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 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 101
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?Page 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
The ideal situation would be meeting someone who is single, either because of never marrying or by divorce, but I would rather date a separated person who is going through the divorce procedure who has no ties with an ex like joint custody of kids, than date a divorced person who still has ties and contact with an ex because of kids or jointly owned assets.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 102
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Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/21/2014 1:21:24 PM
"I can't speak for Canada, but in the US the requirement is to take time apart and decide it's the right thing to do, essentially. It's a huge change for you, your ex, the kids if there are any - so that year is for trial to see if it's what you really want before you make it official."

I can't speak for Canada, but I can speak for Missouri. Nothing is required in the way of separation. You go to a lawyer, tell them your request, and the rest is handled by them...for a price, of course. I've been divorced twice and no one in Jackson County, MO "required" a separation.
 forums_i_say
Joined: 4/4/2014
Msg: 103
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/21/2014 1:28:11 PM
In VA, the legal requirement depends on whether there are minor children.

If there are, 12 months is the requirement. If not, 6 months is.

And one has to have a witness give a deposition (or sworn testimony in court) that you haven't slept with your spouse or generally continued to 'behave like a married couple - sharing space, etc' during the separation period.

I had to find someone who had been inside my home to testify that none of my ex-husband's things were there. They also had to testify that the time we spent was based on co-parenting and not socializing, etc.
 Verissa
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 104
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/29/2014 11:06:05 AM
My male companion, for lack of a better definition of our relationship, and I are both separated. I don't know if that makes it easier as it is mutual. It's actually nice to have someone who gets where you are and is in no hurry to rush things. Neither one of us feels that we would ever want to do the "legal" marriage again, there's not really any reason to do it unless you're having children in both of our perspectives, not to say that we are not wanting a commitment just the legalities are a pain in the ass. And at this time we are just happy to stay in our own respective houses and date, no plans to jump into a live together situation either, it just could not work with the combined number of children we have, so it just works. I suppose coming from a situation where you have never had a failed marriage, separated could be intimidating, it may just sound like unnecessary additional baggage.

I can speak for Canada on separation, there is no "legal separation" here. You can file a separation agreement if you like, but that in no way "legally separates" you it just serves as a pre-emptive order dealing with the children, assets, liabilities and property division for when you file your Notice of Family Claim after a year of living separate and apart. Unless one has committed adultery or there has been some form of abuse, at which time one would submit an Affidavit of Adultery or Mental Physical Cruelty, a divorce on those grounds one could be divorced in as little as 3 months.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 105
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/29/2014 9:01:32 PM
theanswerguy2- The last time I gave an honest answer to this one, SOME people came after me with sticks and fire.
Ok, I'm exaggerating, but not by much.
(wink) It's perfectly wise and reasonable to date someone still legally married, no potential for trouble there, nope sir ;)
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 106
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 5/1/2014 6:52:46 AM

No thanks, I don't want the drama. I rather deal someone with a clean plate.


imo, most people also do.... Yet as I see here.... the Laws in Canada are a lot different then here in the USA.

As this "separation only" after a year in Canada is just like a divorce decree in a lot of way is seems....as unless ones wants to remarry, as this is the only legal roadblock in the way ? Strange rules up there....oh well...

Yet to be fair on strange rules & behavior on this side of the border,we too have our fair share of the "What Evers"mentalities....

As I have known a few folks here, that fit in the same mo & bill on staying separated ..... in that they really have no assets to divide, are too cheap, and to continue the drama to see who will first spend a few dollars to file for divorce, or not..... ^^^^

Well for me..... I like a clean slate too...like good business, as all important papers, every thing is recorded at the County Court Office.
That being said...as I can sleep at night peacefully.... knowing that nothing will bite me in the azz down the road. cuz I don't like or need the drama like some do.....^^^^
 brad1979il
Joined: 1/17/2015
Msg: 107
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/21/2015 11:58:49 AM
So I guess my question is this after reading all these posts: I am separated. All divorce detaisl are worked out, custudy, home, all of it. We are just waiting for the court date. I didnt explain that on my profile at all. IS that something that would make a difference or should I just give up until it is all final?
 PDAapproved
Joined: 5/19/2014
Msg: 108
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/21/2015 1:58:46 PM

So I guess my question is this after reading all these posts: I am separated. All divorce detaisl are worked out, custudy, home, all of it. We are just waiting for the court date. I didnt explain that on my profile at all. IS that something that would make a difference or should I just give up until it is all final?


To be completely honest, it will just depend on who you talk to and what their personal opinion is on the matter. For me, it wouldn't be a big deal since you are actively in the divorce process. Plus, I don't have a problem with people who are separated for quite awhile, but not divorced (depending on the reasons and some other stuff that is pertinent to the situation). Other people are going to have a problem with it.

All you can do is try at this point. Good luck.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 109
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/21/2015 2:47:41 PM
Everyone is different. Years ago before I knew better, I probably would have considered dating a man in your situation. Now, forget it. Freshly divorced people need time to heal, whether they think they do or not. Been there, done that. Not interested in being anyone’s rebound, but probably there are women who don’t care.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 110
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/21/2015 3:00:23 PM
I wouldnt ask any more personal questions until you meet and you have an actual interest in him and vice versa, which is more likely not going to happen. 18 months is a short time to be separated and I would not touch him with a barge pole. He may go back to the wife, he may be lying about his situation and really I would get a number and hear his voice before I do anything else or get too excited about it all. You could become the transition woman who helps the guy to heal and then he dumps you because you remind him of the bad times and wants to move on. Happens.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 111
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/22/2015 7:39:05 AM

So I guess my question is this after reading all these posts: I am separated. All divorce detaisl are worked out, custudy, home, all of it. We are just waiting for the court date. I didnt explain that on my profile at all. IS that something that would make a difference or should I just give up until it is all final?

I have to question someone who would want to date before it's all final - it will take at least that long for you to be mentally and emotionally ready for something serious. If you want to date just for the heck of it - that's one thing, but until you're past the finalization of it (that's always the thing that most don't expect to be affected by but get blindsided by it) it's not really fair to get another person tangled up in it....and if you date with the intention of setting up your next marriage while separated, the person you end up with WILL get dragged through it.

Just wait until it's done before you consider another relationship - take a breather. Truthfully you have to enjoy being alone before you are in a place where you are any good for another person anyway.
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 112
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Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/22/2015 7:49:57 AM

I have to question someone who would want to date before it's all final - it will take at least that long for you to be mentally and emotionally ready for something serious.

This is the case where men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
On the average, women will not date after a separation until they are emotionally healed and ready to love again (or at least try).
Men ,again on the average, don't need to be emotionally healed. They may even date the very next day; they just won't be dating for love.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 113
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/22/2015 8:34:17 AM

Men ,again on the average, don't need to be emotionally healed. They may even date the very next day; they just won't be dating for love.

I addressed that. If a man wants to just date to keep from being alone for 5 minutes (God forbid) that's fine because it's casual and the women he dates won't care what's going on (or may be separated, married, or otherwise doing their own thing). I'm talking about men who are looking to land the next serious thing before being divorced - and there are men who do that.

I have a friend who worked for a divorce lawyer - and without naming names she told me quite a few stories about men looking to divorce the woman they were married to because they got another woman pregnant and/or wanted to get engaged to them or someone else. Gross.

P.S. Plenty of women both cheat in marriages that are falling apart and/or date casually during divorces and while separated. It's not a gender thing. It's a personality thing.

All people should be able to be on their own enough to enjoy it (and at some point everyone does if they allow themselves to be there long enough) between relationships. That's the only way to date with serious intention and be in any way good for the people you end up dating if they are looking for the same.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 114
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/22/2015 5:57:09 PM
a fly in the ointment may be...the partner who's been waiting until the kids go to college (etc), before finally divorcing. They may have been "saying goodbye" in their head, for years now. Their partner may be caught by surprise and need time to process, but I knew two fellows who for years were planning on pulling the pin, getting out, whatever, for years.

Of course, having such an attitude hastened the demise of the marital bond. and I wouldn't exactly say these guys may have been excellent choices for someone's future husband, but I'd blame that more on their inherent personality makeup than on their status as "recently divorced".
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 115
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/22/2015 6:11:14 PM

I addressed that. If a man wants to just date to keep from being alone for 5 minutes (God forbid) that's fine because it's casual and the women he dates won't care what's going on (or may be separated, married, or otherwise doing their own thing). I'm talking about men who are looking to land the next serious thing before being divorced - and there are men who do that.


And neither one is emotionally healthy, no matter what planet a guy thinks he’s from.

It irks me when people post stuff like this:


On the average, women will not date after a separation until they are emotionally healed and ready to love again (or at least try).
Men ,again on the average, don't need to be emotionally healed. They may even date the very next day; they just won't be dating for love.


when s/he can’t possibly know any such things, but can only speak for her/himself.

It’s ridiculous to claim that “average” men don’t need to emotionally heal from the loss of an intimate relationship…or that “average” women behave exactly the same way. WTF. Sounds like wishful thinking, to me.
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 116
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Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/22/2015 11:56:18 PM
I've been part of this ongoing debate on and off and it is pointless. People like to generalize but the truth is everyone is different. Some separated people are ready to date and be in relationships and some aren't. Many truly single people aren't good relationship material either. Again, it's an individual thing.

From my own experience, it took me 4 years to get my divorce done because of outstanding financial issues that my ex refused to discuss and work out with me coupled to some administrative and court delays. In the end we finally had our days in court and I won and got things sorted and the divorce done.

I had a few relationships in that time and there was no problem on my part due to not being "divorced" yet. They didn't work out because those ladies and I weren't ultimately compatible, not because I wasn't ready to date etc.

I've met and/or dated many women who were either long divorced or had never been married and who were flakey or broken or unrealistic etc and not able to be in committed relationships. But according to the consensus here they should have been fine while I was unsuitable to date.

However, it's easier for people to generalize and judge based on a "status" rather than look at the individual. Should you be dating a few weeks after separating? I would say no. A few months? Probably not but it depends on circumstances. But what if it's been a year or two or more? Then what?
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 117
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/23/2015 7:00:36 AM
Women don't like dating married men. When you separated you are still married. It's not wise to date and have a relationship when they are newly divorced. You'll be the doormat p$say or c$ck for the short term and anyone with any self esteem would avoid it like the plague.
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 118
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Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/23/2015 9:52:18 AM

It’s ridiculous to claim that “average” men don’t need to emotionally heal from the loss of an intimate relationship…or that “average” women behave exactly the same way. WTF. Sounds like wishful thinking, to me.


This irks me. It's ridiculous to say that the above statement is ridiculous. You obviously understand men to say something like that, right? Try asking some men in your area before you use your own opinion. I have noticed that there are more separated men on date sites than separated women.
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 119
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Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 1/23/2015 9:55:15 AM
(the site won't let me edit)

^^I know that your field of work is research, so try some research on it....you might be surprised at what you learn on this.
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