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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Harsh Reality of Dating these days.      Home login  
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 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 101
Harsh Reality of Dating these days. Page 5 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
quoting Karma;

I am ending those boring convos, and if someone doesn't ask me out within a few days of talking, I move on.... Sadly, none of the guys I've met and liked seem to think I'm worth it. Too bad there is no way to find out from the get go, because they were all always VERY enthusiastic...

quoting myself:

The huge mystery is that we have no idea who may be truly interested and who is just playing the game, and whether it's just a few minutes or a few months, it always seems like that wasted time is more valuable than lost gold or diamonds, and people loathe each other for wasting it.

I think part of the harsh reality is realizing the true cost of finding someone is TIME, and people need to be willing to accept risking that loss, because it's going to take time no matter what. Whether or not a relationship has a positive outcome doesn't matter; you give it a shot, and that time is gone forever, and can never be re-gained. Anger or revenge or playing the game more 'carefully' is irrelevant, because it's gone - and the rules change every time a new person steps up to play. You just can't be bitter about losing that time - bitter towards yourself, or other people. Time IS the cost of finding someone, no matter what.

If you keep yourself in the mental 'mode' that you're never going to waste any more time the next go-round is just stupid - finding the next one quicker or more efficiently is NEVER a guarantee of better results. It ALWAYS takes time to learn about someone, no matter how talented your 'picker' may be. Instead of using that early time to learn and adapt, people fight it and instead keep fruitlessly demanding more of themselves and others. That loss of patience to learn is something EVERY one of us can gain back for ourselves, but so few want to bother doing it. People just keep buying lottery tickets hoping for that huge instant payout instead of working on investing themselves into a better future.

Every individual works at a different pace, and part of adapting to a relationship is being patient enough to realize sometimes you're not going to get what you want as fast as you want it. Putting another before yourself doesn't mean getting stepped on -it means you're willing to adapt and work WITH them instead of demanding them to adapt to you. Getting road rage on a crowded freeway helps no one, but having the sense to exit at the right time and take the road less traveled will still get you to your destination, if you're willing to be patient with the stoplights and such. If you're convinced that 'commute' time has to be completed in XX messages or XX dates with expected results, I'm sorry to tell you there's a helluva lot more ways to slow you down on the road than move faster.
 Like2dance
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 102
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Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/5/2014 3:43:37 PM
For me dating is like the Seinfeld re-runs I watch now and then. People get dropped for seemingly trivial reasons. Nonetheless, that is how it works.
 Nj2ut
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 103
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/5/2014 4:49:30 PM
[I am ending those boring convos, and if someone doesn't ask me out within a few days of talking, I move on. I don't expect a guy to pull his profile after a first date, that's why I let it go on for a few weeks to give him the chance to do it and find out if I'm "worth" it. ]

Honestly I wish it was it simple as saying to a woman on here: "you sound like a great person, I want to get know you better, let's meet me up for drinks and have a conversation this week" instead of the tedious back and forth BS you have to do on here most of the times. But unfortunately that doesn't work in my neck of the woods.

It just get so monotonous reading a profile, sitting back, thinking gee she's pretty what do I write. She likes music, I like music, I'll write to her about our mutual like of music.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 104
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/5/2014 8:20:32 PM
When it's all said and done, the harsh reality of dating these days is all about time and effort. You put time and effort into these forums; time and effort into your day to day stuff; and time and effort into dating......whatever that may be. It's your time and you get what you make of it. I like to look at it like this....... time is on my side, yes it is! :) Ok, that was corny..... ;P
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 105
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/6/2014 4:30:19 AM

I think part of the harsh reality is realizing the true cost of finding someone is TIME, and people need to be willing to accept risking that loss, because it's going to take time no matter what. Whether or not a relationship has a positive outcome doesn't matter; you give it a shot, and that time is gone forever, and can never be re-gained. Anger or revenge or playing the game more 'carefully' is irrelevant, because it's gone - and the rules change every time a new person steps up to play. You just can't be bitter about losing that time - bitter towards yourself, or other people. Time IS the cost of finding someone, no matter what.

This is the crux of it. If you feel you have limited time to pair off, you're always going to be frustrated. If you feel that you wasted time when something doesn't work and you can't deal with being single, you're going to be even more frustrated. That's no one's problem but yours...
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 106
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Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/6/2014 10:30:38 AM
Time? There is nothing in the universe that takes priority over my boyfriend. I know that a healthy relationship is what I wanted and what I worked at to achieve. It is central to my existence. If I had to stay up into he wee hours answering messages OLD and had to have meet a hundred frogs along the way ..I would have done it. He is worth it times a million. I know he would have climbed a mountain for me.

Unlike more politically correct women today, I am ready to admit that I am never truly content if not in a good relationship. If I don't have this then everything else is just 'ok' in life. Sure, be happy with oneself, have a nice meal with the gals, but at the end of the day I need that war cozy feeling when I snuggle into my guy's arms.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 107
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Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/6/2014 10:37:27 AM

I need that war cozy feeling when I snuggle into my guy's arms.


I'm guessing you meant "warm." And I couldn't agree more.

But I think the point some of us are trying to make is that it has to be the right guy. You speak about kissing 100 frogs. Well, I very nearly did. Ok, I didn't actually kiss them, but I did go on dates with them. And with many of them, the only thing that made them frogs was that they weren't the right one for me.

I can't get that feeling from being with a guy who isn't right, and so, rather than having something that's not what I want, I prefer to be on my own. But, otherwise, yes, I completely agree, there's nothing like that fulfilled feeling that comes when you click into place with the right man.
 Iteration77
Joined: 8/22/2013
Msg: 108
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/6/2014 12:29:19 PM
^^

The last 2 messages. So yes, you guys have found 'the one' and it's rainbows and unicorns and nothing is better. I get it, we see that in our happily coupled friends.

But did that mean that your life really was simply 'on hold' while you were seeking that? Did you never get discouraged, never need a break? Was it full steam ahead, kissing that 45th frog, that 78th one, etc without ever wondering if 'd*mn this just might not happen for me'?

For some reason I'm struggling with this after a period of feeling more 'ok' about flying solo.

Being alone is (for me) preferable to being unhappily paired, but I can admit it DOES get lonely, even someone attempting (heck, succeeding) to be self-actualized.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 109
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Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/6/2014 12:50:27 PM
No. Life was not simply on hold. I actively worked on improving myself and finding happiness in my everyday life in addition to dating while I was doing that.

Yes. I did get discouraged. I got angry, and frustrated, and bitter, and felt sorry for myself. When that happened, I dialed it down, and at times even took a break. The length of the break was determined by my level of frustration. I decided that if I could not approach the next person I planned a date with with a positive attitude, I had no business going on a date at all. So I waited until that was the case.

No. I never really thought that it might not happen for me. I was pretty positive that it would, I just didn't know when.

Yes. I did feel lonely at times, although less so after a while of being alone. A female mentor told me to get a doll or whatever would nurture my lonely inner girl. I got very flowery sheets and a big teddy bear. I worked on nurturing myself, so I could be less needy with whatever man I would meet.

I repeatedly came to these forums with questions I had about situations I had encountered while dating. I appreciated the tough love of people who told me where I had been wrong. I was not looking for validation, I was looking to learn what I could have done better.

And, no. It is not all rainbows and unicorns with my guy. Whatever gave you that idea? I've often mentioned that we have had our struggles. It's just that we're dealing with whatever issues we have, and that we both realize that there are ebbs and flows, and that the not so good times are not really a reflection on the quality of the relationship per se, but rather a natural part of being with another human.

Hope this helps.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 110
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/6/2014 1:01:32 PM

But did that mean that your life really was simply 'on hold' while you were seeking that? Did you never get discouraged, never need a break? Was it full steam ahead, kissing that 45th frog, that 78th one, etc without ever wondering if 'd*mn this just might not happen for me'?

For some reason I'm struggling with this after a period of feeling more 'ok' about flying solo.


The last time I split with someone, I stayed 8 months without dating. Well, went out on one date only. I spend that time with me, wrote a whole novel, got back on my bike. It was well spent time.

Also, if you think you may or may not be wasting time is not a good idea. It puts unnecessary pressure on the current relationship. Every relationship, even the ones that do not work, are not a waste of time because WE learn something. From what we like, to what we are not willing to put up with again. Or even, learn to detect red flags in due time.

After the eight months I went back onto the dating pool, went out in 5 dates. One of those stuck quite well.
 Iteration77
Joined: 8/22/2013
Msg: 111
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/6/2014 2:03:32 PM

And, no. It is not all rainbows and unicorns with my guy. Whatever gave you that idea?


My apologies, having a terrible week and was responding more to the post above yours than to yours, I suppose. The whole (and I'm paraphrasing) "nothing is as good as being in the guys arms" kind of feels like piling on a bit to those of us that aren't in relationships.

Note to self - read only on forums when the days are bad! lol.
 msoptomist
Joined: 11/25/2013
Msg: 112
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/6/2014 3:44:23 PM
Some really sharp and funny people on this last thread....Hey pay attention fellow POF seekers! You're missing some great personalities here!!! I LOL'd a number of times......
 margareta08
Joined: 2/28/2014
Msg: 113
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/6/2014 4:17:23 PM
cheireluvr123
If a man wines and dines a woman for weeks without any reciprocation from her in any way, more fool him. He may buy her favour but he cant buy love.

As for dating 5 guys at once, I doubt that happens often. There may be some meal whores but any sane attractive woman doesnt keep having meals, however free, with a guy she has no real interest in. So if this is your experience, how unfortunate!!!.
My experience is that so many 3-4 men go for 7-8 women and when they dont have success, they become bitter and cynical. Whether 3-4 women want 7-8 men, probably. Online dating wish lists are usually just fantasy and sure, unrealistic in some cases. But we want what we want and would rather be alone than settle.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 114
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/6/2014 8:39:45 PM
Iteration77 - you and me both. I'm sooooooo tired of meeting one frog after another.I'm taking a break from online dating right now because I just don't have it in me anymore to go on yet another date only to go through the same script over and over again. I hope I'll meet someone IRL - I'm making a real effort to go out more and socialize. Hard to do as a single mother with absolutely zero help, but that's my only hope right now.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 115
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/6/2014 10:12:19 PM

I'm sooooooo tired of meeting one frog after another. I'm taking a break from online dating right now because I just don't have it in me anymore to go on yet another date only to go through the same script over and over again...Hard to do as a single mother with absolutely zero help, but that's my only hope right now.

I'm sorry to isolate Karma on this reply - but I just can't have a lot a sympathy for that kind of situation.

I'd like to point out that there are plenty of people in online that don't get ANY dates or ANY meets, and it's not for a lack of trying or from being too 'picky'. You're frustrated about kissing frogs - when there's several people that haven't even gotten ONE reply, much less been kissed!

I know life as a single Mom is tough, but how much tougher would it be if you only got 10 percent of the dating emails you get right now? Talk about kissing frogs! I really wish people were able to comprehend that difference in perspective when they judge the online experience. Some people don't even realize the 'frog' they were kissing was more like Kermit than a slimy amphibian with poisonous mucus membranes on its back.

Sometimes all it takes to succeed in dating is changing your own perspective and realizing that picking any 'match' - good bad, or otherwise - has so, so very little to do with the big picture - and success has everything to do with getting along with the match you already have. Big deal if your frog doesn't turn into a prince - Kermit married a Pig; has no kids; manages a broke, run-down theater; has a hand up his azz at ALL times; and still has entertained and is loved by multiple generations of children and adults.
 Ilovechristmas25
Joined: 1/21/2014
Msg: 116
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/7/2014 5:12:50 AM
This is to the chick who can't be happy without a relationship. Not all women play a "politically correct" card and are genuine in liking their own company. How has desperation been working for you? Desperation attracts the lowest life forms out there in the opposite gender.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 117
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/7/2014 5:17:54 AM

Time? There is nothing in the universe that takes priority over my boyfriend. I know that a healthy relationship is what I wanted and what I worked at to achieve. It is central to my existence. If I had to stay up into he wee hours answering messages OLD and had to have meet a hundred frogs along the way ..I would have done it. He is worth it times a million. I know he would have climbed a mountain for me.

All I can say about this is I'm happy for you - but it's not how everyone conducts their lives or relationships. There is no right or wrong way on this. If this works for you and your guy, then that's all that matters. I don't think you're saying this but I know people who have - those who don't do things your way aren't necessarily at a loss.

Unlike more politically correct women today, I am ready to admit that I am never truly content if not in a good relationship.

I have to ask what "politically correct" means here. Do you mean women that aren't content single but say they are? If so - then fine. But you have to acknowledge that many women are truly content whether single or involved and would rather stay single if a relationship isn't going to fit or enhance their (already peaceful) lives.

If I don't have this then everything else is just 'ok' in life. Sure, be happy with oneself, have a nice meal with the gals, but at the end of the day I need that war cozy feeling when I snuggle into my guy's arms.

Again, it's good that you have a handle on this. I think people should be content before their relationships develop because I feel it's healthier (because if an outside source is determining your contentment, that can cause problems). If you're not capable of that and you're aware of that limitation, and you are then in a place to nurture yourself then that's also healthy.

The whole (and I'm paraphrasing) "nothing is as good as being in the guys arms" kind of feels like piling on a bit to those of us that aren't in relationships.

I'm not in one right now and this statement doesn't bother me so much as make me wonder if it's not projection. Again, I've been involved and single a few times in my life and neither rattles me too much. It's part of the human process to love, lose, love again, etc etc. We all go through it, so we might as well find some peace in solitude because we're not going to avoid it - even if we date all the wrong people to stay off the market.

I'm sooooooo tired of meeting one frog after another.I'm taking a break from online dating right now because I just don't have it in me anymore to go on yet another date only to go through the same script over and over again. I hope I'll meet someone IRL - I'm making a real effort to go out more and socialize. Hard to do as a single mother with absolutely zero help, but that's my only hope right now.

To me this is a result of thinking you have to constantly be dating/searching. Sometimes your life doesn't allow for dating because you have more important things going on - your kids definitely being some of those things (yeah. I said it - taking care of your kids and having time to relax are more important than trying to find someone you have yet to date). So get through this time and date when you have more time, money, energy, interest. There's no law that says you have to look for people 24/7 no matter what else is going on.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 118
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/7/2014 6:40:06 AM

I'm sooooooo tired of meeting one frog after another.I'm taking a break from online dating right now because I just don't have it in me anymore to go on yet another date only to go through the same script over and over again. I hope I'll meet someone IRL...


If you treat dating like a job-a necessary evil in order to snag a guy to drag to the altar, it's no wonder why you're kissing a lot of frogs without any of them turning into a prince. You're scaring off the princes. A question for you: Did you have fun on any of the dates, or enjoy being on a date? Or was it strictly like a job interview, where you were interviewing husband prospects? Dating is suppose to be fun instead of being a chore. If a date ends without a marriage proposal and diamond ring, you should not consider the date a total failure. You will run into the same problem in real life if you have the same game plan.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 119
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/7/2014 8:05:51 AM
I suppose the opposite of the woman searching for a guy to drag to the altar would be the guy hoping to take a gal on a weekend trip after meeting for a glass of wine for 20 minutes. C'mon sweety, breakfast included!
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 120
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/7/2014 6:31:22 PM

If you treat dating like a job-a necessary evil in order to snag a guy to drag to the altar, it's no wonder why you're kissing a lot of frogs without any of them turning into a prince. You're scaring off the princes. A question for you: Did you have fun on any of the dates, or enjoy being on a date? Or was it strictly like a job interview, where you were interviewing husband prospects? Dating is suppose to be fun instead of being a chore. If a date ends without a marriage proposal and diamond ring, you should not consider the date a total failure. You will run into the same problem in real life if you have the same game plan.


I don't treat it like that at all. Right now my inbox is pretty full with 50+ new messages and I'm not eager at all to set up a date anytime soon. I go for weeks or even months without a date, not because I have no options, but because I'm not in the mood at times. When I do go on dates, I try to have fun - only works if I click with the guy though. Not a job interview at all. That's why I don't find out the "dealbreakers" until a few weeks into the relationship - maybe it should be more like a job interview. I doubt I'm scaring anybody off, I'm pretty reserved in person and take a while to open up. I'm also not husband hunting (been there, done that, just ended a 20 year marriage).. I'm in no rush whatsoever to get married anytime soon. I just want to have someone in my life on the same wavelength as me. Just one date doesn't mean anything to me - it's what happens after the first date. Then things might become interesting. I really liked the guy I was dating for a few months, and if I had been desperate I would have compromised and accepted his behavior, but I didn't. I ended it because there were too many things that bugged me. Yes, I would have loved for things to work out between us, because he was only the second guy within a year that I actually clicked with, but it's OK, I'll meet someone again I hope.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 121
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/7/2014 6:47:35 PM
^^^^^^^^^^
I'm the guy that's in a rush for a relationship. Married 3x. I should slow down, huh?

Every time I hear someone complain about a persons credit, drugs, booze or long term debt, I gotta wonder how many shags it took to discover that info.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 122
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Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/7/2014 8:31:13 PM

cherieluvr123 wrote:

Me being from Europe, I gotta say, guys, go to Europe and meet some real women. The women in Italy and Greece and France, Russian, Romanian and all the rest are on average all very pretty sexy and educated women. And they like to date real guys, they are not hooked on guys who look Hollywood. Walk down any street and pretty girls are everywhere. And they are so friendly and sweet. Go to Europe guys.


I've heard this more than quite a few times. Methinks there must be something to it. I spent some time in the far east, and I have to say the women there were much friendlier as a whole, and seemed to take much better care of themselves than many American women. I think Europe is my next stop.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 123
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Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/7/2014 11:41:42 PM

I've heard this more than quite a few times. Methinks there must be something to it. I spent some time in the far east, and I have to say the women there were much friendlier as a whole, and seemed to take much better care of themselves than many American women. I think Europe is my next stop.


I had a really good time when I was in London England. I found most people to be really friendly and met some people that I kept in contact with after I returned to Canada. If you try to learn the language, that's a definite plus to most women. A girl started liking me when I expressed interest in learning Hungarian online. I have a soft spot for Eastern Europe because it's very old school, but Western European countries like Germany and France are great places to meet people.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 124
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/8/2014 6:23:11 AM
Right now my inbox is pretty full with 50+ new messages and I'm not eager at all to set up a date anytime soon. I go for weeks or even months without a date, not because I have no options, but because I'm not in the mood at times.

I've tried to explain to people that it doesn't matter how full your inbox may be - the trouble is not finding ONE person, just ONE single person that you can stay with. Having that list of 'dealbreakers' constantly looming overhead doesn't matter, either - because attraction trumps higher reasoning nine times out of ten.


I just want to have someone in my life on the same wavelength as me. Just one date doesn't mean anything to me - it's what happens after the first date. Then things might become interesting.

Smart evaluation - but part of the harsh reality is too many people think they know their 'wavelength' immediately based on a couple job interview questions and won't even meet the person, or pretty much decide less than five minutes into the first date it's not going to work.


I really liked the guy I was dating for a few months, and if I had been desperate I would have compromised and accepted his behavior, but I didn't. I ended it because there were too many things that bugged me.

Compromising or 'settling' or just agreeing to see someone else again doesn't EVER have to be a sign of "desperation" -it's a sign you want to try. What was the behaviors that 'bugged' you? There's a big difference in relationship material between say, a nose-picker and a guy who's constantly texting other women while on a date.

The best con artists out there are the ones that keep their outward mannerisms as flawless and attractive as possible, yet do all kinds of bad things behind your back. A job interview is NEVER going to reveal any of that crap. That's why people do background checks and lookup Facebook pages and all kinds of other stuff to find out the TRUE identity of who sits across the table from them.

When it comes to those 50 men in your inbox, instead of falling for yet another attractive-looking con man, maybe it's time to give that super-sharp 'picker' a rest and realize that being more and more discriminatory with picking inside those 50 messages doesn't matter so damn much - because the content of their character is NOT clearly shown there. Obviously you don't need to do background checks for every one of 50 men in your inbox, but don't be totally repulsed by a bad hairdo or poor quality photos and realize while not 'technically' perfect on the outside, there might be a perfect match on the inside.

Women can (and are) cons as well, and men should be screening them, too.
 msoptomist
Joined: 11/25/2013
Msg: 125
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/9/2014 11:30:13 AM
Amen, sunshinegal.

I really believe that literally, happiness comes from within. It's about you and life, not about you and your romantic relationships. Thigns tend to fall into place if your contentment factor is maintained by doing what you enjoy in life. If your scope is limited, expand it.
I learned that harsh lesson years ago during my marriage, that I could not rely on my spouse to provide happiness to me. He consequently felt he was a failure because of this. I came to assure him that was not the case, and we both moved on.
The subequent years on my own have taught me that you can and should learn to love YOU and then be that much more lovable and attractive to someone else. Nothing attracts like hope for the future and enjoyment of life. People do get caught up in the romantic thrill and endorphin rush-which I'm wondering may be what is deemed as contentment by some?-but the sorrow when it passes is just...sorrowful.
I wonder, to the poster who posed the question, these good relationships that you feel are what you need to be content-what brought them to an end? Do you believe all relationships may end, good and bad? If that is the case, then you must doubt the staying power of contentment very much. Maybe it really is the case where you are looking for contentment in the relationship instead of in you-and then bringing that "to the table" as they say in the websites. We all have to bring something of true value....maybe contentment lasts longer than all the other things we bring. ??
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