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 AUTHOR
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 48
Viagra And Divorce: A link? Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
It's good to read here Viagra doesn't cheat, cheaters cheat, which is the same as guns don't kill people, people kill people. Lead us not into temptation. Time to reload!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 49
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/8/2013 8:00:35 AM
It's the matching bath tubs outside. That is what causes all this cheating.
 venusenvy777
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 50
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/8/2013 2:51:28 PM
K...So what was the excuse before Viagra then??
 dahlingdarling
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 51
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Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/8/2013 8:03:32 PM

If two people are together a while and the man still gets turned on just by looking at his partner but the gal requires increasing amounts of foreplay I wonder if that means women are more inclined to stray.

I would think that means guys are more inclined to stray as all they need is an appealing to be able to have sex while gals need more likely intimacy and a connection with said person. In my opinion it's far easier to cheat just going by looks then it is to build intimacy and a connection.


Let me throw out a hypothetical situation. Let’s say a man and a woman have been married for 15 years. The sex has waned over the past few years and after numerous attempts to discuss it the man finally asks if a divorce may be the route to take as it’s obvious she has lost interest in him. While the woman is well aware of it and realizes it’s probably due to hormonal changes she doesn’t want to risk hormone therapy as a close female in her family suffered breast cancer and hormone therapy could increase her risk. When the husband inquires about a divorce she replies, “Are you nuts?!! I love you!!

So, the man has a number of choices. He can say, “Sorry, but I miss the physical intimacy and I’m leaving” or he can bargain for an occasional “pity f**k” which will satisfy neither one or he can attempt to live with it resulting in growing resentment and, in most cases, ultimately divorce after they have been at each other’s throats for years or he can discreetly seek solace outside the marriage.

Considering he and his wife are not having sex there is no possibility of transferring STDs to his wife should he contract any. She is happy and the stress of him constantly being “at her” is removed. Also, he is satisfied.

Would it make sense to inform her of his activities and rub her nose in it? Would it make sense to put the nagging thought in her mind that he may leave her for the new gal when he has absolutely no intention of doing so?

While integrity may be lacking does he get points for staying with his wife and adjusting his life so as to ensure she is happy?

Two things to consider. First, she has made it clear she is in love with him and the feeling is mutual and, second, she is well educated and employed so she is not dependent on him for financial reasons. She is with him because that's where she wants to be.

In my opinion he doesn't get points and he's adjusting his life so he's happy it's not about her happiness as unless she'd be happy being with a cheater in which case he wouldn't need to be discreet about screwing another. 'She is with him because that's where she wants to be' is iffy since it's a toss up if she would want to be with him if she knew he was cheating on her.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 52
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/9/2013 7:44:35 PM

(Msg. #54. Dahlingdarling) In my opinion he doesn't get points and he's adjusting his life so he's happy it's not about her happiness as unless she'd be happy being with a cheater in which case he wouldn't need to be discreet about screwing another. 'She is with him because that's where she wants to be' is iffy since it's a toss up if she would want to be with him if she knew he was cheating on her.


But shouldn’t he take into consideration the possible misperceptions she may have about cheating? In the beginning of your post you wrote, “I would think that means guys are more inclined to stray as all they need is an appealing to be able to have sex while gals need more likely intimacy and a connection with said person.” I interpret that to mean the woman has more invested in an affair. The woman is more likely to leave a relationship and go to the man she’s having an affair with because the woman usually likes the man more than a man having an affair likes the woman with whom he’s having an affair. In that case a woman having an affair is more serious in the sense there is a greater chance the marriage will be dissolved due to the woman leaving as opposed to the man leaving.

We say affairs are the worst that can happen but why? There has to be concrete reasons. Usually it had to do with the husband leaving. If we go back a hundred years woman and children starved if the man left the family. If we go back just 50 years, before the sexual revolution of the 60’s, women were generally uneducated and even those who were educated faced discrimination when applying for jobs. Today, the man is encouraged to leave!

As I noted in the scenario I posed the man is not having sex with his wife so disease is not a factor to consider. So, what legitimate reason should the wife have? The only answer I’ve seen is the wife should know but what is gained by her knowing? What is lost by her not knowing?

Then we have to look at what might very well be lost by her knowing and I refer to the beginning of this post. A woman’s perception of an affair is usually different. She will think her husband has a “vested interest” in the other woman; an emotional attachment, a connection. If she accepts it, it would be similar to an open marriage in some respects. At the very least the man will no longer try to hide it so he is more likely to inadvertently mention the other woman in conversation.

If his wife asks about his day over dinner does he lie and omit he had lunch with her? If he buys the other woman a small gift should he hide it or leave it out so his wife sees it? Is it fair for the wife to be reminded on a regular basis?

You wrote, “it's not about her happiness”, but it is. If she has expressed being very happy the way things are things will remain that way as long as he keeps it confidential.
 dahlingdarling
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 53
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Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/10/2013 9:21:36 PM
But shouldn’t he take into consideration the possible misperceptions she may have about cheating? In the beginning of your post you wrote, “I would think that means guys are more inclined to stray as all they need is an appealing to be able to have sex while gals need more likely intimacy and a connection with said person.” I interpret that to mean the woman has more invested in an affair. The woman is more likely to leave a relationship and go to the man she’s having an affair with because the woman usually likes the man more than a man having an affair likes the woman with whom he’s having an affair. In that case a woman having an affair is more serious in the sense there is a greater chance the marriage will be dissolved due to the woman leaving as opposed to the man leaving.

We say affairs are the worst that can happen but why? There has to be concrete reasons. Usually it had to do with the husband leaving. If we go back a hundred years woman and children starved if the man left the family. If we go back just 50 years, before the sexual revolution of the 60’s, women were generally uneducated and even those who were educated faced discrimination when applying for jobs. Today, the man is encouraged to leave!

As I noted in the scenario I posed the man is not having sex with his wife so disease is not a factor to consider. So, what legitimate reason should the wife have? The only answer I’ve seen is the wife should know but what is gained by her knowing? What is lost by her not knowing?

Then we have to look at what might very well be lost by her knowing and I refer to the beginning of this post. A woman’s perception of an affair is usually different. She will think her husband has a “vested interest” in the other woman; an emotional attachment, a connection. If she accepts it, it would be similar to an open marriage in some respects. At the very least the man will no longer try to hide it so he is more likely to inadvertently mention the other woman in conversation.

If his wife asks about his day over dinner does he lie and omit he had lunch with her? If he buys the other woman a small gift should he hide it or leave it out so his wife sees it? Is it fair for the wife to be reminded on a regular basis?

You wrote, “it's not about her happiness”, but it is. If she has expressed being very happy the way things are things will remain that way as long as he keeps it confidential.

No what he should take into consideration is that he is knowingly doing something that he knows he has to keep from her.

The legitimate reason the wife has against cheating it that it breaks their marriage vows and he is indulging in an activity that breaks her criteria for a partner. What is lost by her not knowing is her choice to be able to choose with full knowledge of who he is and what he does whether to stay or not.

You can twist it all you want that you're being magnanimous by not telling her of your deception and cheating but it's not because the act itself isn't fair to her. It's not fair for the wife to be lied to and cheated on. What is fair is for there to be full disclosure and let both parties can decide whether to remain or not.

It's not about her happiness because if it was he wouldn't do something that he knows would harm it nor risk it by doing something that needs to be kept confidential. He is doing this for himself because he wants sex it's about his happiness and he's trying to justify it to lessen his guilt. If it was about her happiness then he'd be celibate and masturbate however he wants sex so he cheats which is completely about his happiness not hers.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 54
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/11/2013 12:37:06 PM
It's not about her happiness because if it was he wouldn't do something that he knows would harm it nor risk it by doing something that needs to be kept confidential. He is doing this for himself because he wants sex it's about his happiness and he's trying to justify it to lessen his guilt. If it was about her happiness then he'd be celibate and masturbate however he wants sex so he cheats which is completely about his happiness not hers

Precisely.
I cannot speak for anyone else, but quite frankly, my personal estimationof the OP would be higher if he simply said" "My wife won't f*ck me so I've set myself up a little somethin'somethin on the side...end of story"-instead of all this convoluted parsing of meanings and verbal squirmings that he is performing to drown out his CONSCIENCE, which is shrieking at the top of its' lungs( does one's conscience HAVE lungs??) "this is wrong!"
Viagra and other ED medications do not cause cheating or divorce. It's how people handle the ramifications of ED and it's treatment strategies that may(or may not) cause infidelity and divorce.
OP, either get up on your hind legs and inform your missus that you cannot live in a sexless marriage, that the occasional "pity f*ck"( your own words, as I recall) doesn't meet your standards, and either she starts fulfilling HER obligation to the marriage( you have not indicated any genuine physical illness or debility that would actually make sex unduly difficult) or the marriage will end so that you can each seek your own level of comfort.
I GET that she may be a victim of menopausal hormonal changes, but there are ways to handle that without going the route of traditional/standard HRT.
I'm sorry, OP, but I kind of get the sense here that your wife may sort of have the upper hand in your relationship, whether that is due to an age-related factor, a financial factor or she just has a stronger will, I wouldn't care to speculate. But honestly, you do come across as sort of a PW/hen-pecked hubby that has found an excuse to secretly "get even" with your wife for her being the dominant one in your marriage.
While I have never been personally impacted by infidelity, I CANNOT support it as a means of coping/revenge for either party in a marriage or committed relationship. If there is a problem in a marriage, the partners need to step up and DEAL with it, not play games.
Cindy O
 dahlingdarling
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 55
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Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/11/2013 6:00:06 PM

my personal estimationof the OP would be higher if he simply said" "My wife won't f*ck me so I've set myself up a little somethin'somethin on the side...end of story"-instead of all this convoluted parsing of meanings and verbal squirmings that he is performing to drown out his CONSCIENCE, which is shrieking at the top of its' lungs( does one's conscience HAVE lungs??) "this is wrong!"

Exactly my opinion just be honest instead of this I'm doing it for her bs. However I find that to be highly unrealistic as in my observations and experiences guys very rarely take responsibility and accountability for their actions instead they excuse, dismiss, diminish, or twist it.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 56
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/13/2013 7:48:45 PM

(ladyc4. Msg 57)
(dahlingdarling. Msg. 56)It's not about her happiness because if it was he wouldn't do something that he knows would harm it nor risk it by doing something that needs to be kept confidential. He is doing this for himself because he wants sex it's about his happiness and he's trying to justify it to lessen his guilt. If it was about her happiness then he'd be celibate and masturbate however he wants sex so he cheats which is completely about his happiness not hers


Precisely.
I cannot speak for anyone else, but quite frankly, my personal estimation of the OP would be higher if he simply said" "My wife won't f*ck me so I've set myself up a little somethin'somethin on the side...end of story"-instead of all this convoluted parsing of meanings and verbal squirmings that he is performing to drown out his CONSCIENCE, which is shrieking at the top of its' lungs( does one's conscience HAVE lungs??) "this is wrong!"


It appears I haven’t been clear. First, let’s establish my wife loves me and I love her. That has to be understood before anything else can be understood.

Now, my wife has lost interest in sex. Yes, I could remain celibate and masturbate which is exactly what I did for five years. The sex continued to decrease to the point where it occurred twice a year for the last two years. I knew/accepted things would not get better so resentment started to creep in. Not intentionally. I just felt a combination of lethargy accompanied by being short tempered. I knew if that continued the marriage would deteriorate so I had to make a decision.

Obtaining sex outside the marriage had nothing to do with revenge or anger at my wife. If anything, the opposite was the case. I understood her position on doctor intervention even if it was questionable. I could not expect her to undergo any treatment which she considered may be detrimental because, honestly, who can guarantee it is completely safe? Even if it was completely safe if she didn’t think so that, alone, would interfere in the relationship. So, what were my options?

As it is now she is happy and I have found release and am much more contented. That’s it. Nothing more. Nothing less. That’s all it is. No ego building. No arm candy. No big excitement other than the normal excitement which accompanies sex. That’s it.

Why do folks have a difficult time seeing it in that light? If I was the run-around type would I have waited 17 years, five of which were sexual droughts?
 m8t
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 57
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/13/2013 11:17:41 PM
OP~ I do believe you are still trying to justify why you cheat on your wife.
Its not the viagra; its you. One day you will be alone with half your retirement gone.
Cheating leads to divorce, not a little blue pill.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 58
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/14/2013 10:33:26 AM
So, have you told your wife about your side dish? Hey, why not invite her and her child over for dinner? If your wife loves you I'm sure she will be completely understanding. Heck, maybe she'll decide to invite your family!

I'm sorry, but to me, unless there is a medical issue, sex-with your SPOUSE-is part of the deal. I have no doubt that other couples faced with one members' severe loss of libido or an inability to perform have managed to avoid adultery.
Like I said, if this is no big deal, then why keep your "sideline activity" quiet? If it is no big deal, why do you keep trying to explain/rationalize/justify it? Why not give all this information and discussion to your wife? Who knows, maybe she WON'T give a rats' ass about your side piece. Then you won't have to always be worried about what happens if she finds out.
Otherwise, I have to agree that you are taking a pretty significant risk with your FUTURE contentment.
Cindy O
 hotmerlot
Joined: 4/26/2013
Msg: 59
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/14/2013 4:23:51 PM
Esthetics PLEASE. This picture makes me want to gouge out my eyes.

If I had a sixty year old guy running around with a four hour boner because he's been taking Viagra, I won't need a divorce lawyer. But I might need a defense lawyer because I would probably just suffocate him in his sleep. Problem solved. Some things are just unnatural and need to be stopped for the good of the human race.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 60
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Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/14/2013 5:30:55 PM
In the "rough sex" thread, this OP uses all kinds of rationalizations to justify cheating on his wife. This thread is just more of the same.
 hotmerlot
Joined: 4/26/2013
Msg: 61
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/14/2013 6:23:05 PM
I agree. Dave keeps starting threads so that he can keep everyone on his favorite topic. Him.

I think his wife just got bored. I know I am.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 62
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/14/2013 6:46:24 PM
I am sure there is a link between Viagra and cheating, especially true if you aren't having regular sex with your wife.

And I know there is a link between cheating and divorce.

So yes, there is a link between Viagra and divorce.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 63
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/14/2013 7:37:29 PM
Just to set the record straight I do not take Viagra. I have no need for it.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 64
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Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/18/2013 2:00:48 AM

Just to set the record straight I do not take Viagra.


I believe you since "twice monthly" will fulfill your needs.


I have no need for it.


Have yet to hear that a man actually needs it from their own mouth, just wants a lil boost or another 5 minutes.

If Viagra causes more cheating then so will a boob job/ lift..ect
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 65
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Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/18/2013 10:02:49 AM

Walts
Can we blame the fashion industry for our lack of morals/values too OP?????? Cause, if I see one more young piece of a s s hanging out of a pair shorts,only my lack of imagination will stop me from doing what I could do.

“Lack of imagination” has nothing to do with it. Fear of rejection (if you approach in the conventional manner), or fear of prosecution (if you approach in the “cave man” style) would be more likely. But I have to admit, I really enjoy seeing an attractive woman with her cheeks hanging out of a pair of short shorts.


annywn
I get all hot and bothered over a sweet new pair of shoes, so I guess I have 200 cheating opportunities missed out on. Pfffft. That logic is idiotic.

So… the perfect first date with you would be to take you shoe shopping? (smile)


hotmerlot
If I had a sixty year old guy running around with a four hour boner because he's been taking Viagra, I won't need a divorce lawyer. But I might need a defense lawyer because I would probably just suffocate him in his sleep. Problem solved. Some things are just unnatural and need to be stopped for the good of the human race.

The statement quoted directly above indicates a complete misperception of the effects of Viagra.

If you have the desire, Viagra will help you to get an erection. No desire, no erection. Once you have the erection, Viagra will help to maintain that erection until you ejaculate. After which, your erection will subside. If it doesn’t, then you start worrying. And after 4 hours, you go to the emergency room and they stick an enormous hypodermic needle into your penis and drain off the excess blood.

Now after the first course is over, and the erection has gone to rest, then if you start fooling around again, the erection will re-occur. Which is the way things worked when we were younger. Viagra is much like the fountain of youth for men (leaving aside the possibility of the hypodermic needle – Ouch!).

People, both here in this thread, and elsewhere, often talk about the need for an equivalent drug for women. This is completely incorrect thinking. Women might (or might not!) need help with their libido, but viagra does not help your libido, so this suggestion / train of thought is completely erroneous.
 dahlingdarling
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 66
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Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/21/2013 6:21:29 PM

It appears I haven’t been clear. First, let’s establish my wife loves me and I love her. That has to be understood before anything else can be understood.

Now, my wife has lost interest in sex. Yes, I could remain celibate and masturbate which is exactly what I did for five years. The sex continued to decrease to the point where it occurred twice a year for the last two years. I knew/accepted things would not get better so resentment started to creep in. Not intentionally. I just felt a combination of lethargy accompanied by being short tempered. I knew if that continued the marriage would deteriorate so I had to make a decision.

Obtaining sex outside the marriage had nothing to do with revenge or anger at my wife. If anything, the opposite was the case. I understood her position on doctor intervention even if it was questionable. I could not expect her to undergo any treatment which she considered may be detrimental because, honestly, who can guarantee it is completely safe? Even if it was completely safe if she didn’t think so that, alone, would interfere in the relationship. So, what were my options?

As it is now she is happy and I have found release and am much more contented. That’s it. Nothing more. Nothing less. That’s all it is. No ego building. No arm candy. No big excitement other than the normal excitement which accompanies sex. That’s it.

Why do folks have a difficult time seeing it in that light? If I was the run-around type would I have waited 17 years, five of which were sexual droughts?


What has to be understood before anything else can be understood is that whether your wife loves you is a toss up considering her love for you may change if she knew you were cheating on her.

I never stated, suggested, or implied that you obtaining sex outside the marriage had to do with revenge or anger. I did state it was for your happiness and benefit not hers.

Perhaps folks have a difficult time seeing it in the light you want to portray it in because you're touting yourself as some guy doing right by his wife who is f*cking other gals for her happiness and benefit. Again you cheating on her is for your benefit not hers: "It's not about her happiness because if it was you wouldn't do something that you know would harm it nor risk it by doing something that needs to be kept confidential"
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 67
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Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/24/2013 3:08:04 PM
I doubt that his wife loves him - after all, she's not even willing to try to do anything to fix her lack of desire for sex, so she doesn't care much about his needs and happiness. More likely, she wants the stability and security of maintaining the relationship, because at her age and without any sexual desire, she's unlikely to pursue or find another one. Companionship becomes a major goal for some at this age and stage of life.

So, whether she loves him is kind of irrelevant. She's happy with status quo, he's not - and doing something about it. Maybe his motivation in not telling his wife is also a desire to keep the relationship intact without rubbing her nose in her lack. This sexual fling may be short-lived - he is getting older, too - and he and his wife may eventually be quite content to be together in a comfortable but passionless relationship.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 68
Viagra And Divorce: A link?
Posted: 5/24/2013 6:51:41 PM

(Msg. #69. Dahlingdarling) Perhaps folks have a difficult time seeing it in the light you want to portray it in because you're touting yourself as some guy doing right by his wife who is f*cking other gals for her happiness and benefit. Again you cheating on her is for your benefit not hers: "It's not about her happiness because if it was you wouldn't do something that you know would harm it nor risk it by doing something that needs to be kept confidential"


But it is for her benefit. As mentioned previous she told me she is happier than she has ever been.

After 5 years of declining sex resentment was starting to grow. It was affecting the relationship. My wife was becoming a roommate meaning I wasn’t doing the little things lovers usually do. Although not readily visible I could feel it. It’s difficult to put into words but I’m sure you know what I mean. The little extras one does for their lover like when two people first get together.

For example, when one first lives with their lover they don’t divide the housework like roommates would. They want to put the dishes away. They want to cook dinner. They don’t look at it like regular roommates thinking, ‘I did it last time. It’s his/her turn.’ They want to do things for their lover and I could see my interest was waning. My wife never complained. It wasn’t obvious but I felt it. (As I said it’s difficult to explain.) It’s like something was bothering me but I couldn’t figure out what. I wasn’t thinking specifically of sex when putting dishes in the dishwasher but the “joie du vivre” was fading. (Again, it’s difficult to put into words.) I knew if it continued the relationship would slowly decline. Sooner or later my wife would notice I wasn’t happy. Ultimately, the marriage would have collapsed.


(Msg. #70. ForRumOnly) I doubt that his wife loves him - after all, she's not even willing to try to do anything to fix her lack of desire for sex, so she doesn't care much about his needs and happiness.


Perhaps I never fully explained everything. She has tried natural remedies. Teas and vitamins and all kinds of natural products advertised to deal with menopause even changing her diet in certain ways going on some web site or TV personality’s advice. We are down to HRT and that’s not an attractive option considering the possible cancer link. Her symptoms are severe as far as hot flashes are concerned. I can see the perspiration on her body. I can see the physical effects. If she is willing to tolerate them I can’t expect her to take HRT just to increase her sex drive.


Maybe his motivation in not telling his wife is also a desire to keep the relationship intact without rubbing her nose in her lack. This sexual fling may be short-lived - he is getting older, too - and he and his wife may eventually be quite content to be together in a comfortable but passionless relationship.


That’s exactly my motivation. I know my wife loves me by the things she does for me, the way she thinks/considers me. It’s just that I need physical intimacy. My body craves it the same way a person’s body reacts when going through puberty. (Obviously not to the same degree.) I am reminded something is missing and its sex.

The other day I spoke with a lady who showed an interest in my AD. She is separated and doesn’t want to start a full time relationship but explained she needs to “de-stress”. Meeting two or three times a month would be ideal for her. She’s in her early 40s. She understands exactly what I’m going through.

I’m hoping things will eventually correct itself with my wife or I will slowly lose my libido and, who knows, maybe once or twice a year will suffice. HA! We both love each other and we get along very well but the lack of sex is bothering me. I don’t want it to destroy the relationship we have.

I really don’t understand why some folks have such difficulty seeing the obvious and make it out like I’m having some sordid affair. It’s not even an affair. The lady I’m currently seeing certainly doesn’t love me and I have no illusion I’m going to leave my wife and live happily ever after with a 25 year old beauty. Why can’t they see it for what it is?
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