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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > So what's so wrong about needing someone?      Home login  
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 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 66
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So what's so wrong about needing someone?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I'm a female and need a male. Not making any excuses. The challenge was meeting 'the' male that met my needs.

I can function outside of a relationship but only truly content when in one. All the navel gazing is fine for some. I like needing a man and him needing me. I don't find it the least stifling. I also like being needed by my children and grandchild.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 67
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/19/2013 12:40:37 AM
Sounds perfectly normal to me :)

My generation is a bit of a mystery. Coming from someone who thinks mental strength is a value, I wonder if it's a smoke screen for many people claiming it. In my experiences there is the (I'm strong) crowd, and the (genuinely strong)

The ones who are truly strong are usually the types that don't have to point it out or assert themselves in every situation. They have confidence and peace of mind that usually comes with age, and a lot of trial and error.

Personally I can't claim to be as strong as I need to be, but I'm on the right path. Part of getting strong for me has been owning up to some of my weaknesses, faults, and needs, so I can be where I want to be in a few years. I'll get to the point where I'll need that special someone to help share life together. I need the right kind of woman though, someone who has a head on her shoulders. and compassion for others, and someone who loves me for me. I've had too much of the opposite, it's time for a change :)

I have so much to offer the right kind of woman, and when she comes along, then months go by and we have a true connection I'll need her in my life, and I'll be 100% fine with having that need. Maybe get some kids of my own some day, with a nice little house near the coast. Endless possibilities! Good news for me is that I'm getting older so I'll be meeting some more mature woman I'm hoping.

Good luck in your search, I'm sure you'll find someone, your generation is much more prepared to date than mine is.
 cajuncooker
Joined: 3/3/2013
Msg: 68
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/19/2013 4:23:34 AM
bucsgirl that is my point. If you cannot be happy and complete in yourself then you will never be happy and complete with someone. No one can fullfill you. That line from Jerry Mcgwire while enduringly beautiful is wrong. "you complete me". If you need someone to complete you then you are not a whole person and not being a whole person means that you are not ready for a relationship.
a freind of mine once told me this: when you are complete in yourself then you will meet someone and find out how incomplete you are. when I asked him to explain it he put it this way. If your single and you can be alone and it dosent bother you and you are self sufficent in doing the laundry cooking and able to go places by yourself that couples would go the movies or out to dinner and it not bother you then you are complete. then you will meet someone and find out now there is another part that needs to be fullfilled. but you are still complete in yourself.
Someone in one of the forums that sometimes you come across that one person that you always think about and you cannot wait to hear from that just makes you laugh and smile, well unfourtunately I have never met that person and I never have given anyone that much time and consideration even when I was married. I am not sure if that makes me independant, self sufficent and not needing anyone or emotionally detached but either way I am complete in myself
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 69
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/20/2013 11:07:22 AM

You're right those words do signify those things, and no - I don't like them for that reason. Glad you said it - beats denying it.

Yeah -- I know at first glance one may think "I'm not needy", or "I don't NEED anyone".... but when already in a Relationship, one should always set their ego aside and know that -- yes you do -- otherwise, you're not into them at all.

I expect him to take it ["I don't need you"] as a logical, not personal statement. It may not be as light as a social greeting, but it's also nothing to get upset over.

If you turn to a BF and say that out of the blue, it is a logical & personal statement (the words 'I' and 'you'). You're saying you don't need him. If that's really true, you're not into him. If you are really into someone, you do need them emotionally. If you don't need them emotionally, they could disappear one day and it wouldn't hurt much if at all. If it wouldn't hurt much if at all, you weren't into him.

Either way, it's kind of not something you require or not, it's [having emotional needs for them] just natural over time.

It is natural over time, if you're into them, yes. But it Is required to be into them. You do have emotional needs about them -- for them to be into you -- to be emotionally content in the least. If you don't really care if they're into you -- then you're not really into them and have no emotional needs.

Your emotions have a Dependency on theirs about you -- if you're truly into them. It doesn't mean you're going into cardiac arrest. It isn't about survival. The same with someone who smokes -- there's a dependency. They're not going to die when they quit, but it's going to really really suck while you quit. But it's still a dependency.

First off needing someone, that's a strong word, by definiton it means a lack of something without someone else.

I don't think it's a strong word when you're talking about already being In a Relationship. I think it's common sense. I think it's real strong when it comes to being 100% single and still needing someone-anyone, yeah.

The thing is when you need someone, you are reliant, dependent on them for something they have to continually give you. Constantly having to feed someone else's needs...for me, no thanks.

Well, I think you should think about that, though. Again, you're Already In a Relationship in this case. Okay. If you are not emotionally reliant on them being into you -- then you're not into them. Needing someone in the context of Being in a Relationship is having them emotionally. Having no emotional needs and having zero-level emotional dependency means you are not into them at all. It would mean they could leave suddenly and you wouldn't emotionally flinch.

Needing someone, in the context of being in a relationship, does not mean or imply being attached at the hip, constant cooing or constant chores done for them. My point is: If you're into someone, you do have a level of emotional dependency with them, and (hopefully of course) as they do you. It's nothing magical. It can wilter away... or intensify.

The OP was in a situation where she really didn't have emotional needs for him (= she's not into him), and he had emotional needs for her (=imbalance). His emotional needs will wilter away in that case by her not being into him. But when in a Relationship? I would hope there would be some level of emotional Dependence & Needs. Without any of that, they're just a facebook friend or f-buddy. :)
 1971D
Joined: 10/7/2012
Msg: 70
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So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/28/2013 2:16:08 PM
I don't NEED to have a man in my life to make me happy, complete or to define who I am. This does not mean I don't want a man in my life to lean on, snuggle up with and have fun with.

The difference is I am content with myself, and would like a man to compliment my life, not create it.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 71
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:23:48 PM

I don't NEED to have a man in my life to make me happy, complete or to define who I am. This does not mean I don't want a man in my life to lean on, snuggle up with and have fun with.

The difference is I am content with myself, and would like a man to compliment my life, not create it.


This is where it comes down to wording and how you look at the word need I suppose.

Personally I can have a defined character, be healthy, confident in who I am, and still have a need for someone who compliments all these things.

I had to lose someone extremely close to me to understand this, two people actually. My ex girlfriend and her son. Much of it was an idea I fell in love with, the idea of a family of my own and all the responsibility and rewards that came with it.

I was functional before the relationship, in fact healthier and more confident than I had ever been. I woke up everyday, did the things I needed to do around the apartment, I had a vigorous 5 day a week workout routine, and friends who are important to me.

So I was complete in myself, yet since I've lost her and her son I've lost 10 pounds because Im not eating much, I went through a phase where I quit showering, my apartment is not as clean as it was, and I'm still very depressed. Im recovering a little and will eventually rebound but things have fallen apart for me because I developed an emotional need to have her and her son in my life. Needs are the things that help sustain you and they did, otherwise I wouldn't be such a mess.

The good news for people that go through this is that the loss can become a learning experience and help you grow. I don't plan to be like this a year from now, I'll learn from it, find my place again, and when the time comes I'll find someone who I develop a healthy need for in my life.

I have to do it right this time though, and that's what I learned. I have to be ready for something like a family and with the right person. But before I met her I didn't even know I would find the idea of a family this appealing. It turns out I needed a woman with a toddler in my life to come to that realization. I've learned that about myself, and perhaps that's part of the reason their was this hole in my life during my independence prior to the relationship. While functional and generally happy there was still something missing from me prior to her.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 72
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:34:57 PM
Just to add, I quoted John Lennons, "All You Need Is Love" early in this thread for a reason. It's true in relationships, and in all walks of life. Something like that I can't do without, I need love. Perhaps I sound like a hippie or something but it's true.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 73
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/28/2013 10:07:24 PM
Everyone needs love. I can't imagine going through life being truly unloved.

But there are many sources that you can get love from, whether it be family, friends, even your pets. And if you are a religious or spiritual person, you can feel love from that. You don't need to be in a romantic relationship to be loved. It's everywhere. :)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/29/2013 6:35:50 AM

This is where it comes down to wording and how you look at the word need I suppose.

Personally I can have a defined character, be healthy, confident in who I am, and still have a need for someone who compliments all these things.

I had to lose someone extremely close to me to understand this, two people actually. My ex girlfriend and her son. Much of it was an idea I fell in love with, the idea of a family of my own and all the responsibility and rewards that came with it.

I was functional before the relationship, in fact healthier and more confident than I had ever been. I woke up everyday, did the things I needed to do around the apartment, I had a vigorous 5 day a week workout routine, and friends who are important to me.

So I was complete in myself, yet since I've lost her and her son I've lost 10 pounds because Im not eating much, I went through a phase where I quit showering, my apartment is not as clean as it was, and I'm still very depressed. Im recovering a little and will eventually rebound but things have fallen apart for me because I developed an emotional need to have her and her son in my life. Needs are the things that help sustain you and they did, otherwise I wouldn't be such a mess.

This is an example of an attachment to a specific person or people over time - a need that develops for someone in particular. To miss people you were close to is not the same as a general perceived need for a romantic partner to be happy. Something that became a part of your life was lost - you're going to need to adjust to that because it changed. When women say I don't need a man to make me happy - they are saying they don't need to fill a void with someone to live a better life. Obviously someone they want to be with eventually becomes an important part of your life, just like friends, family or anyone else you are around and close with over time.

there are many sources that you can get love from, whether it be family, friends, even your pets. And if you are a religious or spiritual person, you can feel love from that. You don't need to be in a romantic relationship to be loved. It's everywhere. :)

I totally agree with this - romantic relationships aren't the only place to provide love and support. For some reason when you say it's not needed - people then jump to the conclusion that it means you don't need love period, which has nothing specifically to do with dating, having an SO or spouse. Of course if you are of the mindset that that's the only kind of love that matters, then you're going to put yourself through a rougher time in life.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 75
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/29/2013 8:21:53 AM

Everyone needs love. I can't imagine going through life being truly unloved.

But there are many sources that you can get love from, whether it be family, friends, even your pets. And if you are a religious or spiritual person, you can feel love from that. You don't need to be in a romantic relationship to be loved. It's everywhere. :)


Very true, I felt love for the coast of NC when I went on vacation there. I even want to move there now because of that feeling. Ironically, despite the topic here, what I fell in love with had less to do with people and more to do with the beauty of the coast. The best part of the trip was a solo walk that took me far out of sight from anyone, it was just me and the ocean. The feeling of being so small was powerful.

So I do understand and agree with you definitely, and with WIP, but the question here was very specific in asking what's wrong with needing someone? What Im getting at is that it's ok to have emotional or psychical needs within a relationship. Whether or not you can develop love, or an emotional need for other things in life doesn't mean you can't develop them within a relationship.

We're pretty close to holding the same viewpoint more than likely.

Some are more relationship or family centric than others though, I view myself as the type who believes my woman or family comes first. That's where the lion's share of my love, emotional needs, and responsibility will come from.

When I got back from the coast the first thing I wanted to do was give the girlfriend and her son things I had found on the beach, and share that experience because that's what I viewed as most important.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 76
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/29/2013 8:53:28 AM
I don't NEED to have a man in my life to make me happy, complete or to define who I am. This does not mean I don't want a man in my life to lean on, snuggle up with and have fun with.

There's a difference when you're single VS already in a Relationship with a certain someone. Yes, you don't NEED someone in your life when single -- great. You don't have a strong emotional relationship with someone then. You don't have the Need to have one.

There's a difference between these two, with only ONE word difference (which means a lot):
"No, I don't need a boyfriend..."
"No, I don't need my boyfriend..."

The latter means you're not that into the guy you're with. If one wants to posture themselves with the illusion of "strength" by saying their emotions do not Need anything in regards to their boyfriend, then IF that were actually true -- he could leave you and your emotions wouldn't be affected by not being with him anymore. It isn't a mere "Aww shucks, I still wanted him around."
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 77
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/29/2013 4:18:37 PM
^^^The original post was about why this was written in women's profiles - so for the most part it's pretty safe to say it wasn't about being in a relationship (though the OP then connected it to his last relationship, sort of).

I don't think most dispute there's some degree of need in a healthy long term relationship after it's been a year or two.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 78
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/29/2013 7:35:23 PM

The original post was about why this was written in women's profiles - so for the most part it's pretty safe to say it wasn't about being in a relationship (though the OP then connected it to his last relationship, sort of).

I don't think most dispute there's some degree of need in a healthy long term relationship after it's been a year or two.


Yes it was about what I had read in a couple profiles, at least in part. I did make that connection though by saying "my ex girlfriend considered herself in this boat" and we had been dating for a year and she viewed me as a father to her son.

The purpose of dating sites like this is to date of course, but depending on the profile description some, if not most, are looking for something committed and long term, and describe what they are looking for in a long term relationship.

So if what I'm looking for in a committed relationship is to develop healthy needs, then I do get turned off a bit when I read those kinds of things in their profile description. In the first reply Helen said:

"I think it's just shorthand, Michael, and not very well worded ultimately."

I don't think it is well worded, although I do understand what most women mean by this, that they can take care of themselves. I think that's great, I want that from a partner. I also want us to be able to support and care for each other on some level once the relationship is long term.

"Looking for long term relationship", mixed with I don't need a man is not something I find appealing when I read a profile. For starters it's obvious information because most woman can take care of themselves, secondly to an extent it's off putting because at some point I want that emotional and physical bond to happen where we do need each other.

In part of my profile description I say..

"If a relationship were to start down the road, I'm the type that is looking for someone who is not afraid to lean on a partner when they feel bad. My idea of a working relationship is to know I can be there for someone emotionally in the hopes that I can get that in return when I need it."

When someone is describing what they are looking for, usually it goes beyond what they are looking for in a date, it's often in reference to what they want in a long term relationship.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 79
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/29/2013 9:06:29 PM
To an extent it's also ok to know you need something like a family, and a partner, to ultimately be where you want to be. In my case yes I was happy, and pretty confident before the relationship, but something was missing in my youth as my friends and relatives got married and started having children. This is just speaking for myself but I know I'll need people who are close to me when I'm an old man. Children, perhaps grandchildren, and someone who I shared a life with.

The desires we have in life, or things we want can turn out to be things we needed to be happier, if you want to look at it that way.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 80
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/30/2013 8:49:59 AM
People don't need children, but most people have them.
People don't need pets, but millions of people have them.
We live in a society where anything and everything we want is readily available to us with little or no effort, and because of that, that blurs the line between want and need. So there is no right or wrong when somebody says they need someone in their life to love or tow the line "I don't need a man/woman", or any shades of gray in between.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 81
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/30/2013 3:04:14 PM

You are sounding very cynical but that is only your experience obviously. Men are no more reliable or monogamous than women, in fact even more so.


Interesting you should mention that, because I heard poll results on the radio about a year back that things have changed quite a bit. In a Google search I found some details...

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/survey-shows-single-men-commit-women/story?id=12831296#.UYAgSKKR9fQ



"We've known for a long time that we're seeing growing economic equality between the sexes, but it was surprising to me that men are adopting some of the attitudes that we've long attributed to women, and women are adopting the attitudes that we've long attributed to men," said Fisher, who is the chief scientific advisor to Chemistry dot com, a division of Match dot com.

Men are stereotyped as being less interested in settling down and having children than women, but the study shows otherwise.

"Men in just about every cohort are just as eager to marry or more eager to marry as women are.

"[The study] is based on the [U.S.] Census Bureau. We have the right number of people from each region, right number of men, right number of women, age groups from 21 to 65 plus," Dr. Helen Fisher, a cultural anthropologist, told ABC News.


It's probably pretty close between the sexes percentage wise, but things are indeed different today. I understand and agree that someone should be discarded if their is no love or someone is being mistreated. Absolutely Marina, but some people will discard others the moment things get tough, or career becomes more important, or in some cases if another romantic interest enters the picture, and both sexes do this unfortunately.

Admittedly, I am going through a phase right now where I'm upset with women who discard someone when the love is their and they are being treated good. These women are out there and I think it's fair to point out that men get this treatment just the same.

I'll come back down from that a bit, this breakup sucked for me, and one of my good friends is in a relationship that's much worse, he does whatever she says like a puppet. She's rude, pushy, and could basically do what she wants with him. Mine wasn't near that bad, she's a good person, but she did discard me, left me 3 times, and put about 10% of the effort I did into making us work. Deep down I still know most women are great and I'll find the right one, but It's going to take some time to be where I was before this relationship. It did some damage and killed some of my trust in women, although I did learn some things and being like a father was very rewarding.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 82
So what's so wrong about needing someone?
Posted: 4/30/2013 3:13:18 PM
The only thing I find wrong is having to ask the question what's so wrong about needing someone? You tell me. Their is nothing wrong with it.


Like in one of your other post it's about extending communication. You asked "is communication dead?" if I remember right. This is a way of me perhaps venting a bit, not to mention trying to get some input from those dating, or in a relationship.

It's not really a question with an obvious answer either, like the ones you asked about in your other topic. The opinions and answers here seem to be almost split down the middle. Lot's of opinions on this one.
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