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 In_Gratitude
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 41
Pre-qualifiying quality menPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
There are several sources in which you can find this information- they are scholarly published studies and do not have article direct links.

Journal of Marriage and Family - Volume 72, Issue 3, pages 557–575, June 2010
you need to read the entire article but a layman's summary can be found at
http://www.news.cornell.edu/stories/2012/12/fools-rush-sex-early-relationship

In general, the findings supported the hypothesis that having sex early (defined here as within a month of dating) was related to poorer relationship outcomes for men and women. These four additional findings flesh out that overall conclusion and point to some sex differences as well:

1. Couples tend to move quickly into sexual relationships.
Over one-third reported having sex within one month after they started dating. This percentage was slightly higher than that observed in previous studies. The researchers weren’t sure if this finding reflected something unusual about the sample or that people just aren’t very good at estimating how long it takes for relationship to progress to sexual intimacy.

2. The slower the sex, the better the relationship.
For women, but not men, the longer the delay between dating and sex, the better the perception of the current relationship quality. Slowing things down for women, but not men, meant paying attention to other factors that would ultimately improve the relationship such as commitment and emotional intimacy.

3. Early sexual activity symbolized relationship commitment.
Again for women, but not men, having sex early in the scheme of things signified to them that their partner was committed to the relationship. For men, having sex early in the dating period didn’t actually have that same meaning.

Other sources
Journal of Sex Research
Journal of Family Psychology
“Premarital Sex in America,” Mark Regnerus, PhD Oxford University Press.
 In_Gratitude
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 42
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/12/2013 2:19:35 PM

I think the main reason for the three-date rule was that most people know INSTANTLY if there is any of that animal attraction that motivates sex, but they give it three dates/evenings worth of conversation for the guy to talk himself OUT of being eligible. It's well known the more a guy says, the deeper the grave he digs - so even the 'quiet' guys after three dates would have said enough to prove something - good or bad.

"Better to remain silent, and be thought a fool... than to speak and remove all doubt."


Thank you - I have never heard it put that way before - interesting perspective.
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 43
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/12/2013 2:26:27 PM
Thanks, OP. I'll have to read the link when I have a moment.

About what you posted, I wonder how 'outcome' is defined. Intensity? Length? Regret?


For women, but not men, the longer the delay between dating and sex, the better the perception of the current relationship quality.

This is what I suspected, and I believe it is part of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If mostly women do the delaying (which I assume for the majority of cases), how willing are they to admit that it might have been just as good if they hadn't waited? Wouldn't such an admission concede that their dating philosophy was wrong? It may even be a subconscious thing: There is an incentive for her who established the rules (of no sex) to justify her behavior. If you ever bought an overpriced cup of coffee or piece of cake, wouldn't you judge its quality - assuming it's not significantly better or worse - higher rather than realize (or even admit) you spent too much? If the quality of the relationship were truly greater, shouldn't the men who didn't insist on that rule feel the same way? They got their sex one way or the other, so they don't have an incentive to skew the perception.
 In_Gratitude
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 44
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/12/2013 3:20:28 PM

This is what I suspected, and I believe it is part of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If mostly women do the delaying (which I assume for the majority of cases), how willing are they to admit that it might have been just as good if they hadn't waited? Wouldn't such an admission concede that their dating philosophy was wrong? It may even be a subconscious thing: There is an incentive for her who established the rules (of no sex) to justify her behavior. If you ever bought an overpriced cup of coffee or piece of cake, wouldn't you judge its quality - assuming it's not significantly better or worse - higher rather than realize (or even admit) you spent too much? If the quality of the relationship were truly greater, shouldn't the men who didn't insist on that rule feel the same way? They got their sex one way or the other, so they don't have an incentive to skew the perception.



I understand your reasoning above and why you might think that way, but that is not how a research study is approached - they create a survey which removes any bias like you mentioned above. Also, the recipient does not even know what the research is about, so they cant skew their answers.

You actually need to read the entire academic article to understand the full study and the methodology- this summary is a sort of simplified version. They actually do statistical regression and correlation analysis studies that take into account several different variables, age, race, income, religion, geography, educational attainment - many things that might or might not affect overall relationship satisfaction.

In another words - the participants do not know the hypothesis -both men and women were just asked several questions = how old are you, what is your income, what is your race, how long have you been together, how many partners have you had in the past, whats your favorite color, are you right handed or left, etc....

They do not ask questions like how does your income affect your satisfaction, or how does your race.....just general questions. Then when the statistics are done they can determine which variables have the greatest affect on the general outcome.

And if you read the actual study - it concludes that both men and women were happier in the long run with the overall quality of their relationship if they had waited longer before having sex. It just was a stronger correlation for women than for men.

But then again - this is just an average - there are always exceptions to every rule.

And I know for me, that I want the initial attraction, progressive physical activity, but I need to feel like I know someone, trust them, and that there is a reciprocal affection and exclusivity before I can have fun with sexual intimacy

I just wanted to know if I was in the right place for what I was looking for is all....can't find a blue crayon in a box of red ones - y'know?
 RandomDAK
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 45
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/12/2013 4:26:45 PM
I think the problem with studies and research like this is that other underlying factors are seldom taken into consideration. In the study you are referring to specifically, did they ask about sexual satisfaction in relationships leading up to the one in question? There are SO many factors that keep relationships working or failing, and sex is a fairly small part of it in the long run. Just basing the length of a relationship on how quickly you started having sex is like basing the number of car accidents in people 40 or older on how young they were when they got their license. Sure, I bet I could do a survey and find a boatload of data that suggests the longer you have been driving the better of a driver you are, but it doesn't change the fact that most people who get into a lot of accidents are just crappy drivers.

Take this one: A scientific study showed that cows tended to face north or south in the mornings, and the results the scientists derived from this was that cows must have some innate compass built in, it was just too compelling, based on the data, to arrive at any other conclusion.. why else would cows face due north or due south, and not somewhere in between? Made perfect sense until a rancher said "maybe they are turning that way to get the sun on their sides and warm up.. " See, if the study had included taking body temperatures, or something like that they would have figured it out, but they weren't studying that, they were studying the tendency of cows to face a certain direction.

I agree with men who say that they don't want to wait too long to discover if one important component of a relationship is going to work. Sure, there are men out there looking for hookups.. and women as well. Talking about sex early on and having it fairly early is NOT a sign that they just want a one night stand. The fact is, if you are not comfortable talking about sex and they are, you probably are not going to work out together.

A relationship needs to have certain components match up. You have to be in the same place emotionally, and looking for the same thing emotionally. You have to have things in common, not everything, just enough so that you have a reason outside of sex to spend time together. You have to be intellectually compatible, if one of you talks on a whole different level than the other, it probably won't work. And you have to be physically attracted to each other on some level and compatible sexually. If the guy (or gal) is looking to settle into something with sex 3 times a week and the other is thinking more along the lines of once a week, there is GOING to be problems. No question about it. As time goes on, sex might become of less consequence in a relationship, but early on you need to bond intimately.

A romantic relationship is different from a friendship on one level: there is intimacy involved. If there is no intimacy, it is a friendship. Doesn't necessarily have to be physical intimacy, but most forms of intimacy involve physical contact. If you deny the relationship any kind of intimacy, it is going to fail. You have to be compatible here. It doesn't mean you have to be sexually active, just that you have to be on the same page about it. And how do you find that out if you can't talk about it?

Yes, I believe it is a waste of time to pursue a relationship and leave one component out completely until everything else is in place. Have you ever started a conversation on a dating site where you didn't have a picture of the person? Have you ended up REALLY liking their personality? Then have you seen a picture before meeting (or met blindly) and had no physical attraction whatsoever? Didn't end up working out did it.. Unless you were both looking for a friend, you just wasted your time. You don't go to a dealer and buy a car without driving it first, regardless of how good your history with that brand is, or how well the dealer sold it to you.

Here is the REAL problem here: You meet someone, and there is chemistry. You have sex early (1st, 2nd, or 3rd date). You have GOOD sex. So you keep seeing them. You start to have a relationship. You start to see them more, and maybe take the next step. Then something happens, she isn't in the mood, or he is stressed and busy, or whatever, and the sex stops for a few weeks. You realize that without sex in the relationship, all those feelings you had aren't really real. You break up and you're hurt. Yes, this happens. Easily. So if you start trusting your "feelings" early on, and ignore the basics of a relationship, and allow the chemistry and passion to override getting to know each other, and EVERY date ends in sex, then you will probably NOT last long.

However, this is the same with ANY aspect of a relationship. Just that sex is the more powerful one because it actually dumps chemicals and hormones into your system that give you the same feelings as love. You can ignore sex and end up in a relationship with someone based on your shared love for a sport, or a hobby, or for intellectual talk, or whatever, and if the sex ends up being bad, the relationship will still fail sooner or later. So have sex when you are ready, but don't hold off on it for months unless you like to gamble.

Just ask yourself this: Are you going to be more hurt if the guy stops calling after a few dates where you had sex, or if you fall in love with his personality after 3 months and then have sex and he stops calling.. ? Bad sex will kill it just as fast as anything else. If you don't believe this then you are fooling yourself.

One final word in this long post: Men feel the most loved when their woman gives them sex. Women feel the most loved when men show it in other ways. It is a generalization but pretty universal. Sadly, most relationships fall apart when sex slows down, men start to feel unloved and stop showing it in other ways (ie no romance), which just makes the problem worse. In my opinion, the best way to keep a relationship going is to have great communication. If you start from the beginning not wanting to communicate about sex (whether you are having it or not), then you are pretty much making sure you will not survive past a certain point. If the subject comes up, confront it head on. If you want to wait a while, tell them, in no uncertain terms. If they aren't OK with waiting that long, then you know right now you are not cut out for each other. Pretty simple really.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 46
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/12/2013 5:29:01 PM
And if you read the actual study - it concludes that both men and women were happier in the long run with the overall quality of their relationship if they had waited longer before having sex.

I would agree with that... it just goes to show the ladies that one shouldn't desire or expect to start a relationship just because you decided to hop in bed with the guy. That should be brought to women about playing the whole "We have to be a couple now!" card. :)

All semi-kidding aside, I agree that of the happier relationships, you'll find a higher % of couples who didn't have sex too soon. However, I also think that you'll find a higher % of couples who were friends in a social group or in a workplace, etc. for a while THEN deciding to date (thus sex). I think that's probably a very good portion of those who "waited", because they didn't really "wait" -- they just waited before actually Dating (which leads to sex, emotions, etc.).

The known higher % of success when you're friends first instigates some people to play the "Friends First" game with Strangers -- which is a sad, illusionary role-playing game. You can't pre-emptively set it up and hang out 1-on-1 when you're already revealing the outcome you're aiming at (being more than friends, ie Dating). But that's a whole other topic.

Anyway, point being is that if you know the person beforehand, and then start a relationship, there's a higher % that the relationship will be fruitful. I'm sure you'll find those that didn't know them prior to beginning the actual (pre-relationship) Dating phase had sex around the same time as those who did. In essence:
- It's not so much the timeline of 1st Date->Date-with-Sex
- It's more timeline of knowing the person->Having Sex

People who know each other already with the intent of going down Dating alley and do, I would bet, would have a higher % of fruitful relationships than those who didn't know each other beforehand.... and also that they don't hold back on having sex either, since they already knew each other. When asked "How long did it take you two before you had sex?" I'm sure many in that camp didn't count when they had their first real Date, but when they mutually knew they liked each other.

When you meet a stranger, sure, you can hold off on the sex for a while and that will increase your chances that if you get in a Relationship, that it will be more fruitful IF you get in one. Why? It's easier to "end things" when you're not in a Relationship yet. When you rush things with sex, it can only speed up getting in a Relationship, and with many people they do -- and it's harder to "end things" and they just go with it, despite compatibility issues.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 47
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Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/12/2013 6:29:41 PM

I think I'm a pretty quality man, but when I was dating I had a two date rule: no kissing by the second date = last date.

Having lived with a woman for 21 years who was not demonstrative physically, I vowed never to get caught in that night mare scenario again.

I can provide enough demonstrative physicality to prove I'm not your ex without having to remove my clothes or work a deadline I'm not comfortable with.


Add to that;
Making a person wait to have sex doesn't automatically make you a 'quality' match.

I don't disagree with that.


'Quality' Guys DO have levels of tolerance, just like women do. If you become enough of an azzhat, guys are going to leave no matter if sex is in the equation or not.

Yup. Feel free to move along if I don't move at a pace suitable to you. However, that doesn't mean I'm an a$$hat for not putting out before I'm ready.


In my experience, the 'spark' of sexual attraction makes it's presence known early in a relationship, even if the 'act' does not occur within the first few dates. That being said, the 'spark' can disappear just as quickly - for just about ANY reason. If there is no spark, there really IS no romance - you're just friends. I'd rather test that 'spark' than ignore it - because until I'm too ancient and fragile to have sex, sex IS GOING to be part of any long-term romantic partnership I have. If I claimed anything less than that I'd be a liar, and anyone else inside this dating site that thinks I'm fine being 'just friends' is a fool.

I don't really disagree with this.

The part I DO disagree with is the whole "I want sex when *I* want sex, and if I don't get it *right then* than she is stringing me along and/or worthless in bed" attitude I'm hearing. Again, perception being what it is and all that.. but I sure as f*ck hope that you're not meaning that as how it's coming across, which is to say not in a nice way.

If there's no spark before the sex, there's not likely to be a spark for me after sex. Whether that sex happens within 30 minutes of meeting, or 30 weeks.

Here's the other aspect that I realized wasn't a shared factoid... sex for me starts in my brain, not between my legs. Perhaps that the bigger difference between us.
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 48
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/12/2013 7:27:43 PM

If there's no spark before the sex, there's not likely to be a spark for me after sex.

Nobody is trying to convince you to have sex when you don’t feel like it. It’s my understanding that the discussion is about ‘quality of men’ and ‘early sex as an indicator of no quality’. Or in other words, how having sex early influences the chance of success in a relationship. If there is no spark, what’s the point of musing about the ‘relationship’?

Being a programmer, I thought about what a simplified model tells me. Here are my assumptions:
o Either – despite mutual interest - neither sex nor relationship (which is my term for everything else here) works out (N), sex works out (S), relationship works out (R) or both (B).
o For simplicity I assign an independent coin toss likelihood for S and R. That leaves 25% for each N, S, R and B.
o For simplicity I put 4 days on checking out the sex (roughly in line with the 3 day rule) and 40 days for checking out the relatitionship (a bit over a month should be more or less sufficient). Adjust the numbers to your liking.
o I list the type (see first point), whether sex was had, the number of days until it is clear and the result whether it works overall.

Here is the result for checking sex first (early sex):
- N, sex, 4, fail
- R, sex, 4, fail (relationship works, but sex fails)
- S, sex, 44, fail (sex works, but relationship fails)
- B, sex, 44, pass
Average likelihood 25% of overall success, average elapse time 24 days. Sex was had in all four cases.

Here is the result for checking relationship first (late sex):
- N, no sex, 40, fail
- R, sex, 44, fail
- S, no sex, 40, fail
- B, sex, 44, pass
Average likelihood 25% of overall success, average elapse time 42 days. Sex was had in two cases. In one of the two 'no sex' cases, it would have been good.

So if you always go for it, you know in nearly half the time on average, but the trade-off is more sex. Neither method is more successful or more reliable as an indicator.

Other than the likelihood and duration values, am I wrong in my model? Is there an advantage to either method when the numbers are tweaked? Of course, I missed the boat completely with my model if waiting MAKES you more compatible or successful.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 49
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/12/2013 10:46:14 PM
can't find a blue crayon in a box of red ones - y'know?

Perhaps most of the women who have found their blue crayon have left the site. The women who could give you positive responses are no longer here to answer the question. And according to the Cornell survey, they won't be back (grins).
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 50
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Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/12/2013 10:47:23 PM
As a general rule... at least t first
men are capable of and may prefer sex without intimacy
women are capable of and may prefer intimacy without sex

when each gender chooses to set side their predispositions and make authentic exploration of the others needs, goals and desires at every level and topic.... this is the foundation of an abiding intimacy

failure to have frank, mature, detailed discussions about physical intimacy, goals, personal needs, desires, concerns, past issues, etc early in the exploration is a basic mistake people can make very often.....

this strategy excludes, users, players, perverts, criminals, gold diggers, liars, mentally, emotionally immature, nutters etc.... these are to be filtered out quickly and without rudeness, anger, shame or apology...

OP.... yes this is a good place to do these things... just be careful, reasonable, and articulate in your process....

ps... an authentic man would have zero issue with a background/ credit check as well.... so get one... they are low cost... but be prepared as a courtesy to provide the same documentation for yourself to them

I have come to understand that physical intimacy is a tangible celebration of emotional and relational connections.... that being said the most difficult part is finding a partner that is mutual to your preferences to express it... ie frequency, type, kinks, preferences, fantasies, health limits, etc
 dahlingdarling
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 51
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Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/12/2013 11:58:31 PM
Egh in my opinion it's not a matter of not properly qualifying the guys rather having an extremely optimistic view of males as in my opinion guys in general sole/main desire to have sex with a gal not have a relationship so it's understandable that most would be more interested in a situation that leads to sex fairly quickly. Especially considering entitled attitudes thinking if they're not having sex with a gal they're being played or suckered for spending time with her.
 dahlingdarling
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 52
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Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/13/2013 12:03:26 AM

And you can make out, fool around, etc -- but cut a guy off at a certain base-path if you let him know beforehand you don't want to have s-e-x. And at the same time, don't unintentionally lead a guy on by sex convo building up 'cute' sexual tension then saying "buh bye!" -- some gals can get a power-trip kick out of teasing a guy they are mildly into... and to those, I have zero sympathy when guys' hands are all over them when they don't like it! They deserve that pushiness then! (Not saying you are; just a warning not to be like that!)

Wow so it's being on a power trick kick of teasing a guy to sexually talk to a guy therefore she deserves zero sympathy when the guy does unwanted groping and possibly sexual assault/rape. Hmm seems I missed where sexual talking = obligated or intending have sex with him.

Either way I like your post as it supports my opinion of males and my advice that I give to my gals to not do anything remotely sexual with a guy unless she's going to have sex with him because often in the male mind when he's aroused he thinks that means she's obligated or intending to have sex with him such as making out with him = obligated or intending to have sex with him.
 Space_Weaver
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 53
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/13/2013 2:12:40 AM
When this problem occurs, four things come to mind.
1. Lack of communication to let the other party know their expectations of respect.
2. People that have POOR filters of who and who not to date.
3. People that get burned time and again going for the same type of person when they know deep down they are not the best fit for them.
4. People that assume "all", and generalize.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 54
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Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/13/2013 9:01:59 AM
I've seldom been asked or expected to wait more than 4 or 5 dates for sex, and usually the women initiate on the second or third. In all cases, we did not know each other socially before meeting the first time. If I'm very interested in a woman, I could wait a while. How long, exactly, would depend on the specific person and circumstances, but probably at the most about three months. Let's say that were the case (three months), we were really into each other, etc., and had sex. Often, sex isn't all that great the first few times or so, as you learn each other's hot buttons, but it should be getting better. And presumably you've talked about sex before having it, so you know about any boundaries, kinks, fetishes, taboos, etc., and are not surprised.

Even at this point, the relationship could come to a end IF the sex turns out to be unsatisfying. Yes, sex isn't the only or perhaps not the most important aspect of a relationship, but without it you have at best a great friend. So, disappointing sex that doesn't improve, or a real sexual incompatibility that only becomes evident when actually having sex, can still be a deal breaker for me. If that happens, I will move on. Having been in a long-term sexually unsatisfying relationship, I will never again tolerate one again. I know it would undermine and slowly destroy the relationship, or at best greatly reduce its quality due to unmet needs and growing frustrations and resentment.

Yes, waiting may improve the perception of relationship quality, which is what the study says, if I'm getting that point correctly, but waiting does not necessarily result in an actual quality relationship!

(And did the study follow up with these people - say, ten years later - and validate whether or not the perception translated into lasting quality?)
 whippedboi
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 55
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/13/2013 9:27:26 AM

Yes, waiting may improve the perception of relationship quality, which is what the study says, if I'm getting that point correctly, but waiting does not necessarily result in an actual quality relationship!


seems fairly simple, (perceived or real ) scarcity = increased perceived value

when a small child has one cookie it may seem important/valuable, but if there is a whole jar of them available, each cookie seems less valuable
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 56
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/13/2013 11:29:33 AM
Oh brother. Look... the three date rule is not really a rule, it's just a pattern of natural human behavior... if to people are healthy and have good attitudes, and are falling for each other - what you need for a worthwhile LTR... if everything is going just right, most of these people will have sex for the first time on or about the third date.

That said, I also have to add that some religious people wait until marriage, and this is within the bounds of a healthy relationship to do this, for those who wish it. However, even in those cases, you would still want to see the desire for sex begin around date three.

These people who want to road test someone on the first date, or pull dates out of their hat to have sex, whether they want sex on date one, or in three months, are just pulling stuff out of their hat, they are making stuff up to fit their own agenda. Those other weird dates have nothing to do with natural human behavior, and border on narcissism, which can be poison to a relationship.
 Single_Dad_Dave
Joined: 4/21/2012
Msg: 57
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/13/2013 7:04:13 PM
I guess I'm in the minority here. Being 48 and having young daughters at home (grade school age), I don't want a fling. I don't want to get involved with someone unless I think it has a decent chance to last a decent period of time. That not only means initial attraction, but that our life situations are compatible enough so that they won't clash. I don't want to date someone that is in the middle of a very messy, ugly, custody dispute. I'm familiar with how emotionally draining they are and choose not to subject myself to that. I don't want to date someone unless the place they're at is compatible with the place I'm at in life.

I can't figure that out in 3 dates. A lot of time I can find out they're *not* compatible in a few dates and have them as friends instead of dating them.

I don't want to jump into bed with someone, unless I want to get involved with them. Once you start having sex, the hormones start flowing and you ignore warning signs. I'm waiting for sex now. It's cut down on the number of times I've gotten laid, but it's DRASTICALLY cut down on the drama of getting involved with someone I don't want to be involved with and then disentangling from them down the line.
 Maid-merry-on
Joined: 3/27/2013
Msg: 58
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/13/2013 7:18:28 PM
Like with anything "free" you are going to have to deal with the riff raff that post a profile. I met my boyfriend on here, we both wanted the same thing...a relationship however, I had to wade through the men who claimed they wanted a relationship (but wanted just sex).
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 59
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/14/2013 10:54:26 AM

I don't want a fling. I don't want to get involved with someone unless I think it has a decent chance to last a decent period of time. That not only means initial attraction, but that our life situations are compatible enough so that they won't clash...I can't figure that out in 3 dates.

So don't. When it comes to finding out all the nooks and crannys in someone's skeleton closet, in might take more than three dates to figure it out.

Some dates (like Movies, for instance) are not any good for communication time anyways. I think the rule of three generally means you've had the time to talk and evaluate each other because you've had XX number or hours to communicate, AND had some real-life time in-between that gives the other person a good idea how you deal with the normal day-to-day wildfires that pop up.

Have three dates in a week, or even two weeks - might not be enough time for real-life obstacles to show up.

Not to be too sexist, but as an example - when ladies have that monthly mood-swing going on, there is sometimes a personality change that goes with it. If your three dates are before that happens, and the fourth you show up and it's an angry Quasimodo answering the door - well, maybe you should have waited? If the guy loves football, and your three dates have all been on Fridays - and the the fourth is a Sunday with a bunch of his drunken tailgating friends - maybe you should have waited?

I guess the Rule of Three should include a stipulation that each date be 'different', and a different time of the week, AND far enough apart that the real world stuff is still involved somewhat to 'guarantee' the best results.
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/14/2013 11:47:30 AM
(op)

I've been on a few dating sites this year and my overall observation is that POF men seem to be more interested in a situation that leads to sex fairly quickly (within the first three dates) - any other ladies having this issue, or am I just not properly qualifying the men in advance?

This is always a source of confusion for me. This is a complaint that women seem to always have about men, but some things about it never made sense. I just don't actually see it, and, (everywhere, not just POF) with my own experiences (and other men) it so often turns out that either the woman is so dependant on a man "making a move" early on or she doesn't "feel any chemistry", or she herself is keen on "making a move" early on.

I know that this is another case in which things happen many ways for different people across the board, such that it isn't really mostly one way versus the other (there is a variety of experiences either way)...but partly because of this fact, it's just a bit confounding to me that an ongoing popular consensus is that men try to move into sex early and women don't...when I've rarely seen the one yet do observe the other. This is probably another matter of who you are and what experiences/which people that you "attract to yourself" either knowingly or unknowingly, and so the world will seem a certain way to you when that might not be representative of the world in general.
 SpringMataLeao
Joined: 10/12/2012
Msg: 61
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 4/14/2013 12:56:33 PM
Plenty of Fish is loaded with Plenty of NonQuality Men and Women. There are few who are honest. The ones that are honest, are not interested in what I want, but I am honest.
 HUMHUMA
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 62
view profile
History
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 3/28/2018 2:50:14 AM
Duh....as history goes men are dogs in heat.....woman are and like being chased BUT in saying that play the game also....and some times not crazy bout the outcome and as a guy have also met woman hot to trot and ready for a hot night of passion....have ran from some, have given into some BUT after some nice chat!.....new times aren't always good times!...lol
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 63
Pre-qualifiying quality men
Posted: 3/28/2018 10:37:59 AM
From age 14 to 23, despite going out with a few guys and having many opportunities at parties and stuff, I never slept with anyone. I wanted to wait till I was in love. But there wasn't any guys I went out with that I wanted to give my v-card to. I had decided I was going to sleep with one guy who I'd been with for 4 months because I didn't want to go off to university a virgin. I was 19 (I had taken a gap year) and I was all prepared for it but when I told him I was going to move away to university, he quit speaking to me and immediately went and slept with my friend so I guess I'm glad I didn't.

During my first 5 years of university (I was getting a second degree), I hadn't had any IRL dates turn into boyfriends so I never slept with anyone. In university, the student population was 77% female so there were a lot of girls without boyfriends. That's when I decided to finally go online and check out POF and decided once and for all I was just going to finally sleep with someone. I was 24 and I did not want to be a 25-year-old virgin. I went out on a bunch of dates looking for someone I liked enough to sleep with and finally found someone. We slept together on the second date and it turned into an on-and-off thing for 6 months. And right after him I rebounded with another guy and we slept together on the first date and I got pregnant and we ended up together for 9 awful years. And then this year, as others have read on another thread, I slept with a guy I wasn't interested in seeing beyond the first date. If I had liked the guy I probably would have waited a few more dates.

I really have no idea what the answer is to how long a person should wait. And I think age is a big factor. I was raised in a generation where quick hookups were in. And now at age 34, I question what men in their 30s think about this subject. You sleep with someone too soon and it makes you too easy, too available, there's no thrill of the chase and guys don't get to know you for you then. And if you wait too long, a guy loses interest because they aren't used to having to wait.
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