Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Relationships Today      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 zelig77
Joined: 2/7/2013
Msg: 25
Relationships TodayPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I'm in the minority camp here that believes this is not a 'was he right/wrong?, was I right/wrong?' situation.

He is 100% 'allowed' to have his own feelings and reactions. But that doesn't mean you were 'wrong'....

One size does not fit all. Some people can be in loving relationships and not feel the want/need to check in daily. Other people can't imagine not doing that.

I was in a 15 month relationship where I heard from the man every day (even if it was a brief text from out of town). That was fine with me. I was in a > 2 year relationship where we had times when we went a week between contacts and I came to accept/be ok with that one too.

In the case of the 2 of you, some compromise may be needed on both parts. Is the relationship worth that? Only you two can figure that out.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 26
view profile
History
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 9:52:36 AM
He seems a little needy or insecure, but you each have different expectations on this - and no doubt other, as yet undiscussed - topics. I think your actions were entirely reasonable, but that doesn't mean you should not work out what you each expect or need.

Discuss your expectations with each other, and compromise where needed.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 27
view profile
History
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 9:58:37 AM
I am not going to judge. I will simply try to look at it from HIS perspective.
If my GF is travelling, I would love to know when she is back safely on the ground. Some people have a smidge of anxiety when it comes to their loved ones flying on planes.

I can see that travel is exhausting.
I can see wanting to get home.
But I cant see flipping the phone open once you got home and settled in and telling him you were home.

In the infatuation phase, little things like this mean the entire world to some people.

But I say just let him know you are a little out of practice and you will keep it in mind for next time.
Dont beat yourself about it or let anyone else do it either.
 _FishingForAMermaid_
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 28
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 10:10:24 AM
Good advice here from those who say you need to talk it out between the two of you. MTCW - I suggest you go with the approach I like, which is - no news is good news. The idea that daily contact when one is away is not necessary. The rich can do it, but ordinary people can live without the cost.

But then, I can and do live without a cell phone. I have never been one that needs that touchy-feely approach to life. I came from a different time; the kids today like instant gratification - so if you are a person of today, I can understand where the boyfriend is coming from. The question you need to answer is what kind of individual do you want to live with.

As an adult, I like to think that I can be trusted to get along fine AND that I should have some free time for myself. I do not need baby-sitting. Do you?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 29
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 10:21:00 AM

I'm in the minority camp here that believes this is not a 'was he right/wrong?, was I right/wrong?' situation.

I'd like to join you in the minority camp.

One size does not fit all. Some people can be in loving relationships and not feel the want/need to check in daily. Other people can't imagine not doing that.

Precisely.
However

In the infatuation phase, little things like this mean the entire world to some people.

But I say just let him know you are a little out of practice and you will keep it in mind for next time.
Dont beat yourself about it or let anyone else do it either.


This is just one of the things that a couple sorts out as they go along. If it turns out that the couple is butting heads at nearly every turn, then perhaps the deal needs re-evaluation. Compromise is vital but when every little thing becomes a battle of " we better compromise and do it my way",it can get pretty old.
OP, I think this was just kind of one of those "hiccups" that happen in new relationships. Try to be a little more mindful of not causing him undue alarm-within reason. If it turns into having to "check in " several times every blessed day, then perhaps it might be time to get concerned about the situation.
Cindy O
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 10:34:53 AM

" we better compromise and do it my way"


Ah...I see you know my ex-wife!
Tell her I said 'hello'...:)
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 31
view profile
History
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 12:08:23 PM

Yes it was inconsiderate of you. I think he was sweet to be worried about you and I think he was hurt that you did not seem to miss him at all. Being in a relationship, one should try to lessen their selfishness and begin to see and appreciate his feelings. I would be willing to bet you would have been upset if the roles were reversed, and if not, maybe you just don't care enough about this guy. JMHO


Ok this is just simply ridiculous, the OP was not in a war zone, she wasnt traversing the Arctic on skis, she wasnt in the Baja 500 road race, she went to visit family for a couple days, and he knew exactly where she was. He had no reason to be worriied about her, and for crying out loud, not texting someone to let them know they are OK when there is no reason to think they arent OK is not being selfish. It is being a rational human being.

Just because some people have a "need" to have someone contantly thinking and worrying about them as some sort of sign of love and commitment, it doesnt mean someone who isnt that emotionally weak doesnt care enough about someone. To some people having to check in all the time because someone has an irrational need isnt seeing it as "sweet"...
 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 32
view profile
History
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 12:41:49 PM
^^^^^ THIS is absolutely the spot-on answer. Listen to Grizzelda, she's got her head screwed on right!
 fenwick81
Joined: 6/4/2011
Msg: 33
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 12:47:35 PM
OP why don't you log off pf here and talk to him about it rather than ranting about it online? Neither of you are right or wrong, this is just one of the details you two need to iron out together.
 Shorty679
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 34
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 1:14:29 PM
Just put this as a learning experience. Now you know what he likes/wants. Everyone is different but I know mine would like to know if Id made it ok too.

Anyways Id chalk it up as lesson learned too.
 Nome2000
Joined: 5/2/2007
Msg: 35
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 3:38:19 PM
Very well said Zombiesrock, I enjoyed your post.
 _Passion4life
Joined: 2/23/2013
Msg: 36
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 4:16:16 PM
I honestly dont understand why he has dumped all this in ur lap.... Its baffeling to me. Communication is a 2-way street, if he missed u, WHY THE HELL DIDNT HE CALL YOU????? He was the one sitting at home with nothing to do, u were out of town. Why not send u a text or call sayin "thinkin of u"??? This dude sounds like a manipilator.... Be ware!!!
 Letsgettogetheryehyehyeh
Joined: 4/5/2013
Msg: 37
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 4:54:24 PM
Well I think other posters made some very salient points however, I had this exact circumstance arise late last summer with a guy I had been dating for about six months and so I wanted to share with you my own experience as I thought I might be helpful to you. He left town for a family wedding and was gone for almost two weeks. He had promised that he topped up his phone in order to text me while away, but then texted me exactly once when he arrived and forgot about me for the rest of the time. After the first week of this crap, I emailed him and pretty much put him on notice that he had reneged on what we agreed before he left, which was him keeping in touch via text and email, and that I was letting him go. I did see him once upon his return, but he made excuses and still acted like a jerk, so I dumped him and moved on.
So my point is, when two people are in love, as we were, and dating exclusively for quite some time, there should be an expectation not of "keeping tabs" on your BF or GF but rather that as a common courtesy and out of deference to the other person's feelings, one keeps in touch even if only to reassure the other party that the traveler is safe. My BF and I clearly discussed the matter, he clearly agreed that he had made arrangements to be able to text while he was away and promised that he would, and then in a two week period he only contacted me once via text and once via email after I had basically already told him it was over. I knew he needed a vacation desperately, that wasn't the issue, nor was it a case of me expecting him to contact me every day. I simply wanted to know that he was okay, enjoying himself and that he made it to his destinations safely, but apparently keeping his end of the agreement was too much which told me that I loved him more than he loved me but more importantly, that my feelings were not important to him.

But I also agree with Pearl that it behooved me to do my part, so I did text him a few times myself and emailed maybe 2-3 times over the two weeks. I did not call because it would be roaming and way too expensive for him. His behaviour in not doing what he promised was in my opinion a tactic to try to play hard to get and make me want him all the more when he got home. He was a bit like that, liked to play mind games and definitely a controller and manipulator. I have never been one to break up via letter or email, I need to face a person to do that, so when he came home from the trip and did not really explain to me why he dropped off the planet and also was not apparently sorry, I asked him to leave my house and started dating another amazing guy I met on POF while he was gone and snubbing me.

OP, no one can tell you what you should do, but to me when I was a victim of this shyte myself, my feeling was that the person did not love me the same way that I loved him, was very narcissistic and had not treated me with the amount of care and respect that was due to me. I believe it is fair to say that while your guy may be on the needy side, if you agreed to stay in touch daily with him and failed to, if I were him I would be letting you go. So if you feel you were in the wrong based on this, I think you should sincerely apologize and discuss how you will handle things better in the future when it comes up again. Otherwise, if I were you I would expect to be single again in short order.

Sorry to be long winded and I hope I helped.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 38
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 5:36:41 PM
If a person I care about feels so insecure that he needs proof of it every day while we are apart, he probably isn't the guy for me.

You need to decide, OP, if his expectation is something you are comfortable with. You were *not* in any way in the wrong, from my point of view--he was the one having a need unmet, so it was/is his job to convey that message in a mature and loving way--not in a tantrum of selfishness.

Think how different it would be if he called while you were gone and said, hey, I just need to hear your voice each day, so please call when you get a moment, and I'll try to call you when I get a chance, so we touch base at least once a day. I'll be you would be a lot more receptive and understanding. Heck, even I would probably "hear" that as reasonable and would not see it as a sign of insecurity, if expressed that way (and I do not like needy men).
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 39
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 6:22:11 PM
I'll echo msg. #27 by Completely Incomplete
.....being "in love" means you can hardly STOP thinking about them when you can't be near them...even if you are busy with others and doing other things...
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 40
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/13/2013 9:41:02 AM
Short form: everyone's different. Every individual. Every family. Every culture. And every relationship.

My southern friends want me to email that I got home okay. I want my kid (who's nearly 50) to do so. I've had men that had a hard time letting me out of their sight, and I've sat agonizingly crouched over a radar simulation as a transatlantic flight landed in Dublin.

Talk it out.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 41
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/13/2013 4:36:45 PM
I agree with him. You should have let him know you arrived safely and contacting him a few times while you were there. If you are are committed and in love spending time with someone you have not seen in a week should have been the first thing on your mind.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 42
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/13/2013 5:56:04 PM

Long and short of it, he feels I should've let him know when I arrived, at least texted here and there to let him know things were ok and said good night at the end of the evening. Let him know when I was leaving that Sunday morning and when I got back so we could make plans to see each other since we hadn't been together since Thursday.

Ha...this reminds me of my situation. Expectations are fine, if they are discussed - truth is there is no rule on relationships - however if you are me, you do what most women don't which is what causes the "problem".

We are in love and dating exclusively but have I been out of a relationship so long I've forgotten how things actually should be? Or is this a bit much to ask of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship?

Not really, you just need to discuss...he can't expect you to know what he thinks should happen. Just because the last 5 women did things a certain way doesn't mean they all will. Hopefully he'll realize he can't hold it against you because you don't know what he actually wants when it comes to people like this. Even if you were in a relationship recently, you may not have been in one where that type thing was a big deal.

I went through this myself. I was dealing with a medical issue....and forgot a couple of times to let my guy know about upcoming doctor's appointments, updates/results of tests, etc. I am very used to just doing and telling people about things when or if they ask. It really never dawned on me that someone else would want the mundane details of that type thing, but I had to - and still sometimes have to realize that stuff like that is important to him. I have to include him in things.
 Maid-merry-on
Joined: 3/27/2013
Msg: 43
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/13/2013 6:27:08 PM
Thanks for the input everyone even the kicks in the shins lol

I should say when he has his children and I am home I rarely hear from him and I give him space to be with his kids. So with me going out of town it didn't occur to me that it should be any different. Obviously it is and things have changed once again.

We've since talked about it and have decided together that we will be cognizant of each other's feelings when apart.
I actually used a few responsses from here in my discussion with him.

Normally on our weekends we go out during the evenings and spend our days apart. This weekend we spent Friday night together, went fishing all day today and are now getting ready to head out for the evening. Definitely things have changed. All I can say is yes, I love this man and looking forward to this new development in our relationship.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 44
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/13/2013 6:28:12 PM

On Sunday upon my return I hadn't heard from him and out of curiosity I contacted him...


You claim that the two of you are in love, and so when you come back from your weekend trip, you contact him "out of curiosity"? Did you even miss him at all?
 Maid-merry-on
Joined: 3/27/2013
Msg: 45
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/13/2013 6:31:21 PM
Yes I did but...when he has his kids for the weekend he normally doesn't contact me much and I leave him to enjoy his kids. It's been that way since we got together last year.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 46
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/13/2013 8:19:27 PM
So many independent (single ) women . To be independent is to be single it seems . For some one in a so called exclusive relationship the opp seems to take very little consideration for her boyfriend . Probably be a ex soon . Still can not understand why people who say they are in a relationship are here on a dating site .But also asking total strangers what to do , what a joke . It looks like the opp is here seeking approval for treating her S/O bad . Very interesting I looked up the definition of independent . only concerned for one's self , selfish ?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 47
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/13/2013 9:24:20 PM

Yes I did but...when he has his kids for the weekend he normally doesn't contact me much and I leave him to enjoy his kids. It's been that way since we got together last year.

As you should - his time with his kids is important, and therefore it's his choice whether to contact you during this time with no pressure from you - however in light of that he may also want to respect your time away and your frequency of calling without taking it personally. From what you said earlier you've already likely discussed all this and it's no longer an issue.

So many independent (single ) women . To be independent is to be single it seems .

No...maybe in your book it is. You sure you're not taking it as "single as opposed to dating you"?

For some one in a so called exclusive relationship the opp seems to take very little consideration for her boyfriend .

You seem to have read her post wrong.

Probably be a ex soon .

Based on what, your projection or personal experience?

Still can not understand why people who say they are in a relationship are here on a dating site .

For the forums, among other things.

But also asking total strangers what to do , what a joke . It looks like the opp is here seeking approval for treating her S/O bad .

You sure you read the same thread we did? This was a conversation about a couple of missed phone calls...now she's treating him badly?

Very interesting I looked up the definition of independent . only concerned for one's self , selfish ?

Where did you look this word up? From Merriam-Webster:

"in·de·pen·dent
adjective \?in-d?-'pen-d?nt\
Definition of INDEPENDENT
1
: not dependent: as
a (1) : not subject to control by others : self-governing (2) : not affiliated with a larger controlling unit <an independent bookstore>
b (1) : not requiring or relying on something else : not contingent <an independent conclusion> (2) : not looking to others for one's opinions or for guidance in conduct (3) : not bound by or committed to a political party
c (1) : not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood) <independent of her parents> (2) : being enough to free one from the necessity of working for a living <a person of independent means>
d : showing a desire for freedom <an independent manner>
e (1) : not determined by or capable of being deduced or derived from or expressed in terms of members (as axioms or equations) of the set under consideration; especially : having linear independence <an independent set of vectors> (2) : having the property that the joint probability (as of events or samples) or the joint probability density function (as of random variables) equals the product of the probabilities or probability density functions of separate occurrence"


Where do you see the word "selfish" in this definition? I seem to be missing it somewhere.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 48
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/13/2013 11:39:28 PM
I guess I'd have to say I'd be fairly comfortable with what you posted - I mean, it sounds like you talked once on "the Friday after I got there"... I would certainly appreciate a "I got here ok" message, especially if you were driving (a plane crash would probably be news, a car accident might not). I wouldn't be expecting a daily call or text by any means, much less multiple times a day.... but then, everyone is different, and obviously it should be a topic of discussion with you if he's that upset over it.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 49
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/14/2013 8:44:03 PM
it's common courtesy to call and say that you arrived okay. if i truly loved someone, i'd be calling him every night ( or hoping that he'd be calling me) to say good night. somehow the day just seems out of sorts if you can't say good night to the person that you love at the end of the day.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Relationships Today