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 AUTHOR
 Advwench
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 55
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefitsPage 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
A person who waits to have sex isn't bad or wrong.
A person who wants to have sex outside of marriage isn't bad or wrong.

I don't understand why so many people are congratulating the OP, personally. If this was a forum for abstinence it would make sense, but it's not. Avoiding sex isn't the goal here - or at least it shouldn't be, lol. I don't see her turning down a FB arrangement as any different than me declining to go on a date with someone I'm not attracted to. Neither is a noteworthy event.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 56
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History
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/13/2013 7:23:13 AM
At various times, many people struggle between their primitive desire for physical sex (which can be VERY powerful and blinding) and their own personal moral code of what is true (right/wrong) for THEM (not necessarily for someone else). The fact that she was even considering having sex with a stranger without meeting is a prime example of how powerful and blinding the primitive desire can be. Her posting only reinforces her struggle.

For others who may not be experiencing this struggle at this point in time would consider her post/decision to be a "no brainer". This post is specific to the OP.

So, when faced with such a struggle, it is affirming (congratulating) to be able to overcome a powerful and blinding desire for sex in favour of staying true to your self.

She was so enamoured that she actually felt "disappointed" about missing an "opportunity" to act out.

I reserve comment on her potential "partner" other than to state the obvious difference in moral values (not a reflection on character). Again, this post is specific to the OP. He could even be experiencing the same struggle. I don't know and it's irrelevent to the OP's stated struggle.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 57
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/13/2013 7:42:53 AM
I honestly cannot understand all of the verbal high-fives the OP is getting.

I hear it as part of the daily POF ritual, the intoning of the catechism, the call to prayers…

Relationship sex good
Casual sex bad
Chaste woman good
Predatory man baaaaaad
Monogamy good
Anything else, baaaaaaaad

…and so on, confirming (and conforming) the faith of the true believers lest any stray, a place to be rewarded for all the sex they didn’t have, pre-emptively slut-shaming (and congratulating) themselves and each other. PTL.
 KatarzynaLuiza
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 58
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/13/2013 8:12:56 AM
Bc we not primitive creatures we should have sleuthing with us that should control out urges. Religion is here to regulate that n tech us wearing from right. It clearly defines what is portly wrong what is not. I hope no e of sluts either man or woman as well as fwb don't go to church then bc if they do they are hypocrites then
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 59
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/13/2013 8:26:15 AM

So...I'm disappointed. I feel like maybe I blew an opportunity.

I am just wondering how many offers like this is it going to take before the OP starts feeling or thinking "Ugh! I am tired of explaining this to people, I'm tired of people coming back and arguing with me about it, why do people keep asking for this? Is this all men want?"


I feel like maybe I blew an opportunity.

Yes you did. But only if you value that kind of relationship, or see how it can hold value for your life.

I know you are also going to meet men who are going to make you this offer after 2,4,7 months of dating them and you thinking things are "progressing" how you think they should.
I wonder if you are going to have the same kind of response and reaction to them. Are you going to look back and see the time spent as taking advantage of an opportunity?


But then again, I don't want to have sex until I KNOW I'm ready!

Do you know when you will know? Or do you expect to know based on how you feel?
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 60
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/13/2013 8:43:50 AM
KatarzynaLuiza my dear, this is church – right here. We’re the same gathering of harlots and fishermen and prideful righteous and betrayers and lost and hopeful and faithless and ambitious that Jesus chose for his disciples. If he came back today, he’d choose us.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 61
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History
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/13/2013 9:41:04 AM

Bc it's is morally n socially wrong. So yeah is one f..... Low life. Oh if so go to church ask ask then their opinion on someone like that.

it's unfortunate that such groups, run top-down by people who communicate telepathically with invisible beings and whatnot, are lying in wait just for people in the op's emotional state: someone who handled an unsuitable offer with tact and reasonability, but is so unsure of herself that with a little shrill, righteous hectoring, she decided that outraged b|tchiness would have served her better.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 62
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/13/2013 9:58:22 AM

I hope no e of sluts either man or woman as well as fwb don't go to church then bc if they do they are hypocrites then

Dear child ... Talk to your priest. He will explain the theme of Christianity is redemption, not perfection.
Read your Bible and learn about Mary Magdalene. Even Catholics should be aware of that story.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 63
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/13/2013 10:10:48 AM
OP - nicely written initial post and well done for handling the situation with dignity and having enough self awareness to steer yourself in the right direction.

I have to agree with some posters who indicate a double standard exists in this situation. If it was a guy turning down a FB situation with an attractive women there would be a significant number who would consider him foolish or somehow defective. When it comes to a woman turning down an offer to become a FB isn't this something that happens with annoying frequency to most women?

Personally I see nothing wrong with a relationship based on casual sex between two consenting adult - it doesn't make either of them bad people. The problem I have had with a friends with benifits arrangement in the past is that if I am a good friends with a woman ( enjoy talking to her and spending time with her and have some significant common ground ) and the sex is great then I find myself wanting it to become something more.
 zzedd
Joined: 12/6/2012
Msg: 64
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/13/2013 10:29:08 AM
OK, I am struggling to see why there is controversy on this topic. You met a man on this site who was honest and truthful on what he was looking for. You didn't think you could offer what he wanted, so you rightfully declined... The end.

The man did nothing wrong; he didn't lead you on, or promise you things to manipulate you. I gather you felt somewhat of a connection during the limited time your corresponded with him. I think as long as a person is honest, they should not be chastised by this community. And at the end of the day, you either agree or not. Kudos to you for making a decision, but I'm struggling to see the controversy.
 DonJ77
Joined: 2/8/2013
Msg: 65
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/13/2013 4:47:11 PM
BTW it sounded like he wanted a **** Buddy, not a Friend With Benefits...

if all he wanted was a sexual partner.

A Friends With Benefits would go out, you'd do things together, etc and have a closeness that **** Buddies simply don't have.

Stay true to yourself, and find someone that matches what you want! :)
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 66
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/13/2013 9:18:39 PM

person who waits to have sex isn't bad or wrong.
A person who wants to have sex outside of marriage isn't bad or wrong.

I don't understand why so many people are congratulating the OP, personally. If this was a forum for abstinence it would make sense, but it's not. Avoiding sex isn't the goal here - or at least it shouldn't be, lol. I don't see her turning down a FB arrangement as any different than me declining to go on a date with someone I'm not attracted to. Neither is a noteworthy event.


Agreed. The OP has every right to decline this arrangement. However this doesn't make him a bad person. At least he was upfront and told her what he wanted.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 67
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 5:01:50 AM
With the few that really don't understand the whole point of this thread.

First, congratulations in order for saying "no thanks" when you should have????

And with this,,,,,


So...I'm disappointed. I feel like maybe I blew an opportunity. But then again, I don't want to have sex until I KNOW I'm ready!


I am, again, confused about the human race and their ability to actually have a backbone.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 68
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 5:28:09 AM
Well good for you. Must have been a real strain to say no to such a request, from a complete stranger, whom you've never met & I guess common sense is something new to be proud of if lonely divorced & middle aged. We'll be sure to keep a look out for you in the crime section of the paper when your common sense fails & your found dead in a ditch.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 69
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 7:29:04 AM
(I haven't read all the comments)

It's just a man on here who wants to meetup for sex .. and a woman who told him no.
Ho-hum.
They'll try all sorts of "angles" with women they haven't even met yet.. just to get some sex.
Ho-hum. Nothing new there.

(and yes, I know there are women, also, who just want to meet up for sex)
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 11:31:18 AM
I never understood even the concept of FWB, how it could be practical in any way, it just doesn't entail any kind of sense in the first place. Obviously, this doesn't apply to people who have success with FWB - but I've been able to see that when you try to explain or quantify exactly what a FWB even is and what the reasons, benefits, or motivations of it are...it seems so nonsensical and that there really can not even be any such thing as FWB, and that really what's often going on is that the person interested in such a thing has a malfunction in their understanding of how relationships work, what they're all about, or what they are in it for.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 71
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 11:51:24 AM
OP

You did NOT blow an opportunity. Sheesh, you know that a FWB type of relationship does not work for you, and you showed integrity by refusing to agree to such an arrangement. This type of relationship, if you can call it that, doesn't work for most women. The average women ends up getting hurt in the end.

I honestly don't know why it is that men don't want relationships and women do. I don't understand how a man can have sex and not feel any sort of connection at all. I guess that is what makes sex and dating so perilous. A girl never knows if the guy is truly interested or if he's just pretending to be interested so he can "get some."
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 72
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 12:11:47 PM

I honestly don't know why it is that men don't want relationships and women do. I don't understand how a man can have sex and not feel any sort of connection at all.

Some black-and-white thinking there, Larissan04, leading to some false premises. Wouldn't one would have to ignore a lot of happy relationships and successful marriages to maintain those beliefs?
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 73
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 12:47:28 PM
Muted Enthusiasm~

"Some black-and-white thinking there, Larissan04, leading to some false premises. Wouldn't one would have to ignore a lot of happy relationships and successful marriages to maintain those beliefs?"

In general, men are reticent about being in a relationship, whereas women are typically looking for one. You deny that this is true? Do you also deny that men have the capacity to separate sex and love/romantic feelings, whereas the average woman does not share this capacity?
 DonJ77
Joined: 2/8/2013
Msg: 74
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 1:13:24 PM

In general, men are reticent about being in a relationship
???

Many of us are happy to find a relationship. Just because you've met a lot of players doesn't mean we're all (most) like that.

I'm sorry but you are generalizing too much.

And I know women who do FWB. It's not a diabolical invention of men to use women.
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 1:43:11 PM

In general, men are reticent about being in a relationship, whereas women are typically looking for one. You deny that this is true? Do you also deny that men have the capacity to separate sex and love/romantic feelings, whereas the average woman does not share this capacity?

and aloetune ^

Yes, I will unhesitatingly deny such. That it's true for many women and men? No, I don't deny it. That it's true for "most" men and women, or is a natural quality of men or women? Yes, I do deny it.

This has got to be another case of having a mis-match with what you think or say you want, how you look for it, what experiences you attract to yourself, and your perceptions and interpretations of experiences and people.

This is why I often have in my profile things like - if you often say "All I want is for one man to prove to me that they're not all the same", then the chances of us being compatible is lowered. Not because she wants a quality man (by whatever definition), because obviously I wouldn't be against that, but because it's an indication of who she is...little "tests" like this indicate at least a high probability of the presence of a whole grouping of traits in the area of her attitude, motivations, and maturity. The problem isn't that she's doing the equivalent of listing things she does or does not want...that's fine, we all do it, and even need to...and it isn't that I disagree with what she wants or doesn't want, because I in fact often agree and like what's she's after - but the fact alone that she uses this cliche', or has the mindset or uses the approach to how to think about it even if not using the cliche', reveals a lot of other things about her that just are not agreeable with me. And this includes the types who use cliche's like this often don't see it necessary to prove who they are themself.

Sometimes when I see this cliche', I ask her to explain in what way are men all the same? Why does she think that? Why has she pre-judged men so? Why do you think the "challenge a man" game is attractive? And very often the answers or explanations can be a bit nonsensical - sometimes it boils down to the bad trait of men simply being that they like women...that they're heterosexual, and all the other assmuptions about how the man behaves or what values he has are not even part of this.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 76
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 3:38:56 PM

We don't need to be naked to enjoy each others company, which is kind of key in a FWB thing...


@Msg 81

Do really believe what you are saying?

For a man; the word "friends" is just figurative; in other words he knows that there has to be some kind of non sexual type of interaction as you describe in a FWB situation, in order for him to get the "prize' at the end of the day.

No normal man would consider a woman he is just banging as an authentic friend! If he says he does, then in all likelyhood he is LYING, though there might be rare exceptions!

There is a big difference between acting as a friend (which many men do quite well when the incentive is to get SEX) and actually being a friend!

If you wanna know if your friend is really a friend then cut off the sex completely (unless that is your reason for being with him too!); and see what happens to him!
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 77
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 4:49:36 PM
I've turned down a few of these recently myself. I know, it is hard to believe that a man would turn down such an offer. Maybe if they were better looking, I'd have considered it. However, I feel I do want more, or I don't want anything.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 78
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 8:36:22 PM
Donj77

Most men are reluctant to enter into a relationship. The word MOST means the majority; it does not mean ALL. If you think that men and women are equally skiddish about commitment, then that's a new one on me! Lol! I'd say the number of books out there that have been written for women about how to get a man to commit should be evidence enough. Ya don't see too many books out there for men about how to get a woman to commit. I think the market place speaks quite clearly to the issue here that has confounded women for time immemorial - men are happy having sex, and women want a relationship. Period.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 80
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 9:24:21 PM
I'd say the number of books out there that have been written for women about how to get a man to commit should be evidence enough… men are happy having sex, and women want a relationship. Period.

That’s putting things too simply. Maybe women buy more non-fiction of all kinds than men. Maybe they buy more self-help. Maybe when men want to be relationship-ready, they buy magazines. Maybe they join a dating site, where they outnumber women by a large margin. Could one build a counter-argument from that? Not really.

I prefer actual studies.

This Single in America study supports what I have long suspected: that men are just as eager to find a partner, fall in love, commit long term and raise a family. – Helen Fisher http://blog.match.com/2011/02/04/the-forgotten-sex-men/


OT: Ms. Moon, if some of that information had been available to us earlier (specially item #3) I think the thread may have taken a different course. Doesn’t look much like a blown opportunity from here.
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