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 marilynh77
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 26
Once a cheater...Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
PS
My friend's ex cheated on her. He was married previously and cheated on his first wife. When he got remarried to the girl he cheated with on my friend, he got upset at the girl one time and asked my friend to take him back. This was while he was married! Yep! And now recently, the new wifey is getting a divorce from him and he has been calling my friend nonstop! lol No she's not a fool and she will not take him back. Once a cheater, always a cheater!!! lol Hey! Each to his/her choice but too many out there to settled for a cheater.
 shine1274
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 27
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/21/2013 4:45:25 PM
My father changed. He had a terrible record. Went through two divorces over it and lost many good girlfriends later. He matured and he has been faithful to his third wife. They have been together 20 years. My best friend appears to have gone through this change as well. At only 3 years in I hesitate to say how permanent it is. But I see a similar attitude as my father at the same point in time.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 28
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/21/2013 4:47:23 PM
I think wolftxusa66 in msg#25 pretty much wrapped it up and saved me some keyboard pecking.
 TALLTEXAN2012
Joined: 4/13/2012
Msg: 29
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/21/2013 6:13:05 PM
The best "predictor" of future behavior is PAST behavior (as Dr. Phil says) and I agree 100%

The cheater has to lie to cover up...I was clueless but once it was out in the open...OMG...the lies I was told...once the trust is gone...the marriage is OVER.
 searcher3013
Joined: 12/27/2012
Msg: 30
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/21/2013 6:16:42 PM

Maybe not everybody is a repeat offender, but the threshold to cheat again is certainly much lower. The 'virginity' of trust is taken the first time, and all people I know who cheated did it more than once - not necessarily with the same person, i.e., in the same relationship.


I agree. Furthermore, I don't really buy the whole "find out why he cheated" theory either. There are cheaters, and non-cheaters. People who have cheated have demonstrated that is is an option for them. In other words, they feel that in some situations, it is acceptable behaviour.
 kgibbs1234
Joined: 6/18/2012
Msg: 31
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/21/2013 6:30:30 PM
Wait a minute cw35, I am not being hypocritical at all.

I was completely honest with him about the fact that I was still seeing other people. That's allowed until we become exclusive. It's called dating, and there's nothing wrong with it. Cool your jets.

As for the 'rushing' comments, I'm not the type to go on pure emotions. I'm too analytical and too much of a realist. I thought I made that clear in my initial post. A month of conversing is enough time to get to know someone enough to begin speaking about being exclusive. It's not like I met the man yesterday, lol.

I appreciate (most of) the opinions. There's a lot of valid points that I hadn't initially considered.
 UFCRocks_1969
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 32
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/22/2013 5:34:01 AM
So then a victim is always a victim? Goodness. People deserve to given a chance. If you see men as potential cheaters then you will find those cheaters that will cheat on you. In life there is risk and that includes relationships.
 justlookinflorida
Joined: 4/2/2013
Msg: 33
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/22/2013 7:44:23 AM
I would be very cautious as you are. I don't necessarily think once a cheater always a cheater. There are those who cheat because they can and there are those who cheat out of necessity. I know that's an odd position to take and you don't hear it often from women but I believe that. Some stay in marriages for children sake, some stay for financial reasons, some stay for medical reasons, some stay simply because they are afraid, some cheat because of not being mentally grown enough and ready to settle down with one. The end result in all these cases could be or leads to relationships outside of their primary relationship.

I am one who has never believed you must tell the person you are involved with EVERYTHING. Certain things are going to cause problems once you reveal them. Cheating is one of them. Now some things if it can cause physical harm or major issues of course should be revealed but ya know I don't tell everything.

I guess you just have to determine for yourself if you are going to take a leap of faith. No guarantees in relationships.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 34
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/22/2013 11:49:00 AM
"A month of conversing is enough time to get to know someone enough to begin speaking about being exclusive. It's not like I met the man yesterday, lol. "^^^

Good luck with that.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 35
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/22/2013 2:34:29 PM

I think, based on what he's told me, that he and I 'argue' very differently. I tend to be more calm, while he tends to be more emotional. We haven't argued yet, but I believe you can tell a lot about a person by the way that they handle difficult situations.


I agree. You can. I’d be most concerned about that part and look closer at what he has said and done that’s led you to believe he is not calm in arguments. That just doesn't sit well with me. As to cheating, its lying and internal excuse-making. Those two points together look quite a bit like a drama king. Bottom line is that you're wary and the cheating piece is giving you pause. That pause is your intuition or gut- the most accurate detector in dating.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 36
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/22/2013 5:18:05 PM
Apply the same critical judgement to all of the other moral codes and there isn't a person posting in these forums that can judge an other.


Everyone has lied at least once in their lives, so everyone is a liar.
Everyone has abused someone or something in their lives, so everyone is abusive.
Everyone has spoken foul language even if just to repeat something, so everyone is foul mouthed.
Everyone has whored themselves out at some point in their lives, so everyone is also a whore.

So do you really think it makes much of a difference to me that lying, abusive, foul mouthed whores would like to claim I will always be a cheater ?
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 37
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:03:05 PM
Sounds like you handled things in the marriage very well. And yes, finding out a partner is cheating will often be the end of the relationship--and that is not the end of the world, as you clearly know. Your initial post did not contain the information that your ex cheated on you twice. I would think that would make you particularly leery of someone with a history of cheating.

It would concern me, too, that he seems to be in a rush. That, combined with the cheating, suggests to me that he is impulsive, and if he hasn't learned to handle his own impulsiveness, well . . .

You will handle it well, I have no doubt. Good luck, whatever you decide.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 38
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:13:53 PM

(Msg. #1. Kgibbs1234) Can anyone tell me their experiences? Yes, I'm an adult. And I will inevitably make up my own mind. I'm not looking for people to tell me what to do, necessarily. I'm just looking to hear from people who may have been on either side of the situation who would be willing to share their stories/opinions.


I’ve been on both sides of the situation. My first wife cheated and then had the chutzpa to say I should move out and work on the marriage. Try to win her back. It’s comical when I think about it now. Anyway, two days later my father passed away and, well, I moved 3000 miles and never returned.

Fast forward 25+ years, a second marriage and here I am having an affair. Ten years of a super marriage and then the sex dried up. My wife says she’s happy but the sexual feelings have gone. She just doesn’t feel them. Just tonight while having dinner she said she has never been happier and more relaxed in her life. A job she enjoys. No financial worries. No illness. Life has never been better. I mention this as so many people insist the lack of sex has to be due to marital problems. I think it’s due to a lack of hormones but because breast cancer runs in her family hormone treatment is not an option so, in her view, it’s pointless going for a medical.

After 17 years of marriage and 5+ years of discussions and trying to find a solution I decided it was time to seek intimacy outside the marriage. If interested the thread “Sex and Dating > New to rough sex.” explains my reasoning and the rationale behind my decision. As others have said it all depends on the individuals and the relationship.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 39
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:33:50 PM
Often people who rush into a relationship either have something to hide ( like their real self) or are mentally unhealthy in some manner. The fact he also cheated.. I would be extremely cautious with that one. Although I am a strong believer in people can change..But has he done the real work to change? Has he gotten counseling and worked on himself? Has he discovered the reason why he felt it was okay to cheat rather than end the relationship with his wife first? What makes him think anything about his core personality has change? Those are just a few of the questions I would ask.. I would also be very careful about anyone "rushing " into a relationship. From my own experience.. I can be very damaging in the end. JMHO
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 40
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/22/2013 8:32:40 PM

He tells me that I shouldn't judge him by his past, but I would be a fool not to use my past experiences as learning opportunities. He also tells me that he would never cheat on me, and I think he means it when he says it.

I guess it depends on his situation and knowing that it was wrong to do, even if there was an understandable motive where many would cheat with little guilt... and how long ago it was. If in high school he cheated on his high school girlfriend after she lost interest and had a crush on the football player and a breakup is right around the corner -- and that was his only cheat in life -- really?

The once a cheater always a cheater doesn't hold. He'd have to pretty much cheat on all the girls he was exclusive with for it to hold (due to the word 'always').

And some people can say "I never cheated" -- but what's their definition of cheating? Sex? MANY people cross the lines of exclusivity -- it doesn't take sex to cheat. In fact, there are scenarios where there is no sex but is more damageable to most VS particular ones where there was sex. Someone can say they "never cheated", but in the long term relationship when things were on the rocks they'd throw themselves at the guy's best friend and would leave the guy for his best friend (but didn't have intercourse until she said "We're breaking up"). Building a "life-boat" without sex, while the relationship's on the rocks, is cheating.

All in all though, you should be concerned about his desire for a Relationship. Even if they're not cheating-by-sex, you'll still probably be in the same emotional boat if they're the type who chases the opposite sex when a relationship gets boring or is on the rocks.
 ShelbySask4friend1
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 41
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/27/2013 1:01:12 AM
You are holding the relationship back...It is like predicting lotto numbers, who will cheat who will not cheat...

Why would he tell you he cheated in his past, being upfront and truthful about it, rather than making up an easy lie about it?...Maybe a cheater but not a fibber,lol...
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 42
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/27/2013 1:41:32 AM
Well I do believe people can change and there is no "one size fits all" kind of answer to this, I guess my question is how much do you like this man that you are willing to take the risk of him cheating again, doesn't mean he will but it is a real possibility. Personally I don't want to spend my time worrying if someone is cheating every time they walk out the door, if I knew they had a history it would always be in the back of the mind, that's just how I am not a reflection on the other person, so I would avoid getting into that type of situation.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 43
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/27/2013 6:20:52 AM
Most people that are cheaters miss the excitement in their lives when their relationships hit the “honeymooner is over” button.

They are on the fence looking across the street, and they see that the grass is greener on the other side, so they go over to it. Now for some cheaters they get over on the other side, and it hits them from the distance that looking back to the grass they came from is just as green or maybe even greener then the grass they went to. Lol Hope that made sense, lol…
That is the lesson, but unfortunately dumb arses never learn. They just want that perpetual excitement that we all get in a new relationship to last forever…

You understand this, and you know that to take that chance on someone again could cost you your soul, so you are afraid to trust again. I don’t blame you at all…

It just depends how much you need love and a man in your life. Can you live without a man? Can you be just as happy without one?

Probably not, very few people can remain single and actually be happy without a SO.

So, my advice for you is to take the chance, if you love the man, but I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket, and I wouldn't give my soul to another person who can hurt it. You can love and give all you got, but you can keep your own soul.

Go for it, life is short. Have fun, and stop worrying about ‘what if’s”.
Take Care,
Jan
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 44
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/27/2013 12:22:05 PM

HOWEVER...I think I know what I need to do. I think I really knew before I even posted.

Sometimes a little validation, and to be heard, is all one needs...

What stood out to me here was this:

He tells me that I shouldn't judge him by his past,...

That doesn't sound to me like someone who learned from the experience sufficiently to avoid repeating it. Those who cheat as a one-time thing (usually, though not always, when very young) find afterward that they never, ever want to feel that way about themselves again, or to cause that kind of pain to another again. So they work on why it happened and, if tempted in future, take different action instead, addressing the "why," because cheating again is not an option.

Instead of talking about having worked through any of that, he's putting the responsibility on you. Not, "I learned x from this and that's why I would never do it again," but "YOU shouldn't judge."

That's not good.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 45
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/27/2013 12:40:11 PM
Message 25 I stated that once a cheater always a cheater is so much BS because it's nothing but a cliche, worthless in the real world of deciding who & what a person is and if you want them in your life. Cliches may have some truth behind them but they do not make a good measure of a person beyond someone who just wants to shove something off and not deal with reality. It's about as helpful as the old cliche of if you want to know what she's going to look like, look at her mother. Well that really doesn't help is she doesn't look like her mother, takes her looks from her father's side or looks like great-grandma Ethel, etc. There are circumstances that need to be there for a cliche to have any weight in looking for something in a person, instead of using the cliche, use the real weight of whats true, that you can see in a person.

As you see, my comment was not about whether or not this guy might cheat or whatever statistics you can find (studies can be just as worthless as cliches) I was stating that cliches aren't something good to base whether or not you want to get to know someone better, cliches are for lazy people who like to bash whole groups.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 46
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/27/2013 2:11:05 PM
why do a thief steals? will he steal again? it all depends on what his morals and characters are. what consequences did he had to face when caught . did he learn from it never to repeat again or did he get smarter how not to get caught again ? cant predict humans and their future behaviour . just go with your gut feeling .
 CasOliii
Joined: 1/23/2013
Msg: 47
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/28/2013 7:12:38 PM
You wont ever know the kind of bf he will be unless you give him a chance. I've cheated once before, it was premeditated, would I ever do it again--hell no.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 48
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/28/2013 7:45:25 PM
That doesn't sound to me like someone who learned from the experience sufficiently to avoid repeating it. Those who cheat as a one-time thing (usually, though not always, when very young) find afterward that they never, ever want to feel that way about themselves again, or to cause that kind of pain to another again. So they work on why it happened and, if tempted in future, take different action instead, addressing the "why," because cheating again is not an option.

Instead of talking about having worked through any of that, he's putting the responsibility on you. Not, "I learned x from this and that's why I would never do it again," but "YOU shouldn't judge."

That's not good.


Exactly Helen.

Rather than taking accountability for his behavior, he's being defensive. Sounds like he might very likely repeat this behavior. You can read a lot into what a person says by how they say/phrase it. It's the subconscious mind at work.
 Smiley587
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 49
Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/19/2013 6:58:55 PM
Once a cheater always a cheater. There is a reason these men are so quick to get involved, be exclusive. What is the rush? I was cheated on and I know if something doesn't sound right, it's not.
 TRRoseII
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 50
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/21/2013 5:38:19 PM
If you treat him as a husband, and respect him as a husband your worries are over. However, times should never get so tough that you should have to worry. LOVE IS SOMETHING YOU GIVE! Give, and you WILL receive. If it is a POSSESSIVE LOVE that you feel, then, certainly IT WILL FAIL.
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