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 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 99
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefitsPage 6 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I read another article about modern day college and how a trend's going to aim to sleep with someone that you're NOT all that attracted to. It makes it easier -- less drama. And that works, if that happens to be mutual (which I'm sure it's easy to pull off one way but not mutually).
I read a similar article or perhaps the same one, from -The New York Times, Sunday, July 14, 2013. Sunday Styles, "She Can Play That Game Too", by Kate Taylor. It seems college age women are propelling the trend of FB or FWB. There is motivation to acquire the right college degree, find the best career opportunities, and be independent, all before her late twenties AND "finding a husband". "No ties" sexual encounters is becoming more the norm, than the exception. With everything a young college woman has going on in her life, she has no time, to develop or maintain a relationship............................... (This is not my opinion, LOL, just relaying what the author wrote)
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 100
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/20/2013 10:26:42 AM
"friends with benefits"

what a stupid-arsed idea.

try to define it, without putting your foot into your mouth or sounding inconsistent or contradictory and full of sh!t.
 moonchildmn
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 101
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/20/2013 12:04:13 PM
"No ties" sexual encounters is becoming more the norm, than the exception


Good for them....but they shouldn't be surprised that when they are ready to get married there could be some slim pickens left.

I was pretty much the same until my early 30's but back then, nobody wrote stories about it, it wasn't glamorized and it wasn't really a game. I just wasn't ready to give up my independence. Then all of a sudden I was ready and I thought, "crap,,,I'd better get busy and get married". I moved too fast because the clock was ticking.

I have a feeling that in 20 years, there are going to be a whole lot of women who are just like me.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 102
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/20/2013 4:38:02 PM


"friends with benefits"
....
try to define it, without putting your foot into your mouth or sounding inconsistent or contradictory and full of sh!t.


There you go...

FWB - (Friends With Benefits)

a FWB relationship is one where the participants are _genuine_ friends. Genuine friendships are not easy to make and they do require nurturing over time. A FWB relationship is inherently monogamous/exclusive, based on trust and genuine mutual caring. Before the participants start engaging in sex, a significant amount of time is invested building a friendship. This type of relationship usually ends amicably per mutual accord after an indefinite amount of time. There is no commitment from the participants to invest effort into making it "permanent" (merge lives) but, it may happen on rare occasions. One of the participants may invite his/her friend to family events such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. Additionally, the friend will commonly be acquainted with the kids (if any) and, may even help them with their homework, be a math tutor, teach them how to play chess or other games and play together.


Good Friend/Genuine Friend.

a FWB without sex. Everything else applies.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 103
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/20/2013 10:12:28 PM
^ Well, whenever I say define, that includes differentiating - showing how something is different than something else enough that it isn't some kind of side-step word or euphemism; A definition that can't also work for something else, when the implication is that the two or more things in question are different. And, a definition which is, or should be, consistent to some degree in the minds of all of those who use the term, and according to how they practice the concept in reality despite their belief or understanding about the word or concept.

Your definition is already not in full agreement with what I've seen many people to think FWB is.

In other words, many of the people who do, or want to, embrace the idea of FWB are just in love with the idea of it but haven't really thought about it much and don't really understand what they think they want, and so are self-defeating, playing themselves...and are full of sh!t.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 104
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/21/2013 12:01:42 AM
Funny how people think it's courageous not to do this... or that it's a big deal somehow, to turn it down... but it's only
self respecting, I say, not to mention smart for not allowing someone to potentially put your health and maybe your life at risk by using you for sex. It's risk taking behaviour... but people act like HIV and AIDS doesn't even exist, not to mention all those other nasty STD's.
 Moon_Rocket
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 105
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/21/2013 12:19:43 AM

I needed to be with someone who was willing to get together for other things besides just sex, such as dinner, coffee, movies, etc., etc., just so I have time to get to know that person before I open my legs (for lack of a better term) for him.


Ummm well yeah!

Hey isn't there pay parlors where this cretin can get his rocks off with no emotional attachment?

Just a thought :-]
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 106
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/21/2013 6:43:21 AM


Your definition is already not in full agreement with what I've seen many people to think FWB is.


It is true that there seems to be a number of people who use FWB when they really mean FB. I guess FWB sounds better than proposing a FB type of "relationship".
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 107
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/21/2013 7:16:51 AM

It is true that there seems to be a number of people who use FWB when they really mean FB. I guess FWB sounds better than proposing a FB type of "relationship".


^^^ Exactly.
How the hell can anyone propose a FWB's thing when you dont even know the person and so have NO established friendship with them ?
*shrug*
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 108
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/21/2013 10:42:45 AM
FWB or FB are preposterous and emotionally degrading terms or labels that seem to imply an emotional involvment and a usery of "benefits". As if, the "benefits" are somehow distinct, unique and solely self serving. The term "benefits" in this context denotes a self serving narcissism. It is to suggest that one's sexual need or desire far outweigh any respect, consideration or validation of one's own and/or another's feelings, emotions. While, at the same time engaging in an emotional relationship with that very same person.

There is no discernible distinction between FWB or FB and a "relationship".
Even a one time encounter is an "emotional", "relational" involvment of a much shorter duration. Yet, those who wish to label with such terms seem to want to deny or disregard an emotional involvment (degrade, belittle) either within themselves and/or with each other.

Sex is an emotional activity, an emotional expression denoting an implied or inherent responsibilty and not simply a "benefit".
The act of turning to someone and saying, "Hi" is a relational and emotional gesture.

To thoughtfully reduce sex to a "benefit" by denying any accompanying emotional involvment or attachment and inherent responsibility is damaging, disingenuous and self eroding. A feeble attempt at best to control a desire and/or eradicate negative feelings such as loneliness, worry, depression, etc..

In the context of a "benefit", sex is acted upon a self serving "control" or "cope" for the derived physical pleasure at the expense of an evolving, nurturing, emotional growth, balance and intimacy. Ultimately serving to only reinforce such underlying negative feelings and emotions, intensifying the need to eradicate or "act out", leaving the participants stunted emotionally and increasingly susceptible as an object or subject of emotional manipulation, usery.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 109
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/21/2013 11:18:45 AM
It is true that there seems to be a number of people who use FWB when they really mean FB. I guess FWB sounds better than proposing a FB type of "relationship".

Totally agree. There is a big difference, just as there's a big difference between a Bar Buddy and a true Friend.... and a big difference between a Couple and a FWB. You are what you do, not what you label. Labels are important for understood gray-areas (like "where are we" talks when it's gray for too long).

There is no discernible distinction between FWB or FB and a "relationship".

I disagree (obviously, as I wrote above). Again, you are what you do. Like anything else, there can be gray areas between things. But definitely not necessarily.

A Fvck Buddy is someone who's a "buddy" restricted within the confines of the bedroom (a booty call). A Bar Buddy is someone who's a "buddy" restricted within the confines of the bar -- like a fellow regular at the bar you hang out at.

A Bar Buddy can end up developing into something more -- which does happen. Or, it just remains/stays within that bar you'll go to every weekend and being that person you typically fraternize with & shoot the sh!t.

A Fvck Buddy can end up developing into something more -- maybe into actual Friends (with benefits) or even more than that. Or, just remains/stays within being booty calls.

A FWB is a group friend or 1-on-1 friend where it's someone you hang out with. But also, at least somewhat periodically, while both being single, "hook up".

A FWB can end up developing into something more -- maybe into being a Couple (serious or non-serious). Or, it just remains/stays as a mutual-convenience factor until someone pulls the plug (finds someone else; likes the other too much; etc).

If anything, I would say a Big Gray Area would Not be between FB & FWB.... but between FWBs who are 1-on-1 friends and casual Dating. That's a blurred line.
 moonchildmn
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 110
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/21/2013 2:12:49 PM

FWBs who are 1-on-1 friends and casual Dating. That's a blurred line


Exactly.
And this is where the majority of people who cross that blurred line get hurt, especially when casually dating.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 111
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/21/2013 6:42:08 PM
I hereby invent a new one for folks like me - LB, Life Buddy.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 112
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/21/2013 10:10:47 PM
LB life buddy.
good one.
that is what I want. a LB.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 113
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/22/2013 4:15:29 PM
I told her the next time someone asked her that she should respond by asking: I don't see any benefits for me.

No benefits? Couldn’t she use that time inspecting the ceiling for cracks? Plan dinner?

Or just lie on her back and think of the Queen? No woman ever had orgasm while doing that. Or any other time, as far as we know.
 J_BigHorse
Joined: 7/17/2013
Msg: 114
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/22/2013 5:20:42 PM
Well Miss Moon, you are a very attractive woman, so you should be calling all of the shots. Sometimes I am shocked at what I see going on today. I feel sorry for all the women who put up with crap, pardon the expression. I have four sisters & when we were kids, if some guy pulled a fast one on them, my brothers & I ended it pretty quickly!
 Moon_Rocket
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 115
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/23/2013 6:37:41 PM

I don't understand why people come on a dating site and do that. This isn't a sex site, it's for people looking for dates and relationships.


This isn't a sex site?

So......that's why all my dates say they just wanna be friends? Gee I can be dumb sometimes. I gotta find another site!
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 116
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/24/2013 3:36:42 AM
LB = Life Buddy...

Just watch, eventually even this will be tainted or twisted. Someone will come up with LBWB = Life Buddy With Benefits = an open relationship.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 117
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/24/2013 10:32:13 AM
^^^It always made no sense to me to try and hook up an FWB in a place where you have no friends and there are nothing but strangers. You'd have to go call the friends you already have to make that happen. NSA and FB are different, but still - hit the corner bar, it's a lot more convenient.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 118
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/24/2013 11:46:28 AM
LOL at MoonRocket and Mr. Drinks...
Fwb is not something that is "offered".
Nor is it a prelude to a "real relationship".

It's simply an ongoing sociosexual interaction that develops along the line of friendship+sex without any intent to become more. Ideally both parties understand and AGREE with this- if one acquiesces to "fwb" thinking they can MAKE it become a "real relationship", they are setting themselves up to get hurt.

Often the friend part DOES happen long ahead of the benefits, at other times the friendship& the benefits seem to develop at the same time, then there are the FwBs that involve romantic/ltr exes who remain friends and have sex from time to time. It should NOT be just about late night calls to get together and tear off a piece-that's a booty call or F**kbuddy.
I am neither decrying or promoting FwB, I'm simply explaining that the nature of a genuine FwB doesn't lend itself to being offered, it's just something that turns out that way. Anyone who sees their involvement heading in that direction and doesn't like it is perfectly free to walk away. If someone is "offering" you a FwB when you've barely met, or are still in the pre-meeting stages(as might occur via an online dating site), then what they are really trying to do is set up a f**ckbuddy situation.
Cindy O
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 119
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/24/2013 12:49:46 PM

Someone will come up with LBWB = Life Buddy With Benefits = an open relationship.

Dang – you beat me to it. I was about to add that to my profile. But then I remembered what a craven exploiter of female flesh I become whenever I have sex outside a committed, monogamous relationship. I could give myself an STi just thinking about it.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 120
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/24/2013 10:18:12 PM
And this is where the majority of people who cross that blurred line get hurt, especially when casually dating.

Yeah. That's why people who bash FWB, need to understand that if it's a 1-on-1 friendship w/ benefits, you're basically in the same realm as an on-going casual dating situation. So one has to bash casual dating too, because the fuzziness & bonding is still there too, if you casually date for too long.

I don't understand why people come on a dating site and do that [FWB]. This isn't a sex site it's for people looking for dates and relationships

FWB isn't all about sex. Booty Calls (Fvck Buddies) is all about sex. There is the option of not wanting any commitment and "Hang Out". Welcome to FWB or casual dating. One doesn't have to be aiming for a relationship -- it's a site for casual dating, too.

You may be referring to Match or eHarmony or a few others. Not POF -- it's more broad-based where it shouldn't be a surprise.

I don't need to come here for sex I can get that any time. I also have old boyfriends that I can call if I want.

Hence the controversy in the other thread "friends with an ex". :)

Finding a long term relationship is much more difficult.

True...

Coming to this site and thinking the women on it would want a FWB is a joke.

You'd be surprised. It's not Match or eHarm. POF is also a watering hole for women (and men) on the rebound, and newly-single-moms who also work and aren't necessarily looking for a set Relationship. The pay sites are more aimed at Relationship-only.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 121
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/25/2013 2:44:12 AM

people who bash FWB, need to understand that if it's a 1-on-1 friendship w/ benefits, you're basically in the same realm as an on-going casual dating situation. So one has to bash casual dating too, because the fuzziness & bonding is still there too, if you casually date for too long

I think this is backwards. Bashing FWB isn't about also bashing casual dating by inclusion, but it's about bashing the weasly words that people use, the way you say it or call it (and of course the mindset whereby someone wants to have sex on a regular basis and nothing else - it's either impersonal, which is what's being bashed, or, it's definately personal but the people who think they're in what they think FWB is, are just playing games with themselves by using such weasly words and descriptions)...it's addressing the fact that it's casual dating, as you say, using your term, yet someone feels that they need to call it FWB, when actually it might not even be just casual dating. I could never find full agreement on what "casual dating" even means. So from you, I get that "casual dating" means having sex on a regular basis with almost no expectations or committments, yet are "on friendly terms". To others, "casual dating" is just spending time around each other as friends, not committed, "no pressure", but also no "benefits"...no sex.

Otherwise, I'm in agreement with confidentrealist - POF isn't a monogamous/marriage-minded exclusive club. It's for a variety of people, used by a variety of people. Myself, I kind of like it that way, as a non-casual, monogamous, long-term-minded type of guy...the mixing of agendas, opinions, and mindsets is an opportunity for all to learn about themselves, each other, and all of the issues involved. Especially when you have a feature like the forums, which, in my opinion, is that extra dimension that makes POF even begin to be worth a damn.

But also, the fact that someone can find casual sex offline more conveniently is used as a logic to show that an online site can't or shouldn't be used for casual sex. This doesn't make sense to me, and I disagree with it. Obviously many people prefer to search for casual sex online, for all kinds of reasons, including benefits which it offers over offline avenues, if not just plain-ole more adventurous to some in some way.

No, thinking that a woman would want a FWB is not a joke, and thinking that she'd come online to find it is not a joke. My opinion is that the whole idea of FWB itself is a joke through and through...but it's not untrue nor a joke that there are females who want this nor that they'd come online for it.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 122
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/25/2013 8:09:41 AM
Categorizing human interactions by arbitrarily assigning ambiguous and demeaning terms, denies the participants of any emotional responsibility to themselves and each other and instead, replaces obligation and responsibility with a self serving, narcissistic entitlement. In addition, an inherent dishonesty, aversion or ignorance of an emotional truth exists. Labeling attempts to compartmentalize and discard emotional obligations and responsibilties that are an inherent part of ANY human interaction or "relationship", regardless of the implied, imposed "label". Whether acknowledged or not, FWB, FB, bar body, this buddy, that buddy, dating, etc ., are "relationships".

As relationships, people are worthy and deserving of the same respect, emotional responsibility and obligation. Labeling does not absolve the participants of their emotional responsibility or obligation should the interaction bring about an emotional circumstance that may not neatly fit into a convenient, self imposed "label".

People should not be viewed as dispensible nor do they exist solely at the discretion of another's selfish, whimsical or impulsive narcissistic needs. Also, just because both parties involved may agree to participate, does not mean that it is healthy or wise.

As civil human beings, we are obligated and responsible to ourselves and each other to be emotionally truthful by our words and our actions.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 123
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 7/25/2013 1:04:10 PM
Bashing FWB isn't about also bashing casual dating by inclusion, but it's about bashing the weasly words that people use, the way you say it or call it (and of course the mindset whereby someone wants to have sex on a regular basis and nothing else - it's either impersonal, which is what's being bashed, or, it's definitely personal but the people who think they're in what they think FWB is, are just playing games with themselves by using such weasly words and descriptions)

The words "friends" left by itself can easily be a weaselly word. I'd be bashing the person using the term in a vague sense so they can fill-in-the-blanks on the fly to their own discretion for natural (but often rude) power control. But it doesn't mean the word "friends" by itself is weaselly. But yes, the same can be said for FWB -- and "casually date". Anything that leaves it open-ended with an implied "don't want to go too far" is subject to playing (word) games for their own upper hand (even if not intended to).

But again, that doesn't mean when one says "friends" or "FWB" or "casually date" that they Are playing word games. But they can be... so I don't bash the words or phrases, if with explanation & Continual openness. Just the people when playing games with them. You wouldn't want them not to just LEAVE it at that or to aim as much as possible to leave at just that, as it begs questions. I have little sympathy for many people walking into a situation with someone else, letting them leave it at that, and then crying foul when their interest grew and found out it wasn't what they thought it was. (Dammit, ASK -- Get on the same page!)

Whether acknowledged or not, FWB, FB, bar body, this buddy, that buddy, dating, etc ., are "relationships".

... or uncle, or guy sitting 2 cubicles down from you at work, or the person you've exchanged a few emails with who you never met. Yes, Technically pretty much anyone you've engaged with in any way has some sort of relationship between you two...

As relationships, people are worthy and deserving of the same respect, emotional responsibility and obligation.

I disagree. A girlfriend deserves more emotional obligation than Larry, the guy one talks to in the cafeteria. Just because there is a "relationship" between you and someone else, doesn't mean they're all even remotely close to equal or deserve remotely equal obligations & responsibilities...

Labeling does not absolve the participants of their emotional responsibility or obligation should the interaction bring about an emotional circumstance that may not neatly fit into a convenient, self imposed "label".

Oh, I agree. You are what you do. So if what you Do and have been Doing with someone will trump whatever "label" one wishes to put on it. I totally agree with your assessment on the problems of people applying labels as if they're free and clear to be & do anything they want because the label they put forth was uncontested.

People should not be viewed as dispensible nor do they exist solely at the discretion of another's selfish, whimsical or impulsive narcissistic needs

Relative to what though? People can have a spring fling, know it's going to be just a spring fling (Sally's leaving to another state) -- so they set up expectations about it... The mentality of Billy is going to be that yes, she is dispensable, and so he is he to her, to some underlying degree during Spring, and in a stronger sense at the end.

I think the real PROBLEM is leading people on. Calling it something it's not. Saying "We'll be FWB," but really not wanting to hang out amongst friends, bond as friends .... but instead just wanting a Booty Call at the end of the night 2-3 times a week.

Or to call something "casually dating" when they really just want to be FWB (ie no intention of ever wanting to be in a Relationship or have any level of real romance). Or the other way around... one says they just want to be FWB, but really, they want the romantic aspect and to "take it slow" in the dating process (but in the bedroom? nah, ya don't have to slow that part down).

I think everyone deserves the respect of communication & having a heads up on things. Some people will utilize labels as an escape-hatch or "clause" to be able to get more obligation out of someone they don't know (call it serious dating when they only make themselves available once every 10 days but expects the other to say 'How High' when they ask them to jump).... or to be able to chase the opp-sex if need be, without any worries (by call it "casual dating" or "FWB" but hanging out all the time and doing what couples do in and out of the bedroom).
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