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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > this ladies, is how good guys become jerks      Home login  
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 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 101
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerksPage 5 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
^^^^I agree that context can be the deciding factor.
Sounds like in your example, she took advantage of you...but then again, maybe she thought it was part of your grand gesture.
Was your washing machine a high efficiency?
Maybe she though her soap wouldnt work (I know, I know)and then used a traditional amount?

Tough to tell.
I have seen women (please forgive the generalization ladies) who were clueless about how they influenced the behavior of some "nice" guys. In a few of these situations tiny rage monsters did surface.
Usually at being friendzoned.

I saw one person really trying hard, playing by the polite rules and the gal APPEARED to be allowing and encouraging it. Turns out she was just clueless and a little selfish...and may have encouraged it because she was a dinner whore. :)
She allowed this to go on for three weeks or so and then told him that she just wanted to be friends.
Brian "sort of lost it".
(Name changed to protect the overenthusiastic but well meaning guy.)
I think if everybody cut each other an extra few percent slack, things might go a little easier.

Ladies I'm NOT saying its your fault, but if someone flips on you, please dont forget to ask yourselves if there was some way YOU contributed to the situation.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 102
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 7/22/2013 11:53:29 AM

Ladies I'm NOT saying its your fault, but if someone flips on you, please dont forget to ask yourselves if there was some way YOU contributed to the situation.

Bingo.
Yeah, there are some guys are hopelessly ignorant and almost incapable of self-introspection, but that doesn't mean it's OK for the Gal to place ALL the blame on the a-hole.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 103
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 7/22/2013 4:14:01 PM

I saw one person really trying hard, playing by the polite rules and the gal APPEARED to be allowing and encouraging it. Turns out she was just clueless and a little selfish...and may have encouraged it because she was a dinner whore. :)
She allowed this to go on for three weeks or so and then told him that she just wanted to be friends.
Brian "sort of lost it".
(Name changed to protect the overenthusiastic but well meaning guy.)


Obviously in this scenario your buddy is the mixed up well meaning gosh darn nice guy who caters to a selfish dinner whore until she tells him she just wanted to be friends. Now is that “wanted” or “wants”? Because there’s a difference you know.

You assume she led him on out of selfishness and cluelessness, but MAYBE she was under the impression they were dating, (because I’m sure he didn’t tell her the truth) and sometimes, women need more than two hours to decide how she feels about a man. (despite the claim by some men that women know immediately)

If “Brian” can’t date without “losing it,” maybe he’s too immature to be dating. Sounds like just another typical nice guy faker who throws a temper tantrum when he doesn’t get what he wants from a woman, and sees red from “wasting” his time and money on her without the payoff. Pfffft!
 J_BigHorse
Joined: 7/17/2013
Msg: 104
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 7/22/2013 5:37:57 PM
If a good guy is smart, he will find a good woman & there won't be alot of game playing going on. And once he finds his good woman he should treat her right. Good guys & good women generally get grabbed up quickly unless they have extenuating circumstances or choose to not be in a relationship.

The trick is to be smart.
 Space_Weaver
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 105
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 7/22/2013 7:35:35 PM
Since there are just tooo many posters in here that love to exaggerate their tales, I'm interested to know if any of those 'Nice Guys' that turned into 'Rage Monsters' were actually DECENT people who simply got sick of being TREATED like a doormat


From my experiences, I used to let the phrase, "you're a nice guy but,....(then silence)", get to me, yet I didn't let it change who I am. I never was anybody's doormat. They know what the but of it is, yet they won't ever say it. However, I still think it is an absurd phrase to say after just one meet and greet over a cup of coffee. Do we know who one another is from about an hour or so of meeting? No! It's mostly about lack of physical chemistry is what they are trying to say. The best way someone could convey this is by maybe saying, "I'm sure you are a good person, but I don't think we would be a good match. " It is simple as that people. You are leaving no mysteries, perplexities, or cliff hangers, or have guys create assumptions about women only wanting jerks (which the nice guy phrase has created).

I think what some of the problem is, is monkey see, monkey do. How many threads have I read, or guys say, "you're a nice girl but....." Slim to none. I have yet to hear anything such. It appears that the nice guy phrase is exclusive to women. For the most part there are some truly sincere and good people out there, yet to say there is an underlying disguise of a jerk is pretty fallible. This is just being jaded by some farce of a rationalization way out in left-field.

Only time will tell who is naughty or not. Only Santa knows from the get go.

Silly Geese.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 106
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 7/23/2013 4:46:11 AM

If “Brian” can’t date without “losing it,” maybe he’s too immature to be dating. Sounds like just another typical nice guy faker who throws a temper tantrum when he doesn’t get what he wants from a woman, and sees red from “wasting” his time and money on her without the payoff. Pfffft!


I would think that you would have needed to be there to judge the situation. I was able to see it and the after math.
You missed the three weeks time line as well.. The point is that sometimes (purposely or not...) women can appear to mislead men and it can get very frustrating for the man.

Knowing my friend quite well, I can tell you he was very honest.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 107
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 7/23/2013 7:06:32 AM
If people took dating a lot less seriously/personally - no one would get that frustrated. You're not being told you can't buy food at the market - it's just dating, and it's lack of mutual attraction which happens most of the time. Sure, some assume you're going to get upset and therefore are less direct about their "no, thanks" - anything but an enthusiastic yes is pretty much a no. Take the no and move on.
 Definition_Of_Insanity
Joined: 6/12/2013
Msg: 108
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 7/23/2013 11:52:13 AM

But on the other hand most worthless POS(drunks,drug addicts,bums,convicts)have no problem with women catering to all their needs.


I have lived a good number of years and have had many female friends over my number of years and I will admit, I don't know anyone who has actually dated, let alone catered to a "drunk/drug addict/bum/convict"....

As I look around my work place today (discreetly because, yeah, I should be working :) I see mainly married female co-workers. Are their marriages perfect? Probably not as perfection is tough to achieve, but I can honestly say most of them seem pretty darn fond of said husbands. I've met a good number of these men and they are mostly: seemingly nice guys with decent jobs (though some have struggled with our recent 'fun' economic times) who for the most part seem to function as partners to their wives in many things, including parenting.

Gosh I never realized I was so sheltered!
 MsMaggieMay
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 109
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 7/24/2013 2:34:06 AM

I have lived a good number of years and have had many female friends over my number of years and I will admit, I don't know anyone who has actually dated, let alone catered to a "drunk/drug addict/bum/convict"..

I second this. In my almost 40 years on this planet I only ever knew one woman who stayed with an abusive jerk. Where are all these women who are supporting and pandering too all these ex cons/dead beats/drug dealers/wife beaters???? How come it is that if all these men claim that all women,or at least almost all women want this,then how come I have only ever known one? I am no more different then anyone else. My life is no more different then the average person. I don't live behind convent walls.

The bottom line is that if you don't want to do something for someone then don't offer. If asked say no. If you can't handle dating without a 100% guarantee that she/he will end up marrying you,jumping into bed with you or at least giving you a blow job, then don't date. If you can't afford to date then ask the other person to pay their share. If they say no,well then you just weeded out someone who you would not want to date anyway right?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 110
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 7/29/2013 4:49:46 AM
If someone decides to be a jerk because someone else upset them, then that person IS a JERK, entirely independent of who set them off. Period.

Other people present you with problems. YOU are responsible for your chosen SOLUTIONS.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 111
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 7/29/2013 12:35:39 PM

If someone decides to be a jerk because someone else upset them, then that person IS a JERK, entirely independent of who set them off. Period.
Other people present you with problems. YOU are responsible for your chosen SOLUTIONS.

When people get upset, the WAY they do it varies widely depending on their background. Some people don't think they are truly 'mad' until something gets broken or holes get punched in sheetrock. Others grew up in a loud boisterous family and don't think twice about screaming across the room (or across the street) at someone. Being able to understand how your date/partner deals with stress goes a LONG way towards effective communication. Being sympathetic about their personality means being able to understand it. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure that out - but hopefully it can be done sooner rather than later.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 112
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 7/29/2013 2:48:34 PM

If a woman truelly wants a catch.She will get one.

It's not quite that easy... and depends on how good of a catch she is... Same with a guy.

If a woman meets a man and he is respectful and does all the right things,then he considered to nice by her thoughts.But meanwhile back at the ranch she dumps him for some POS loser whoremonger bar lizard.

But that's a particular type of gal. That's not "women", is my point. If you run into that and see that Actually happening too much with little or no exaggeration, you're probably stuck in a bad sub-cultural environment, and you're only into the particular types of gals who are like that. Probably women out of your league in such a bad sub-culture.

I have seen women (please forgive the generalization ladies) who were clueless about how they influenced the behavior of some "nice" guys. In a few of these situations tiny rage monsters did surface. Usually at being friendzoned.

Usually falls into three categories when situations like these happen:
a) The girl flat-out lead the guy on or even more than just that, and he got pissed directly at her for a good reason. If the guy totally flips out, as opposed to keeping it at displaying disdain directly to her and pointing out why to help her think twice about doing it again, it still doesn't mean she didn't do him harm -- but he shouldn't have flipped out and he's an idiot for that, but that it's best to learn one's lesson with a guy who wouldn't be good VS a great catch.

b) The girl didn't really lead him on too much, she was on the fence, she could/should have handled it better but it was more of the guy's hopes that turned it from not really being led on much->feeling led on more like (a) when it wasn't. The guy had a right to be frustrated and not want to be friends with her in any way... but not to get all that pissed at her or anything (maybe a heads-up, while being cool about it).

c) The girl didn't lead him on at all, and the guy had a huge crush, played it cool, but was crushED when the bomb was dropped that she wasn't interested in him, and possibly flips out.

I think (a) happens more than what many women would like to think, while (c) happens much less than what many women would like to think.... all while (b) tends to be the most common, while the girl will think it's like (c) and the guy will think it's like (a). Both the woman & the guy will have biased perspectives by default. Especially the me-me-me types who've been hurt by the other gender.
 DudleyDuRite
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 113
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 8/12/2013 10:21:05 AM
Good guys don't become jerks. Good guys recognize that people have defects and either accept them as is or leave. If the actions of another change you, you weren't a good guy in the first place.
 that_ol_lady
Joined: 4/19/2013
Msg: 114
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 8/12/2013 11:20:50 AM

DudleyDuRite

Good guys don't become jerks. Good guys recognize that people have defects and either accept them as is or leave. If the actions of another change you, you weren't a good guy in the first place.


haha straight from the male species mouth an i totally agree..

my ex played the whole he's just a good guy with a bad rep in the beginning almost 4 years later of on an off bull s hit with his now obvious bi polar ass ya took me a lil minute to put all of it together i realized that he was the real jerk all along through his own behavior actions an words towards me an some others,,

so men who say ahh they just caught a bad rep but their just a nice guy people take the wrong way,,ya they caught a bad rep from other people for a reason an not because they have been nothing but a sweet an kind hearted person truthfully they have done an said something multiple times over an over for people to start talking an wanting to avoid them..
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 115
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 8/15/2013 9:16:41 AM

If someone decides to be a jerk because someone else upset them, then that person IS a JERK, entirely independent of who set them off. Period.
Other people present you with problems. YOU are responsible for your chosen SOLUTIONS.

Absolutely. You are either a good person or not, regardless of what others do. Don't bother date if someone not being interested back is going to change your whole personality. Grow up first.

You will find that being a jerk or an ass hole will get you far more women than if you were a good guy.

Depends on the women you want. There are some women who have no standards, and can't tell confidence from straight douchebaggery. If you are OK with dating those women, then go for it. Let the smarter women with more substance find someone who actually wants that in his relationship.

I myself refuse to be an ass hole, so instead I remain single and enjoy the single life.

Well, that's actually smart.

Be the biggest ass hole you can be and you will be amazed at how many women open their legs to you.

Again...if you have no standards or don't care to date women and just want the sex - this is the strategy for you.
 BornToKayak
Joined: 8/8/2013
Msg: 116
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 8/15/2013 9:00:24 PM
She was being honest with you.
What did you not understand? She took a picture of the both of you to make another man jealous.
She brought another man into the picture, made out with him, all the while you're watching?
If you pay attention, you will find you aren't any better than she.
By chance, were you wishing for sloppy seconds?

I don't believe any gentleman should talk about a lady/woman, real men don't.
I have found in my life, once a jerk , always a jerk.

You have growing to do, decide what you want and need in a woman, and what you have to offer, don't ever settle for anything less.
 cwisme
Joined: 6/13/2010
Msg: 117
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 8/24/2013 10:23:49 AM
Nice guys don't morph into creeps, they were always creeps masquerading as nice guys. While we all wear a mask to a certain extent, how true we really are to that mask will come out eventually.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 118
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this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 8/24/2013 3:55:47 PM
^^^^^
Agreed, but something's missing here...

"Meanwhile, back at the ranch"...
 Inexperiencedincali
Joined: 5/18/2013
Msg: 119
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 8/25/2013 8:52:08 AM
From what I gathered out of this. She Friends zoned you long ago.

It sounds to me like shes in the having fun stage. I wouldn't bother with her anyways.... To many options for her to choose from. Just leave her alone. Don't call her, don't text her for awhile.

Bottom line is yes. Playing the nice guy gets you nothing other than severe disappointment.
 sxymiss32
Joined: 8/17/2013
Msg: 120
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 8/25/2013 1:28:28 PM
Oh and men don't lead women on? You have learned what some men do to us women. Suck it up and move on!
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 121
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 8/27/2013 4:46:16 PM
I think people are coming down hard on the Opie:

He's not a nice-guy-turned-jerk: he's a pi$$ed-off 24 year-old who's venting about a crappy situation.
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 122
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 9/7/2013 8:00:31 AM
I have to agree with cwisme

If a man becomes a creep, odds are pretty good he always was a creep. Good people don't change because of disappointment.
 62Gibson
Joined: 1/27/2013
Msg: 123
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 9/7/2013 1:30:59 PM
Honestly this "If they become a creep they always was a creep" is bull.
If a woman receives the same treat over and over by men and states she will no longer trust, or believe a man , or be a B@#$% , that's fine and no one says she was always a B@#$.

But if a guy has always been a gentleman and treated women with respect got used, and finally has had enough and refuses to be used by women he was always a Jerk? This is so two-faced it isn't funny.

Now I did not read all of his comments but here are some points. SO I could be wrong on him in this case BUT>>>
First of all this guy may have always been doing the nice thing for her and many other women and made his intentions known from the beginning then it doesn't excuse her actions. Second I noticed he said he asked her out and she brought the guy along. I don't think he asked her AND the guy out. So her involving the guy is on her not him.
He also may not have known the her initial intention was just to make the ex jealous until after the fact. It may sound like it from the way he wrote it, but may not be the way it actually happened to assume one way or the other is an assumption. It could have been on how she presented the idea to him that gave him the intention it was real. For example"take the pic of us together, I want to show him I'm happy now" leading him to believe it was real. Possible? you bet.

Lastly everyone is justifying the woman's actions as ok ornot as bad since (if he knew the third point above) as being a jerk. I guess the woman possibly using him never crossed anyone's mind, thus it must have never happened?

Fact is just because a guy gives up and decides to be a Jerk does not nor has it ever meant he was always a jerk, some people are pushed to it. Just like some women are now a B%^& because the way multiple men have treated them.
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 124
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 9/9/2013 3:28:52 PM

Honestly this "If they become a creep they always was a creep" is bull.
If a woman receives the same treat over and over by men and states she will no longer trust, or believe a man , or be a B@#$% , that's fine and no one says she was always a B@#$.

If you're nice (male or female) for the sole sake of what it may get you in life, then you weren't a good person to begin with. You are who you are regardless of the world around you. Sure, you may adjust your actions in certain situations, but you don't become a completely different person.

I can understand a guy bowing out of the dating arena if he finds it too painful to participate. I can understand a guy avoiding women he's attracted to because he fears he'll fall for them and the feelings won't be reciprocated. He's accepting a stunted life, but we all do to some degree. Note that there is a key difference between Understanding and Accepting. We can understand why people act as they do, it doesn't mean we have to accept it.

I don't believe a person (guy or female) that is treated crappily has a right to transfer that crap onto another human being. You CHOSE to deal with crappy people. Regardless if you were naïve, you have to now deal with the fallback. It's reprehensible for a girl or guy to be a "jerk" to another person because of their inability to choose well.



Lastly everyone is justifying the woman's actions as ok ornot as bad since (if he knew the third point above) as being a jerk. I guess the woman possibly using him never crossed anyone's mind, thus it must have never happened?


The thread's title is, "this ladies, is how good guys become jerks.". Sure, she may have been using him. All we have is his viewpoint to go on, and from his of course she's using him. It's possible. I don't see that as OT since I don't see that's cause for a truly good guy to become a jerk. Good guys don't become jerks.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 125
this ladies, is how good guys become jerks
Posted: 9/9/2013 7:52:08 PM
People deal with disappointment ALL the time. Most of the people in these forums are still single, and thus not 'successful' at finding their soul mate. Most handle it decently. Some are confused about communication issues and such, thus they come in here to ask and clarify their mistakes.

People come in here to rant as well - some successfully, some rather lamely - but those who cannot see their own fault in the process are the ones that have the biggest troubles with communication. The 'Jerk' factor comes about when someone makes THEIR disappointment everyone ELSE's problem - and THAT comes from BOTH sides of the gender gap.

Nice guys (and gals) can get disappointed and angry. Some try to find creative ways to blow off steam. It doesn't make them 'jerks'. You don't have to show anger to be a 'jerk', either. Some of the coldest basterds out there are the ones that force their 'revenge' upon others through subtle manipulation of rumors, conversations, and other people to do the dirty work for them -- but make no mistake about it -- forcing others to deal with YOUR issues does indeed make you the 'Jerk'. It doesn't matter how 'perfect' of a human being you may appear to be, or how much of a 'hero' you are to a certain set of people - if you're still dumping your agenda on innocent people - you ARE the 'Jerk'.

Sh*t is always gonna happen. It's how we deal with it that makes us 'better' for it, or the 'Jerk'.
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