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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Friendship question which may shed light on my love life      Home login  
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 dobbie101
Joined: 1/24/2011
Msg: 19
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Friendship question which may shed light on my love lifePage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Rude and sarcastic...Really?
Your post is is neither likeable nor unlikeable. You display your angst to all and sundry and their underwear and then you want your "I" stroked. Well...stroke ...stroke...
Oh shiiiiii
here I go again..poof.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 20
Friendship question which may shed light on my love life
Posted: 5/2/2013 7:41:46 AM

OP have you tried to join any clubs? or start a study group...


That’s what my daughter did and its working- she’s a bit older than most students at the school she just transferred to. She organized a study group at the beginning of her first real class in her intended major and she’s made a friend based on their common interest and seriousness about their work. Another idea is to work or volunteer in your department, where you’ll meet and interact with people with similar interests and get to know professors and grad students as well as other undergrad students.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 21
Friendship question which may shed light on my love life
Posted: 5/2/2013 9:09:54 AM
Stage two of my undergrad experience was much like yours: I lived off campus and commuted, and I was in my late twenties (as well as had young kids). Didn't make many friends with the other students. I did however have other friends which lasted over the back to school frolics. In grad school, it was different, I was single, and although I was still pretty much ten years older, I had time. And used it to hang around school. I also began giving parties at home. I still have friendships that are active which were formed during that period.

But, OPie, what your post reminded me of is a girl I knew during grad school. She was gorgeous, bright, funny, and not in her own mind unkind. And was the most totally negative human being I've ever known. She lasted about six months in my life, and about five years in her husband's. Everyone else also ran. I tried as did several others that I know of to talk to her about her attitude, and we all got a "Yes, but. . . ." I don't know if she ever found a therapist or not. I hope so. A very good one.

Good luck.
 peaceful_garden
Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 22
Friendship question which may shed light on my love life
Posted: 5/2/2013 1:35:42 PM
Thanks for the replies. Just to expand on something. I have always maintained my friendships but it was one sided me doing the maintaining not my friends. I do take an interest in people and seek to nuture the friendships I build. I never lead a potential frind on and then reject them or not maintain friendships. I do. That's what is annoying and disheartening. I make the effort and keep at it and the other person does nothing.


You are constantly running this incorrect self-defeating program in your head to the point where you believe you are not going to have any friends and the end result is you have no friends. Stop it! Everyone is more than capable of having good friends including YOU.

You need pick up some self-help books and see another therapist ASAP. Here's a mantra for you to say out loud or in your head everytime you think incorrect thoughts:

"As a child of God(or Great Spirit or whatever label you like) it is my divine right to live a good life with close friends."

If you have no connection to a higher power you can find a suitable message to say to relace the negative incorrect one.

Also some areas where I lived or worked etc...I did not make many friends. But in general I do quite well. That uni may just be one of those places for you so try to make friends somewhere else for a while.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 23
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Friendship question which may shed light on my love life
Posted: 5/2/2013 8:15:36 PM
OP, I'm in the same boat. Have gone to 3 different psychologists over my lifetime, and all are baffled as to why I can't get a date. If you get it figured out, let me know so we'll both know.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 24
Friendship question which may shed light on my love life
Posted: 5/2/2013 11:02:56 PM

Just to expand on something

You aren't really expanding all that much.
The devil is in the details and you don't really offer them.
Just room for more speculation.

Like

I have always maintained my friendships but it was one sided me doing the maintaining not my friends.

Without details that can range from your friends thinking you are clingy, needy, and stalkerish, to you being too distant like if you call them up and say "I am just calling because I want to maintain this relationship. So. How. are. you. We should spend some quality time for this relationship." Basically treating it like an experiment rather than a relationship.


I make the effort and keep at it and the other person does nothing.

When I read this I am reminded of a few profiles I've read where they've written something like "I've cooked for a man, cleaned for a man, and gave my all to a man, only to be rejected or hurt, now it's my turn."

I know people tend to run or drift away from relationships that simply become transaction based, if you start feeling entitled to some behavior from them simply because you put the expectation of social obligation fulfillment upon them.

One thing I forgot to bloviate about in my first post and other posters seem to experience is:

I have seen a counsellor/therapist who is as baffled as me.

I've known a lot of people that treat psychologists and councilors like what makes the forums fun and what a lot, or most, posters do.
No matter what the "professional" comes up with the "patient" comes up with a reason why it couldn't be true, picking things apart just to be contrarian, even though it might be perfectly true for them they simply don't want it to be, it doesn't mesh with their self image.
Of course some "professionals" simply don't know what they are doing.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 25
Friendship question which may shed light on my love life
Posted: 5/3/2013 4:12:15 AM
I have seen a counsellor/therapist who is as baffled as me.

Of course, some counselors/therapists will eventually say that when it's become obvious their client/patient is too thick to accept anything resembling advice or constructive criticism. "Wow, I'm really baffled here. I'm as baffled as you are." Translation: You're a malingerer. Stop wasting my valuable time. I have other people who actually want to be helped.
 Just___Jim
Joined: 10/21/2012
Msg: 26
Friendship question which may shed light on my love life
Posted: 5/3/2013 4:39:17 PM

Based on the very small piece of information you have provided, it would appear you have a fear of rejection and your response to this is to unconsciously sabotage relationships/friendships and thus avoid this fear that they will let you down etc. In other words, you take the chance off them to do it before you give it too them. Classical defensive human response.


And based on what you said Bold S you are prob right as most here to express their new beginnings etc or their past blaa blaa's.. are in the transitition mode [stuck]till either the fat lady sings or have the mojo out of the repair shop soon.

As we all been there at one time.......cheers
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