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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why won't he let me go?      Home login  
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 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 22
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Why won't he let me go?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
OP you are confusing someone who is controlling and manipulating as someone who loves you. The world is full of people who profess their undying love just to manipulate, and just for the thrill of the manipulation. He'll be depressed? Seriously, you are blind to how you are being manipulated.
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 23
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 1:26:45 AM
Thank God you live in New York and only have 1,000,000 other men in a 30 minute radius of you. In that, maybe 10,000 compatible with you. Best odds in North America.

Move on.

This one can't have what he wants and won't ask for it.

Move on.
 Vesta_ceres
Joined: 4/5/2013
Msg: 24
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 4:56:17 AM
I don't know why this familial arrangement or cultural expectation was not discussed before an intimate relationship had begun. Some parents in this culture emotionally blackmail their children in this situation, to convince them that the woman they're seeing is a viper, and they do it quickly as to avoid a scandal in their community. It's senseless and unfair, I know, but this is the standard which you must accept to move forward with your life and find a more deserving human being who'll value you for you.

Your ex-beau's tears are as genuine as three-dollar bills. He wanted the convenience of a sexual experience he otherwise wouldn't have been permitted to explore (at least on the surface). He wanted what was forbidden, he wanted excitement, to give it a try, before he became marriageable and his folks found a suitable partner. He knew this before having a relationship with you. What, did he say that he would try to convince his parents about you? Bullshit.

You need to cease communications with this man, at once. Sever all ties with him. He is going for marriage now and he'll show off in the pomp and circumstance of what a revered and respectable (experienced) boy he is, in his marriage procession; he will have his token virgin bride as his pride (his poor wife); and he will have his own family with her. How will this make you feel to see this happen? How would make it feel to be with him and know he his duplicitous behavior as he alternates between having the obligatory sex with her and telling you (in feigned protest) how unfair the whole thing is, knowing full well you're in last place in his life, while he enjoys the emotional side of using you? You don't want to be the other woman. Don't accept anything from him. He has one hand on yours and the other with the proverbial knife in it behind his back.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 25
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 10:08:58 AM

I would need to know more. What does it mean for said culture not to defy your parents? Is there money involved that might be cut off if he seeks happiness over tradition? Will it kill his mother if he didn't obey her? Hmmmm.....Will it mean he may never see his family again? Will he get stoned? Killed in his sleep by his uncles for dishonoring the family? Does one want to see a family that cares so little about his happiness? Hell, even the east indians have some leeway to arranged marriages! I believe they will set you up but there is a clause that allows one to decline...so the family has to keep looking until they find one that will make their off spring happy? Has he even tried to let his family know that he has already found the girl of his dreams? Has he even tried anything at all?


He says his parents will disown him, that he used to be more optimistic but now it seems that they're very serious about wanting an arranged marriage. He told me he lies awake crying every night over this ... says that he can't live without me and is depressed by the mere thought of me being upset... any time I'm upset, as I said, he flips out & wants to see me asap ... can't go away for a few days without making sure things are "ok between us"... it's intense
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 26
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 10:29:06 AM
Disown, blah, blah!

He's making a choice. Every choice has consequences.

One man chose a woman and gave up the throne of England.

This sniveling little manipulator wants his cake (his parents' approval) and eat it (you/ your emotional support). Kick his whiny ass to the curb and move on, maybe that'll help him grow up some.
 ManOfAdventure28
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 27
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 10:30:11 AM

One man chose a woman and gave up the throne of England.


You watched a King's Speech didn't you?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 28
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 11:03:24 AM
???

Are you saying this is not a historic fact?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 29
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 11:15:42 AM
I'm not seeing willful manipulative behavior from this guy. Just a repeating proof that he has not yet grown up to be a true adult individual. He is in the panic he is in, because is is such a true little child, that he wants what he wants, everything he wants, and has no sense whatsoever that one choice could make another one permanently unavailable. He wants to continue to have his parents take care of him forever, AND still have the girlfriend that he selected. They say no, so he wants you to make it possible to have what they want, and what he wants.

He is the epitome of the old saying about wanting to have his cake , and eat it too (as in eat it entirely, and still find a complete cake sitting in front of him).

You will have to let HIM go. In fact, you will have to firmly and thoroughly eject him from your life, as he is not capable at this time, of being anything other than an emotional four year old.

Stop trying to come up with any other answer to why he's behaving as he is (it is NOT because he loves and wants you enough that he will soon dump his parents and marry you), and put your energy into moving on with your own life.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 30
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 11:23:12 AM
[quote ] Stop trying to come up with any other answer to why he's behaving as he is (it is NOT because he loves and wants you enough that he will soon dump his parents and marry you)

Why couldn't this possibly be the case when you said yourself that he has "not yet grown up" ? People can change -- to me this is like a guy who was always single/a player eventually changing his ways and realizing he wants to settle down with someone. I just feel like the more time that goes by, the more strongly he seems to feel and the more he freaks out about any sign of me being unhappy.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 31
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 11:27:03 AM
BECAUSE while he's crying into his hot cocoa, he's ALSO telling you that his parents would disown him and blah, blah, blah.

If he were going to defy his parents, he'd stop sniveling, grab you, and ride out of Dodge.

You're deluding yourself!
 sevencastanza
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 32
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 11:42:34 AM
It's pretty simple actually... at least it's kind of simple explaining it anyway. I've been there. He loves you so much he doesn't know what to do with himself. He knows what he needs to do and that you guys can't be together... all these things come to mind, but still... he's fighting with himself. He's miserable with you because he can't be with you... he knows he'd be even more miserable without you around and in each others lives... It's a really tough spot to be in.

Just an idea :/
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 33
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 11:53:14 AM
OP: Ask the guy if his religion allows polygamy. If it does, he can marry the virgin bride in his arranged marriage and marry you too.
 Jackals38
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 34
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 12:22:22 PM

Why couldn't this possibly be the case when you said yourself that he has "not yet grown up" ? People can change -- to me this is like a guy who was always single/a player eventually changing his ways and realizing he wants to settle down with someone. I just feel like the more time that goes by, the more strongly he seems to feel and the more he freaks out about any sign of me being unhappy


This is why women like you are so easily manipulated. You will believe, unconditionally, any drivel a guy says because you want so badly for it be true. Even though the ACTIONS of said guy are completely to the contrary. As has already been mentioned, he is playing you perfectly and you are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. You can be sure he is telling his parents everything they want to hear as well.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 35
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 3:50:47 PM
OP, you don't need his permission to move on. He is not letting you go because he is too wounded to act in your best interest. He is a victim of his culture and tradition. If he isn't strong enough to stand up for himself to take his life in his own hands, he certainly can't know how to do that for you. He is not a bad person but you can't count on him to do what's best for you after seeing he is not capable of doing what's best for him.

When you take charge of your life, you create opportunities for him to do the same.
 riuser
Joined: 8/31/2010
Msg: 36
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 4:11:42 PM
You have to make the choice. He is not going to.
Your choices:
1. Stay with him until you either get dumped when he gets married or you remain as his mistress. Neither is an acceptable ending imho.

2. You tell him that being with him now, knowing that he is going to marry someone else, is more hurtful than ending it completely now. That you have to break all communications and meetings with him. Otherwise you will hurt even more. See if he completely leaves you alone. If he does not, then he is concerned more with his feelings than yours. That should also give you an answer.

He cares for you and is hurting. So what. He is being completely unfair to you. I can understand that you are having difficulty letting him go. But either you hurt a lot now. Or even more later.

You need to move on. The only way this is going to happen is by severing all ties. Then it will take quite a bit of time. But it will happen. The only way that you are eventually going to be happy is to move on. Take what you will from this relationship. Remember the good times. But, now, move on. This has played itself out with an unfortunate outcome. I do not care how much he is hurting. If he really, truly cared about you (enough), he would stand up to his parents. OR (if his sense of duty was overriding), he would let you go and not continue to cause you pain. Either way, he does not care about you enough.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 37
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 4:20:10 PM
"When you take charge of your life, you create opportunities for him to do the same". Great sentence! This sentence could be posted on over 90% of the threads in these forums. So many people that post a thread on here and if they really had charge of their life, they could figure out all this stuff.
 Madailein
Joined: 6/9/2012
Msg: 38
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 9:10:25 PM

Why would a man possibly do this?

What you need to ask yourself is why you settle for so little.
That is what really matters.


Why won't he let me go

From what you wrote here it is obvious to me that he did let you go.
He offered you crumbs and you are gobbling them up.

His motives are clear; it is your motivation that is questionable.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 39
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/23/2013 8:45:34 PM
It's confusing when he still takes me out to dinner, holds my hand, and kisses me good night. Doesn't try to sleep with me after... just romantically says good bye. He was talking about how he has great friends last week... "My friends are just really great. And then there's you & I. We have a special relationship." Um, what is that, exactly?
 riuser
Joined: 8/31/2010
Msg: 40
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/23/2013 9:00:33 PM
Ok, let me make this clear (all though everyone else also seems to have made this clear to you). All you have to do is listen.

He did not choose you.
He chose to honor and respect his parents' wishes. That means he did not choose you. He chose them.
He is finding it difficult to fully give you up (although eventually he will).
He is being selfish because he chose his parents' wishes over you but will not let you go.
You are letting him do this.
You are also doing this to yourself because you find it difficult.

Breakups are difficult.

Do yourself a favor and move on (initially it may not feel like a favor to yourself).

Get rid of him as he did not choose you.

This may sound overly harsh. But it has been said over and over to you.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 41
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/23/2013 9:03:25 PM
Get rid of him as he did not choose you.

The only reason I'm confused is that he did not actually make another choice at this point. He has never actually started dating, got engaged to, or married anyone else to this day. He "broke up" with me, but things have been exactly like they always were -- minus him trying to have sex with me. We go on romantic dates. He also constantly talks to me as my best friend. He won't even let 1 day go by with me upset at him - he'll say "I have to see you before I leave for the weekend" and make things right. I can't convince myself that when push came to shove and he'd actually be losing me forever, he would allow that to happen.
 TRESemme1
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 42
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/23/2013 9:12:40 PM
You are NOT listening to what everyone is saying on here. It's because you are blinded by your love for him. You will ONLY understand their pieces of advice when the most dreaded thing will happen. And that is when he will ditch you for his wife. Don't say that we didn't tell you so.
 riuser
Joined: 8/31/2010
Msg: 43
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Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/23/2013 9:16:42 PM
He made the choice. Although he has not followed through with the second part, he made the choice and it was not you.
Currently the choice he made is: Not you.
Later the choice will be: What his parents want.

I know that this is difficult for you to accept. But it is made. Unless he tells his parents that he chooses you (and not just say that he will tell his parents - but actually does), he has made his choice - Not you.

Sorry, but you are obviously trying to hold on to any little shred that you are getting. I know that this is hard. But it is time for you to make your choice - move on so you can heal.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 44
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/23/2013 9:26:44 PM

Why couldn't this possibly be the case when you said yourself that he has "not yet grown up" ? People can change

Are you still as attracted to 14 year old boys as you were when you were 14?
He is dating you now based on who he is now.
If (huge if seeing as he's probably well over 18)/when he grows up then if you don't make as profound a "change" in your life to complement his growing up then you are going to be faced with a completely different person, and he's going to see you in a completely new light.

That's why this couldn't possibly be the case.
And the only real way for him to "grow up" is for him to either tell his parents "no!" and run off with you (with the real danger of him only sticking around because he wants to live up to what he did, his identity, rather than because he actually wants to be around you), or let you go to find a relationship that is actually healthy and fulfilling for you.

Of course maybe you are fulfilled in this relationship and love the drama. Some people do. For some people this is the type of relationship they want. Which makes this entire thread simply you seeking out an audience to essentially brag and emotionally masturbate with.


I just feel like the more time that goes by, the more strongly he seems to feel and the more he freaks out about any sign of me being unhappy.

Is it you being unhappy? Or you being unhappy with him?
Because there is a difference.
The latter is just manipulation to keep you from judging him, not concern over your emotional well being.
And based on this thread, he really doesn't care that much about it if he continues playing these games.

Games like

he still takes me out to dinner, holds my hand, and kisses me good night

He's not doing this to you, he's doing it with you, you are enabling it.


"My friends are just really great. And then there's you & I. We have a special relationship." Um, what is that, exactly?

Melodrama to make his life seem more important than it is?
Producing his own Lifetime original movie with him as the protagonist?
 varyk
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 45
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/24/2013 12:08:20 AM
OP, I have read the variety of extremely valid reasons for you to move on, yet somehow you still keep asking "WHY". TBH, I don't think your propose of posting here in this particular thread is to seek answers rather you seek affirmation from others that what you are feeling and want is justifiable. But I hate to be the one to break it to you sweetheart you are playing into the drama and fueling the confusion and the drawing out of a never ending saga of why me. Should absorb objective suggestions that have been posted in reply to your thread. You are not going to find anyone in their state of mind to support or affirm what you want. You are alone in this and losing points as this drags further...

Let's just state facts here:
1. He loves you (debatable), but not enough or as much as family, his current lifestyle & status. If he really loved you, he wouldn't want to hurt you which btw is what he is doing

2. He needs you , but least you forget that he DIDN'T choose you, because doing so would mean he would need to grow up & support his self. This type of relationship is dysfunctional, because love doesn't mean intentionally inflicting pain on one an other. Not in this sense anyway.

3. He is immature & selfish. A grown man would be able to make is own decisions, based on solid grounds and would at least consider how his is treating you.

4. He is overly dramatic, yes, he is, but NEWSFLASH so are you, sweetie! This isn't a harlequin romance & you are not the damsel in distress. The reality is, most of what is going on, you are partly to blame, because you recognize that there is a problem, but you play into it anyway. You don't want to let go. Heck you may love the drama and rush of the push and pull.

OP, you are not a victim as much as you think you are, seems to me by your replies & comments, you are just another pawn in this increasingly torrid affair of the mind not the heart. If you really love him as you claim you do, stop this madness and take the control back of your life and ffs get your head out of your ass and back to reality! Good Luck!
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 46
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/24/2013 11:01:11 AM

The only reason I'm confused is that he did not actually make another choice at this point. He has never actually started dating, got engaged to, or married anyone else to this day. He "broke up" with me, but things have been exactly like they always were -- minus him trying to have sex with me. We go on romantic dates. He also constantly talks to me as my best friend. He won't even let 1 day go by with me upset at him - he'll say "I have to see you before I leave for the weekend" and make things right. I can't convince myself that when push came to shove and he'd actually be losing me forever, he would allow that to happen.


It sounds like you’ve lost yourself in him. You’ve gone passive. TWO people decide in a relationship. Do you want to continue in a relationship with someone who will hide you from his family and never marry you?
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