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 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 48
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Once a cheater...Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
That doesn't sound to me like someone who learned from the experience sufficiently to avoid repeating it. Those who cheat as a one-time thing (usually, though not always, when very young) find afterward that they never, ever want to feel that way about themselves again, or to cause that kind of pain to another again. So they work on why it happened and, if tempted in future, take different action instead, addressing the "why," because cheating again is not an option.

Instead of talking about having worked through any of that, he's putting the responsibility on you. Not, "I learned x from this and that's why I would never do it again," but "YOU shouldn't judge."

That's not good.


Exactly Helen.

Rather than taking accountability for his behavior, he's being defensive. Sounds like he might very likely repeat this behavior. You can read a lot into what a person says by how they say/phrase it. It's the subconscious mind at work.
 Smiley587
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 49
Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/19/2013 6:58:55 PM
Once a cheater always a cheater. There is a reason these men are so quick to get involved, be exclusive. What is the rush? I was cheated on and I know if something doesn't sound right, it's not.
 TRRoseII
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 50
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/21/2013 5:38:19 PM
If you treat him as a husband, and respect him as a husband your worries are over. However, times should never get so tough that you should have to worry. LOVE IS SOMETHING YOU GIVE! Give, and you WILL receive. If it is a POSSESSIVE LOVE that you feel, then, certainly IT WILL FAIL.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 51
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/21/2013 6:51:53 PM
If your moral compass points in that direction once what is to stop it from going there again.
 Bachelorette.Number1
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 52
Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/21/2013 11:41:53 PM
What you'll have to try to find out, if you don't know already, is why he cheated.

If the answers you hear have everything to do with how someone else was doing him wrong or that he was in a terrible marriage or that his wife was horrible to him or that he wasn't getting enough attention or ....etc. All these are excuses for why people feel they are justified into cheating - someone "drove" them to it. They position themselves as the victim which then in their mind, justifies they're crappy behavior.

Also, another clue to a puzzle like this is - if they can't come up with an answer (saying "I don't know") or refuse to talk about it. Both of those mean they haven't processed the thing at all and are possibly clueless as to their own inner workings.
Another clue is how soon after the break up of the previous relationship did they feel ready to start thinking about a new one? Was it a month? Or 2 years?

Anything along these lines means he has not accepted responsibility for what he did.
Whatever happened, does he understand what is was that he felt was missing in the other relationship and what does he plan to do to solve that problem again (and it will come again) the next time?
On a positive note: it's good that he told you about this. There's people out there who with hold this information about their past.

However, if you can't seem to get an answer that sits right with you, listen to what your gut is saying. When someone wants your trust, they move heaven and earth to get it and keep it.
 forums48380
Joined: 2/10/2013
Msg: 53
Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/22/2013 12:39:03 PM

If the answers you hear have everything to do with how someone else was doing him wrong or that he was in a terrible marriage or that his wife was horrible to him or that he wasn't getting enough attention or ....etc. All these are excuses for why people feel they are justified into cheating - someone "drove" them to it. They position themselves as the victim which then in their mind, justifies they're crappy behavior.


^^^^^^^ I disagree with this.
In marriage, we have a responsibility to (at least try to) meet the needs of our spouse. If our spouse abuses the relationship, unilaterally decides that the marriage will become sexless (without a good reason), or abandons the relationship without actually leaving, then that spouse has committed a serious infidelity. If the offended spouse decides to take their needs to someone else, then how can that person be considered a cheater? How can you be unfaithful to someone who has abandoned you?

Of course, there are people who will think that the offended spouse should get up and leave but there might be many good reasons why they can't do so at the moment. (Yeah, I can hear all the people talking about going to shelters, etc... I can also hear people talking about tit for tat.)

To label everyone as a "cheater" because they've had relations with someone of the other gender before the divorce papers are signed is to oversimplify a very complicated matter. Few things are black and white in life and marriage has an infinite range of grays.

Now, I would certainly agree that if someone is in a marriage that isn't abusive as described above and can't resist the temptation to have sex with someone other than their spouse, that's pretty bad and it shows a weak character that is woven pretty tightly into their moral cloth.

Just be very careful when painting someone with a black or white brush when it comes to matters of marriage. It's just too complicated.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 54
Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/22/2013 1:18:33 PM
If your moral compass points in that direction once what is to stop it from going there again.

Realization. A wake-up call to "holy sh!t, wtf did I just do?" :) I'll make a comparison about something else that's not about cheating per se, but a different position...

I've known guys, and in the past myself, who have gone out with girls who would flirt with other guys. We're not talking about expressively friendly that could be taken as flirtY, but expressively interested in the other, by their words, tone, stares, the whole 9 yards. The guy would be conditioned to think that it's strong not to care -- don't be jealous. She comes home to You. Let it ride. It's about trust. Etc.

Well, come to find out, given enough time, such types of girls end up making out with a guy, "disappearing" for a while with she and a gal pal and a couple guys (but was too drunk to 'remember' what happened)... and things fall apart with said girl in embarrassing fashion.

What's going to stop a guy from being with such types of girls again? Consequences of him being involved with said type of woman (you could go vice versa of gender on all this btw too). SOME guys will keep being drawn into said types of woman, but for many, all it takes is one embarrassing dating-relationship like that to suddenly have that 'tolerance' cut off and to never get involved with said type ever again.

What's going to stop a guy or girl from cheating on someone they were going out with? Consequences. Unfortunately, many times such consequences are non-existent (not caught), or minimal when caught.

But when someone has it happen to them -- that keeps them from doing it themselves. Or if they did that to a girlfriend or boyfriend they had real feelings for -- that keeps them from doing it again. A light bulb goes off "Why didn't I just break up, first, if I'm going to possibly chase others?" When they get caught red-handed, they realize it wouldn't be worth trying to get away with.

Now, that's not for everyone! Some will still keep doing it, given the right situations, etc! But if you ask "what would stop them"? Like anything else in life -- experiencing consequences -- regardless of what side of the table you were on when experiencing them.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 55
Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/22/2013 4:28:16 PM
OP:

He also tells me that he would never cheat on me, and I think he means it when he says it.

At this point, you don't know him well enough to believe him.

Personally, I have issues with cheating (being unfaithful to a partner) period. I could/would never cheat on my partner.
With that said, I think you take each case on its own merits. What were the reasons behind the cheating? Not to suggest that there are good reasons to stray outside an established relationship, especially marriage, but each situation is unique. I dated a man for a few months who admitted to cheating on his first wife, he also noted she cheated on him as well. Both were police officers, worked long hours, and rarely saw each other. They grew apart and the marriage ended. Not sure I was thinking rationally with this guy as out of the blue, I get a phone call....."I met someone else."
Supposedly, we were exclusive......go figure.



I would be a fool not to use my past experiences as learning opportunities

Exactly! Listen to your instincts and think rationally which sometimes can be hard to do when you are in the early stages of liking someone.
 razors_edge55
Joined: 11/25/2013
Msg: 56
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/22/2013 7:27:09 PM
How or why people cheat is beyond me, my ex did after 17 years and I forgave her cause it was so not the person I knew.
Well it turned out it was the person she had become.
Staying true to your self and your word is a 24/7 job in this world of temptation, don't take it lightly. Mean what you say , say what you mean. Cheers
 SngleNarlington
Joined: 6/8/2013
Msg: 57
Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/22/2013 9:05:05 PM
I had one girlfriend (that I know of) that cheated on me when I was 21 years old and that experience formed my opinion about cheating. I’m a selfish man and do not like to share! So if a woman were to cheat on me, she gets the boot and there is no possibly way I could ever trust her again.
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 58
Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/22/2013 10:36:52 PM
I was married to a cheater, and I honestly think that trying to forgive him is what gave him license to keep doing it. His friends also lived in the same mentality of it being acceptable so it was not discouraged. After I left, I spoke to one of his friends who told me that even though I was an incredible wife, it was just unrealistic of me to think that any man could remain in a monogamous relationship because it just wasn't in their genetic makeup. I simply think that my ex and his circle of friends were incapable of grasping the impact or consequences of their actions. He definitely felt the impact when I pulled up with a U-haul truck. And now I am happy and will never make that mistake again...
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 59
Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/22/2013 11:08:31 PM
1)WHY did he cheat the first time? did he rationalize it?was he driven to it (honestly, some victims are not innocent, I've listened to stories of people who stopped going to the counseling, got sick of the belittling, etc, and ended up finding a better human being and things happened)?did he simply grab an opportunity?was he drunk?how long did the cheating go on for?

you may find whatever caused him to cheat...may occur again. leaving a marriage isn't like leaving a relationship, but it is taking the easy way out. does he take the easy way out on other aspects in his life, or does he deny what he wants, in order to stay loyal?

2)people don't love and cherish their partners, then magically wake up one second and go, "wow, I'm totally going to be the opposite of myself, go against the view I have of myself as a stand-up, loyal person, and stick my weiner where it doesn't belong."

the disrespect comes out in other ways. The willingness to put one's needs ahead of hurting those closest, reveal themselves in plenty of other behaviors and attitudes towards a partner. IF you know truly what disrespect looks like, you can see it easily in a partner.

but sometimes we don't spot it...b/c it looks like our own behavior. taking the easy way out on things, putting our needs ahead of others, rationalizing our ability to do something just b/c we should have a right to, et cetera.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 60
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Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/23/2013 9:32:03 AM
I cheated in the past, when i was young (in my teens) and very very messed up. I went through extensive mental health treatment when i was 20, gained a huge amount of self worth and understanding, and met a wonderful guy who taught me what a real relationship should be like. I understood my cheating for what it was, an act of self destruction at a time when I had no love or respect for myself.

Having gained a sense of self worth now through a lot of hard work, I would never (and have never since) cheat again. Even when a relationship has gone south, even when 'drunk' and all of the other host of 'temptation situations'. I can 100% say i absolutely wont again because i understand now the damage it did to me as a person, let alone the relationships i was in.

As some others have said, it hugely depends on the reason he cheated in the past and his level of self awareness. I would give him a chance, but that's only because i know that cheaters do not always continue to cheat.
 doorknob123
Joined: 7/8/2013
Msg: 61
Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/23/2013 12:23:48 PM
Jeez louis, if you will just be worried all the time then i think that it's best to end the relationship. If I were you and I was highly attracted to him, I would just stop worrying and go with the flow. If he ever cheats on me in the long run (middle) then i will just break up with him!
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