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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > this ladies, is how good guys become jerks      Home login  
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 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 26
this ladies, is how good guys become jerksPage 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
OP, Decent guys don't need or care about seeking revenge, or rewards. Anyone can be 'nice'. The bus driver on the corner may loathe your guts inside and out, but he can still be 'nice' to you.

Keep in mind the next lady down the line is a different person, and is a new opportunity for you to be a gentleman. Whatever burns you so bad from this last relationship, you gotta set it aside and start anew.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 27
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/13/2013 12:08:27 PM
OP, you are an active participant in what goes on with this regard. Doing anything to get a specific response is something you and only you can be blamed for. Never do anything for someone who didn't earn it unless you want to do it for the sake of it. That way, it's its own reward. Some people won't thank you or choose you based on the nice things you do - that's life.

"Ladies, here's an example of what guys go through - now I'm going to be a jerk because a girl didn't pan out the way I expected" is what I see here. However, you're not raelly a victim - at all. Ignoring signs that don't favor your desired outcome and hanging on things that you want to hear or see isn't really being taken advantage of. The onus is on you to look past your attraction and use your head to determine whether a woman you want is being straight with you.

In your defense, you need a lot more practice reading people and adjusting according to the information you collect and you have to grow a thicker skin, so this is just maybe a rookie mistake. In the future, declare your interest quickly (take risks), determine genuine mutual interest (use your head and pay attention) right away or soon after, and then take the information and make a choice.

If you are offered friendship and you know you will always want more, explain that to the woman offering and decline gracefully. If someone is really interested in you after you clearly express interest to them, then you can start dating from there.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 28
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/13/2013 10:36:01 PM
Ah yes, another woman bashing, it's all their fault thread. I think it takes more than one heartbreak for a "good guy" to be turned in to a "jerk". Instead of whining, why not realize and accept that SHE is the one who is a jerk and that you dodged a bullet?
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 29
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/13/2013 10:57:06 PM
So for the last 3 weeks I have been friends with this girl. She knew that I was very infatuated with her. She made jokes about us having sex etc.
She just broke up with her boyfriend who was a total jerk(sat around watching sports on valentines day) so I thought if I was around and she was ready, we'd end up together.


Mistake#1 - she "just" broke up with her boyfriend, but:


She took pictures of us hugging to make her ex jealous so I really thought she was into me.


Major issue #1, she's taking pictures of you hugging to "make her ex jealous"? First off, that says she's still emotionally very tied up in that "ex"-relationship, and second its pretty damn childish of her.

I'm guessing she's just really hot, because that alone would make me totally uninterested in someone. Trying to "use" me as some kind of "vengence" on a past partner is immature and not something I would find attractive.


Last week we go out and she brings a guy that I knew she had a crush on. An hour later they're making out and leaving me to be the third wheel. So this random get alcohol poisoning and passes out outside. Knowing first aid I put her in the recovery position and stay with her until the ambulance came. They ditched while I was doing this. I find them at another club later on.


Ok, mistake#2 on your part, especially after:


She has made out with other guys while we were out


She spent the entire time (man, *3* whole weeks??) she's made out with multiple guys in the 3 weeks you've known her and yet this last guy finally ticked you off just because it's someone she told you she had a crush on? Hey, let me guess, every one of those times she's been making out with guys while with you, she's been getting wasted at the bar too? Quality woman there...


I no longer talk to her after I yelled at her for using and ditching me. So now I'm done being the nice guy. Another good man turned into a jerk. This is why you don't lead men on ladies.


She was leading you on from the start, and you accepted it. It should have been *plain as day* she wasn't interested in anything with you the first time she made out with some other guy. Let me give you a hint, a woman who is *really* interested in you, *isn't* going to be making out with other guys when you've gone out together. After the first time, the times after that first one are *your* responsibility for having blinders on.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 30
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/14/2013 4:01:23 AM
OP...If you did by chance get with her, you would have been on the receiving end of her bad behavior. It's like the person who participated with the cheater eventually gets cheated on by the cheater. Cut this cancer out of your life.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 31
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/14/2013 10:37:20 AM
"Good" people don't "become" jerks. Doesn't happen. Ever.

Bascially OP, if you are now defining yourself as a "jerk", you have always been one.

Tis true.
 sexandthepof
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 32
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/14/2013 10:56:06 AM
Here are some advices for you:

1. Learn from your mistake
2. Don't blame others
3. Don't generalize everyone
4. When you fall, stand up, dust it off and move on
5. Don't be a doormat; somebody will step on you (unless you want to)
6. Choose to be whoever you want to be, nobody can make you to be whoever you don't want to be

So on... add whatever else you want to. You're the one who is responsible for your own mistakes and your own life.
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 33
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/14/2013 4:01:28 PM
I totally disagree with that!!!!!!!^^^^^^^^^If you abuse a dog enough..That dog will bite.It happens everyday.That is base on fact.Some people can take so much. And do not hand me people ask for it.Or people choose people that hurt them. What a bunch of bull.If people would be more honest maybe there would be less hurt in the world...OP sorry things went bad for you.I hope you can find someone honest. They are far few and between
 ShOrTnSwEeT4ever
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 34
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/14/2013 5:57:33 PM
Wow...some folks are being a little bit hard on you. I think some of what they are telling you is certainly true (i.e. She was never interested in you as more than a friend.), but I think it could have been said in a kinder manner. Being single with a broken heart is hard enough, and most of us have been there, so I'm not sure why the need to pile on. Anyway, I do agree that you were used and discarded. But I can understand how it can happen. When we care for someone we really want to believe the flirty remarks and occasional statements of caring are for real, and not just what they're throwing out to keep us around for times when no other option is available. I've been there (recently) - which is why I find myself on this forum...hoping for advice on how to get over a broken heart. Unfortunately, I don't think either you or I will find it here...too many jaded people.
My advice is to move on (what I'm trying to do), though it is very hard. Many times users such as the girl you encountered and the "gentleman" I encountered will begin throwing out signs of interest when they see you are no longer going to be there. It's hard...I know that all too well, but remind yourself of this: "Never make someone a priority who has only made you an option." And yep, easier said than done. Good luck!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 35
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/14/2013 7:31:50 PM

changing my attitude towards dating, all my years of kindess towards others is suddenly nullified. So I'm actually a bad person because I've become callous towards the whole dating scene?


You are the typical "nice guy." YOU ARE. You slime around the girl. She does her shit to you not only once, but several times. Then you are angry. YOu got what you deserved. I prefer to be the a ss hole. What that really means is that, I do not put up with shit, regardless of how pc my be. I am not there to baby sit a woman so she can fvck someone else. She is there to see we can eventually fvck each other. Everything that happened to you, is your fault. You allowed, you created it.

Are you going to turn into a Jerk now. I can see you crying and ****ing. But I don't see you turning into that jerk. YOu just don't know how. Jerks are simply "nice guys" that do not know how to grow a personality, to stand for what they believe, and if the woman wants to use him, he smiles and says "fvck off."
 twelfth_dimension
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 36
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/14/2013 8:45:31 PM
The truth is you were never really a nice guy. You were a chump who was hoping to weasel his way into a relationship by play the part of a doormat. It didn't work -- and now instead of just dusting yourself off and saying "well, that was pretty dumb", you choose to spite the whole world for your own stupidity. Typical chump-like behavior.
 StrykinOut
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 37
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/15/2013 10:00:16 AM
So a guy hangs out around a girl who is rebounding, hoping to prey on her while she is in a vulnerable state, and instead she ends up using him to further her own agenda. Sorry, but I don't see the good guy in this scenario.
 lostcausein
Joined: 3/16/2013
Msg: 38
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/15/2013 10:13:26 AM

So now I'm done being the nice guy. Another good man turned into a jerk. This is why you don't lead men on ladies.


You lead yourself on.

A " good man " would learn from this mistake NOT choose to turn into a jerk.

Get over it and be smarter from now on.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 39
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/15/2013 10:50:35 AM
Looks like a big ole temper tantraum to me...

"I didnt get what I want and I wasnt paying attention to the signs....so now ALL you girls are going to pay!
Behold MY TRUE FORM!!!!! Muahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!"

A good person does what is right because they know it is right not for reward or fear of punishment from the law.
"Goodness" has no contingencies...It stand's on its own.

You are not a "good" guy if you are supportive with stipulations. You may be called "well behaved", or "helpful"...but you are really just a jackal.

Sorry if that sounds mean, but you were hoping to capitalize on someone elses mistake and clean up the scraps left from the last kill.
 varyk
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 40
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/17/2013 1:13:56 AM
First, I am truly sorry it went down so badly, but you could have avoided the pitfalls of is unrequited love. You were fooling yourself pretending to be her platonic friend and by lingering around and quietly waiting in the wings for her to fall in in love with you. Essentially, you have been setting yourself up for heartache from the get go. Being friends with her knowing fully well that you were infatuated with her was never going to end well, because it is apparent that the feelings were one-sided and not reciprocated at least in the way you wanted it to.

Have some self-respect enough to know you shouldn't allow the actions and behavior of someone else to change who you are. Your heart is broken, shattered, and you are in grasping for relief from the anguish, but allow yourself to succumb to the vindictive nature of heartbreak, means you surrender! So, reflect, learn, recognize, pick up the pieces and move on, because newsflash she isn't the first and isn't the last women you will love. Good Luck!
 andy1961
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 41
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/17/2013 9:48:52 AM

The truth is you were never really a nice guy. You were a chump who was hoping to weasel his way into a relationship by play the part of a doormat. It didn't work -- and now instead of just dusting yourself off and saying "well, that was pretty dumb", you choose to spite the whole world for your own stupidity. Typical chump-like behavior.


Agree with every word!

Mr Nice Guy my a*s! And a complete chump
 psytle
Joined: 3/7/2011
Msg: 42
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/17/2013 6:09:46 PM
OP, I've been in similar circumstances before, and even though I feel your pain, I have to agree with the majority opinion there.

Don't evaluate people on what they say, evaluate them on what they do. She may have talked seductively around you at one time, but if she never did anything to back her talk up, then it doesn't mean anything.

You allowed yourself to be led on in hopes that she was serious about her sexy talk to you. Yes, it sucks.

Heck, I don't even know why you stuck around once you knew about guys that she has a crush on. If she was really interested in you, you would be the only person she's crushing on.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 43
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/17/2013 8:53:54 PM
Space Weaver- Great answer, exactly what I was thinking. True kindness expects nothing in return.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 44
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/18/2013 3:24:15 AM





The truth is you were never really a nice guy. You were a chump who was hoping to weasel his way into a relationship by play the part of a doormat. It didn't work -- and now instead of just dusting yourself off and saying "well, that was pretty dumb", you choose to spite the whole world for your own stupidity. Typical chump-like behavior.


^^^ Quite accurate analysis of the situation.





This whole situation being shared with us tonight is attention seeking..and yet you all fell for it.


You may be right and he was just seeking attention but, that is more of an assumption on your part than simply taking his post at face value. Additionally, now he knows that being a pvssy beggar doormat won’t get him much sympathy from either gender and, that while he may have gotten some attention, it came at the expense of losing the respect of the majority off those who gave it to him.



I am sure by now he feels terrible for joining in.


What he should feel terrible (and stupid) about is this: he _pretended_ to be a “good guy” expecting something in return, he gets angry because his childish deceit didn’t work out and, follows that by shifting the responsibility to women by pontificating about how women turn ankle biters, who are pretending to be “good guys”, into jerks (which in this case might very well be an improvement.) To top it off, instead of learning the lesson, he whines about it in public.



What is needed is for you to be christian about it. After all you and i we can comment on what we think he should have done...however the only ones who actually knew what happend was him and her.


If he had been “christian” about it, he wouldn’t have been trying to take advantage of a bad situation. If he had any sense, he should have realized that his actions were wrong from the very beginning. Instead of learning his lesson, he comes looking for sympathy, fortunately for him, you were in the forums to give him some.



is my membership worth this type of crap?


Given that you are a free member, what you’re getting is guaranteed to be worth every penny you spent and maybe even more. I don’t see what you have to complain about as far as that goes.



How do know he is being honest about what he saying and what actually occured?


Maybe we are just being “christian” about it and taking his story at face value instead of assuming it was just an attention seeking ploy on his part as you did.

 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 45
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/18/2013 4:17:02 PM
Sorry this has happen to you OP..Stick to be a nice/good guy..There will be a woman that will respect you one day.But they are far few and between.Most women do not want a true good guy.look at the forums.According to these threads on here you are either too nice,A chump or doormat for being a good guy.Please do not let this discourage you.Be patient she is out there. If a woman tells you you are too nice.Please let her go.She will end up with a guy that is NOT TOO NICE!!!She will get what she wants.And please respect to woman for being up front for telling you she does not want a nice guy.Just be weary of the ones that claim they want a nice guy,But been around losers all her miserable life.These types are very dangerous..Run fast.Very fast!!!!!
 dahlingdarling
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 46
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/18/2013 10:51:16 PM

It's like alot of people just refuse to listen to this fact, why, I will never know lol.

Possibly they never listen to it because it's way easier to put themselves on such a high pedestal as a martyr where the only possible reason they could ever be rejected is because they're (too) nice. So not only do they not have to do any self reflection on why they are rejected they can also use a good quality as their only 'flaw'..
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 47
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/19/2013 4:33:41 AM
@Nice-bur-dim.Sorry to tell you that you are barking up the wrong tree.You do not have a clue of my life experiences or what i have witness in my life.If you think that there is not a large percentage of women out there that do not go aftter drama kings(Drunks,drug addicts,jailbirds,bums,convicts)Then that is you..Not me.I am going do something i don't normally do here and post in block capitals.....WHY DONT YOU BARK UP ANOTHER TREE...It's like alot women that think they want a nice guy,But only have relationships with drama kings.
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 48
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/19/2013 9:27:35 AM
IT is mutual^^^I am also sorry your mind cannot comprehend there are two sides of the coin..There are women out there that will whine there are no good guys out there,But yet refuse to date one..Not only that. They are scare to death that a guy that has his crap together,But meanwhile back at the ranch when the first drama king (drunk,drug addict,convict,bum,arrogant)comes along she worship the ground he walks on..I am sorry you do not know that there are women that are like that..IF YOUR MIND CANNOT COMPREHEND THAT..Then that is your problem..NOT MINE!!!!!
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 49
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/19/2013 1:43:35 PM
Op, you are totally ignoring the role you play in life.

Ask yourself why you were attracted to a train wreck to begin with? Why are you not attracted to stable women who have thier chit together? Why, because you chased a trainwreck and got crushed, is it every females fault who comes along after her?

Look at your own choices you made along this journey and really ask yourself why you did those things!!
 CMarichal1965
Joined: 4/2/2013
Msg: 50
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 4/19/2013 2:44:08 PM
I get what you are saying, but if you really are a good guy and want to become a jerk, your true nature will not allow you. If you are a jerk this is going to be the excuse you use to become one. I've been through what you describe many times and I tell myself no more Mr. Nice Guy. As much as I want to become an ass when the time comes, my true nature takes over and tells me to do the right thing.

I hope this helps, but if not...Good luck with the Jerk thing
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