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 AUTHOR
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 26
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History
FWB and new BFPage 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Personally, I would have trouble being with someone who turns to to someone else for a FWB situation every time he was between girlfriends. The fact that it was the same person every time would make it even more difficult. If the two liked to "hang out" together even when they supposedly were not doing the FWB thing would make me uncomfortable.
But, that's me and not you...
 Kellticman72
Joined: 1/5/2013
Msg: 27
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 6:00:22 PM
Oh what a tangled web we weave. Maybe he has a FWB on the side also that he isn't telling you about. That may be why he doesn't seem to "mind". Or better yet, maybe you are his FWB and he has a girlfriend. Do whatever you want. Just use protection.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 28
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History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 6:50:08 PM
Your boyfriend saying he "can't stop you from seeing your friends" doesn't mean he's OK with you hanging out with the guy you used to bang, and will likely bang again. It means he doesn't like it, but is too much of a passive-agressive doormat to walk out on you.

How would you feel if he "hung out" and got physically close and spent the night with a woman he used to bang, and do so when you're not around?
 The_Whole_of_the_Moon
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 29
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 6:50:19 PM

I felt compelled to be honest

Honest isn't the word I'd use. Exactly how did you think it would enhance your relationship if you told your boyfriend you liked to fuck your bestfriend ?

What the fuck were you thinking. The damage is done and there is no advice anyone can give you to fix this fuck up.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 30
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History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 7:07:08 PM

I felt compelled to be honest

Honesty is not a compulsion. It is a conscious, moral choice.
If you are compulsively honest, then you are generally dishonest but for the need to be honest as it suits you and your own agenda (self absorbed).
 marilynh77
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 31
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 7:18:25 PM
Be honest with yourself.
Hang out with your friend and do nothing else, keep your loyalty.
The only reason you are asking for advice on this forums is because you know yourself and you might be afraid you will cheat. If that's the case, don't do it unless you are willing to loose your boyfriend.
Yes friends with benefits is sex and no feeling. Fun, exciting and fulfillment of desire.
Don't you have girlfriends you hang out with?
Just know that if you have friends with benefits, you are letting in an open door for your boyfriend to have a friend with benefits also. If his past walked back in, what would you do?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 32
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 7:41:14 PM

Anyway, we love each other dearly as friends and we're able to successfully go back and forth as friends and lovers really without strings attached.


Did you tell your new boyfriend this part-going back and forth with this friend you love so much-from friends to lovers and lovers back to friends at the flick of a switch with no strings attached? Who do you love more-your boyfriend or your FWB? It sounds like you're not ready to have a boyfriend yet. You have too much baggage to clear up.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 33
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 8:13:14 PM
Serious about you is no longer in the cards for the BF. It's why he's indifferent to it altogether. He'll play the game so long as it's convenient for him & bolt when it's not. I'm sure he appreciated the honesty BUT probably would have appreciated it more if you didn't still have a friend that's your reoccurring FWB. Then again maybe you left that little detail out. May as well buddy buddy with your bud then since he didn't object otherwise.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 34
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 8:14:36 PM

Anyway, we love each other dearly as friends and we're able to successfully go back and forth as friends and lovers really without strings attached except we're more huggy than normal friens.


You seem to be a little attached, committed and loyal to the guy who you are calling a FWB. And, you don't seem overly concerned about securing trust with the guy you are calling your "boyfriend"... not in the way that someone would behave if they were in a "real" relationship. I think that you might have the labels mixed up. Your "friend" is your long-time steady. You are in an "open" NSA relationship. This new guy you are seeing will be your new "FWB".... maybe by the next weekend.

What to do?
Be honest.
Are you really emotionally available for someone new?
 Aura1shine
Joined: 3/2/2011
Msg: 35
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 8:15:21 PM

I honestly don't get these situations. Are you people human beings with self control or rutting animals??? Who the hell has to have sex so bad they start screwing their friends. You can't go without sex until you actually get a date or boyfriend?

My thinking is the same as this one. Animal do not have control of themselves when they are in heed. Human are more being civilized and have control of own wants and need.
But then again, I am from different generation and different way of up-bringing to treat myself as a gold only the really worthy one will get the chance to be in my personal space.

Maybe you can get some insight into your inner-dilemma by looking at differently. What IF your current BF has a real good female friend as you do who is/was a FWB. Would YOU be fine with him not wanting to lose his friend?

That is a very good suggestion to think about.

The biggest problem I can see, is that your boundaries are too fluid. Not specific enough, for anyone to be sure what will or wont happen under a given circumstance.

Precisely!

He'll be walking, sooner or later. Or, he may just decide to become #2 FWB?????? Either,or, you ain't getting no "I love you" from him for at least a couple more months or so.

It is very high probability to happen this way, if she is lucky enough with the L word. I think more likely be I love...(f..ck)you instead.
 toronto_gal2012
Joined: 10/26/2012
Msg: 36
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 9:10:31 PM
Why would you tell your boyfriend about your fwb. I don't think its a good idea, and would give your knew boyfriend a reason to not trust you or want to be with you.
If I met someone knew I would not want to know about the man's past fbw's. stuff like that should be kept in the past and is no one's business.


one more thing, I re-read your post, and you said he is yuor best friend. why didnt you just say he was your best friend and not a former, fwb's.
and why would you be posting something like this for all to read.
should'nt something like this be honest, and only close friends know about.
why share your dirty laundry for all to see.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 37
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 9:20:06 PM

I honestly don't get these situations. Are you people human beings with self control or rutting animals??? Who the hell has to have sex so bad they start screwing their friends. You can't go without sex until you actually get a date or boyfriend? I've gone without for years and I STILL turn people down when they want sex if I don't feel they're long term material. I couldn't imagine having such little self control. With a sexually transmitted disease floating around that's worse than hiv and can kill you in 3 days I can't fathom how a person can exist that way.

How weird, I agree with cw35 about something... well, except for the whole judgy part. I don't understand it either, it wouldn't be for me at all, but I do understand that sometimes this can work for people and I don't think it necessarily means they lack self-control, or don't practice safe sex.

Also, what fresh hell in STD-land can kill in three days? New one on me...

Okay, well we don't agree on much then I guess! Heh. But I do share the visceral "I don't get this" response.

I guess I won't see my friend until I've completely cleared the air with my BF.

Good call.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 38
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 9:23:23 PM
No...I'm definitely not worried about me and my BF splitting up. He's wonderfully dedicated, even at this early stage of our relationship. I just didn't want to keep ignoring my bud, and I'll probably tell him that I need to let my relationship grow before we can hang out again. I want to keep my relationship with my BF moving along in the right direction, and if my friend truly cares for me, he'll understand. :)

What's cool is that every time I have a problem and post it on the forum, I'm reminded that I need to appreciate the wonderful guys I've met on POF. The forum is like a wild garden - you have to see past the weeds and the snails, to see the flowers and the butterflies.
 1Irishguy
Joined: 5/28/2012
Msg: 39
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 9:23:30 PM
Look at you're situation, now turn the table and put yourself in his shoes and then ask yourself how you would feel about the whole situation, chances are you wouldn't be too happy about it would you?

He's right, he can't keep you from seeing you're friends, and that's exactly how I would feel about it too, but that doesn't mean I would stick around and put up with it either. I would probably just part ways and tell myself I don't need the stress, Now I'm not saying that is how he would handle it because I don't know him, but any self respecting guy would probably do the same thing I would.


Either lose the BF or lose the FWB, at least until you're new BF is more secure in the relationship. I wouldn't go visiting you're friend though until some trust is earned otherwise he just may walk away from the whole thing.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 40
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 9:49:14 PM
These are not the medieval times or the days of the plague. With respect to sex, there are numerous resources that keep you safe - use them! Get a full panel of tests immediately before and immediately after any kind of sexual relationship. Demand the same thing from your would-be partner. As far as "sex" not being a necessity, that's just bunk. Basically, I ascribe to the idea that we should responsibly pursue pleasure, but I don't subscribe to the idea of seeking pleasure that negatively affect others. By the term "pleasure" - I'm not just talking sexual of course - I'm talking about all the pleasures that life offers.

(I know this has nothing to do with my original question, but there were so many negative comments about sex, I felt like voicing my own opinion on the subject.)

@ IRISH - thanks :) That's what I plan on doing.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 41
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History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 10:19:18 PM
responsibly pursue pleasure

The pursuit of pleasure is a fallacy. One cannot pursue pleasure, responsibly or otherwise.
One can create an environment or situation that can be conducive to experiencing pleasure as an emotion (reaction) or a sensation (requiring input) which is one reason why sex cannot exist without some degree of emotional energy.
But, to focus on the pursuit of pleasure per se, sexually or otherwise, can and will have emotionally damaging consequences. People can still function but will be emotionally stunted at best or addicted and bitter at worst and resulting behaviours/actions/acting out, aggression, defensiveness, inappropriate expressions of anger, etc.
 y0uandi
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 42
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 10:51:04 PM
I think most people have been there. You're banging one of your friends but dating other people on the side. You get into a relationship and now your banging the relationship and the friend is left on the back burner in case it doesn't work out. If it doesn't you go back to banging your friend - if they are available as in single - to bang.

My question to this is why don't you and your best friend get into a relationship? It's one thing to have a bang buddy on the side who knows their roll, its another thing to have an actual "friend" to bang. What's stopping it from blossoming into more than just either friends, or fwb?
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 43
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 3:20:09 AM

I think most people have been there. You're banging one of your friends but dating other people on the side.

No, no we have not. I have been trying very hard not to judge, but even when I was in high school we didn't do this.

It is NOT usual.
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 44
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 3:23:39 AM
So the BF gets to have an "ex" fwb to hang out with as well?
Aren't you the one on your other deleted thread who said the bf shouldn't be online, acting as if you have jealousy issues?
If it's ok for you to hang out with ex lovers, then your BF should have that option, and you should be ok with it.
It doesn't seem like you would be though.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 45
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 4:55:30 AM

I only have one FWB friend and I have to admit that we weren't entirely "friends" only. We tried a relationship but it was too weird, so we reverted to friends and we're very happy that way. I'm his best wing woman :) My new BF (we've been together for a couple of months) knows that all my friends are guys - in most of my activities,


Did ya "tell" your "boyfriend" about the "trying of a relationship" with this FWB???? Along with instead of a "relationship", the two of you just decided to phuck????? And then, this "most of my friends are guys" thingy. Potentially, that sure is alot of FWBs!!!!! Maybe your "boyfriend" is just setting himself to be added to that group.

I don't see things going well here. Good luck though OP.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 46
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 7:23:34 AM
Message#41
You have answered your own question beautifully, OP. It's situations like these that play up the VALUE of these forums.
See how the posters have helped you sort through it and come up with a pretty good course of action, IMO? I always thought this is how the forums are SUPPOSED to work!

I do have to say that a couple of posters who said (in effect) that one's romantic/sexual past history is one's own business, bring up a good point. However, since you had already laid your cards on the table, you had to play it out.

If your friend is a TRUE friend, he will understand your position and not be hurt about your need to dial back your contact with him.

If you have truly found a guy( your new BF) who is comfortable with your "tomboy" lifestyle and accepts that many of your activity friends are going to be male, then you may indeed have found a keeper.

As for making committments like saying "I love you" and REALLY meaning it-I wouldn't be all that concerned at this point.
SOME PEOPLE regard declarations of romantic/pairbonding love as a VERY serious committment and they will not say it lightly, casually or in haste.
Cindy O
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 47
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 7:26:41 AM

Did ya "tell" your "boyfriend" about the "trying of a relationship" with this FWB????


Correct me if I'm wrong, Walts, but wouldn't the OP and her FWB "trying a relationship" now make them ex-lovers as well?
 that_ol_lady
Joined: 4/19/2013
Msg: 48
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 10:27:58 AM
As a few other posters have said,,ya might as well go head an have a 3sum with these men might as well wouldnt that be a fine way to break the ice between the fwb an the bf...

i'm not even in the situation with you and as an outside viewer im personally uncomfortable myself from all the activaty that is an has taken place between you an your fwb an other guy friends that you hang out with.

cant imagine what the boyfriend must be thinking.

i'd have to bag off from you if i was the boyfriend in the situation..
 y0uandi
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 49
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 10:29:01 AM

No, no we have not. I have been trying very hard not to judge, but even when I was in high school we didn't do this.

It is NOT usual.


That's because you come from a different time era. It's very common these days.
 peaceful_garden
Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 50
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 11:09:34 AM
^^^@cw35. I'm still laughing about the analogy you made earlier in this thread, each time I see your photo it reminds me. Keep posting. Here it is for anyone who missed it:



I honestly don't get these situations. Are you people human beings with self control or rutting animals???
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