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 AUTHOR
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 28
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Boyfriend moved in...Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Any grown man with any amount of integrity and maturity would NOT be happy with his "partner" supporting him. Bet he knew this when he made the move. You asked if you were naive, yes, you are. I give up; good luck.
 searcher3013
Joined: 12/27/2012
Msg: 30
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:17:34 PM

So yeah, I will be making much more than him. That's why I originally thought covering all the utilities and most of food might be a better compromise. To me when you put it like that, rather than comparing dollar amounts, it seems like he's pulling his weight.


Well, yes, but....and I am not trying to pry into your personal business, but I would guess an RN with a degree might make about $70000/year. If he makes a sixth of what you make (which you seem to be sort of agreeing with, since you are okay with him paying only 12% of the household expenses) that means he makes about $11000 (before tax) How old is this person? And more importantly, how could he possibly support himself on that salary? The answer is: he can't. You are basically supporting him. If that's fine with you, go for it. Just do the math and be aware.


And I did tell him since he doesn't have a regular paycheck, I won't be "rent is due by the 1st!!"


Why not? If he lived in the real world, he would have to pony up and on time, too.


as long as he's constantly giving me what he can.


More like constantly not giving you what he can't.


Hopefully he'll have a couple hundred dollars today. Anyone else have thoughts on that?


I think you are releasing him from pretty much all financial responsibility. My grandmother used to say, "If you take out the trash the first week you are married, you'll be taking out the trash for the next thirty years."
 Tsar850
Joined: 3/23/2013
Msg: 31
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:24:15 PM

Also, I wonder how much the gender double standard plays into this. Because I was looking at other people who were asking the same question. One woman moved in with her guy and he was paying TRIPLE of what she was paying plus both of their cell phones because of pay differences. Not one person called her a bad names (except for the fact she was whining about being asked to pitch in $50 for high utilities one month and even then some people took her side).


That double standard has always been and will remain. This is why I will never move a lady into my home. She can keep hers and I will keep mine.

Same with combining money very bad idea. One or the other will start sliding on the amount of bills they agreed on in the beginning.

Good luck.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 32
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Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:32:18 PM
Congratulations, OP, you're a sugar mama!
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 33
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:50:58 PM

how should I approach it?

First you should figure out how you really see it and then be consistent with that view.
You want him to be your boyfriend or your roommate?
You can't have both. You can't jerk the relationship around with "today it's about our emotions, okay, time to put that aside since I got a bill."

If you want him to be your roommate then you need to force it into a roommate situation.
Get him on the lease. Be clear and concise with your expectations regarding the bills. Put it in writing.
If he doesn't pay, kick him out. Just like you would do with any renter.

If you want him to be your boyfriend then you give up certain protections and abilities that you would have with a roommate.
Then you need to take his emotions into account.
By that I don't mean make sure you don't hurt him so much as realize people are emotional creatures.
If you "hurt" them emotionally you are giving them a reason to lie to you and manipulate you.
People will associate their relationship emotions with anything in the relationship, including finances.
Like

if he showed up today with a good chunk his remaining balance, I would be happy with that.

He pays you money, your response is happiness.
What do you think of people that go out and pay women to make them happy?

Also, if he fails to do so then he hurts you personally.
Which makes you feel worse? You forgetting to pay your Visa bill on time? Or your mom giving you her heart medication as a loan and you not paying it back when she needs new pills?
Which bothers you more emotionally? The Visa collectors calling? Or your mom calling crying?

The more you hammer him with "I need money. I need you to pay this bill," putting responsibilities onto him he can't fulfill is going to hurt him worse emotionally creating an ever increasing downward spiral in his behavior.
It puts you in a position of power over him. Financially and emotionally.
IOW you start to become his mom. That dynamic leads him to devolve from being a 30 year old guy (or whatever his age) down to a 4 year old boy that acts out (assuming your relationship lasts that long).


.If he doesn't have the money today as he promises, how should I approach it?

Accept it as you are basically his wife and maintaining a home together (not just a house, a home, yours and his, unless you want him to be a roommate).
Otherwise realize it will just get worse and kill the relationship.
Or change the relationship to him being a roommate with contracts and legal responsibilities.
Or get rid of him.

One thing you could "try" is complete financial disclosure, although it would be an ultimatum.
You show him all of your income, all of your bills, and all of your accounts.
Then require him to show his, where he gets all his money from, what he has.
And then you work together to determine a realistic budget.

If either of you aren't willing to provide full financial disclosure then you should not be living together as more than roommates, or boyfriend/girlfriend as you don't really trust each other.

So

Should I try to get him to change how he's doing business?

You should try to remain consistent on how you see the relationship and what you expect from him.
The way you are doing it now is going to do nothing but cause stress and anxiety in him.
People hate stress and anxiety and will work against you when you do that to them.
You may "change how he's doing business" but he will come to resent you for it, and eventually run away from you (or stick around and start treating you like crap)...just like a teen and his mom.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 35
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Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 5:08:59 PM
You thought it was ok because your friends said it was ok? Oh my-I got nothin...
 searcher3013
Joined: 12/27/2012
Msg: 36
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 5:20:46 PM

I never said I made six times of what he does. I just said will be making much more. Utilities and food add up to almost as much as the rent. I don't see how that's not fair for someone that makes much less than me.


I know you didn't say you would make six times what he makes...I was merely pointing out that, by your account, he has paid 25% of 50%. That's 12%, which would be fair if you made six times what he makes, but NOT fair if he makes even half of what you make.

The thing that really puzzles me is why you invited him to move in in the first place. You have stated that your expenses were the same before he moved in, and that you do not need the money. If this move was arranged for financial reasons, then he is a major beneficiary. He had a room mate before he met you, so one would presume he paid half the rent.Now he pays way less than half the expenses and his roommate has sex with him too! He also doesn't take girlfriend/roommate out for dinner anymore as they just stay in and cook. Savings all round!

I think there is ONE reason and one reason only for couples to move in together, and that would be because they love each other and are in a sincere and committed relationship. It seems like a huge deal to move in with someone after only two months of long-distance dating...why not just date him for a year or so to see where this is going ? Why move him full time into your life, your home, and your bed? I just don't get the need for speed when it comes to this sort of thing.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 37
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 5:25:27 PM

Congratulations, OP, you're a sugar mama!


LilliMarleen (see message 33)

and I'll add a stupid one at that! - moving in with someone after 2 months of knowing them???

OP.....you sound a bit desperate to me.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 38
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 5:47:16 PM
OP, him paying 50% of the food is common sense unless you eat it all and he eats out. As far as rent, he has to live somewhere, so he has an amount he needs to pay. That amount has really nothing to do with what you pay or if it is pure profit. From the sounds of this thread, you continually are making "excuses" for the guy, how he works, how he does this and that but you don't really address firmly with him what he needs to do. So basically what you are saying is he will give you whatever he "wants" to give you because from the sounds of it, you will never be able to know for sure how much money he has every month. This is a disaster waiting to happen or it is in the early stages of happening. You may feel good about the money he gives you today but what about the next time and the time after that etc etc. Yikes!!!!!!
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 39
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Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 6:14:48 PM
I think it's perfectly reasonable when in a "committed relationship" to base who pays what on their income. This is not a committed relationship, you barely know him. He agreed to move in and share expenses equally, the first month he can't pay, I'd be worried.
I see nothing wrong with him getting a part time job to support himself to supplement his income. We'd all like to work from home, unfortunately most of us can't.
You sound like you really like this guy so look for ways to solve this problem.
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 40
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Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/21/2013 1:40:14 AM
If I were in your boyfriend's place, I would rather owe the bank than owe you. The fact that he has stuck it to you so quickly means he will never be good for the money. The early part of a relationship is to make the other think the best of you.

If he is leading with this then it isn't going to change. Kick him out if he doesn't pay up. Tell him to go to this bank this week and open a line of credit and give you your half. And tell him that as of now, he is a fake loser until the moment he pays up.

No guy on the up and up does this.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 41
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Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/21/2013 3:10:21 AM
The two of you need to sit down and have an adult conversation about both of your finances, maybe he didn't realize at the time he made the agreement with you he wouldn't be making as much money, it sounds like his business if not going to have a stable income the two of you can count on, he wouldn't be the first in this economy to experience this. You are the only one who can tell whether he is mooching or not, this is a difficult situation because you haven't know each other very long before moving in together. If you think he is sincere then make up a realistic financial plan that both of you feel is fair, set a timeline for yourself to see results, if you get excuses or he isn't holding up his part then you know it's time for him to find another place to live.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 42
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/21/2013 5:46:04 AM
Asking on another forum is not going to get you the answer you want.

He is couch surfing. His time on computer is not making him money so he is playing.

You are letting him use you. Worse you are looking for excuse to make it easier for him to stay and continue using you.

This forum is pretty tough. They will rake you over the coals.
 ReadBeforeWriting
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 43
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/21/2013 1:34:09 PM
Good Lord, you are a sucker, OP.

You allowed a fellow you knew for just two months to move in (WTF).
He doesn't earn enough to support his own place, apparently, or even enough to split expenses for yours.
How can you respect such a man?
What would his living situation be if you hadn't taken him in? Homeless shelter?
No, he'd likely be living off someone else.

You are very foolish and naive if you think he moved in with you because he is madly in love.
 1966ok
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 44
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/21/2013 8:01:05 PM
Tell him to get a job and he can do his computer work on the side,sounds reasonable enough. I believe in giving someone a fair chance,money isn't the end all but being able to take care of oneself is. Next time don't let strange men move in with you unless you see his Platinum card,Bank Account statement or better yet paycheck stub.

I'm sure he moved in with you because he needed a place to stay. I can already predict the outcome of this business agreement/relationship...Good luck.
 shine1274
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 45
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/22/2013 12:42:01 PM
50/50 of the household expenses is fair. As a man, I actually like the times when I pitch in a little extra. Or pick up an extra load of groceries. It makes me feel adequate I guess. What I don't care for is when it starts as 50/50, you start to pay more then it is assumed you are paying the extra all the time.

I don't see myself ever combining my personal cash with someone elses. We would really have to be in full agreement on how it is used and married for that to ever happen.
 Smiley587
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 46
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 12/19/2013 7:07:37 PM
I think the guy is a mooch...either get him to sign an agreement or he has to leave. It is already starting to cause bad feeling as here you are, venting.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 47
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 12/19/2013 8:10:09 PM
I ended my last relationship because of financial incompatibility.

An easy response is to verify his income and make his contribution proportional to your joint income/expenses.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he's working under the table.

I would try to get him to commit to some actual dollar amounts, utility bills, or groceries.

I would clarify the amounts asap before this gets out of hand.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 48
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 12/19/2013 11:13:52 PM
If Y'all want to continue the conversation, it's OK, but the OP hasn't made a post in the Forums here in 8 months. I don't think she's coming back, as this is the only thread she posted in at all....
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 49
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Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 12/20/2013 6:42:25 AM
An agreement was made for a certain amount of rent before he moved ine, that promise should be kept. You need to have a sit down and either come to a more reasonable number OR stick to your guns.
Being in a relationship does not mena you take advantage of a partners good will.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 50
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 12/20/2013 3:02:38 PM
This is just one more example of why you should wait 2 years to get to know them better before moving in or getting married.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 51
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 12/20/2013 3:25:42 PM
francine1988- I swear, if ONE more person comes on here and admits that they moved someone in or moved in with someone else after such a short time together and THEN seems shocked that things went amiss...........ARG! Really?!
Look, I believe in love and taking chances, but hope should NEVER trump common sense!
Think, people, THINK! (rant over).
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 52
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 12/20/2013 4:06:56 PM

usmale6:
This is just one more example of why you should wait 2 years to get to know them better before moving in or getting married.


Maybe, maybe not..... My late Wife and I married 10 months after we met and were together over 28 years when she died. If you love each other and both are willing to do what it takes to make it work, then you can make it work.
 April1963
Joined: 6/7/2013
Msg: 53
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 12/20/2013 4:12:28 PM

He lived in my area but went back to Michigan after we first met because (as he claimed) to help his mom because his younger sister is pregnant and she was too busy during tax season to drive her to appointments and whatever.. Before that he was living with a friend. He claimed to be looking for a place on the other side of town.


RED FLAG, attention OP red flag, attention, attention,RED FLAG.

I was ready to tell you some truths in a not-so-good way, but I see that you only have 25 years.You have a lot to learn from life, only I have to say be careful next time.As the others said,use your common sense.!!!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 54
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 12/23/2013 1:23:45 PM

He has agreed to do 50/50 (and seemed extremely confident it wouldn't be a problem) but his income isn't really supporting that

So he was more of a couch surfer :)

He does websites, managers people's social media accounts, and other tech, his own business.

Having "your own business" means Nothing as far as success is concerned. Anyone with a few bucks in their pocket can technically start "a business" officially, while many don't do that but in practice do have one. Most people who "have their own business" is not doing well financially. Don't take it as a symbol of them being successful and/or making decent money. :)

When you're going to be moving in together, beforehand, you should ask how much money they make, ballpark range on average. When they're potentially a couch surfer and doing something many college kids can do in their spare time as their job (for better or worse), you want to let them know that as a guy you understand inflating things to be more manly etc -- but moving in together, you don't want to be misled and that would break things real quick. I think you not asking and getting a real gauge was out of fear of knowing something disappointing and thus, ruining the move-in situation that you two were excited about.

I love having him here and don't want to kick him out so I feel that would be an empty threat (unless we went two months and I wasn't seeing any money come in). Should I try to get him to change how he's doing business?

In perspective of April when this was posted, no, he's not going to "change" his work to automatically make a lot of money. That would take time. Most people when doing their own business don't make much for a while. Their aspirations keep them going for too long, and most fail or shrink to a side-thing while finally getting a real job.

In a sense, you'd have to sort this out with Him, not others. You were living with him! You don't move in with someone who's been living with others if you're too scared/non-confrontational to know how much they make and to sort things out about their game-plan of work. You relying on others and not having worked on this with Him well beforehand for a good amount of time is a red flag right there.

Work it out with him and basically say that he needs to have a real job, which may be his own little company or being employed. But he can't just "pursue his dreams" living off of others, sorry. He should live with his parents if he's going to not make much money and be doing that -- which yes, will take him off the dating market to a large degree. But that's the sacrifices ya make...
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