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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Vesta_ceres
Joined: 4/5/2013
Msg: 26
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
OP,

I'm sorry for your grief over the loss of your relationship. Unfortunately, I can't tell you what went through his mind the time between when he decided to end the relationship and actually ended it. Something must have been seriously amiss for it to happen so abruptly without warning, but it's a reason you may not get when you want it.

I had a long-distant relationship with a man in Australia (and I was living in another state in the US), who was, by all accounts, generous and kind. We spent a good amount of time talking on the phone and on ICQ, exchanging e-mails, snail-mail and sending each other and our respective children gifts and cards. He was about 20 years older than me and we didn't have much in common as far as life experiences were concerned, but he was a great listener (as was I) and we had a very strong bond, for an LDR. Unfortunately, his doctor disclosed that he had prostrate cancer; he was very disturbed about it and did express it nervously- naturally.

I had not heard from him apart from his telling me his diagnosis and what *felt* like a good bye shortly thereafter. I'd wait a year for word on his health or his progress in treatment - nothing. I just assumed then that he was focusing on his health. I did what I could but decided to move forward - I eventually met somebody else.

Incidentally, two years after I met the other person, moved, got married, and had the baby, the Australian man messaged me on ICQ and explained to me what had happened with his health. (It was God's mercy, I thought at the time. Who knows what really compelled him to write; however, I was glad to see that he was still with us on Earth in that message.) He told me about his medical progress, his (wonderful) domestic partner; by all accounts, he seemed happy! I was happy for him, too. He was quite chuffed to learn that I had the second child and was chuffed to learn about the progress of my first child. We'd write to each other occasionally in the span of five more years, but he eventually passed away from the cancer. :((((

I'm not saying this is what's going on with your former lover. Sometimes there are just extenuating circumstances and the time we find out - if we found out - is never when we want but what we need. We eventually come to some conclusions on our own and sometimes they come out of the blue years later to say that they're sorry, if they do.

The moral of my story is the answer to your last question: you need to move forward. I know it's hard, but even with a reason in hand, the amount of time for healing and grieving is still the same. You did fairly well by suggesting him to think about this, but I would imagine that whatever it is that is keeping him from being with you is on his mind and he needs to focus on whatever it is that is troubling him.

Some relationships have the movement and lifespan of butterflies - take it as a learning experience. It was his gift to you to show you how you should be treated as a the caring individual that you are. Focus on that epoch of time: relish it and learn from it. If he returns with a reason, even if you have moved forward and found somebody else, accept that it was all meant to be.
 msright78
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 27
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/15/2013 2:53:35 AM
Im' sorry to hear that this happened to u. Not sure what his reasons were but I'm gonna guess that everything might have been overwhelming for him.

The fact that he has to look for a place to move into could be a reason.But then again, we are just assuming and throwing out answers.

I hate to say this but no one truly knows why he broke up with u. But u need to understand one thing, as painful as this process is, he's already made up his mind.

When ppl decide to want to walk out of our lives, we can't make them stop and stay. Instead, we let them leave and try to move on.

U need to look at this way, it's HIS LOSS, not urs!

This is how I cope with breakups.
 nikkisenko
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 28
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/15/2013 3:15:56 AM

Did something I said make him feel lesser of himself, so he realized he wanted to go at it alone? The only thing he said to me very fast aside from the fact that there is
Nothing wrong with me, is that he feels we are at different places I life. I said I am more than okay taking it slow and going at a pace good for him, but he still didn't budge.


It is highly doubtful that you said one thing and that was enough to make him want to stop seeing you. However, let's just say that you did, would you really want to be with someone who would be willing to ditch you over one misplaced comment? That is not someone who is 100% in the relationship.

I know it is hard and you are hurting. But, the answer you are looking for is right in front of you. He just didn't find you compatible. He is somewhat at fault for creating an illusion for you that everything was wonderful when, in fact, he has had questions for awhile. It is sorta like getting slapped in the face and can leave you feeling like you did something wrong. You did not. The only healthy thing left for you to do is let it go and move on.
 MissyTrouble
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 29
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/15/2013 7:49:39 AM
The one possibility that I have not seen anyone guess is:

He is unhappy you did not ask him to move in with you?..

Some people think 3 months is enough and since he is almost homeless, he may be feeling desperate and full of anxiety about it. Had you "Saved" him.. he may have kept you around..

BUT>. Op.. remember..If his "love" was conditional that way.. you dodged a bullet!
 mkc19
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 30
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/15/2013 8:31:09 AM
I actually gave him that option, but he thankfully turned it down a month ago. We both felt it was too soon.
I dunno... Saturday when I saw him he jumped into my arms and hugged me for like thirty seconds before saying how great it was to see me, etc.

I arranged a therapist appointment for tomorrow night... Already called my morning shift off work and I own the place haha.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 31
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/15/2013 8:44:27 PM
I think this is the first instance I have heard of a man friend zoning a woman , good for him . Feels good doesn't it .
 coderedjulia1
Joined: 2/3/2013
Msg: 32
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/15/2013 8:58:34 PM
lol I think you need to look at the OP's profile. He is a gay man. Anyways, you need to let it go. You are giving yourself false hope that he will change his mind. The longer you wait, the more hurt you are going to get. Don't try to contact him again, it will just make things worse. Just grieve over the break up and move on. He made it clear of his feelings.
 Aura1shine
Joined: 3/2/2011
Msg: 33
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/15/2013 11:56:22 PM
OP: My sincere sympathy and empathy what you have been through. Many of us on POF have been through break up like yours and may be more times than we can think. Point is don't waste your time trying to figure out what went wrong. Many players in relationship games using this tactic as well that he/she does not want to loose any back up when others is not available. It is the line that I myself heard once and from others whom been through this type of break up.

It is an emotional hook to keep you in a relationship waiting for his readiness to commit. He has no intention to be in a commit relationship. Break away and thank him for not wasting your time. Don't try to contact him. I just almost to place a bet that he will contact you. Do as everyone here gave you suggestion. Time will heal the pain.

If you still want him back, better ask yourself......whether you are willing to put up another game from him.

Good Luck to you!
 peaceful_garden
Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 34
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/16/2013 12:21:58 AM

OP: My sincere sympathy and empathy what you have been through. Many of us on POF have been through break up like yours and may be more times than we can think. Point is don't waste your time trying to figure out what went wrong. Many players in relationship games using this tactic as well that he/she does not want to loose any back up when others is not available. It is the line that I myself heard once and from others whom been through this type of break up.

It is an emotional hook to keep you in a relationship waiting for his readiness to commit. He has no intention to be in a commit relationship. Break away and thank him for not wasting your time. Don't try to contact him. I just almost to place a bet that he will contact you. Do as everyone here gave you suggestion. Time will heal the pain.


Impressive insight.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 35
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History
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/16/2013 12:22:57 AM

I think this is the first instance I have heard of a man friend zoning a woman , good for him . Feels good doesn't it .
This comment says so much more about you than anyone else. Bitter much? Anyway, friend zoning happens to both genders. There is no woman involved in this relationship. I also don't think it feels good to break up or being friend zoned for both individuals, except for you maybe.
 mkc19
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 36
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/16/2013 2:38:57 AM
I get what you are saying... I really do, and I know you aren't really meaning to stereotype, since you are considerably nice to me in your reply. I do know several gay couples that just work... And have done so for years. My cousin and his fiancé, for instance... My friends on Chicago have all been together with their partners for years... And my therapists both have been with their husbands for over a decade each. It really just depends, I guess. With me, it has either been timing (one instance in when I dated someone during a complete family crisis and it just was too much, which he understood,) or a completely harsh set of qualities in a guy that have done it in for me... Be it finding out they had prison time, worse, or flat out telling me it was not okay to text them goodnight or hug them despite being together with them. This last guy was completely none of those things.
I became friends with his roommate and best female friend during this... They both came out to me today and let me know they haven't heard of him talking about other guys, and that they both were just as surprised as I was. It is a harsh reality to process, that it was such a brash decision. However, they were very kind in telling me just how nice I am and that I will find happiness someday... Even if he doesn't come asking for forgiveness.
 mkc19
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 37
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/16/2013 3:38:06 AM
I get that, and thanks for your clarification. I didn't sense any bad stereotype towards me or anything btw. Yeah... This is certainly a case like those you have described... Although my straight roommate said the same happened to him and vice versa before and it sucks either way.
I oftentimes ponder if dating a girl would be any easier... And then I remind myself it unfortunately wouldn't, because I wouldn't be fully attracted or fair to either of us.
 CaptainTeebs
Joined: 11/10/2012
Msg: 38
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/16/2013 3:50:15 AM
I just broke up with my girlfriend, a lot of similarities here. The first 20 posts offer good advice, listen to them. Don't listen to the douchenozzles who suggest you get angry at the guy for wasting your time, etc.,.. no time was wasted, you both had three months to evaluate the situation. That's fair. Leave him alone, say "hi" if you bump into him, but don't really expect to hang around.
 peaceful_garden
Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 39
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/16/2013 11:48:58 AM
^^^The point of the anger is something that not everyone understands. You either get angry, in a controlled manner or you turn your anger towards yourself which is technically classified as depression. That's right, deal with your emotions appropriately or suppress them and deal with emotional baggage.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 40
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History
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/16/2013 4:23:29 PM
Go start dating one of his best buds.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 41
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/16/2013 4:38:18 PM
He has ADHD and anxiety? Those are often symptomatic of something much, much larger. That this seems to have been an "instant relationship," as well as an abrupt break-up, also gives me pause along those lines.

I would consider that there may be more to his mental health struggles than you know... and that perhaps you should be grateful for the split. It sounds like he is very nice and does genuinely care for you, but would not be a stable partner.

I concur with the advice given a few times above to refrain from contact with him and spend time with friends. I hope talking it over with your therapist helped, too.

ETA: Love your taste in music! Those are all among my many favorites, too.
 Terramay
Joined: 7/14/2012
Msg: 42
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/16/2013 6:02:13 PM
I don't understand for the life of me why people try to make you feel even worse after a break up.
The stuff?
I mean, you're hurt and upset, what about that?
But lets not get into the she/hebeasts of no love on these forums.


I'm sorry that he dumped you. Who knows why people break up anyways? Usually over such petty things anyway, really when it comes down to it. People dislike little things, and then let them fester until they seem much larger than they really are.

I don't care "if" she only dated him for three months. That was three months of her life that she invested into someone she cared about. And whenever you break up, it hurts.

But again, the she/hebeasts of the forums hate actually commiserating with anyone.
 mkc19
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 43
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/16/2013 6:45:03 PM
Thanks so much to the poster above^^^

I had an hour and a half meeting with my therapist... Who is also a gay man like myself for those of you not sure of my gender lol.
He was heartbroken for me... I cried... But after all of it, he said that he genuinely feels my ex was a great guy. He knows my history with horror stories of dating manipulator a, liars, and cheaters... And he can tell that it seems like I genuinely have lost someone deeply special to me without any closure.
He suggested strongly that I wouldn't have closure if I cut all ties to him. He is my best friend of sorts, and I would be wasting those moments with him for nothing. I should wait a week, contact him with a short text. If he replies, good... And we can test the waters from there as friends or more. If he ignores me, I have my closure in that he just didn't like me. If we stay friends, it is closure in that I know he really just wanted to date other people. If we date briefly and it doesn't work, there is closure and acceptance... And if it does work, we become a couple again. He said I would always be worrying why I didn't try to connect with him... And I agree.
 Terramay
Joined: 7/14/2012
Msg: 44
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/16/2013 6:57:49 PM
I'm glad that you were able to get some good advice, from a professional. Not some pricks heartbroken themselves on a dating site.
(Cause they're all doctors here, though. Right? Right.)

I'm sorry I confused your gender and again, I'm sorry that you're hurting.
 Aura1shine
Joined: 3/2/2011
Msg: 45
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/17/2013 1:37:09 AM

He suggested strongly that I wouldn't have closure if I cut all ties to him. He is my best friend of sorts, and I would be wasting those moments with him for nothing. I should wait a week, contact him with a short text. If he replies, good... And we can test the waters from there as friends or more. If he ignores me, I have my closure in that he just didn't like me. If we stay friends, it is closure in that I know he really just wanted to date other people. If we date briefly and it doesn't work, there is closure and acceptance... And if it does work, we become a couple again.


Wishing you the best of luck to get what are you hoping for! May be second time around will be fruitful in your thinking, if not.....may be more time needed as you willing to give.
 Aura1shine
Joined: 3/2/2011
Msg: 46
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/17/2013 2:02:05 AM

I oftentimes ponder if dating a girl would be any easier... And then I remind myself it unfortunately wouldn't, because I wouldn't be fully attracted or fair to either of us.


No, it is not easier because you will not be fulfill in your happiness. And yes, it is not fair to other party. I am wonder if you are dating a butch, would that be possible for a substitution? Please forgive me if my question happened to make any of you reader upset. It is just my own personal curiosity with no hidden agenda.
 mkc19
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 47
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/17/2013 5:09:49 AM
No, I would not be attracted to a butch girl... No offense to that question, as it was actually a reasonable one.

However, several posters keep bringing up the fact that they thought I was a woman. Why do you have to even bring that up if you have no real insight to give?
 livingwell247
Joined: 4/3/2012
Msg: 48
view profile
History
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/17/2013 6:22:39 AM
Did I say something wrong? Is he sick and doesn't want to tell me? Is he just too busy looking for his apartment to continue dating me right now?

You are spending a lot of time and energy specualting. Instead, maybe you should be spending time doing things for yourself. You met a nice guy and had a great time for three months, not a lifetime but as "nicetime". Thank God for it and then move on ......be his friend, but start looking for others to date. Turn the corner. You may think this guy was "it". Sounds like you were "planning" on it. Maybe it was "your plan". But it may not be the plan God has for you! Maybe you always really wanted a GREAT car and for a relationship this guy was starting to look like a "mercedes" . Hang on to your faith in times like this. Let go of the person telling you he wants to be friends. Don't be afraid to turn the corner. God may have a Bentley sitting there waiting on you.

This entire situation is likely unforseen forces working in your favor. Don't spend time questioning yourself. It is time to be friends with this guy and say "NEXT." You deserve someone that wants you and can't live without you. Continue the search, but stop questionng every time it doesn't work out. Mutual love and respect is worth waiting on. ; )
 mkc19
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 49
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/17/2013 9:12:48 AM
I really do thank you for the well thought-out response... it was very kind of you.

I do know that God is on my side, and that there are many things going around in my life that are better because of Him.
In this situation, as with what my closest friends and therapists are telling me... it really seems that he does truly care about me... as either a friend or still interest. He was beyond depressed when I cut all ties with him after he did the breaking up. I feel it is a testament to my strength, not to my weakness, that I plan on contacting him and opening up either the hope for friends or more. A good friend of mine just told me that she and her boyfriend did the same exact thing when they first started dating. Same situation, etc. They have been together for four years since. I think I figured out, and my friends agree, why the split happened. He gave me a few warnings and signs to it over the past few weeks, which were the only times I saw red flags on his part. He mentioned each time that I asked if he needed help or to talk about his troubles and current dilemmas, that he didn't need help and that he was never one to ask for help... that it makes him feel less of himself as a person, and it is something he needs as far as space.

Well... last Saturday we had one of our most amazing dates ever. Sunday came around, and while we were driving, I started saying that I am there if he needs help, etc... which resulted in the second time he said he didn't need help.
He was distant the rest of the day.
Tuesday we met up after a few days apart, and he was very much happy to see me... we had an amazing time mutually... until that is, when I offered my support and help in anything he was dealing with while we drove to eat. From that time on, he was distant.
I gave him space the rest of the week... Saturday we had great communication. Sunday, I went over to his house and it was very cordial... BUT, when I said I would be there to help him with anything... that was the trigger that caused him to break up with me. He said I was great and perfect and nothing about me was wrong...
We all feel strongly that he has some issues of self esteem he needs to work on... he might feel I am out of his league and at a different place with our careers, etc... and that I was always the one asking if he needed help. Maybe he felt he had not as much to offer.

I know that in opening communication with him, I will be able to feel it out.. I won't ask if he needs help. I won't be there for him unless he needs me to be in those cases. But, I will be a great friend and hope that he realizes what went wrong. The worst case scenario is that I will have a friend.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 50
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/17/2013 9:53:13 PM

I should wait a week, contact him with a short text. If he replies, good... And we can test the waters from there as friends or more. If he ignores me, I have my closure in that he just didn't like me. If we stay friends, it is closure in that I know he really just wanted to date other people.


I agree this is good advice if you want to preserve the friendship. Also... you should be confident that he likes you. You sound like a fantastic guy.

I have an ex-boyfriend who pulls back everytime things are going very well between us. I've learned to give him space... not get too emotionally involved...and to focus more on the friendship than trying to push for a relationship. I also date other people. In many respects... the time we spend together isn't much different then how things were when we were in an official relationship except we don't see each other as much and there is less focus on sex.

My guess is this guy knows he's not ready for a serious relationship... he sees that you are... but he doesn't want to feel bad for leading you on. That's why he's backing off.
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