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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Harsh Reality of Dating these days.      Home login  
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 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 51
Harsh Reality of Dating these days. Page 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
+1^^^ No on has to settle just to have a partner. I agree we need to be realistic and make sure our list of must haves are in sync with reality.. However I personally wont settle for Joe Smoe, just because I dislike being alone.

I will wait until I find someone I truly enjoy being with.. someone I look forward to seeing and get that awesome feeling when the phone rings..

Until then.. I will go out with friends, enjoy my kids and enjoy life. I am going to a fund raiser for MS tonight.. Life goes on!!
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 52
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/26/2013 3:26:26 PM

No on has to settle just to have a partner. I agree we need to be realistic and make sure our list of must haves are in sync with reality..


I don't think 'Reality' is quite the right word here. Most people are not looking for superheroes or magical beings. It's not a question of finding a REAL human being; but more a question of finding a practical choice. You have every right to not settle for someone that's BAD for you, but I think the 'realistic' expectations people put forth are more like their ideal mate than a reasonable match. People have their 'laundry lists' of items they want from an ideal mate - but how many items on that list are you willing to 'fudge' the specifics?

If you take a 'typical' success story out of Match or POF or any of a number of dating sites, and compared it to their 'laundry lists' they made as singles, I'm seriously willing to bet they only 'matched' up on about 25 to 30 percent of that list. The ability to get along with someone - that mysterious 'chemistry' - is what allows us to overlook the rest of the list, and some of their personal 'flaws' - and see people as a decent partner.

I think the 'serial daters' and the people who've been online in here constantly for a decade or more have laundry lists, too - but because they've been hurt or screwed over or just plain displeased with their past results, they keep raising that percentage higher to avoid getting hurt again. They may be willing to 'fudge' their details too - but only to a certain point, which OBVIOUSLY isn't low enough to find a match good enough to leave the site. If you STILL think your lists are 'reasonable' - and that any Joe Schmoe shouldn't have ANY trouble matching 80% of them - I really think you need to reconsider it. Your ideal match is going to be somewhere under 45% - you just have to be willing to give them - and yourself - a chance.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 53
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/26/2013 4:49:52 PM
I had great GREAT dates with a few of the top 10 of the guys they matched me with. I can't believe how AWESOME POF was in figuring out my matches. I'm now in a relationship (don't say BF/GF it'll freak me out) with #8 on that list. The top 10 all matched my basic checklists (career, education, age, interests, personality types, and attractiveness). Awesome job!

(I did searches on my own and didn't do as good of a job. lol)
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 54
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/29/2013 8:01:50 AM

I had great GREAT dates with a few of the top 10 of the guys they matched me with. I can't believe how AWESOME POF was in figuring out my matches.


That is very reassuring to hear. I had some matched and I haven't looked into them yet. I have kind of been scared to as they are not women, I would have picked. So I will give that a try.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 55
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/29/2013 7:25:28 PM
Dating is OBVIOUSLY not fun......... When you never get any.
 Vertical-Man
Joined: 11/9/2013
Msg: 56
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 2/28/2014 6:55:14 PM
“he was stunned at how angry and bitter towards each other we were. It was like he said that we were just blaming each other for personal things”

My sentiments exactly. I’ve seen firsthand how some people will tear someone apart for feeling sorry for him/herself or for asking an immature question. It’s not just this vitriol goes on between people, it’s also the strict forum rules that often delete others unjustly for -according to the rules- he/she was expressing self-pity. There is zero tolerance for it yet it is a valid human emotion. Why should we be so punitive at people who feel such despair? No doubt, it would indeed be a problem if someone is constantly lamenting his lot. But even so, and when people do this they are not aware of what they are doing and need to be told caringly that such behavior will not help them. Personal web sites say they want people to find love, well, it would not hurt of they expressed some it themselves.

“The truth that most people don’t want to admit to ourselves is that we are single because of who we are”

I agree but not entirely. It seems your counselor did not take into account the socio economic conditions in which we live that impinges on who we are and our emotional and psychological well being. A man can be quite unattractive and cruel but if he's’ filthy rich, watch how fast women will come up to him. Understandably, women want security but money has away to dismiss any faults or character defects in another. In addition, you could be unlike a man of wealth: akin to a saint, endowed with the noblest of virtues but it would not make a particle of difference to women. Why? because most are unable to recognize good men when they see them.

"It is not some woman’s fault that they don’t like me for their own reasons"

Not quite: According to relationship coach Daniel Packard, he states that women are unknowingly conditioned into what he refers to as a "culture of femininity" that narrows their perception hence they fail to realize that their conditioned beliefs as to what constitutes dating and or relationships are getting in the way of finding a lasting mate. Dr. Ruti seconds that emotion by saying that women have and continue to be unknowingly and socially conditioned to behave certain ways and they erroneously assume it is in “their nature” to be that way when in reality it is not so.

“The point to all of this is that in dating, there is a harsh reality that no one may want us because of who we are”

There is some truth to this and the sad part is that many remain unaware of the fear that is keeping them in bondage. How are we going to know WHO a person is if we don’t make efforts to interact with them in a direct personal level? The personals help but all it does is that it informs us that we exist. It’s up to us to make the next move by actually getting out there and meet people. I wanted it so bad, that when I replied to women I offered them a friendly dinner at a restaurant but they did not take my offer. I’m convinced now more than ever that no amount of online personals is going to help me find a lasting mate. There is something very wrong with men and women these days especially those in midlife. I can see why men will go as far as Asia or South America to find someone. It seems I may have to do the same.
 that_ol_lady
Joined: 4/19/2013
Msg: 57
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/1/2014 7:51:48 AM
Does dating an meeting new people suck? of course it does!! why do you think people hold on to bad partners an relationships for so long..

comfort an history..

who the fuk wants to start over with somebody new every week or month..an go through all the blah blah blahs only to find out they are not a match or just a straight up liar all around..


does dating an meeting new people get easier as you get older HELL naw it does not..just each time you know more about what you like an what you do not like so it makes the process go a little bit faster on playing musical chairs so to speak.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 58
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/1/2014 8:32:38 AM
Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 59
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/1/2014 10:01:54 AM
Looks like the OP probably got "new advice/wisdom" from the person of which he was speaking to.

Seems he pulled the vanishing act. Surprisingly, he never even gave it a year of effort.

Must have seen the light.

I'm too stubborn to even try to turn it on.
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/1/2014 10:13:32 AM

My councillor committed suicide and named me as the reason in her suicide note! lmao...

hahahahaha!!
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 61
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/1/2014 10:41:44 AM
Being single is not a harsh reality. I've been single for about two years after a 20 year marriage, and I'm starting to finally enjoy it. Yes, I still miss having someone special in my life, to experience things together and to be intimate, but overall it has been a lot more hassle and disappointment than those nice moments. I dont even have big laundry list of things I want in a mate - the main thing is that I have to click and have chemistry. The few times I have met someone like that it always ended on a bad note. But I don't see the point to be with someone I'm not excited about. THankfully, should the urge to get physical get too big, it's very easy to find some hot guy for that too, lol.

I'm lucky that I already have my kids and don't want any more. I love them more than anything, they are healthy and my little girl is a big snuggler. I am doing great financially, have a beautiful new house in a nice neighborhood, have good friends and a great career. The future is really looking bright. A great man would be icing on the cake, and I'm just going to have to continue to be patient. I'm focusing a lot more on meeting people IRL, which has been hard up unti now due to all the changes in my life, but that's over now. NO guarantee that I'll meet anybody more suitable that way, but OLD clearly has not worked for me.

Embrace being single and enjoy your freedom.
 razors_edge55
Joined: 11/25/2013
Msg: 62
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/1/2014 11:55:40 AM
Gosh karma, how do you look so hot (as in warm,,wink) living in Washington ? ;@ and this time of year? Well me I've been busy traveling and working I don't harp on being single , If I meet someone ,great if not whatever . I'm doing lots of things I put off just now and life is great. but I do miss spooning ,and giving a nice foot rub ,,,ah I degress.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 63
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/1/2014 1:07:36 PM

Does dating an meeting new people suck? of course it does!! why do you think people hold on to bad partners an relationships for so long..

I disagree. It can be awkward -- but good. And can obviously have mixed results -- and for too many people, they can hate going out on "new dates" with someone "new". But some people like it -- a lot -- when in the right mood & phase in life (which will come & go now and again).

I think people hold onto bad relationships because of Attachment. And some people are emotionally weak and fear loneliness. But by & large, people stay in bad relationships because of Attachment ... and for many also, seeing "single" as some failure or pseudo-failure in reference to being "taken".

who the fuk wants to start over with somebody new every week or month..an go through all the blah blah blahs only to find out they are not a match or just a straight up liar all around..

It doesn't have to be that bad. However, if one person has that take on it, sure, there's a good chance make it almost as miserable for the other. But it can be fun, when you take a more casual route in the Pre-Dating phase. For some people, all they need is 1 out of 5 to go Bad (lying, wack, etc) -- for them to inaccurately define pre-dating as that 1 out of 5 bad situation.

does dating an meeting new people get easier as you get older HELL naw it does not

I pretty much agree. There are SOME things that are easier... like you'll find more straight-forwardness. But, you'll also have a higher chance of Baggage, apprehension & emotional issues. When dating someone younger, there can be more 'standard' games, but if you can click, it'll more likely just click and roll freely (which may be a good thing or bad thing). That's from my experience anyway.

But I'll agree that if all Pre-Dating was, was just handshakes & lemonade like some game show -- yeah, I wouldn't be a fan at all. Thankfully, it doesn't have to be like that at all.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 64
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History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/1/2014 7:20:20 PM
I went on 3 first meets...met my boyfriend on the third. I actually enjoyed the whole experience. All three were perfect gentlemen and we had a nice chat. Perhaps one needs to be more vigilant of whom one meets.

As for being older...I was. As a woman I found it less if an issue than when younger. We develop better social skills and so do most men. Also, I was 'old' as in past any desire to have more children and marriage not a variable. No assessing for 'future family' and more for a life partner.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 65
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/1/2014 8:52:09 PM
OP, I agree. The harshest reality I have found, is my own qualifications. For a woman to qualify for me to be interested, she has to be both single AND available (no boyfriend that is). Hadn't found one yet.

@ TrustinKarma: 2 YEARS??????? :-O Is THAT all???? I've never NOT been single...... And I'm older than you.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 66
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/1/2014 9:09:15 PM
^^^^^
Yeah, it sometimes seems like I'm competing with another peni$ somewhere to win her affection...

She's gotta 'get closure' before fully going all in. Hmm..yeah. Ok. Sure sweety. Get your stuff out of his place while I'm at work. Totally understand and I'm here for you:)

Dueling glow in the dark condoms!
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 67
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/2/2014 4:08:06 AM

Being single is not a harsh reality. I've been single for about two years after a 20 year marriage, and I'm starting to finally enjoy it. Yes, I still miss having someone special in my life, to experience things together and to be intimate, but overall it has been a lot more hassle and disappointment than those nice moments. I dont even have big laundry list of things I want in a mate - the main thing is that I have to click and have chemistry. The few times I have met someone like that it always ended on a bad note. But I don't see the point to be with someone I'm not excited about. THankfully, should the urge to get physical get too big, it's very easy to find some hot guy for that too, lol.

I'm lucky that I already have my kids and don't want any more. I love them more than anything, they are healthy and my little girl is a big snuggler. I am doing great financially, have a beautiful new house in a nice neighborhood, have good friends and a great career. The future is really looking bright. A great man would be icing on the cake, and I'm just going to have to continue to be patient. I'm focusing a lot more on meeting people IRL, which has been hard up unti now due to all the changes in my life, but that's over now. NO guarantee that I'll meet anybody more suitable that way, but OLD clearly has not worked for me.

Embrace being single and enjoy your freedom.

Great attitude- you have a good head on your shoulders which makes it harder for you (but not impossible) to find someone on the same level as you. I think IRL or a pay site would have the caliber of man you need!


who the fuk wants to start over with somebody new every week or month..an go through all the blah blah blahs only to find out they are not a match or just a straight up liar all around..
does dating an meeting new people get easier as you get older HELL naw it does not

I used to feel that way when I did online dating- it was exhausting, draining, too much work, like a 2nd full time job. Apparantly many men & some women LIKE all that drama etc. maybe they like variety or an opportunity to have their ego stroked (they really do NOT want a relationship, but want to meet many people to see if they can get all these random strangers to "like" them), or they are impulsive thrill seeker types (BPD)

If someone wants real success they need to work on themselves 1st, inside & out if they haven't been able to find a good partner. Most people IMO are in denial when it comes to that.

The harsh reality is the folks who have their sh1t together, inside & out are more desireable & get results more easily.
 PlentyofThis123
Joined: 11/23/2013
Msg: 68
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/2/2014 4:09:00 AM
THankfully, should the urge to get physical get too big, it's very easy to find some hot guy for that too, lol.



If this is the case, then great for you....I suppose *Shrug*, but for those who don't do the FWB thing, being single isn't all that appealing and it can get lonely at times.

So I'm taking its GREAT to be single (for you), but only if your'e getting casual sex...but that's not my thing.
 Crystal_Planet
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 69
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/2/2014 7:25:34 AM

who the fuk wants to start over with somebody new every week or month..an go through all the blah blah blahs only to find out they are not a match or just a straight up liar all around..

Hmmm. You seem to meet a lot of those - liars I mean. Perhaps your area is just full of nothing but them, or you need to have your bs radar replaced - because clearly, it ain't workin'.

As we get older, it seems a number of things conspire against us. We seem to get a little lonelier (or the opposite - we relish our isolation more) maybe because we are more in tune with our mortality. We want to meet someone, but our "must have list" is a little longer and seems to be written in stone. We tend to overlook others because of their faults, even the smallest faults because we "don't want to settle"; whereas before we never settled - we accepted a reasonable amount of difference because the person was worth knowing otherwise. (And by "acceptance" I mean the the things that are wholly tolerable by people in other circumstances - being a morning person, whistling in the shower - stuff like that. The small stuff. You know the stuff that people nowadays call "red flags")

Also, this place tends to foster that attitude in spades. After all, why should I have "to settle" on an imperfect mate, when the POF store is open 24/7 and I can simply go out and get a better cut of meat, errr date?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 70
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/2/2014 8:23:25 AM
I will say this...I have tried to overlook traits in people that I didn't love in order to give them a chance. More often than not, this has been a mistake - both for me and this other person as it causes time wasting. I'm not saying all people with a list they won't deviate from are right - I'm saying many times that list is there based on experience and means something to that person.

At the end of the day, if a person is fine with staying single until they can fulfill that list (or avoid everything on it, as it were) even if that means single forever, what harm is that doing to them or anyone else? Sure some are looking at the display case with no intention to buy anything but it certainly beats those who will date anyone to avoid being single and ending up with almost no one they match well with or stay with very long - in my opinion that does a lot more damage.
 PlentyofThis123
Joined: 11/23/2013
Msg: 71
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/2/2014 8:30:00 AM

I will say this...I have tried to overlook traits in people that I didn't love in order to give them a chance. More often than not, this has been a mistake - both for me and this other person as it causes time wasting. I'm not saying all people with a list they won't deviate from are right - I'm saying many times that list is there based on experience and means something to that person.


Depends on the list.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 72
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/2/2014 8:35:33 AM

Depends on the list.

It only depends to the person who doesn't make the list. If you know you're not going to make everyone's list - and you won't, this is part of dating - why would this bother you at all unless it matters more to you to date generally to keep from remaining single?

If my chest size isn't big or small enough, if I'm not short or tall enough, if my hair or skin color is wrong, if I'm not thin or fat enough, if if if a million other things...cause me to be undateable to someone - then so be it. Why should I stress over this exactly?
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/2/2014 8:38:54 AM
...this is why I think my kind of "list" is the best way to go.
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 74
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/2/2014 8:59:17 AM

It only depends to the person who doesn't make the list. If you know you're not going to make everyone's list - and you won't, this is part of dating - why would this bother you at all unless it matters more to you to date generally to keep from remaining single?

Exactly!!

this is why I think my kind of "list" is the best way to go

LOL...I was totally lost on reading your list...each to their own...simple.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 75
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/2/2014 9:33:29 AM
"There is a harsh reality my counselor brought to my attention yesterday. He had been hinting at it for months. However, when I gave him the POF forums website, he said he was stunned at how angry and bitter towards each other we were. It was like he said that we were just blaming each other for personal things. So his harsh reality to me you might ask? Well he said, you are single because of you, not anyone else. I didn’t get it at first, but I had known all along he was right."

Reality is reality, like truth. Truth can be brutal, but it doesn't have to always be just like reality isn't always harsh. I think that's an extreme and negative viewpoint. I see anger and bitterness in the forums, but I also see lots of caring and support. You tend to find what you look for. The people who are blaming others for what has happened in their lives either aren't mature or are blissfully unaware. You are responsible for where you are in your life, it doesn't mean that no one else had anything to do with it, either in a positive or negative way. If I were you, I'd cancel any future appointments with this counselor, they appear to have a very negative slant and may have influenced you to think negatively about dating and about yourself. IMO, that's just not helpful, don't go back to this person.
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