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 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 26
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Do you own your stuff, or does your stuff own you?

A very zen question.

I could give you what I would do, but since I represent maybe 3% of the population, it hardly would have any bearing on what other people would do. But since don't have any substantial assets, I do have a lot of freedom.

I suggest it depends on many circumstances that are too complicated to cover in a post.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 27
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You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 9:29:31 AM
Why does it have to be one way or another? Can not two people that care a great deal for each other and enjoy the company, keep what is theirs, and not try to combine what is not?

I like my privacy as much as I do the one that I share my adventures with, and when we are together, we share, but there is no reason to be together ALL the time. As one matures and has many life experiences, they will also accumulate material things that mean something to them, and they share their home their way. Why do you have to stop all of this and force one or both to change all that they have and have done, in order to please the other?

Just as I would not have a joint banking account again, or force a woman to take my name if we ever decided to marry, so is it with creating all the drama and pressure when two individuals decide to combine into one. Compromise is one thing, but getting rid of all that you have worked for and accumulated over the years, another.

I say take turns living in each others place as you care to share that and enjoy your own space as you care to enjoy that too. If you do decide to live together, one place needs to be saved for all those reasons that may happen, and renting it much more reasonable.

cd
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 28
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 9:51:36 AM
c_deacon, I agree with your post exactly! Too many times people get wrapped up in the what ifs. For people in their 50's and older, it doesn't have to be a major stress or a major issue. The renting thing is the fail safe answer and that can be for lots of reasons besides whether the relationship works or not. If you really love someone, you figure out what works and anything can work as far as renting, selling or whatever.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 29
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 9:54:31 AM
That is something that I have heard a lot of. In fact, the "living apart together" thing is like a movement! I am reading more and more about it. There are people who are even married and maintaining separate residences. They are called LAT relationships.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 30
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 12:14:18 PM

That is something that I have heard a lot of. In fact, the "living apart together" thing is like a movement! I am reading more and more about it. There are people who are even married and maintaining separate residences.


In my view you can couch this in a lot of smooth talk, but it's strictly a financial decision to have fun and protect your assets. It makes sense to both parties when the female has as much to lose financially as the male.

But when a female doesn't have any assets and the male does, then marriage or moving in together looks very good to a female. But to the male playing the field, staying single and not making any legal commitments makes sense from his POV.

When both are starting out and neither has assets, and they are young, then building a life together sounds a lot better.

I don't have a problem with any of this, but if so inclined I would rather move to a place like Asia where it's cheaper to have a lot more sexual relationship fun without any complications.

It appears if I know both parties financial position, one can predict how they feel about moving in together. All the talking is just rationalizing a decision that society says it should be about love but is being decided by looking at financial assets.

Of course not everyone, but a majority.

Money and sex makes it all go around.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 31
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 3:45:44 PM
It can be financial. I know someone who was doing it because she has a special needs son, and didn't want to impose the challenges she has with him on to her partner, nor disrupt her son's daily flow. They aren't married, and spend a lot of time together, and he loves her children, and they love him, but he maintains his own residence as well. She swears by it and it seems to work exceedingly well for both her and her boyfriend. They remain very happy, going on 4 years already. Perhaps it's an option in the future, should I ever decide to get into a long term relationship again.

Like I had stated before, I am acutely cognizant of the potential for being taken financially on this issue (as I had been before - in that case, he had no assets so he moved in with me), and therefore, I am acutely cognizant of not wanting to take someone else financially on it as well.
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 32
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You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 4:03:48 PM
My girlfriend and I both have nice houses in and upscale neighborhood only minutes apart. We see each other 3 or 4 times a week and no issues with the arrangement. We are buyng a winter retreat in Argentina together but still will have our own individual places in Canada.

Anyways, we both know ourselves, like our individual space, down time, etc. When we get together it seems more special and there is an extra spark. As we get 'older' there is more options than in youth when finances are tighter, marriage is a topic, children are involved, etc. Folks can be content in whatever arrangement they agree works best for them.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 33
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Posted: 4/14/2013 4:24:19 PM
Not everyone is financially prepared for retirement at this age, especially in this economy in the US. So it makes sense to consolidate funds and housing if you feel the search is over. And a winter home is really off my radar.
 acads
Joined: 6/11/2012
Msg: 34
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/18/2013 8:19:35 PM
The one thing I know is that the house would not go on the market until after the wedding date if it ever came to that.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 35
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Posted: 4/19/2013 8:25:16 AM
My GF and I are facing a decision like this in the fall.
I believe it will make good sense to rent her home out and have her move in with me. That is what she has stated she prefers. I am keenly aware that things could go wrong so I am encourgaing her not to sell her hard earned property. I want her to have a place to land if things go south.
If she decides that the commute is a bit much then the compromise would be to rent a house in between where we live and to rent out my house as well.

Kinda makes me long for the days when I was young and naive and thought it would last forever...;)
 searcher3013
Joined: 12/27/2012
Msg: 36
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 5/1/2013 9:44:01 PM
I'd really want our house to be "ours"---not mine or his. If one or both of us wanted to keep our current homes to rent out, I suppose that would work too, as long as we had the neutral territory of our shared home.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 37
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 5/2/2013 4:57:40 AM
The scenario presented seems so far from possible in my life I find no need to even consider the possibilities. Kinda like wondering what will happen when the aliens invade.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 38
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Posted: 5/2/2013 6:22:26 AM
^^^Walts, I see you have taken the time to spiff up the old profile so you must have hope of a LTR. If that happens, would it really be such a stretch to consider the options of co-habitation scenarios?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 39
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Posted: 5/2/2013 6:50:06 AM

Walts
The scenario presented seems so far from possible in my life I find no need to even consider the possibilities. Kinda like wondering what will happen when the aliens invade.

Aliens? Invade??? WTH, I’m still preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse, and now we’re supposed to be worrying about the aliens invading? Why doesn’t anyone tell me these things?
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 40
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 5/3/2013 4:33:17 PM

The scenario presented seems so far from possible in my life I find no need to even consider the possibilities. Kinda like wondering what will happen when the aliens invade.

But you're the one that always busts us at it!

Nice new photo BTW.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 41
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 5/5/2013 5:08:58 PM
I have so much experience with this topic that I could write a chapter. But I'll spare you and just give you a couple.

One is actually a current situation. I started dating this woman last July. Around October her lease was up and she needed to move because she was paying too much for her place. I'm one person in a 4 bedroom townhome with 3 of the rooms literally empty. I offered to let her move in and save money towards buying her own home that she that she telling me she had been working towards. Both of us knew that we weren't ready to move in together as a couple. Way too soon. But we discussed it in depth and decided that it was risky for both of us, but if we were adult about it, even the worst case scenerio wouldn't be horrible. We ended up breaking up January 1. Actually living together fast tracked things and we both realized that we weren't compatible. She's still living here. Still saving serious money and taking care of the pieces needed to buy her home. She's dating some other guy and the last time she mentioned it she's hoping to be looking at buying this fall. So a happy ending as far as I'm concerned and I'm sure when each of us look back it will be with a smile even though we didn't work out.

I also dated a woman several years ago who had a place out in the country about an hour from me. I had and still have a place in the suburbs. She was a nurse and worked about 15 minutes from me. Her commute was at least an hour and a half and even that depended on weather and traffic.

It didn't take long for her to be spending the night at my place on the days she had to work. Then she also had a retreat she could go to if she need some alone time. We called one the "City Home" and the other the "Country Home", but both of us were able to enjoy the benefits of having both. We lasted over a year and parted with no hard feelings and are still friends today. No regrets at all with that situation either.

Overall I would say if you communicate well, discuss all of the options of how it could unfold in the future and negotiate a fair to both parties agreement than anything is possible.
 m8t
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 42
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 5/5/2013 7:29:20 PM
#1~ Its all just stuff, stuff, and more stuff. Its people we cant replace.

I sold my home in Florida in 2000, when I moved to North Carolina to be with my late fiance.
When his house burned down in 2004 we both started over together with nothing.
Years after his passing I discovered I am home within myself. No one place can do that.

Currently I moved to Washington state to help my daughter while my son in law is deployed.
I own a home in New York Ive had rented out for many years. Would I sell it to live with a man? No.
Moving isnt a problem for me, because I've learned to let go of "things" that arent important anyway.
I would want to purchase a home together to live in with the hopes of a lifetime commitment.
Im getting too old just to casually play house.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 43
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Posted: 5/6/2013 4:46:22 AM
Was always a worry of mine as well.
I could never imagine leaving my home that I have busted my ass to have.....and have the way I wanted!!

Luckily, I fell in love with a man that had just moved back to our home state and he was just renting......
so I have made room for him and his things and it is now "our" home.
But it will always only be in my name and he has no issues with that.

At this stage in our lives, this is definately something that should be discussed fairly early in a relationship.
Especially in this time where people are dating more long distance than before.
 SILLYGIRL111
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 44
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Posted: 5/6/2013 5:26:20 AM
I would never sell my home. I just would go back and forth to his home and mine.
 LaughingHeart12
Joined: 3/24/2012
Msg: 45
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 5/10/2013 11:30:20 AM
Absolutely do NOT sell the house right off the bat. A few years back, I got seriously involved with a man from here, and after a year and half of dating, we decided to try living together. I rented my house out, and moved in with him. After a year, it was clear it wasn't going to work. I moved back into my own house, and was SO glad I hadn't sold it.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 46
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 6/10/2013 10:18:00 AM
Common sense is important. If both have suitable residences, then renting one property and having the rents pay expenses, and living and sharing the costs in the other would make sense.

My fiance and I came to an understanding, when we decided this was the real thing and we wanted to get married, almost 20 months after we met. We dated and got to know each other and each other's families really well before we moved in together .

He's bought into my home which has a good location for both of us, and we've invested equally in a rental property with the funds we both had left over after combining our households.

There are numerous ways of handling this situation. The most important part is giving a relationship time to determine if it's what both people want and if it will last. Too many jump into co-habitating much too soon and that's when problems arise.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 2/24/2012
Msg: 47
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 6/12/2013 7:00:59 PM

The scenario presented seems so far from possible in my life I find no need to even consider the possibilities. Kinda like wondering what will happen when the aliens invade.

ditto :sobs:
 sassyscorpiochick
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 48
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 6/13/2013 4:56:48 PM
My bf and I have been together 2 years . Neither one of us has any plans to sell either of our places. He stays here a lot, I stay there sometimes, and sometimes we spend a night apart. It works well for both of us this way.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 49
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 6/16/2013 4:40:49 PM
Communication is key; making sure there won't be any changing of mind too because once the bridge is burned, starting over is a WHOLE lot more complicated. And the things people don't want to talk about become important (not only where you live, but what do you have up.) I just had a relationship end where I was demanded to always be an hour and a half each way out of my way in a house decorated with squaw paintings and deer head with my car destroyed by dirt roads going up to the property It killed the relationship. Stunning house; great guy; but the drive added literally 20 hours a week to my working 50-60 hours; I literally coudln't afford to date him between excessive gas and car damage and him never ever being willing to come to where I based and had most of my work, house, friends and clients. And he honestly thought he was spoiling me.

IT does seem the fairest is to have both people sell and find somewhere that works for both people; then both people have the same vantage point and there are no "ghosts" in the house that affect one or the other; it is a cean slate for both.

Otherwise, just go back and forth and keep both.

But think long and hard before giving up everything to make that move. It is not easily undone. Renting one of them out makes more sense than selling outright.
 drumsafrican12
Joined: 6/19/2012
Msg: 50
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Posted: 10/21/2017 12:46:38 PM
I think it's very very important to consult a family law lawyer before you make any of these decisions. Many people live together and then are shocked when, upon separation, their ex common law partner is entitled to half of all the assets which were accumulated during the time they lived together. Different geographical areas have different requirements too.

Living together is a legal and economic decision, not just a romantic one, as is marriage. Do your homework first. Consult a lawyer.
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