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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends      Home login  
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 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 26
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friendsPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Sorry for you. Blows to drop your guard only to feel kicked in the stomach. Best for you not to be his back up plan & cut all ties. That in itself, knowing you'd be his 2nd choice if it happened, would be tough to swallow anyway. Plus who's to say she won't bug out a few months & then come back again. Sorry again but your old enough to know that you were most likely his rebound anyway after only 4 months out of a 4 year relationship.
 Happy_gal2013
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 27
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 3:53:06 PM
Magestic +1
[Well OP, I was the guy in that situation once. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING you can hang on to in this. You can be a 10X better person than she is (in my case she was) and he will still pick her every time. There is nothing in this for you. Cut it off completely. I realize that I am recommending that you put yourself through tremendous anguish but by doing it you avoid unendurable humiliation and unquenchable yearning. Give yourself a chance to find someone else that puts you first.]

I agree with majestic on this one. There is nothing in this friendship offer to benifit you in the least. The only reason for this would be is to become his backup girl. There is no future in that. I'm sorry and I wish you well.
 KatarzynaLuiza
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 28
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 4:01:26 PM
U r not his second best or no one else for that matter. Absolutely show him the door or even better hold it open for him. Although its hard to belive at This point u can find someone who will pick u first n keep u first. Absolutely cut all contact keep ur face n move one - even I it's hard n it kills u inside I get better with time I promise. Cheer up :)
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 29
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 4:14:14 PM
We could talk this to death....
but at the end of the day I believe you will be best served to cut contact with him.
Now, there is nothing wrong with being civil should you and he happen to cross paths-but nothing more than that.
I don't care if he walks on his lips thru broken glass to tell you he "screwed up" by going back to the ex. I've seen people of both genders use a strategy of always having someone "in the back pocket"...and even use the existence of that "back pocket" person as a means of manipulation.
This sounds like a CLASSIC case of that sort of mess.
Wish him the best of luck, no hard feelings, but that you are not interested in being Plan B. And stick to that.
Cindy O
 Vesta_ceres
Joined: 4/5/2013
Msg: 30
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 4:18:29 PM
What his ex-lady does or thinks is relevant, so be don't be impertinent by pretending to know her reasons for doing what she does. Take care of yourself and don't become involved with _her_ ex, in any way shape or form.

By the way, I don't know from where you are, but these days, a woman has the option to retain her last name. Heck, even when I got married in South Africa, I had the decision to keep my father's surname which I was happy to relinquish for my husband's. And this was in Y2K.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 31
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He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 4:23:54 PM
This is a tragedy to say the least, and I think this is totally BS, and agree with you.

I will be honest though, I wouldn't want to be this man's friendship after starting something with me, and both of us falling in love (on his part supposedly), and then him taking his ex back. To me this sounds like a man that doesn't make sound and precise decisions, and If I was in your shoes I would be feeling a little used and taken advantage of....

I'd tell him to go pound salt, period.

He's got a new thing with you and he's blowing it. What a dumb arse.

Some people are just morons.

You deserve better, don't lower yourself to his BS standards.

Tell him bye, bye... unless he gets rid of her, I'd have nothing to do with him, period.

That's what you should do, don't give him the satisfactions of having you both. BS!

Gawd, indecisive people are so full of crap!

Now I need a beer!

Walk away, there is someone else out there for you who won't suck you in, lie to you and then pull you back when it's convenient! This behavior pisses me off! Can you tell? lol... he's a loser because he's not man enough to leave things as they are, and not go back to pick up something that had ended, and then started something and not finishing it in a moral and dignified way.
Jan
 moonchildmn
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 32
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 4:37:58 PM
Take your power back.

There's nothing to discuss. When a man tells you what he wants, believe him. He wants his ex back and she's coming back -for now.

People ask to be friends when they break up because they don't want to be perceived as a**holes, especially when they know they are going to hurt someone-you'll just be his pity friend, yuk.

Cut all contact (forever) and don't be his friend. And for the love of Pete, don't date right now. You're emotionally unavailable yourself. Don't use the company of a man who might be honestly looking for love, you're just going to mess him up too. Take some time away from dating and heal your heart. When you start to second guess yourself, remember how bad he is making you feel right this moment. Good luck!
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 33
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 4:44:55 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

+1 - moonchild.......I couldn't have said that better myself! I like the way you think!
 warmsmiles56
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 34
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 5:07:35 PM
It's sad for you (althought I'm thinking you've dodged a bullet), but out of your control. No point at all being friends. Learn from this - guys with "ex" issues, especially fresh ex issues, are probably to be avoided until they've had time to adjust. You should cut off all contact - and that's even if he bounces back (to you). He's missed his chance and you are moving on to better things.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 35
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 5:38:52 PM
Friends equals back burner. Why would you want that?
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 36
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He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 7:32:10 PM
"Friends" = FWB. That's what he wants. Do you deserve better than that? Cut it off completely. The ex was never an ex.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 37
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He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 7:41:22 PM
OP, you simply need a refresher of the rules:

Rule number 1: No such thing as "just friends" between a man and a woman where at least one is sexually attracted to the other.

Rule number 2: First learn rule number 1.

Now that we have refreshed the rules, I believe you can make an informed decision as to what is best for you.
 Space_Weaver
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 38
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 8:03:16 PM
"When you start to second guess yourself, remember how bad he is making you feel right this moment."

Moonchild totally hit it with just this sentence. +1.
 marilynh77
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 39
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 8:44:57 PM
Omg! Hell NO! lol
Kick him to the side! Do not remain friends, it doesn't work! He chooses his ex over you. Girl, move on!!! It's hard to cut the cord but in the long run, you'll be OK. Been there, done that and no not a good idea to stay friends. You must be crazy! They all are always nice. Say good bye and move on! A REAL man will be so worthy!
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 40
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He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:22:59 PM

Input welcome.


No. Just no.

Walk away.

It is one thing to break up and remain on friendly terms so you can continue dating other people. But for him to go back with his ex while wanting remain with you as a friend is pretty much slimy.
 theanswerguy2
Joined: 4/3/2013
Msg: 41
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:33:05 PM

I recently started dating a wonderful man.



He met me during the first 2-3 days of having his profile up. We became exclusive right away and started a sexual relationship. A week later he said that although they had not been in touch at all that she had called him and wanted to move back because she missed him and that it was just something he had to do even though it was very hard for him and he was unhappy about it because he was falling in love with me



The whole thing sucks.


I find it amazing that you still refer to such a lying player as "wonderful".
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 42
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/29/2013 4:56:43 AM
There was no chance of them ever getting back together


Do you want to be friends with someone who lies to you,leads you on,and then bails on you.but wants to string you along "in case" as he no doubt did with his "ex girlfriend"?

Yeah RIGHT they hadn't been in contact while you were sleeping with him!!!

I don't believe his version of events and you should turn the tables on him,as he did to you.


I think it would be healthiest but hardest in the short run to cut contact. However, in the long run it would probably serve me better.


It would be best in the long and short run for you to cut all contact with him.Leave them to thier drama!

And don't let the great sex shadow his lies.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 43
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/29/2013 7:21:33 AM
Oh the dreaded "friend card". This is just a nice little way of not being the bad guy. He gets to keep you in his life in case she dumps him again or he gets to avoid the whole I am a bad guy for doing this.

What is in that for you?

Nothing but heartbreak I would guess.

I say move on and away. Close that book entirely so you can be free to find someone who is devoted to you without reservation, JMHO
 baitandtackle1
Joined: 4/22/2013
Msg: 44
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/30/2013 12:53:54 AM
Don't waist any valuable time with this player..instead use it to build up your self esteem, enough said
 80sBaaaybeee
Joined: 3/16/2012
Msg: 45
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 5/1/2013 8:25:49 AM
Thank you for all the thoughtful input. I really do appreciate it and it's helped me come to terms with his (and what is probably also my) major malfunction.

And I finally got my answer.

He called me Monday. First said he said we could be friends and his (ex) gf wouldn't mind. Then said he was having second thoughts about going back to her in the same conversation. These two totally different points within a 30 minute conversation just pissed me off. I told him, I'm on my way out. This is not okay and you are treating me like I don't have any feelings at all.

Then on Tuesday night we were texting and he wouldn't answer some serious questions and instead, started sexting me. I said, what's a taken man doing sexting me if we can no longer be intimate. He then said he wasn't sexting me and disappeared.

So, this morning, I sent him this text: When you get the card I sent, don't open it. Just throw it away. It was based on mutual feelings I thought you had but I understand I was wrong about you now. Your behavior is not the behavior of the caring communicative man you claim to be. I'm not a toy to be used for sick head games. I won't beg any man to choose me regardless of the possible potential I used to see or be treated as just an option. The man I'm looking for would prove himself in his actions, treat my trust as a valuable commodity and go out of his way to win my heart instead of treating me like an option. I'm out of this game, erasing your info from my phone and won't send or respond to further communication.

His response: I understand Luv.

Yeah, the "Luv" was so he could keep the door open. Whatever. I deleted him from my phone. @sswipe.

Just so you know, I usually hang far back from getting involved right away. I have dated several men from POF and with the vast majority of them, I didn't get emotionally invested even at the 3-4 date mark. When they went away, I was happy about it. And the one I've been a bit more serious with, it took months to sleep with him, not because I didn't like them but because I was getting to know him and wanted to not be totally emotionally invested too soon. He has proved to be a good friend and ally. I usually don't fall in love or infatuation easily. This guy was a perfect storm for me, that's for sure. It's really eff'd me up.

But the good news is that I'm D.O.N.E.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 46
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 5/1/2013 8:59:20 AM
Thanks for letting us know, 80sBaaaybeee, and good for you for severing ties!
 that_ol_lady
Joined: 4/19/2013
Msg: 47
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 5/1/2013 10:05:40 AM
Ive had that game played with me before it is a game of toying with a persons emotions all the while they are enjoying going back an forth an see you as a leaning crutch just in case or in some cases if he is mad at her 1 day its all about trying to be with you an the next its hes distant an all about her its a case of bulls hit no matter how you flip it an if the person in question was having it done to them they would be flipping out because its so not fair although they think its ok to play that game with others..

he avoided your serious questions on purpose an started the sexting in hopes you would drop it an maybe drop your panties for him you see he vanished as soon as you called him on it..

im sure he is playing the same emotional games with her,,these types always try an come back around once things arent as great as they thought it would be with the other woman or like i said he becomes mad with her..even though it is a good thing for you to cut ties with him,,trust with those types they always try an worm thier way back in with some lame exscuse or fake "luvy" dovey words as if nothing has ever happened an then the process starts all over..
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 48
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He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 5/1/2013 12:43:30 PM
I am happy that you got your power back. It was hard and it won't get any easier when he tries to contact you, because he will....

Just stay grounded, and if you can get your number changed, it will be for the better.

I'm proud of you!
Don't hang on to the feelings... let go and everything will be ok.
Take Care, and look at a better future for YOU!
Jan
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 49
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 5/1/2013 1:03:29 PM

His response: I understand Luv


Personally, I could be friends with someone and JUST date; however, this guy really just sounds like a "player" and this ^^ statement sounds like he's done this before and it's no big deal to him that you are frustrated with his behavior.

I hope you find a much nicer guy than this.
 80sBaaaybeee
Joined: 3/16/2012
Msg: 50
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 5/1/2013 1:10:41 PM
Thanks Jan! I'm not changing my number for some dumb man who couldn't figure out his issue, and was probably lying the whole time anyway. And with all the practice I have with exes trying to come back (they ALWAYS do), I'm an old pro at rejecting them when they do - I've had 2 try that in the last 6 months. Although the sex was Really Hot. That's the only thing I'll miss. If that's what I wanted though, I've got candidates for that lined up down the block. Once I reached the Pissed Off Zone, I'm done. And it takes me far less time than when I was much younger to reach the Pissed Off Zone. Thankfully.
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