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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What's with this "Take Time To Heal" advice?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 17
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What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
StrayCat...that's unfair. He swore to me up and down that there was nobody else. He wouldn't do that to me because we live in such a small town and he has too much respect for me. She is just a friend; an "ear" if you will when he didn't have anyone to talk to. So you are being unkind and jumping to conclusions. That they met thru an online dating site 6 months before he told me he was unhappy doesn't mean he was lining her up before getting rid of the old one. That he announced their engagement on FB before our divorce was final means nothing because you know he has too much respect for me and. Really, you are too cynical and need to have more faith in people!
Shame, shame on you!
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 18
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/7/2013 8:51:11 AM
OP, your first mistake is comparing losing a spouse/mate to losing 'things'.

I have lost 'things'...and yes, I re built, and as aweful as it was re building what was lost, the entire time you know what got me through? At least I still have my family/son/loved ones. You cannot compare these two things.

To me is is very immature to think a person can just be replaced overnight with no impact.

I have seen people run into a new relationship days within the other one ending, only to find themselves in exactly the same pickle years later...wanting out and looking for someone new again, so dont tell me rushing out and getting someone new is a good solution-it only puts off the unavoidable-self reflection-what role did I play in these issues etc...which absolutely needs to be done before jumping right back into a new relationship....unless you want to be on some hamster wheel for life always running from one short lived fling to another, breaking hearts all along the way. Not my cuppa though. I have a high regard for my impact to other hearts and that is how I carry myself daily.
 monocryl
Joined: 3/4/2013
Msg: 19
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/7/2013 10:57:25 AM

Some folks try to line up a replacement
before the last one is even gone.

Or, in this case, start the "healing process" before the house burns down.
 MsMaggieMay
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 20
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/7/2013 2:03:13 PM
Let me put it a better way. If you broke your leg would you try to go running on it the next day? Why do you place so little value on a broken heart.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 21
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 9:37:42 AM
(Msg. #17. Michael7482) That is having your cake and eating it too. So your not having sex with your wife? Your still getting something on the side by seeing someone else to fulfill your intimacy needs.


I think it refers to someone who is getting sex at home and on the side.


For better or worse remember?


I look at that as dealing with misfortune. If my wife had an untreatable condition that would be different. To imply one can be as miserable and ****y and/or violent as they wish and the partner is supposed to accept it….that doesn’t make sense.


Unless you don't believe in monogamy which seems to be the case.


Monogamy:
1. marriage with only one person at a time. Compare bigamy, polygamy.
2. Zoology . the practice of having only one mate.
3. the practice of marrying only once during life.

1. I’m only married to one person.
2. If my partner isn’t mating with me she isn’t my mate. Or, if mate means the person with whom one lives and not the actual physical mating then the other woman isn’t my mate. In either case I have only one mate.
3. You might have caught me on number 3. This is my second marriage.


(Msg. #18. SaharaM) You seem to be confusing "intimacy" with physical gratification.


When one wants to be held is that seeking physical gratification? When giving one a hug do you consider that physical gratification? Is “pillow talk” physical gratification?


Your "intimacy" with another woman will not resolve resentments in your marriage, it will simply shift them. Given your original post, it's not surprising that you don't recogize this.


The resentment I was starting to feel has faded away. If I didn’t do something it would have eventually destroyed the marriage.


One can only hope that your wife finds someone with whom she can share intimacy and have a reciprocal loving relationship. That would be ok with you, right?


I asked her last summer that considering she wasn’t interested in having sex would she like to divorce. She emphatically said, “No!” When I asked her if she had any sexual feelings towards any other man she replied, “Are you crazy? No!” Just the other day she said she has never been happier in her life. She wouldn’t have said that if she was missing intimacy.

I wrote quite a bit more but decided not to include it. Basically, it was asking why people think my wife feels the same way I do, that she is also missing intimacy or would like to have sex with others. Obviously, she doesn’t. If she did then she would have broached the subject. If she did and it was that important to her she would seek it outside the marriage or end the marriage.


(Msg. #19. Hotmerlot) When your wife finds out that you are on 'hole patrol', she may very well burn down the house and take your car and replace you with a more suitable romantic partner to ease her through her depression.


Hole patrol? LOL First time I heard that. As for my car she just bought herself a luxury SUV last November so she sure doesn’t want my car.


(Msg. #21. WomanInProgress) Because one doesn't need a relationship to survive. All emotional well being and mental stability should come from within, not from being with someone else. While it's nice to have someone else, it shouldn't be someone's job to make us happy.


It’s not a case of one making another happy. It’s about life’s fulfillment. Like some people who can’t have children and decide to adopt. Try to tell them emotional fulfillment should come from within and they don’t need children.

Some people don’t care if they are in a relationship or not. Would you think a person would make a good parent if they said they really didn’t care if they had children? The same applies to a partner. If I met someone who didn’t care if they were in a relationship they wouldn’t be the person for me.


(Msg. #24. To me it is very immature to think a person can just be replaced overnight with no impact.


Dating isn’t replacing a person. There’s no reason not to date. Usually we know what we want as we go through life. I don’t see it as a situation where a partner leaves and the other person snaps out of a deep sleep and tries to figure out what they want. At least not with me. Also, my “want list” isn’t all that long. I don’t expect my partner to fulfill every need I have. She is my lover not my golfing partner or political debate buddy or the multitude of things others seem to require.

When I see a long list I’m not interested in the person. Anything on that list can be lost and then what happens? Plus, people change. What happens then? Maybe at 25 they both like paint ball. I doubt they will at 50. Are both expected to change in the exact same way and end up liking the same different activity?


so dont tell me rushing out and getting someone new is a good solution-it only puts off the unavoidable-self reflection-what role did I play in these issues etc...which absolutely needs to be done before jumping right back into a new relationship....


How could you possibly not know what roll you played? You played it every day. You were there. I really don’t understand your point. It’s fine for reflection as far as having not seen the breakup coming and not realizing how important something was to your partner but how long does that take? And, besides, who is to say the next person puts the same importance on what may have been the reason your partner left?

There are things my partner and I do together and there are things I do with other people or do alone. There isn’t any particular thing that would cause a breakup. Maybe, maybe there is something I really want my partner to do with me but it would be a one shot deal. Maybe see a concert/show where she can’t stand the performer but accompanies me as I have done for her.

When I see people write they grew apart I’m trying to figure out exactly what they mean. Either the desire for each other is there or it isn’t. Has one changed political views? Where have they grown apart? One wants to sell the house and travel the world? I can see that being a problem if the other is a homebody. LOL What could possibly divide two people who are physically/sexually attracted to each other and are decent roommates?


(Msg. #25. Monocryl) Or, in this case, start the "healing process" before the house burns down.


I assume you’re referring to my special “friend”. There’s no healing process going on. I’m trying to save a marriage. I assure you my friend is not interested in me on a full time basis.


(MSg. #26. MsMaggieMay) Let me put it a better way. If you broke your leg would you try to go running on it the next day? Why do you place so little value on a broken heart.


Would you stay home and never go out because you had a cast on your leg? Not only is the leg painful but you also are suffering from a lack of company for no reason. Why make the situation worse?

A broken heart does not mean one has to further torture themselves. If you used to go to a movie with your partner why not go with someone else? If you used to go out for dinner and have a conversation why not have dinner with someone with whom you have a mutual interest?

In many cases one finds the sun did not shine out their partner’s backside. But, again, it all comes down to what you demand from a partner. As soon as one is old enough to know they and others change what really is important? For me, it’s having a decent roommate and lots of intimacy/sex. Everything else is a bonus and whatever is missing can be easily found elsewhere. For example, if one is into social causes and wants to discuss it they can join a group and talk all they want. Of it they like golfing they can find a golf partner. Are we to expect our lover to be everything?

This has just come about since the equality between men and women. Now that it’s acceptable for both sexes to do the same thing people are seeking a “buddy” instead of a lover. Throughout history men and women did different things. Ones lover wasn’t expected to be their partner’s buddy/pal/sidekick. The problem, as I see it, is people put too much emphasis on the buddy aspect at the detriment of the lover aspect. Do we want a lover who may enjoy some of the activities we do or do we want a buddy with whom to have sex?
 MsMaggieMay
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 22
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 11:01:12 AM

Would you stay home and never go out because you had a cast on your leg? Not only is the leg painful but you also are suffering from a lack of company for no reason. Why make the situation worse?

No. But I would at least wait until the cast came off before I started running again. Using other people to fill the hole when you still have that other person in your heart is very unfair and cruel to them. Most people who are dating and looking for love and when you still have love for someone else you are wasting their time. Seeing as you see a partner as nothing more then a roomate to have sex with who is completely interchangeable then jumping back in again would not be a problem for you. You don't seem to value others or feel any love for others.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 23
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 12:03:18 PM

Using other people to fill the hole when you still have that other person in your heart is very unfair and cruel to them. Most people who are dating and looking for love and when you still have love for someone else you are wasting their time.

Yeppers. By all means socialize while healing, it's important, but not via dates. Even if you choose specifically people who say they're only seeking something casual, that doesn't mean they might not be smitten with you. Best to avoid the possibility 'til you're ready for something, so as not to hurt anyone.

It also provides a distraction that slows healing, for oneself. Then you just repeat whatever went wrong before, because you never examined it, because you were too busy being excited about the new person.
 AndreiShadows
Joined: 5/2/2013
Msg: 24
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 12:56:06 PM
A relationship has two people. Most relationships are war because most humans have no clue who they are or what they want. This results in pain all around.

My ex boyfriend entered into a relationship because like you said, he does better with someone. Imagine my surprise when he dumps me for independence? He THOUGHT he didn't need the perfect person, he admitted that he KNEW I wasn't the one from the beginning, yet everything he did was contradictory to his feelings. He wanted to get married, have kids, and told me all the time he believed we were going to be together forever.
After the breakup, it turns out he DOES need a person who is perfect for him.

The point of this story is that he made me suffer A LOT because he had no clue who he was or what he wanted.
The phrase time to heal should really be time to discover yourself. You can't come into another person's life blind, because it creates a lot of drama and pain for both parties. My ex ended up getting more and more miserable every day because in his mind I was the wrong person and thus he needed to dump me immediately. I went through a lot pain trying to figure out my life. I had invested a lot in this person only to realize that I was temporary to them from the beginning.
Life isn't perfect, no relationship is always the same, and feelings constantly change, yes, I can admit to that. But relationships require an inner stability for someone to make them great. He didn't have that and has never given himself the time to find it. I have my inner stability and so I'm ready for a new relationship.

So yes, I believe "time to heal" is a real necessary thing for people. Not just for relationships, but for life. You need to gather yourself every once in a while and think things through. My personal opinion, not saying I have the absolute truth here.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 25
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 1:25:13 PM

It’s not a case of one making another happy. It’s about life’s fulfillment.

Life's fulfillment starts from within. While we agree, I don't know what it has to do with having to be part of a pair.

Like some people who can’t have children and decide to adopt. Try to tell them emotional fulfillment should come from within and they don’t need children.

They don't. Children need parents or guardians to live a healthy childhood - but no one who has kids needs them. All do want them though - at least initially. And yes, emotional fulfillment should come from within. Just because a parent doesn't want to hear that doesn't make it false.

Some people don’t care if they are in a relationship or not.

Those are the smart ones. Despite not needing to be in one, they will choose the right one anyway. That's the healthiest scenario.

Would you think a person would make a good parent if they said they really didn’t care if they had children?

Whether they care or not doesn't gauge their ability to be good parents. I know a lot of parents who wanted kids yet did a crappy job raising them - so those two concepts aren't connected.

The same applies to a partner. If I met someone who didn’t care if they were in a relationship they wouldn’t be the person for me.

Why should someone have to care if they are in a relationship prior to meeting someone that makes them want one? A relationship is only as good, valid or valuable as the people in it. Did I ever care if I was in a relationship while single? No. Did I care to be in one with someone I actually liked? Yes. The context has a lot to do with it.

However, if you want to compare people to things, remember we all learned to put one toy away before playing with another - if for no other reason than we can focus better, and each toy gets undivided attention. Dragging someone into an unresolved situation (unless of course they don't care what happens because they aren't looking for anything serious or are in their own situation) is not a good thing to do to someone else.

Most people who are in or are ending bad relationships where they've been hurt usually aren't in a mindset where they have any interest what they're doing to anyone else - they just want what they want, sometimes with a sense of entitlement. so I don't expect you to grasp that.

If you won't do any healing alone - then say so. Don't try to justify that, don't ask us if we should all feel the same. Just own it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 26
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 1:56:43 PM

So yes, I believe "time to heal" is a real necessary thing for people.


Which begs the question, how do you know if you or the person you meet on a date is fully healed and date worthy? There is no definite black and white "You are now ready" or "You are not ready yet" line to cross or specific time frame. It's bad advice to tell someone to take time to heal unless you have a very specific one-size-fits-all definition of "heal".
 AndreiShadows
Joined: 5/2/2013
Msg: 27
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 2:10:05 PM
No, that's the point of taking T I M E lol.
The person has to know themselves, you can't really decipher that.
Healing means different things to different people.
For me, healing meant reclaiming my independence and redefining my life goals so I can meet someone in line with me. I used to just roll with the punches, non of my boyfriends were in any way shape or form similar to each other or to me.

Healing may mean just taking a month off to feel better and recoup from your loses. It can mean going through a whole grieving process for the death of a relationship.
I understand what you're saying, sometimes we don't "heal" from anything because healing has no real definition. Like I said, the healing thing is my opinion. I'm an introvert, I need time to be alone and think or else things get crazy and stressful for me. Some people heal by jumping into the next thing. It's all okay.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 28
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 2:36:04 PM

Which begs the question, how do you know if you or the person you meet on a date is fully healed and date worthy?

You can usually tell - for yourself, not so much for others, because they may conceal things, whether wittingly or not - if you're no longer thinking all the time about whatever/whoever you needed to get over, if you feel you understand what went wrong and have put it to bed so that it won't recur, if the thought of having a date doesn't bring up instant fears of encountering the same thing as previously, and if you're feeling pretty happy being by yourself and not like there's some gaping hole you need to fill with companionship, rather, that you just want it.

Off the top of my head. It also doesn't hurt if you've reached the point where you can see some humor in your past experience, assuming there is any... those are just some classic, pretty much universal signs and signals, we all have individual ones too. An acquaintance of mine says she always knows when she's ready to jump into the breach again if she sees an ex out with someone and it doesn't bother her. It's kinda similar for me - when I reach the point of abstractly wishing them well should something remind me of them, regardless of whether or not I'd ever want to talk to the person again, I know I'm safe to date again.

It's bad advice to tell someone to take time to heal unless you have a very specific one-size-fits-all definition of "heal".

As you indicate, there's no one-size-fits-all. They have to figure it out for themselves just like the rest of us. That doesn't negate the need to take the time.
 monocryl
Joined: 3/4/2013
Msg: 29
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 3:13:20 PM

That is having your cake and eating it too.

Your cake is the relative peace you have with your wife compared to the uncertainly of her reaction if you were to tell her you're looking for a mistress or already have one. So yes, you are enjoying cake, even though it doesn't sound like a very sweet one.



I assume you’re referring to my special “friend”. There’s no healing process going on. I’m trying to save a marriage. I assure you my friend is not interested in me on a full time basis.

You're only saving the marriage if your wife agrees with your salvaging method. She may be cold, unreasonable, etc., etc., but none of this makes it acceptable to devise your plans in secrecy.

Edit added: this entire post as well and others you've posted sounds like an overly intellectual attempt to postpone or avoid telling your wife.
 Bearfish13
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 30
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/11/2013 8:29:06 AM
personally, i think there should be some time to heal, just to collect yourself and realize that it isn't the end of the world and that tears dry up and broken hearts heal and that the right person is out there
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 31
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/13/2013 7:43:29 AM
Looks like our OPie has a kinda shallow view of exactly what a "going deal" in a relationship actually IS. And it also seems as if he's pretty good at locating females who basically agree that companionship/sex are comestibles that may be had in exchange for lucre, filthy or otherwise. Howsumevah, it would appear that his self talk is not actually convincing something in his soul, hence his need to come here and repeatedly try to convince an unbiased jury of his peers that what he's doing is A-okay.

I personally don't think it is. I also think that avoiding one's AFOGs (Another Frickin Opportunity for Growth) is counterproductive in the long term scheme of things, but I rule only one life, mine.

And of course, NONE of this has one thing to do with how/when/where other people heal.
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