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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Harsh Reality of Dating these days.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 26
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Harsh Reality of Dating these days. Page 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
This is in response to Danimal:

I agree with you as far as backgrounds are concerned. I am a doctor's daughter from a small town in Germany, and he was raised by a mostly single teenage mom in the hood.

But we're in relatively similar places now.

Still, I agree. The way we "get" each other and the understanding and compassion we have for each other are unparalleled in any romantic relationship we ever had. It's inexplicable and kind of miraculous, and it was like that from the very beginning.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 27
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 3:10:03 PM

It's interesting that this "counselor" is busy looking at our profiles, answers, and then is so good as to diagnose us without even so much as meeting us and knowing anything about any of us. Doesn't he have anything else better to do? Are you paying him for his time while he does this research? I find this unprofessional, unfair, unethical, and downright rude. He recommends that you post something, and then actually looks at the responses? What's he doing...writing a book?


All of this got started when he asked about me dating. I told him that I was looking & taking it slow. He said how was I looking and I said Plenty of Fish. He then became interested because 15 of his clients have been on websites like this and complain about them. I told him that I think the place is good way to meet people, but you have to be realistic about your expectations. So he wanted to do some research. How can he speak to us about online dating if he is not seeing what is going on? That is when I just showed him how some of us relate to each other in forums. I think I have learned a lot by just reading the forums and we discussed it. So no, I am not paying him for that and it has helped me find my center after my devastating divorce. No I only go once a quarter to just talk out some issues. Someone that will listen and give good advice.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 28
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 3:21:08 PM
^^^
First off,
It's great you got a counselor to help you over your rough patch.
(most folks try to tough it out and just end up suffering longer than need be)

And it's good you educated him about this site.
It'll probably make him a better counselor for his patients
who are also frustrated with online stuff.

I agree we can be our own worst enemies as to dating.
However, we can change that.
We are not doomed to be that way forever.

We can only work on ourselves though.
Can't change others.
Only endure em.
:-P
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 29
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 3:22:14 PM

Counselors like us to blame ourselves; it's their bread and butter. If we were all well adjusted, how would they make a living?


Sounds like you either had one of two things happen. You had a bad counselor or you never been to one. My counselor had me stop blaming the world for my horrible marriage and deal with the situation. He was the only person I could relay my frustrations to and get GOOD advice.


That's real comforting; I feel like I have been wrapped up in a warm fuzzy blanket.................... and then thrown into the river.
So now you either are going to sink the bottom and drown or swim to the side and walk out on your own. It is YOUR choice to either sink or swim. I choose to swim and survive.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 30
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 3:27:36 PM
I have been to 5. There was going to be a 6th due to disability requirements, but nobody in my town accepts patients on Medicare or their Medicare program is full. So I am done.

Also, I don't blame the world for the failure of my marriage. I blame myself and my ex. I also blame many of my so-called friends who became turncoats. I look at the actions of everyone involved.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 31
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Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 4:59:47 PM
OP, all good points. We also have it in our power to improve many of the things you mentioned, which goes back to it being we who are the cause of our loneliness. As far as online dating goes, you reach out to a lot more people online, and as such get rejected by a lot more people. So it's a harsh reality multiplied. But that doesn't stop me from asking for dates. I've yet to get a date with any woman I've ever asked in my life. Used to be bitter about it, but I've matured past that, and accepted my singleness. Now, I dare women to go out with me, because I know they just can't do it.
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 32
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/24/2013 4:16:50 AM
I simply can not believe a phyciatrist would take to a forums website, and diagnose the vast majority.....that never happened. However , YOUR insight i find very correct,, on we choose singledom for ourselves. If your councler DID do this then run toot sweet, as they are a wack job. People confront each other every day, just sometimes behind the wheel of a car, under their breathe, and yes with the somewhat annonimity of the internet say too much....
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 33
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/24/2013 5:25:57 AM

I simply can not believe a psychiatrist would take to a forums website, and diagnose the vast majority.


He is a counselor not a psychiatrist. He advises not diagnoses. He just wanted to see why some people are complaining about online dating to get insight to some of his clients. If you had clients that had problems with X, wouldn't you want to see why they are complaining? Not many counselors do that kind of thing. That is why I go see him about 4 times a year now. After my divorce , I went to him once a month for 18 months. After that, he told me that I had all the tools I needed to go on. Years later, it still helps to get a good perspective on my world from someone that has a good outlook on life.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 34
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/24/2013 10:19:13 AM

So his harsh reality to me you might ask? Well he said, you are single because of you, not anyone else.


Its true. But we needn’t see it as harsh reality. It can be viewed as a liberating and empowering reality too.
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 35
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/25/2013 12:31:12 AM
Granted, that may be the case, and if it helps the OP , well who am I to poo poo on it. I thought he was speaking of a Phyciatrist, and they dont generally go around analyzing people without objective proof. A life coach or counclers is a much different monkey.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 36
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/25/2013 5:49:51 AM
After reading this entire post, I think some people just proved OP's point.

Yes, the forums are full of bitterness and angry and with very few people looking at themselves. It is so much easier to blame others than take personal responsibility.

You have to love those who even stone the counselor. A counselors job is to help someone find their truths and find their answers, not the counselors. This is a another great scapegoat.. blame the counselor rather than facing the truth about one's self.

Yes, we all have fault and blame in our past relationships. Sometimes its for merely not leaving when you should, sometimes its for working too hard, sometimes the exact opposite, however, the counselor was stating until individuals begin to look at their own issues, they are damned to repeat them.

Yes, it is so much easier to blame everyone else, when the truth does lie within. For me it was realizing I was CHOOSING the same man in different clothes. Once I was able to see my role in the issue, my ability to change myself was there.

I avoid dating those who see their problems as everyone else fault. I avoid those who read something like this and poo poo its merit. I avoid dating those who refuse to change anything about themselves and cry and whine when others become enlightened.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 37
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/25/2013 8:23:30 AM

You have to love those who even stone the counselor. A counselors job is to help someone find their truths and find their answers, not the counselors. This is a another great scapegoat.. blame the counselor rather than facing the truth about one's self.


Okay, to play devil's advocate here, aren't you blaming those who stone the counselor rather than accepting your role as a counselor and not facing the truth about yourself?

You might think this is an unfair or unrealistic judgment upon you, and as such now you might understand where those who accept their portion of the blame but keep hearing you are bitter and blame others (because honestly, many times those others are also to blame - we don't live in a vacuum) might feel when they are judged in this manner.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 38
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/25/2013 8:52:16 AM
While we are waiting for Charliesmom to clarify her post....I will put in my opinion.
Definition of a counsellor:
Counsellors provide a space and an opportunity for you to explore behaviours, relationships, feelings or thoughts which trouble you and cause difficulties in your life. While these difficulties are personal, they can impact your academics and your social life. Counselling can help you create better ways of coping with problems common to students such as stress, relationship difficulties, anxiety and depression.

IMO....They are a sounding board and are trained to help... some people may get the gist or have the light bulb moment(as the OP has)...after only a few visits!
Then there are a few others may never accept/get it...not too hard to comprehend.
 H0wAboutIt
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 39
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/25/2013 8:53:07 AM


If we REALLY wanted to, we could date the first person who contacts us here because you have one thing in common. You are both single. However, we look at a picture, read a few words and then make snap judgments on those things. When we do contact each other, we are judged the same way. No wonder why some of us are bitter because we do make contact and then we are judged “unworthy” by someone who doesn’t want to get to know us. Cause we are all awesome right? (more sarcasm


Most people are single because of themselves. It's true. Anyone who says otherwise means they probably aren't ready to move to the next relationship.

However, your sermon is void of any attachment to reality and the real world that we live in. Yes, in a perfect world where we all lived on an island by ourselves, and weren't socialized people with zilch complexities that would be just fine. You both are single so make it work! HAHA! YAY!

However, on planet Earth, there are so many people with diverse intentions, backgrounds, contexts, and ways of life. You try to seek someone that's identifies with you and you are compatible with. This also applies to standards of beauty. Someone with five stomachs may be sexy to someone else, but for someone else the idea of someone having a watermelon for a stomach with a gazillion stretch marks may not be sexy.

You can't go with the flow if you don't get along and are not attracted to each other.


Long story short: Try again pal
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 40
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/25/2013 11:06:05 AM
Exactly Whiskey!! No counselor has all the answers, and never has YOUR answers. They are trained and well educated ( 10 years+ license+ training's, internships, supervision and life long education and experience) But we DO NOT PROVIDE YOUR ANSWERS. We help others identify areas where their life is not working and help provide tools and alternatives to obtain their desired goals. If the patient does not do the work, nothing changes. We teach coping skills, problem solving, anger management, relaxation skills and cognitive behavioral such as sometimes is the way we think or perceive things that is the problem. Change the way we think about a situation and it changes the reaction and behavior.

Counselors do not know everything and the patient is always the expert in his or her own life. We assist them identifying areas where things are not working and provide ways to change it, accept it or work around it.

For example: if a patient is depressed, often times their view of the world is dark and dismal. Cognitive behavioral therapy provides them proof there are positive things in their life and often more positive things than negative things. We teach them to identify those things, write them down and focus on them, rather than allowing one bad thing in the day define the day as bad.

However, if a patient does not do the homework and is not open to change, the counselor can do nothing. Of course then the patient says the counselor is bad and did not help me or fix me.. really? Was that the counselors job or yours?
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 41
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/25/2013 12:14:11 PM
^^^ +1 and thank for the laughs.. I agree.. its looking in a mirror that is needed.. not just about superficial looks, but if you are angry bitter, selfish or whiny.. of course no women respond!! Who wants that in their life!

I find its too easy for me to see through most of the crap people write. ( Sorry my education and years of experience does pay off) I am too, am imperfect being, However, I do not seek perfection like many on here do.. good luck with that.

I seek compatibility, love, honesty etc.. and I wont just date anyone who writes me.. Sorry.. then to be called names for having the same right as men do to decide who they date.. PATHETIC.!!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 42
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/25/2013 12:21:57 PM
Of course I will take it back to basics beyond us being the reason we are single and suggest we should see single as something that sometimes happens in life rather than see it as something terrible we have to analyze and solve. Single or involved happen to all of us at least a couple times in life. Single isn't a horrible punishment we have to escape at all costs, and involved isn't the be-all answer to everything.

The real question is - why is our relationship status so freaking important to us in the first place? It's a total first world issue, and it's relative. Meanwhile, there are people out there wondering if they'll get food today.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 43
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/25/2013 1:16:49 PM

A counselors job is to help someone find their truths and find their answers


Don't ya mean, doing the job that most parents have not done????

Thus the reason we are now seeing more and more "life coaches"??????
 lostinalostworld
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 44
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/25/2013 1:39:04 PM
My councillor committed suicide and named me as the reason in her suicide note! lmao...
 Space_Weaver
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 45
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/26/2013 7:30:35 AM
I agree with one of the posters in that being single is not something bad. Your counselor said to see the problem as it's not them, rather it is you. In part he is right. While having would likes; likes, and don't likes is something that keeps us safe and happy, however I feel that people are really stringent in these parameters and are not really willing to bend the slightest bit. The problem is that we are holding people to a zero-defect mentality to some minor things that possibly could be changed, thus we are overlooking the true measure of a person. I'm not talking about major Faux Pas, rather minor, changeable ones.

The last observation is, is what I call the flying-cartwheels/ butterflies effect. Sorry to be blunt, but it seems when we meet we are instantly holding a narrow 2-point litmus test and judging a person too quickly in the first few minutes of a meet:1. are they fvckable, and 2. how will my friends and family view me with this person. I can't stress this enough, it takes quality time spent with a person to know if they will shine, or dull, unless their character was questionable right off the bat. By the time I'm nearing the end of a 30 minute chat over coffee, I'm just getting to the point of "it's been nice weather this week", unless I'm an auctioneer. These days it seems we are lacking the ability to clearly communicate, listening to what is really being said, and the ability to give a BIT more time to really see a person
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 46
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/26/2013 8:40:18 AM
Sometimes it is also the other way around, the people who contact you just are not good or suitable matches. Sometimes you do have to define what is really important to you.. and not settle just to say you have a partner.

There is nothing wrong with being single. If you choose that lifestyle.. awesome. There is only a problem when you personally decide you do not want to be single.

Dating is tough and finding a good partner is hard work. if you had not healed from your past, you are damned to repeat it. JMHO
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 47
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/26/2013 9:29:13 AM

However, your sermon is void of any attachment to reality and the real world that we live in. Yes, in a perfect world where we all lived on an island by ourselves, and weren't socialized people with zilch complexities that would be just fine. You both are single so make it work! HAHA! YAY!


What??? My whole post was rooted in reality. The reality is that you are limited to your choices in dating by who YOU are. You can change somethings, but still you are only going to be able to find someone that wants to date you for who you are. If you overweight and loose what it takes to become slim, that is great. If you were a jerk before, the weight means nothing. So you are still limited by other aspects of your personality. How is that NOT reality?

Just saying I think you wanted to post to teach me something, but you didn't read what I was really trying to say. Good try though.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 48
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/26/2013 9:35:48 AM

Wow, this should be filed under "No sh!t, Sherlock" or "Hello, Capt Obvious".


Looking at someone else, that is very easy to say. However, when you are looking at ourselves is it that easy?



Then come back and post how you weren't compatible with any of them and why it didn't work out.


Ha. I think my counselor will be using exactly what you said.
 jeni366
Joined: 2/17/2013
Msg: 49
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/26/2013 11:50:38 AM
We must have some standards, but some people have unrealistic and unreasonable standards by which they judge potential dates (but the same applies to other parts of their lives). Our standards and expectations can create divides. The question is, do you know who you are? Do you know what path you are following? Do you know how your life relates to others? Do you know what limitations your path presents? Can you accept these things about yourself and your life?

When you create obstacles in your own life that frustrate you, that's when you need to consider making some changes. Otherwise, be who you are and let life play out as it will.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 50
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/26/2013 1:18:15 PM
"The point to all of this is that in dating, there is a harsh reality that no one may want us because of who we are. That goes true to the fact that may not click with some people because of who they are. So instead of being all upset about it, just go with the flow. Don’t finger point at each other because the harsh reality is that WE are the reason we are single."

"no one may want us because of who we are" - what utter nonsense. There is someone out there that will want us because of who we are. Maybe it's because of that pessimistic attitude that people believe they are single. Positive thoughts attract, negative ones automatically repel people. They can sense the negativity oozing out of your pores.

Remember, there is someone that will find you awesome. And whomever judges you "unworthy" is the unworthy one.

I just don't understand why so many people find a hard time finding someone. Maybe it's self worth - you just have to KNOW that you are worthy and act and live that way.
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