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 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 29
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

I sent him an email thanking him for the nice dinner and apologizing for my delay. Then I asked him how I could repay him for dinner?.. OK, I heard back from the gentleman in question, and he said that he understood, and that there was no need to repay him back for anything.

So in essence you said "I am not contacting you because I am interested in you. I am contacting you because I feel indebted to you. I only want to see you again in order to fulfill my obligations to you."
And his response was "you aren't obligated to me."
That's...one way to do it.

So basically you went out with a guy you label an "acquaintance," you are aware he only had an OK time, you shied away from a potential kiss, you sat and waited for a week for him to contact you, you got frustrated waiting for him to do something so you come to the forums and ask other people to take responsibility for you and tell you what to do, then you contacted him to tell him you feel a sense of obligation because he bought you dinner?

How would you feel if your date acted like that?


It's in the hands of the Universe now

It's always in your hands. Universe has nothing to do with it.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 30
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Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/7/2013 8:48:43 PM
You should have thanked him for a nice date and said you hope to do it again, right after the date, like the next day. It's been a while, he's either not interested or he thought you weren't. I think the time has probably passed, but you could still sent him a note telling him you had a nice time. Other than that, leave it alone.
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 31
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/7/2013 9:49:45 PM
Sing kum-by-ya and roast some marshymelloes. Or call I him perhaps.
 tizzabelle
Joined: 8/20/2010
Msg: 32
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Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/7/2013 10:37:08 PM
seems like he wasn't that into you; better luck next time :)
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 33
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 2:28:18 AM
Op,im glad you heard back from the guy so now you know.............
But next time,please thank the guy a lot sooner rather than wait for him to contact you.

In the follow-up thank you (the next day) it's easy to arrange another date if you're both interested.

Good luck!
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 34
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 4:55:43 AM
Op:

Congradulations on surviving your first date from here! Lol I would suggest also, that in the future if you are interested in a second date and you don't hear from the gentleman first, send a short thank you text.

But in this particular case, I don't think it would have led to a second date. Based on your evaluation that you "think he had an OK time", I think you may have missed subtle non verbal cues that he wasn't attracted. I would suggest reading some articles on body language with regards to attraction.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 35
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Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 5:17:55 AM
TOTALLY his loss...

But I can tell you that when I first got on here I was rather overwhelmed with all the choices and it was very much "kid in a candy shop" mentality for a few weeks while I got my bearings. Lots of smart, independant women with great looks too...Whats a lonescottishboy to do? :)

You will do fine. You survived and from here on in it gets a bit easier each time. :)

Good Luck to you!
 Kellticman72
Joined: 1/5/2013
Msg: 36
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 5:19:44 AM
Its funny how many people say that if he was interested that he would contact you. You know it works both ways. Maybe he thinks your not interested in him because you didn't contact him. If you like someone then go after them. Don't rely on other peoples opinion of what you should do. There are no hard and fast rules. Maybe he didn't get the vibe that you liked him. Let him know. He will either want to go out again or not. At least you would have your answer.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 37
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 5:39:40 AM
I don't think it's anyone's "loss". These are two people that likely didn't have mutual interest. They may both be great people but not for each other. That happens a lot when dating...no one's life is altered terribly in any way when it doesn't click. People move on and meet more people. That's all.
 dobbie101
Joined: 1/24/2011
Msg: 38
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Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 5:52:34 AM
Don't give up. Sometimes, guys being guys, we just don't get it.
If you are really interested in this guy chase him down with a passion...if he stays to far away...shoot him in the butt.. that slows men down considerably, and beat him soundly for being such a bonzo. If he disappears over the horizon...well...it was good exercise.
Of course you could always go and visit the witch...cast the spell...
Just keep the dream alive.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 39
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Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 6:25:20 AM
It NEVER ceases to amaze me how certain people get coddled here with comments/suggestions while other people get literally ATTACKED for basically the same exact 'event'...only worded differently...SSDD


I think its more the presentation than anything else. When I see somebody victim stancing and whining about how it "isnt their fault", I tend to be a little more firm.

When I see somebody post with ( what I see as) sincerity, then I'm usually a bit more considerate.

The OP put out a nicely worded question and seemed careful not to blame but to ask what she may be missing.

But the OP in the "Finished with White Women " thread didnt put it that way. He was a complete 180 from this OP.
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts16016929.aspx

My observations.
Your milage may vary. :)
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 40
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 11:53:58 AM

The OP put out a nicely worded question and seemed careful not to blame but to ask what she may be missing.

Yep. When people own their own stuff, and genuinely want the opinions they requested and show that by listening and taking on board the experience of others, they get nicer responses. Naturally enough!
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 41
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 12:22:21 PM

Ugh, finally a woman with sense. I hate how the majority of these women expect men to do everything. Contact first, plan the date, pay for everything, take control, take the lead..lead all the damn time! Its about time to put some effort in your part and step up to the plate for a change

For every man out there wanting women to take the lead/control etc there is a man complaining about women that take the lead/control etc. While I do understand your point and reasoning, you might want to try to understand that everyone is going to have their own opinion of what's right for them.

Try to be as accepting of the other side as you would like the other side to be. They are not bad people, it's not a bad concept or way of doing things, it's just a bad match for you.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 42
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 12:52:41 PM

Are you people serious with kissing someone on a first date...

oh the horrors of the dating world....

Is this a deal-breaker for you guys?

Absolutely. No kiss, no second date.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 43
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 2:10:51 PM

don't think it's anyone's "loss". These are two people that likely didn't have mutual interest.

Overall, I think this is a pretty accurate statement.


Lots of smart, independant women with great looks too...Whats a lonescottishboy to do? :)


If memory serves, you managed to figure it all out JUST FINE. Congrats.

Completely concur with those who said, to contact ( email, IM or text is fine) and thank him for the date. If you are interested in seeing him again, it's OK to subtly mention that( in most cases. Sometimes subtlety don't work, lol.)
Also concur with SOME of message#50, but I think shootings and beatings might be a bit extreme.

as long as the date doesn't go horribly wrong, say someone catching on fire,

THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT.(lol)

Never take it personally and above all, be yourself...even in the face of adversity.

ah, but sometimes I suspect that it's being myself that brings out the face of adversity...but I can live with that,lol.
Cindy O
 cesska
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 44
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Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/8/2013 9:45:15 PM
pof is a game
it is fishing and release
not catching and keeping
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 45
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/9/2013 8:21:06 AM

Absoluely. No kiss, no second date.


I must be one of the weird ones then because I have a mental block on kissing on a first date. To me kissing is so intimate that I have to be in the moment and be sure we are connecting on every other level before showing my tongue down their throat. Come to think of it if men that I've dated in the past took me rejecting their kiss as I'm not interested I never would have been in any of the relationships I've been in. I'm all for hugs on a first date though. *shrug*
 lostcausein
Joined: 3/16/2013
Msg: 46
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/9/2013 8:29:58 AM
To me kissing is so intimate that I have to be in the moment and be sure we are connecting on every other level before showing my tongue down their throat.


I agree with you 100% .... and yet....I'll never forget the one woman I met who was nice enough and we parted without a kiss and I was neutral about how it went .... but then she came back to my car just before I turned on my ignition, leaned down to kiss me, and it turned into a hot n heavy make out session - man, could she kiss !

Sure got my attention - we ended up seeing eachother for quite some time after... not that day, I mean it lead to a relationship.

*look out the window *
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 47
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/9/2013 8:52:07 AM

Maybe get thee out to yer local dog-park several times every week and watch all tha social interaction there, amongst all them critters and even tha two-legged ones. Over a few months of regular attendance there will likely be a few who you will feel like kissin.. Tha two-legged ones I mean.


The first thing those critters do when they meet is sniff each other's butt (the 4 legged critters). I don't find that appealing among 2 legged creatures.


"To me kissing is so intimate that I have to be in the moment and be sure we are connecting on every other level before showing my tongue down their throat."

It's very obvious that women who are extremely anal about kissing on a first or subsequent date have no clue what goes on in the rest of the world, outside of their neighborhood-yes, it's hard to believe, but the rest of the planet does exist beyond your city block. In a lot of countries, kissing is a common form of greeting someone, whether it's meeting a stranger or greeting a friend. Even men kiss each other in some countries. No, it's not tongue to tonsil kissing. It's usually a peck on the cheek. But in North America, giving someone a peck on the cheek could land a guy in court on charges of sexual assault.
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 48
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/9/2013 9:10:39 AM

It's very obvious that women who are extremely anal about kissing on a first or subsequent date have no clue what goes on in the rest of the world, outside of their neighborhood-yes, it's hard to believe, but the rest of the planet does exist beyond your city block. In a lot of countries, kissing is a common form of greeting someone, whether it's meeting a stranger or greeting a friend. Even men kiss each other in some countries. No, it's not tongue to tonsil kissing. It's usually a peck on the cheek. But in North America, giving someone a peck on the cheek could land a guy in court on charges of sexual assault.


Actually Maleman I happen to be from a different country and I've been away from my "block" and away for my "neighborhood" quite a few times. In my country of mother Russia cheek kissing as a form of greeting is very acceptable and now living in the states I still see cheek kissing all the time because it is so diverse out here and there are people from many different countries just like myself.

When I made my statement though I wasn't referring to kissing my grandma or kissing a cheek of a friend to greet them, I was referring to a romantic kiss on a DATE. Whenever I've been on dates and a man feels a connection with me I've never seen 'em try to aim for my cheek when trying kiss me. Usually they aim straight for the lips.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 49
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/9/2013 9:22:59 AM
wait for a week hoping to hear from him is quite unusual. seems you are good with sign language how come you didnt pick up on his body language which gives clue whether he is into you or not. in this case me a stranger can tell he is not into you.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 50
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/9/2013 12:00:51 PM
For those confused about kissing...I believe it's more about the number of times you get together. If it's a first ever meet in person - then yes, making out is a bit premature (unless the meet is 4 hours long, then for some I guess you know them well enough), but whether it's a dinner date or a coffee - the very first time you meet someone isn't really a natural time to suck face.

I mean I've seen people do that in bars after knowing each other a couple hours, but they're usually drunk and it's a different thing.

If I meet someone for coffee and based on that we make plans to actually go on a real date - then kissing is absolutely part of the evening at least briefly during that official date. It's usually never part of the initial meeting - especially with someone I haven't determined attraction to.

I met my guy for the first time and we spent a good 5 or 6 hours together having dinner and then talking in our cars with coffee (we had never met but knew of each other) - and there was no kissing. I just wasn't there yet, but it didn't mean I didn't have any interest.
 salty_blumist
Joined: 11/26/2012
Msg: 51
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Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/9/2013 6:02:12 PM
Your 48 and still need instruction on this??? Lol, well hopefully he's smart and can read between the lines and hits the high road! Yeah, he should most definitely move on, since if a 48 year old woman who said the date went well yet could not even muster up enough courage and will to kiss the guy... is not worth it! I bet he paid to right? And if so, he then knows, that any woman who will go out on a date to an upscale restaurant and will make it seem she had a good time, then get hung up on offering or accepting a kiss, is just looking for a rich guy. Yeah, in it for the money.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 52
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/9/2013 7:44:43 PM
^^ There are actually some people who have been out of the dating world for decades. I was married for almost 20 years. After my divorce, I was like a fish out of water when it came to dating. I didn't know the first thing about it, because I had been out of it for so long, It turns out, it was actually much different than what it was prior to getting married.

So the fact that the OP wasn't quite sure of what to do, is not surprising, if she has been in a very long term relationship and is just entering the dating world.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 53
Had my first POF date last week. What happens now?
Posted: 5/10/2013 6:34:07 AM
People's waiting times after the first date vary widely - anything from a few hours to a few weeks. I'd have to say if a week has gone by and nothing - you're probably out of luck. Don't take it terribly personally - just quietly move on and try again.

Online dates seem to not be given the same respect and courtesy of real-life dates as far as apology notes and 'Sorry just not interested.' Texts. People tend to have the 'video game' mentality - quick reset and move on - about online dating. You'll need a tougher skin sometimes in that respect - but as long as you can handle non-replies as a loss of interest and NOT as a 'dumping' or 'rejection' or some other offensive term, you'll be just fine.
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