Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Harsh Reality of Dating these days.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 126
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days. Page 6 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

I really believe that literally, happiness comes from within. It's about you and life, not about you and your romantic relationships. Thigns tend to fall into place if your contentment factor is maintained by doing what you enjoy in life. If your scope is limited, expand it.


That's basically the long and the short of it. You can't live your life being outcome-dependent. If someone has to accept you or give you their phone number to make you feel good, you're never really going to be happy. You'll have way more success if you're in a good mood and you make other people feel like they want to be around you. Most of dating success is just based on timing anyway. If you "pull the trigger" and make a move at the right time, you'll have more success. If you space out too long, the person you're interested in might be hanging out with someone else and they won't answer your call because their feelings have changed.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 127
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/10/2014 4:07:54 AM
In this and any other thread where the subject comes up, it looks like we're still associating "being content and happy alone" with "being happy in a relationship or wanting a relationship" too much. Seems we still confuse the two, as if they must mutually exclude each other or directly and strongly affect each other in ways that they don't. And misunderstanding someone's language and meaning when stating how they really like having someone. Sure, as I say, someone must be "complete theirself" before looking for someone to "complete them"...but as long as this is believed to be intrinsic, a barrier against understanding and growth will get in the way.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 128
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/10/2014 7:46:04 AM
^^^Agree with confusing happiness with how it relates to relationships, and how many people think that being single means being miserable, and marriage or a relationship leading to marriage is the only way to feel happy. I've seen a lot of profiles from desperate people who are strictly marriage partner hunting, and telling people to not bother contacting them if they aren't as equally desperate-thinking if they can get someone to walk down the aisle to the altar after a short courtship, this will lead to everlasting happiness. They are in for a rude awakening when reality hits.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 129
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/10/2014 8:43:22 AM
^^^^
I read way more if the opposite. Profiles of people claiming to be so happy and independent...not really needing a relationship. Somewhat of a turn off to me...half in, half out. Looking for a partner but 'not really'. I don't know of people who believe marriage is an end in itself...never met one. 99% of people I know want a loving relationship that may or may not be about marriage.

What I wrote in a posting was that I was not truly content if not in a relationship...that is not the same as being miserable. Life is fine without a partner. But not great. I'm a female and am not afraid to say I 'need' a man in my life to feel great. Others don't need a partner to feel great....good for them. I just fool myself if I say that. I have a great guy and prefer him to anything else that life has to offer. No feeling in the world is as 'great' as being in love...for me. Some might prefer chocolate or a hot bath or new shoes or coffee with the gals better, but not me.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 130
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/10/2014 9:05:51 AM
option #1

and marriage or a relationship leading to marriage is the only way to feel happy.


option #2

What I wrote in a posting was that I was not truly content if not in a relationship...


so the net result is that people are about unhappy as they make up their minds to be.
 Verissa
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 131
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/10/2014 2:52:30 PM
Its hard to anticipate what people are really looking for, at first its easy to feel that you don't want a relationship and you are great just alone, but then you meet someone who says they want all the things that you didn't realize you DO in fact want. And then the battle begins...you have to find the right shade of grey, you cannot be black or white, you cannot be all or nothing. Finding that in between with someone is the hardest part of dating. Not to say you must change who you are, but try to match enthusiasm I suppose, again...difficult.

Dating is a game of chance and circumstance, you have to meet the right person in the right situation at the right time under the right moon...ahhhh! It should be easy, you be yourself and tell things like they are and try to establish commonalities.

With on line dating I find that there are so many options for people who perhaps don't want to 'put all of their eggs in one basket' at a time; you see good in this person, that person has the looks you find attractive, this person has time, that person doesn't...oh my. My head reels. I'm a one at a time kind of person, I meet someone I like I see where that goes, if there is no prospect after I have exhausted all of my resources and really made an effort to get to know them as people, well then I guess it's not going to work and I move on. Or at least that is how dating has always worked for me. On here, and other sites I imagine, it's more like a smorgasbord and people seem to like to pick a little from here and there...never really making/taking the time to really investigate anyone and make a real legitimate connection before moving on to the next prospect. The reality is a lot of people claiming to be looking for 'the one' may be at this moment, past tense or future tense, be passing by a person who can fulfill that position and probably are completely oblivious to it. We sit around thinking 'poor me', "nice guys/girls finish last' bla bla bla, when we are the ones making the decision to pass someone by without making effort to really see them. Very depressing indeed.

My advice, explore potential options one at a time. Make a true effort to be real. Put all of your eggs in a basket and see how well it holds, if it breaks then buy a new basket but at least you know the load it can stand.
 TheChicagoKid1985
Joined: 11/20/2013
Msg: 132
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/10/2014 10:30:24 PM

There is a harsh reality my counselor brought to my attention yesterday. He had been hinting at it for months. However, when I gave him the POF forums website, he said he was stunned at how angry and bitter towards each other we were. It was like he said that we were just blaming each other for personal things. So his harsh reality to me you might ask? Well he said, you are single because of you, not anyone else. I didn’t get it at first, but I had known all along he was right.
The truth that most people don’t want to admit to ourselves is that we are single because of who we are. It is not some woman’s fault that they don’t like me for their own reasons. Also, I have my own preferences too that limits my choices of a mate. So all in all, it is because of ME that I am single. I can no more change who I am for a woman as they could change for me. Women don’t like me because of my height, weight, color, attitude, sense of humor, religious background, transportation, job, location, eating habits, exercise regimen, parental status, work habits, & a host of other things. He went on to list about 20 things making me feel awesome at the end. (Sarcasm) We are all judged by those factors to the gender that we want in our lives. I can no more blame a woman for saying I am not interested in you because of {insert reason here} than I can be for being {use that same reason}.

It also goes back to what we want. My counselor noted that I tend to sway my attraction to someone intelligent, savvy, and engaging. So that is MY limitation. Are there women that don’t fit that bill? Yes, and I probably would have a harder time being fully attracted to them on a deeper level. So the harsh reality is that I COULD date someone that didn’t fit my criteria, but of course I haven’t done that as I would have left POF months ago.

If we REALLY wanted to, we could date the first person who contacts us here because you have one thing in common. You are both single. However, we look at a picture, read a few words and then make snap judgments on those things. When we do contact each other, we are judged the same way. No wonder why some of us are bitter because we do make contact and then we are judged “unworthy” by someone who doesn’t want to get to know us. Cause we are all awesome right? (more sarcasm)

The point to all of this is that in dating, there is a harsh reality that no one may want us because of who we are. That goes true to the fact that may not click with some people because of who they are. So instead of being all upset about it, just go with the flow. Don’t finger point at each other because the harsh reality is that WE are the reason we are single.


To some extent I know that it is my lack an outside social life and dislike of being around events where large throngs of people gather that adds to my current status of being single(but yet I have this attitude due to alot of negative interactions I have had with other people since childhood).

To the contrary,if you dont think that online dating is judged primarily by looks do your self a favor.Get one of your handsome freinds to agree to do an experiment with you.

Have them make a dating account with their pics and you with yours on seperate laptops.Switch places with the freind so that they are in front of your profile and you infront of theirs.

Then both of you message the same exact person the way you would from opposite profiles and see what happens.

Perhaps its because im from a younger more immature generation but from experience with this science project I can tell you I got 5 times the amount of hits on my freinds profile than on my own and while he was able to use his "charm" to roust a couple more responses than my profile usually gets his personality through that screen with my face didnt mean sh**! LoL

People are in denial when they say its not just the looks.
Usually the more attractive the person your messaging ,thats ALL it boils down too.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 133
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/11/2014 3:22:23 AM
maleman999...I think you mis-read my post. In fact, part of what my post was about is the misinterpretation of people's meanings that you demonstrate in your reponse to it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 134
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/11/2014 8:30:59 AM

To some extent I know that it is my lack an outside social life and dislike of being around events where large throngs of people gather that adds to my current status of being single(but yet I have this attitude due to alot of negative interactions I have had with other people since childhood).

To the contrary,if you dont think that online dating is judged primarily by looks do your self a favor.Get one of your handsome freinds to agree to do an experiment with you.

Have them make a dating account with their pics and you with yours on seperate laptops.Switch places with the freind so that they are in front of your profile and you infront of theirs.

Then both of you message the same exact person the way you would from opposite profiles and see what happens.

Perhaps its because im from a younger more immature generation but from experience with this science project I can tell you I got 5 times the amount of hits on my freinds profile than on my own and while he was able to use his "charm" to roust a couple more responses than my profile usually gets his personality through that screen with my face didnt mean sh**! LoL

People are in denial when they say its not just the looks.
Usually the more attractive the person your messaging ,thats ALL it boils down too.

Do people care this much about this and/or have this kind of free time? All this tells me is too much importance is being placed on dating here, and in fact dating in general. There's a lot more to life that worrying about this.
 cherieluvr123
Joined: 2/23/2014
Msg: 135
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/12/2014 1:32:52 PM
Well its called a forum because you are supposed to vent and share thoughts about topics. Obviously you have to care somewhat otherwise you would not be on a dating site in the first place.
I'm just here to point out just how out of touch with reality most of the people on here are. Of course it's no sweat that the prison guard women are not interested, (thank God), my point is that their expectations or the level that they have set their bar is ridiculous. Is there anything wrong with that? No, just as there is nothing wrong of dreaming and daydreaming. They can dream all they want. It's just the atmosphere that has been set on here. The stupidity and thinking with heads in the cloud. The things one encounters on here makes you wonder just how guillable women are when it comes to attractive guys.

Someone answer me this. How can a woman, who I found to be quite attractive and intelligent, how can such a woman say she me a guy she likes and he lives in another state. Plus she has not met him in person. In asking she said she likes the way he treats her. What the heck are you supposed to make out of that. How can you possibly treat anyone online or on the phone that makes a woman fall for you when she has not even seen you in person? Listen, I can get some pictures of some model type guy, put up a bogus profile and claim to be filthy rich and hit on women in other states. I can bullshit my way into getting her to really like me, yet all along I'd be a fraud. The 2nd part of my dilemna, is why on earth would a guy write to a woman in another state, and try to get her to move to where he is at? I mean if a guy is that good a catch that a woman would be willing to move for him then why is he not having luck where he lives. There are so many angles to this story that are so wrong.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 136
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/12/2014 1:39:16 PM

I can bullshit my way into getting her to really like me, yet all along I'd be a fraud. The 2nd part of my dilemna, is why on earth would a guy write to a woman in another state, and try to get her to move to where he is at? I mean if a guy is that good a catch that a woman would be willing to move for him then why is he not having luck where he lives. There are so many angles to this story that are so wrong.


And there are so many angles to that story that have been successful with some people. I am not for long distance, but I know a few people that started that way. A lady met an Australian guy and another met a Kiwi. They eventually married and moved to the States. So depending on the person, it can work.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 137
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/13/2014 8:29:18 PM

Well its called a forum because you are supposed to vent and share thoughts about topics. Obviously you have to care somewhat otherwise you would not be on a dating site in the first place.

1. I wasn't addressing you personally, but your response seems to be defensive. This proves my point about caring too much about this. It's one thing to discuss, it's another to whine.

2. I didn't say you can't care at all, my point was that many people place too much importance on it. Moreso than themselves or other aspects of their lives, they continually seek out their other half. No outcome can measure up to those expectations.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 138
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/14/2014 6:39:55 AM
Someone answer me this. How can a woman, who I found to be quite attractive and intelligent, how can such a woman say she me a guy she likes and he lives in another state. Plus she has not met him in person. In asking she said she likes the way he treats her. What the heck are you supposed to make out of that.

looks like your assessment of her intelligence is in itself sorely lacking. she was already unrealistic. don't blame her for your own failure to be more objective.


How can you possibly treat anyone online or on the phone that makes a woman fall for you when she has not even seen you in person?

the same way American men pick Russian brides off a website based solely on their appearance and their willingness to keep the conversation going. you just got through having a wild hair about prison guard women and their unrealistic expectations, so why can't other women fall for someone they've never met? just because you think a woman is attractive, that doesn't mean her expectations are going to be realistic.
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 139
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/14/2014 8:11:11 AM
Prison guard women??
Maybe he used the right words, without resorting to BS.
Off to iron my Warden shirt
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 140
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/14/2014 8:24:16 AM

just because you think a woman is attractive, that doesn't mean her expectations are going to be realistic.

I think the fixation is that they are 'unrealistic' because they are not attracted to the complainer. Because, of course, all the people in here that don't get picked are completely normal, healthy, and grounded without ANY unreal expectations of their own. (note; that was sarcasm)
 kathy1008
Joined: 11/16/2013
Msg: 141
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/15/2014 3:05:34 AM
I often think people confuse wanting "love" with "getting a piece" ESPECIALLY MEN. Sorry, guys, but I don't appreciate SOME men saying they want companionship and love when the above is all they want. They are so intent on finding "just the right woman" that the good women are tossed off like an old shoe. If people want others to be perfect, take a look in the mirror! YOU aren't perfect.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 142
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/15/2014 8:26:07 AM

They are so intent on finding "just the right woman" that the good women are tossed off like an old shoe. If people want others to be perfect, take a look in the mirror! YOU aren't perfect.


This attitude is not gender specific. There are just as many women who demand total perfection in a guy who are not anywhere perfect themselves.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 143
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/15/2014 10:05:54 AM
Seems a few are searching for their ex's and have the mentality that someone has to be greater then or equal to their ex (i.e. wealth, attraction, etc.) to measure up.

These are the individuals that'll 'pre qualify' themselves to you with statements like 'My ex's were pilots or attorneys' or 'My ex was hot' or some other nonsense.

You know, this is what they're capable of attracting. Hmm, yeah, sure, that's why those ex's cheated on you , right?
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 144
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/15/2014 2:00:55 PM
^ How about "I can't respect any man who isn't at least as good as my father in such-and-such ways"?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 145
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/15/2014 2:54:32 PM

^ How about "I can't respect any man who isn't at least as good as my father in such-and-such ways"?

That's a great formula for women who have fathers present and involved in a healthy way in the household - not so much for women who's fathers were absentee/deadbeat/dead/abusive...etc.etc

My father wasn't in the picture, my grandfather died when I was about 5. Therefore I strive to be sure I can take care of myself without a guy in the picture, guys that come along are nice but not required - because my mom and other female relatives did what they did mostly without any help, and my grandfather who I was very attached to as a child "left" - explain death to a five year old. No need to get any further into it, just a detailed example. Direct result of my childhood.

Granted, you need to work with what you have and improve yourself, but not everyone starts out with a good father (and/or mother) figure.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 146
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/15/2014 3:13:12 PM
^^^^subshinegal. So true.

I don't have women friends who seek any type of perfection. I work with about 30 women on our ward....most single. All comes down to the same thing...they want a man who is responsible, respectful. The best compliment when we meet one if their new boyfriends is 'he seems nice'. Never heard any comment about looks, wealth, etc. If one of the Filipino aides meets a man who she thinks will be a good father...he is instant gold. He could have 3 eyes. Everyone has their own requirements. A guy being perfect just isn't one of them.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 147
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/15/2014 11:46:45 PM
Oh, I know all about the women searching for that father figure! My ex was a party girl who couldn't find a party guy to commit.

She meets me, the stable, dependable and boring FATHER figure.

Guess what? She still yearned for those party boys! Oh well:)
 thundercatny
Joined: 8/23/2011
Msg: 148
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/16/2014 7:36:54 AM
I agree, i started to notice that my failures came from the choices of women i have made - and the behavior i exhibited to the "good" women i have dated (because of the experiences from the bad choices). I also notice some patterns in my behavior that are unattractive.

But, i notice men are tasked more with controlling their behavior more so than women. We cant be insecure or cold, it will mark us as a player or desperate- all weak traits that the majority of women dictate are unattractive traits.

Some people go so far as to disguise their faults, or compensate with their better traits: and this is the reason we have "game" and "rules" when it comes to dating (dont call so soon, dont sleep with them too fast, dont mention your ex, play it cool).
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 149
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/16/2014 5:19:21 PM

I don't have women friends who seek any type of perfection.


Other people's mileage may vary. And certainly does.


Everyone has their own requirements. A guy being perfect just isn't one of them.


I have read literally thousands of women's profiles over the years. I have yet to see any woman request, "short, dark, and handsome" or "tall, dark, and ugly" or "short, dark, and plain looking", or any combination thereof. I have, however, seen plenty of the stereotypical, "tall, dark, and handsome", along with various comments about "successful" (read-money), "fit", "athletic", "charming", etc. which, when put all together, sounds like the "perfect" human being. Of course, I live in the greater Los Angeles area, birthplace of Barbie and Ken, which may have something to do with that.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 150
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 3/17/2014 2:39:22 AM
^ Having some discriminating preferences isn't the same as requiring perfection.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Harsh Reality of Dating these days.