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 DonJ77
Joined: 2/8/2013
Msg: 81
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefitsPage 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Most men are reluctant to enter into a relationship. The word MOST means the majority; it does not mean ALL. If you think that men and women are equally skiddish about commitment, then that's a new one on me! Lol! I'd say the number of books out there that have been written for women about how to get a man to commit should be evidence enough. Ya don't see too many books out there for men about how to get a woman to commit. I think the market place speaks quite clearly to the issue here that has confounded women for time immemorial - men are happy having sex, and women want a relationship. Period.


I read what you said. Even your most seems too much. Unless you mean 50% + 1. Or something like that ?...
Because men want relationships too even if it's easier for them to have sex without a relationship.

It's not as if the specie is doomed to be unfaithful.

The way you phrased it, it sounds as if you have a big prejudice towards men.

I know pigs exist, but there are so many others not like that. Have you noticed how many men want families and kids? That doesn't sound like commitment?
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/14/2013 9:29:03 PM
There has been a butt-load of superman comics published and sold. The only thing that this might mean is that people like such books and will buy them. It doesn't mean that superman exists.
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/15/2013 7:54:01 AM
coma white ^ But how can we be so confident in speaking for most other men or women? How in the world do you know this? And oddly enough, in this same post you also said that "most other men" have turned down the one chance of sex. So which is it? Most men will, or most men won't?

Moreover, in this typical gender-war discussion based on the same old very questionable popular data, I'll ask - is it not a practice...for what percentage of the female population...that some women go out occasionally to find a guy just for sexual satisfaction one time because she can? - because a woman can always find a guy to just have sex with one time, a bit more than men, since some men alledgedly are always just waiting for any chance to have sex, always available for the woman to just say "come here"?
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 84
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/15/2013 9:25:14 AM
Most of the men I know would have a one night stand or enter a friends with benefits situation if they were really attracted to the woman, and assuming there were no strings attached (she's not married, not a drug addict, etc).


If you were to add that he was not currently in a relationship and he felt there was no risk of pregnancy or disease to that statement I would have to agree. In reality it's not like most men are presented an offer like that with any sort of frequency
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 85
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/15/2013 10:48:19 AM
Most of the men I know would have a one night stand or enter a friends with benefits situation if they were really attracted to the woman…

Most of the men I know would too. Or they’d date her or start a relationship. Or marry her, provide for her babies, run into burning buildings to save them… we can make this story go wherever we want. What does it prove? That men are heroic? That we have a keen sense of drama? Probably that we like the stories that ‘prove’ what we believe to be true.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 86
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/15/2013 2:40:12 PM

Technically you can't be FWB without being friends first. Anybody wanting to hook up with you on the internet before befriending you is looking for a FB, not a FWB.

THANK YOU!

A genuine FwB is something that just seems to develop-it is not something that is "offered".


But more often then not I have know women who enter into such "FWB" scenarios hoping to miraculously convert said partner which is next to impossible and rarely ever happens...

this is an unfortunately fairly common situation. What makes it worse is that every once in a blue moon-or thereabouts-one hears of a "FwB" that turne into the "real deal". The other common scenario is the tendency to miscall a non-cohabiting,no-intent-to-"progress",LTR as "FwB".


At various times, many people struggle between their primitive desire for physical sex (which can be VERY powerful and blinding) and their own personal moral code of what is true (right/wrong) for THEM (not necessarily for someone else). The fact that she was even considering having sex with a stranger without meeting is a prime example of how powerful and blinding the primitive desire can be. Her posting only reinforces her struggle.

I agree with much of this-however!-I see no reason to assume that the OP was just gonna meet the guy and phuck him, sight unseen. I imagine, had she been willing to consider the idea, they would have at least met for coffee or a drink. In fact, I'd say give the guy a couple of brownie points for actually STATING his sociosexual gola, instead of PRETENDING to want a LTR.


Dear child ... Talk to your priest. He will explain the theme of Christianity is redemption, not perfection.
Read your Bible and learn about Mary Magdalene. Even Catholics should be aware of that story.

THANK YOU!!
"Let he who is without sin cast he first stone..."


A Friends With Benefits would go out, you'd do things together, etc and have a closeness that **** Buddies simply don't have.

Exactly. But this is a difficult concept for a lot of people to grasp. And there is a segment of the populace mis-using the term "FwB"-some out of genuine misperception and others out of deliberate misrepresentation.

Message#96
Who let this guy into the projection room?

OP.If you didn't want a FwB(mor likely a FB that the guy was trying to sugarcoat) how did you "miss" anything?
A genuine FwB isnot something that is "offered"-it's just something that develops-and there can be any number of causes for an involvement to take the FwB path instead of the LTR path. Sometimes it develops out of a long friendship, and I honestly believe that what many people call "FwB" is actually a relationship that doesn't feel any need to "progress" to co-habitation or marriage. And, on the other side of that coin, are the fb or 'booty call" situations being mistakenly called "FwB".
Cindy O
 cajuncooker
Joined: 3/3/2013
Msg: 87
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/16/2013 9:22:32 AM
My thing a woman should respect herself enough to not be a fwb. Its being a play toy and if he meets someone else that strikes his fancey more he is gone. I dont do friends with benefits. Its disrespectful to the woman and it makes a man a manwhore plain and simple.
Guy or girl you should have enough respect for yourself and the other person to wait till you are in a committed relationship. and then only for a longtime after that because I know for me personally the more she makes me wait the more I am interested and also the more she says wait the more and longer I am going to stick around. if you are the oppisite sex's play thing then both of you will get hurt and it shows no self worth or respect
 Daviegurllookin
Joined: 7/28/2012
Msg: 88
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/17/2013 11:06:07 AM
OP, wow sounds almost exactly like my situation. Been chatting with someone who asked me for FWB and I thought about it and nicely declined for pretty much similar reasons As yours. Honestly if I have never met him how could we be friends. It would be a FB and I am not here for that. lol might be the same guy who knows Lol.
 cajuncooker
Joined: 3/3/2013
Msg: 89
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/19/2013 5:33:33 AM
always meet someone in public the first few times. then follow your gut. thats why i have the text eamil rule for the first month or two. then phone calls for another month or two then meeting in public places not on a date but as friends for another month or two. I figure 3 to six months I can pretty much tell what they are like. and it is less threatening because you are not pushing for fwb
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 90
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/19/2013 9:26:17 AM

i have the text email rule for the first month or two. then phone calls for another month or two then…friends for another month or two… and it is less threatening because you are not pushing for fwb

According to that timeline, you’ve met no-one since you arrived here less than two months ago. That alone sounds pretty non-threatening.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 91
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/20/2013 7:42:21 AM
its interesting that women keep insisting that its a male characteristic to not want a relationship. reminds me of how people insist that men lack empathy b/c when you express a problem, women will relate to it, men will try to solve it and skip the emotions.

reality is, helping IS empathy. its just not the type women are used to. so, yes, many men do enjoy and want a relationship--its why we have friends and unions and elks clubs and other social groupings. but the male definition of "relationship" has a different definition, b/c many men want a different benefit from a relationship than women want from their relationships.
 L,A, Woman
Joined: 7/4/2006
Msg: 92
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/15/2013 7:03:07 PM
MoonVirgo, be careful, he may be married, sure there were problems with his marriage, who doesn't have issues. If you are with someone for years something is bound to come up. Like health, lack of experimentation in sexual matters and the list could go on. Some people myself included did not want to jump into a relationship with anyone after and during my divorce and custody issues. This is normal as mood swings at this time a common. It has been over 10 years for me and just now am I feeling like I want a relationship. Men are quite literal, if he said he wanted f.w.b. then that is exactly what he wants. Take if for face value, if you do not want that then move on to someone that can give you more. Or, be patient and maybe he will decide he wants more at a later date. Everyone is different and everyone deals with divorce in a different way. Men in particular are less likely to chat about their feeling especially with a woman but him wanting to have sex with you might be a positive as maybe this is his way to feel close. Wait, for a bit, if he still wants to see you and do other stuff with you then go for it. But, if he only wants sex and you want more from life and love then don't! Some guys get dumped for someone else and confidence is very low so go easy but talk to him about it some more.
 moonchildmn
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 93
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/16/2013 8:13:56 AM
I've been offered two similar opportunities in the past year. I don't care what everyone else calls them, I call them ridiculously casual . I basically was offered the "chance of a lifetime" by a wealthy guy.

Here what he offered:
Fab dates-expensive dinners, plays, day trips, long weekends away, trips around the world even. We could enjoy our time together when we were together and then, that would be it until he was ready to see me again. Oh, and mind blowing sex too. As long as I knew, he wasn't going to commit to me ever (due to a recent divorce and being so, so, so busy with work) and he wasn't willing to be sexually exclusive.

All I had to do was agree to sell myself out. Which I wouldn't do.
I'd be more inclined to sleep with someone one time and never see them again than to be a rotation girl and be on call.
 notjesus
Joined: 7/4/2008
Msg: 94
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/16/2013 10:30:58 PM
Who else read the OP and now has Madonna stuck in their head?

touched for the veeery first time
OooooO
 dkbmom
Joined: 7/2/2013
Msg: 95
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/17/2013 9:04:15 AM
Good for you, girl! I've tried it also and doesn't work for me either. I, as well as most women, usually get emotionally attached. There is a hormone released during sex that causes us to want to bond with that person, even when we know in our heads it's "just sex". I'm not saying it isn't possible for any woman, it just isn't easy for me.

So don't feel too badly. You deserve to have what you want!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 96
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/17/2013 11:36:29 AM
I've tried it also and doesn't work for me either. I, as well as most women, usually get emotionally attached. There is a hormone released during sex that causes us to want to bond with that person, even when we know in our heads it's "just sex". I'm not saying it isn't possible for any woman, it just isn't easy for me.

It does with guys, too. Bigtime during orgasm, although just any physical affection, hugs, etc will induce some of that. After orgasm (if you were to get one), the oxytocin & dopamine drop (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201111/will-orgasms-keep-you-in-love). It affects both guys & girls, and a one-night fling won't do it most certainly. For either guy or girl, steadily banging will bring that, but it can't be the only thing, is my point.

IMO, if you're genuinely attracted to him, that's where it can become a problem (for guy or girl). If the sex is decent and repetitive, or awesome and just happened once with a guy you're friends with -- and you find him attractive -- the personality mismatch or him moving away at the end of the summer (hence being just FWB), isn't going to blockade you as it did initially.

But the same goes for guys. Thing is, guys, IMO, are more willing to have sex-on-the-side with a female friend when he's not all that attracted to her... where he wouldn't want to be a couple with her (relationship), but yeah, sex? Sign me up if she's game! Women, IMO, are more apt to have that guilty "dirty" feeling of delving in just like that, so no, not just with Any guy in a social group. Hence, she'd more likely be FWB with a guy who was genuinely attractive in her mind (but he's moving away, personality mismatch, etc)... and if the sex was at least OK -- she'll think "Damn, I can't JUST be FWB!"

Yeah, it's hard for most when you're attracted enough as relationship-quality, when there's no big personality mismatch or leave to another state by anyone. It's still hard for most when it keeps on going even if there is a personality mismatch, but you like them more than they like you.

I read another article about modern day college and how a trend's going to aim to sleep with someone that you're NOT all that attracted to. It makes it easier -- less drama. And that works, if that happens to be mutual (which I'm sure it's easy to pull off one way but not mutually).
 notjesus
Joined: 7/4/2008
Msg: 97
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/17/2013 11:55:50 PM
This fella had naught but one goal
Anxious to find a sweet hole
But the lady was spent
Shooed him off and he went
Back home dragging balls very swole
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 98
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/18/2013 7:40:57 AM
OP, the important thing here is that you recognized it wasn't want you wanted and you declined the offer.

My reservations about FWB arrangements is that it creates an illusion that doesn't exist and cannot be sustained. I don't f*ck my friends or the people I hang out with. When a man tells me something like "friends first", "lets get to know each other as friends first", "we would have to be friend first", they get "well, I don't f*ck my friends or the people I hang out with, so if you want to be my friend, that's cool, but know that nothing will ever happen between us. Dates can turn into friendships, relationships, etc, but friends don't turn into dates or relationships in my world. I don't mix the two categories, once you are my friend, you remain my friend. If the premise is friendship as the base of a relationship, then wouldn't you be suspicious of my existing friends, as any can turn into a relationship? hm."

The effect that I think FWB arrangement have is that they attempt to fill an emotional and physical need, which makes either party less likely to meet other people. After all, the needs are being met even if not 100% so the likelihood of engaging with other people for the same purpose, threatens the existing arrangement (unless either can deal with having multiple partners, I was not built for that).

Such an arrangement would make it unfair to the people I meet, as I cannot 100% be about them or for them if things were to develop, because I am not 100% available as it is (my mind and my cookie is getting attention). I think it even makes it difficult to develop an emotional or physical connection to someone else (for a period of time).

Example: I don't usually eat unless I'm hungry. When I'm full, I cannot even look at food as appetizing, it can be there, look good/delicious but I wouldn't be interested because I already ate. Sure, I might pick at it or engage in a nibble (if its something I really like and its hard to come by again) but it wouldn't even taste the same to me, because I already ate.

I've been offered the FWB arrangement by about 4 people from this website and others, and I've declined. I don't offer an explanation (I don't feel I have to), but how can I agree to such a thing when I haven't even met the person? Gosh, these men ruin it for themselves. It all sounds to me like "I want sex for free, I don't want to do anything to convey that you are worth more than just a couple rolls in the hay till I get tired of it or you", "lets just meet and hook up, I don't care if you ate today, if you're thirsty, if you're sore from the gym, just give me the cookie and get the f*ck out till I want it again". They say FWB, but they are proposing the sex, so where's the friendship?
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 99
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/18/2013 10:19:22 AM
I read another article about modern day college and how a trend's going to aim to sleep with someone that you're NOT all that attracted to. It makes it easier -- less drama. And that works, if that happens to be mutual (which I'm sure it's easy to pull off one way but not mutually).
I read a similar article or perhaps the same one, from -The New York Times, Sunday, July 14, 2013. Sunday Styles, "She Can Play That Game Too", by Kate Taylor. It seems college age women are propelling the trend of FB or FWB. There is motivation to acquire the right college degree, find the best career opportunities, and be independent, all before her late twenties AND "finding a husband". "No ties" sexual encounters is becoming more the norm, than the exception. With everything a young college woman has going on in her life, she has no time, to develop or maintain a relationship............................... (This is not my opinion, LOL, just relaying what the author wrote)
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 100
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History
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/20/2013 10:26:42 AM
"friends with benefits"

what a stupid-arsed idea.

try to define it, without putting your foot into your mouth or sounding inconsistent or contradictory and full of sh!t.
 moonchildmn
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 101
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/20/2013 12:04:13 PM
"No ties" sexual encounters is becoming more the norm, than the exception


Good for them....but they shouldn't be surprised that when they are ready to get married there could be some slim pickens left.

I was pretty much the same until my early 30's but back then, nobody wrote stories about it, it wasn't glamorized and it wasn't really a game. I just wasn't ready to give up my independence. Then all of a sudden I was ready and I thought, "crap,,,I'd better get busy and get married". I moved too fast because the clock was ticking.

I have a feeling that in 20 years, there are going to be a whole lot of women who are just like me.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 102
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/20/2013 4:38:02 PM


"friends with benefits"
....
try to define it, without putting your foot into your mouth or sounding inconsistent or contradictory and full of sh!t.


There you go...

FWB - (Friends With Benefits)

a FWB relationship is one where the participants are _genuine_ friends. Genuine friendships are not easy to make and they do require nurturing over time. A FWB relationship is inherently monogamous/exclusive, based on trust and genuine mutual caring. Before the participants start engaging in sex, a significant amount of time is invested building a friendship. This type of relationship usually ends amicably per mutual accord after an indefinite amount of time. There is no commitment from the participants to invest effort into making it "permanent" (merge lives) but, it may happen on rare occasions. One of the participants may invite his/her friend to family events such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. Additionally, the friend will commonly be acquainted with the kids (if any) and, may even help them with their homework, be a math tutor, teach them how to play chess or other games and play together.


Good Friend/Genuine Friend.

a FWB without sex. Everything else applies.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 103
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History
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/20/2013 10:12:28 PM
^ Well, whenever I say define, that includes differentiating - showing how something is different than something else enough that it isn't some kind of side-step word or euphemism; A definition that can't also work for something else, when the implication is that the two or more things in question are different. And, a definition which is, or should be, consistent to some degree in the minds of all of those who use the term, and according to how they practice the concept in reality despite their belief or understanding about the word or concept.

Your definition is already not in full agreement with what I've seen many people to think FWB is.

In other words, many of the people who do, or want to, embrace the idea of FWB are just in love with the idea of it but haven't really thought about it much and don't really understand what they think they want, and so are self-defeating, playing themselves...and are full of sh!t.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 104
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/21/2013 12:01:42 AM
Funny how people think it's courageous not to do this... or that it's a big deal somehow, to turn it down... but it's only
self respecting, I say, not to mention smart for not allowing someone to potentially put your health and maybe your life at risk by using you for sex. It's risk taking behaviour... but people act like HIV and AIDS doesn't even exist, not to mention all those other nasty STD's.
 Moon_Rocket
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 105
view profile
History
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/21/2013 12:19:43 AM

I needed to be with someone who was willing to get together for other things besides just sex, such as dinner, coffee, movies, etc., etc., just so I have time to get to know that person before I open my legs (for lack of a better term) for him.


Ummm well yeah!

Hey isn't there pay parlors where this cretin can get his rocks off with no emotional attachment?

Just a thought :-]
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