point at all. The first meet isn't about the activity. The first meet is meeting somebody new and determining if that person is someone you would want to see again. There is plenty of time to do something that isn't a snoozefest at a later date. What is worse than a snoozefest is a few hours spent with somebody that scares the hell out of you and makes your skin crawl.

What the OP learned about this individual is that he is someone that is not flexible and not at all concerned about any safety issues the OP may have had about a first meet. Drop back 10 and punt.
 Orionthehunter9
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 87
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 8:08:02 AM
This place is an awful blend of cynicism and desperation. dating experiences here suck because of it. I'm hardly surprised. This idea that the first time is but an interview most probably in a coffee shop is hilarious. That s just a function of rushing to the first meting.......usually out f sheer desperation. Carry dialogue on a bit further beforehand and you can quickly eliminate people before ever having to meet. And if she did present options, and he proved somewhat inflexible ( although this is only her side), then she avoided the meeting through that pre-met dialogue. It doesn't justify the paranoia and cynicism like everybody wants to think. It just goes to show that the generally followed pof step by step leading to dates and dating is too frequently rushed and promotes insecurity in distrust. The pof dating process as these forums would portray, is sad culmination of learned hopelessness, self-pity, protectionism taken to the extreme, all based on a form of armchair psychology written by too many people who haven't a clue how to make a relationship work.

Filter through dialogue, and meet with an open mind. You may not be a match, but you'll never have a bad date.
 Crsdan57
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 88
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 8:34:39 AM

This place is an awful blend of cynicism and desperation. dating experiences here suck because of it. I'm hardly surprised. This idea that the first time is but an interview most probably in a coffee shop is hilarious. That s just a function of rushing to the first meting.......usually out f sheer desperation


Why hilarious? It is not a function of rushing in nearly as much as a function of being skeptical. People will misrepresent themselves. If a woman feels safer by meeting at a coffee shop first, why the problem? I was always open to anything that made her feel safe. It only takes a quick view of the evening news to realize it is prudent to take precaution. To be honest Orionthehunter, it is easy for you to say that it is protectionism taken to an extreme, very rarely are women predators.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 89
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First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 9:23:12 AM
Crsdan, thank you for your mature explanation.

The 'sheer desperation' is a woman going into a meet and does the opposite, NOT taking her safety fully into account. She doesn't want to lose a chance to meet a fellow she is otherwise attracted to. She thinks she is going to turn him off or drive him away. Fortunately most decent men are understanding of our needs and do their most to make us feel safe. It always made me feel better about meeting a man when in the initial correspondence that he acknowledged wanting me to feel comfortable with meeting him.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 90
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 9:26:21 AM

Filter through dialogue, and meet with an open mind.


I agree, and the OP presented him with several options on other things to do for their first meet - ice cream, coffee, coffee & then the walk, light lunch, antique mall...

... and he had the option of coming back with his own potential options of things other than his initial one. He chose to not be willing to either a) accept any of her options, or b) come up with any others of his own.

Which then, I might ask, sounds more like the person engaging in "dialogue" and with "an open mind"?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 91
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 9:37:35 AM
I think there are a lot of details missing out of the initial story because I can't see a guy being so pig-headed about plans for an initial meet with someone he hasn't met. It's too bad the guy isn't posting here to give his version of what's going on. Maybe he isn't that interested anymore in meeting the OP, but he's the only who knows what's going on.
 liftnw8z2
Joined: 11/12/2012
Msg: 92
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 9:50:00 AM
I agree that part of the equation (the man representing himself) is missing. But there is a healthy level of caution anyone should take with Internet dating. Heck, I got cautious with a woman asking very specific full name questions. How do I know it's not some dude posing for ID theft/scam reasons? OP was right to question the inflexible response to her options.
 shes_the_one
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 93
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 11:39:51 AM
The main reason a woman would ask for a full name is to check the sex offender registry. I know that seems offensive to some, but, in this day and age doing at least that much of a background check ought to be a given.
 liftnw8z2
Joined: 11/12/2012
Msg: 94
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 11:59:29 AM
In a phone conversation where I am talking with someone I might not be so cautious as voice alone can tell a lot. Email only, well, not so much.
 shes_the_one
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 95
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 12:28:37 PM
That is understandable!
 venusenvy777
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 96
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 12:31:19 PM
Stick to what your comfortable with. If your not then dont...Simple. If he pressures you otherwise than thats a red flag. Besides he just sounds like a cheap-wad to me...
 colortvgranpa
Joined: 2/23/2013
Msg: 97
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 12:32:55 PM
If a man can't compromise and be a gentleman on a first date....
 Earl Dirt
Joined: 10/5/2007
Msg: 98
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First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 1:09:11 PM
Solely from what you've said OP,I can only see a control freak...just sayin'
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 99
First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 2:05:11 PM
I love how both parties in this situation have insisted on one way to meet, yet somehow, the guy is the one in the wrong. Typical. It just seems to me that they shouldn't meet. I wouldn't say either of them in in the wrong, they just want different things.

Also, I'm not really digging the whole "guilty until proven innocent" mentality many people seem to have against men on here. If I get the vibe that my potential date is that concerned with me being a serial rapist or something, I'm out.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 100
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First meet, won't do something brief like coffee?
Posted: 4/3/2013 2:20:55 PM
Another one with reading comprehension problems.

She suggested five options. He suggested one.
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