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Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 51
FWB and new BFPage 3 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
^^^Yeah but unfortunately due to the "rutting" humans and according to the CDC there is a huge new potential STD crisis just aroung the corner. New strains of antibiotic resistant gonorrhea that can kill in 3 days. Potential of it being worse than AIDS.

There's a very substancial reason you are shocked, any decent human being would be. All the more reason for people to keep it in their pants inbetween monogamous relationships.

Thanks for the much needed comic relief.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 52
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 12:01:12 PM
cw35, I think the world of you-you know that-BUT!- my response/reaction to

but it seems like people will have sex with anyone just because they may have to....GASP....go a FULL day without it.

has got to be WTF!!??? Really, dude??!! REALLY!!??
The OP has not said she wants to have sex with her Fw(suspended)B, or any of her other male activity friends. It sounds like there is a fair amount of deep-friendship history between the OP and this FxwB/bff guy.

I am rapidly beginning to understand why so many people just do not discuss their past sexual/relationship history any more than absolutely necessary when dating someone new. And technically, if there are no legalities or transmittable diseases in play, nobody HAS to tell a damn thing about any prior relationships or even casual/semi-casual sexual interactions. I commend the OP for her honesty but I have a feeling she has learned a potentially valuable lesson or 2 from her present situation AND from some of the responses to this thread.
Anyway, that is MY OPINION.
Cindy O
Joined: 2/5/2013
Msg: 53
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 12:26:13 PM
you are not one of the "guys". and your ideas about honesty and what constitutes a relationship are very confusing and frankly will cause all sorts of problems.

i read most of your explanations about your situation and you are very good at explaining your actions and feelings. problem is no matter how well you explain something that is as ambiguous as your situation, there will be men who just don't buy it. i mean come on now, you and your on/off fwb only have sex when you are not in a relationship falls into the category of "too good to be true" and at the very least the kind of "friendship" that can stand in the way of a traditional monogamous relationship.

do you what you want, but please stop trolling the forum for people to support what you do or give you advice on what your new bf/life partner thinks about your "revelation". be real. if this man is your life partner then don't you think he is so singular that you might be striving to make sure that he never feels the slightest bit jealous or ever think wtf(!?).

perhaps you could define for yourself what a life partner relationship looks like to you. from what you post i think your definition is you are a heterosexual woman who exclusively has male friends and one of these friends you have sex with if it suits your needs. i'm not really seeing the "up" side of being your life partner. so my guess is that wtf(!?) is what your new bf is thinking as he gets ready for this weekend... how could he not?
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 54
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 1:08:58 PM
I am on friendly terms with most of my ex boyfriends, and my bf is fine with that - I have a few male friends (most of what I do is male dominated - work, school, etc) so that's unavoidable, my bf is fine with that as well. Vice versa - he has an ex or two and some female friends as well.

Grabbing drinks or coffee or lunch or whatever with an ex or opposite sex friend once in a while to catch up isn't a big deal for either one of us, but even if it was about a long drive and safety - I'd expect my bf not to be happy with a one on one sleepover, and I can't say that I'd be too thrilled with one either. Even I would think that's a bit over the line.

I'd probably go get him from somewhere before I was OK with him sleeping there if it was within a reasonable distance - and I'm sure it's the same for him....but honestly if one of us is going somewhere like that for a day or two we usually invite the other as a courtesy, or we make plans with each other in the first place.
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 55
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 1:26:57 PM
I'm actually not "trolling the forum for people to support what [I] do", especially since my ultimate decision is contrary to what I would LIKE to do. I'm not worried about my BF or that we would break up, but I certainly would like to be respectful and nice. As far as relationships or dating, I don't have any problems in that arena. I won't go into it because I don't want to be too obnoxious (cause I know I already am lol).

It's very weird, but are most of the people on the forum hard-up on dates or relationships? Everyone talks about relationships as if they're walking on egg shells or living from a different era or under a rock. It's so weird! I mean it's cool because I feel like I'm experiencing a different "culture" entirely. But it's still weird. lol :) However, like I said before, I enjoy it. As far as trolling for advice, if people weren't on here asking for comments to their issues, there would be no forum, so Candyazz and Walt, be grateful that you have an avenue for exercising your biting tongues.

And with respect to sex, I was married for 13 years and then in a relationship for 3 after that, so I can tell you, I'm sure I've been with less people that most. I think people should take as much precaution, including remaining monogamous but they should look at the quality of people that they date as well. If you are selective, and take other precautions, I think the chances of contracting something incurable is reduced significantly. Like I said before, I think people should have fun (a lot of fun) while remaining responsible and smart.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 56
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 1:34:45 PM
Oh good grief WIP, quit posting such level-headed, real-world common sense, it scares the hell out of everybody but me(as far as I can tell).

Whether anybody likes it or not, there are lots of scenarios where a woman may have a lot of male associates and friends, or a man has a lot of female associates and friends. Not all couples that break up make a WWIII out of it.

And I agree, probably best to avoid sleepovers with opposite-sex friends except in cases of dire emergency or certain very platonic circumstances. I'm not going to go into LISTING what those emergencies or platonic circumstances might be, really it's a matter of people using their heads for something other than bottle-openers.

It's very weird, but are most of the people on the forum hard-up on dates or relationships? Everyone talks about relationships as if they're walking on egg shells or living from a different era or under a rock. It's so weird! I mean it's cool because I feel like I'm experiencing a different "culture" entirely. But it's still weird. lol :) However, like I said before, I enjoy it

Oh girl, I cannot TELL you how many times I've wondered pretty much the same things. Many of the things that get discussed in the forums are things that I very rarely encounter IRL. That said, sometimes my relationship with the forums seems to be almost in the nature of Nietzsche's abyss, but I guess it's a good exercise in maintaining perspective.
2nd eta
That quote is EXACTLY what I was referring to. I don't buy all of ANY philosopher wholesale, but that one sometimes seems very apt for the PoF forums.
Cindy O
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 57
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 1:45:52 PM
Cindy, I love your reference to Nietzsche. I also love this quote:
"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you."
Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 58
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 1:58:25 PM

Everyone talks about relationships as if they're walking on egg shells or living from a different era or under a rock. It's so weird! I mean it's cool because I feel like I'm experiencing a different "culture" entirely. But it's still weird. lol

Don't get too smitten with yourself. There have always been people who kept another back-up lover around before the acronyms of FB and FWB existed. There have always been those who act with little integrity.
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 59
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 4:04:36 PM

Did ya "tell" your "boyfriend" about the "trying of a relationship" with this FWB????

Correct me if I'm wrong, Walts, but wouldn't the OP and her FWB "trying a relationship" now make them ex-lovers as well?

Actually, if I have followed correctly, an ex-friend, kinda turned into a boyfriend, who is now a "really good friend" with an addition of being a on again, off again FWB all according to the placement of the moon in the nightime sky. Of course, I may not have followed correctly, so ya have to excuse my ignorance on this one. Blame the freaking whiskey.
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 60
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 4:25:59 PM
Aside, about that thing that can kill in three days:

Recent Press Coverage about Drug Resistant Gonorrhea
May 8, 2013
Several recent news stories reporting cases of the H041 strain of gonorrhea in the United States are inaccurate. The H041 strain referenced in many of these news articles refer to a case detected in Japan several years ago. The H041 strain has not been detected since then, and was never reported in the United States.
CDC is, however, concerned about the threat of drug resistant gonorrhea and continues to raise awareness on this important public health issue, but it is critical to remember that currently-recommended treatment regimens remain effective in the United States.
For information about gonorrhea and recommended treatment regimens, please see CDC’s fact sheet on the topic: .

So, not to worry, y'all.
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 61
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 4:26:34 PM

I may not have followed correctly, so ya have to excuse my ignorance on this one. Blame the freaking whiskey.

No, you followed it correctly. The OP wrote:

We tried a relationship but it was too weird, so we reverted to friends

Have a glass for me. Seagrams VO, I trust.
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 62
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 5:06:40 PM

Time and era isn't really an excuse for crappy behavior towards others and a complete lack of self control. I'm pretty much from the op's era and I can tell you it IS NOT usual. I always get a kick out of how people who want to make an excuse for every disgusting thing they feel like doing use "modern times" as an excuse. .

It is not an excuse, and what YOU feel is "disgusting" doesn't make it so. How is sleeping with people who you're not involved with a lack of self control? I suppose it never occurred to you that note everyone has time for serious relationships yet everyone has needs. Why does society frown upon consenting adults having casual sex? Why is it that if a female sleeps with more than one guy in a short period of time labeled a whore?

So where does it end up in 100 years? It evolves into people killing people they don't like on a whim because it's acceptable in that certain time period? How far does deciding what's acceptable to do to others in society go exactly? Pathetic

Does it evolve into people killing others? I think you're comparing apples to grapes. Two consenting adults having casual sex is much different than me walking up to you and shooting you in the head. What's pathetic is people being closed minded and not accepting change. Whether people want to believe it or not, it's more common than you think. How do you know what others are doing? Swingers have been around for ages pre your era. Sex before marriage? Hate to burst your bubble...

Yeah but unfortunately due to the "rutting" humans and according to the CDC there is a huge new potential STD crisis just aroung the corner. New strains of antibiotic resistant gonorrhea that can kill in 3 days. Potential of it being worse than AIDS.

Just because people are sleeping with others doesn't mean their dirty and filthy. There is the potential of getting STD's with one partner. I suppose people shouldn't be kissing others for the risk of getting herpes. CDC promotes vaccines and immunizations, yet they don't tell you about all the short term and long term side affects.
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 63
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 5:07:32 PM
Mysterious, you say: "That's cute that a girl who wants to spoon around in bed and cuddle on the couch with a guy -who she has sex with from time to time between relationships- while she has a boyfriend thinks that the monsters are outside of herself- a girl who's life motto is to seek pleasure above all else. Ah how morality and common sense have declined in America."

Ah...the "decline of morality in America". That's a big one. Who sets and defines the moral code and standards? I suppose the Inquisition and the Crusades were to uphold morality. And didn’t America once support racial persecution and segregation? Was society more moral back then? I don't think morality in America is in decline. In fact, I think that it's on the upswing and that the closed minded are quickly becoming the minority. :)

IDK, I wouldn't judge a person's moral standards unless it was harming another. But that's just me.
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 64
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 5:09:07 PM
I suppose it never occurred to you that note everyone has time for serious relationships yet everyone has needs. Why does society frown upon consenting adults having casual sex?

I'm not sure it does. I think that's fine.


You're banging one of your friends but dating other people on the side.


Ya hafta pick one, is all. No one wants to date someone, with the intent of a serious involvement, who's sleeping with one of their friends.
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 65
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 5:42:15 PM
This thread reminds me of why I have some of the dating guidelines I have. Don't date a girl with mostly guy friends is near the top of the list.

OP: Your new boyfriend is most likely going to walk. By the sound of it, you are just setting him up for one uncomfortable situation after another. The last thing I want to do when I'm dating a girl is hang out with the guy that was just banging her last week. If you seriously can't back away from a guy you were just sleeping with in order to make a real relationship work, you may as well get ready for a lifetime of nothing other than FWB. No decent dude will want anything to do with your situation.
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 66
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 7:58:33 PM
Who is Kesha? What are you talking about? I've heard of Lady Gaga. I enjoy electronic music and punk - those were the music of my days. As far as TV (if that's what Kesha does), I own a few flat screens, but about a year ago, I figured out that I would cancel it since I go for days without watching TV since I usually read or work in the evenings (I enjoy my work). When some of the other people at work talk about stuff like Dancing with the Stars or whatever is popular, I don't find it all that interesting. I also prefer history, geography, nature and lame survival type things.

BTW, I'm 40. If you don't think my looks have faded, I will consider that a compliment. I don't turn guys' heads because of my looks. Or maybe I do? Who knows, and who cares.

You have these weird-ass preconceived notions of people. You have a great imagination though. I would put it to work perhaps writing a book or a blog? Instead of voicing your strong opinions on this forum, you could write a fictional book, based on your own belief. I'm not kidding. Your ideas are somewhat "Brave New World"-ish. Have you read it? You would find it fascinating and it aligns with your notion of mind control, social conditioning, etc.
Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 67
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 8:23:14 PM
Sometimes I think half of these threads are ruses from fake profiles. One of my neighbors, now deceased, a retired english professor, spent most of his waking hours on internet forums with a fake persona. Had a few post office boxes with different names to write letters to the editor of the local newspapers. Always a fake person, often times the antagonist of his point of view, specifically to make the opposing viewpoint out to be worse than it was.

For example he was very liberal and had pseudonyms of the most obnoxious Republicans personalities you ever imagine pushing for ridiculous new legislation. One persona was widely disliked and well known for his letters to the editor, for over a decade. He never got busted, the professor was good at his hobby, he spoke several languages.

Seriously, no sane individual thinks it's appropriate to hang onto a lover on the side for cuddling purposes while starting a new relationship much less would start a thread about it on a dating site. That should entail some serious embarrassment due to how crude and disrespectful it is to the new bf. But oh no its just dirty laundry hung out for everyone to comment. No respect for that which is sacred.....the new bf opening his heart and emotions by falling in love.
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 68
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/15/2013 9:39:21 PM
The first paragraph of your post actually made me think. I always pride myself on not being part of the throw-away society, and yet I've been part of it -- the throw-away relationship. Thanks for the epiphany :)
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 69
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 5:23:18 AM
No...I'm definitely not worried about me and my BF splitting up. He's wonderfully dedicated, even at this early stage of our relationship. I just didn't want to keep ignoring my bud, and I'll probably tell him that I need to let my relationship grow before we can hang out again.

You should be worried about splitting up with pretty much any guy as a BF if he read your messages on here -- ie not what you told him face to face. :) In other words, more toward the truth. But that is GOOD that you've At Least come to the realization that you can't hang out with your friend-lover who you have feelings for -- and definitely not to do so if/when you and your BF are on the rocks or it hits a plateau of blah/boredom/taken-for-granted.

Hopefully you'll move away from your friend-lover and look back on this in the future if you and your BF move forward, and think "What the hell was I thinking? I could have Really screwed it up!" If you instead choose to continue to spend time with your friend-lover -- you will. Good that you're not wanting to choose to do that.

I had a brief FWB relationship with one of my best friends. ... it went on from there for a few months. When I find a BF though, we stop but then we pick up where we left off when we're both single. Anyway, we love each other dearly as friends and we're able to successfully go back and forth as friends and lovers ... he is too young and not necesarily relationship material - even though he's awesome, brilliant, kind and has my back no matter what. I love him ...

Here's the thing: He's not a mere FWB, and most certainly not a mere Friend by any means either. How do you label such things? Well, you are what you do -- labels are just optional or sometimes a tool to define it as something to up-play or down-play the situation to make one feel better.

In a nutshell, you guys were in an uncommon, romantic/sexual relationship -- on-again-off-again in it's full execution. A friend-and-lover. Loving him as a person more than anything doesn't make it harmless at all (in relation to a BF or potential BF). You also love him as More Than a Friend. How often you hold back from crossing particular sexual lines with that ex-guy is pretty moot when it comes to "is-this-right?".

Bottom line is that if you're into someone a lot, and also into them as More than a friend (lover) -- that's not just a problem in forming a relationship with someone else, it's a HUGE problem with a BF. Don't label him as a mere friend -- he's distinctly more than that, hence your predicament.


"That's cute that a girl who wants to spoon around in bed and cuddle on the couch with a guy -who she has sex with from time to time between relationships- while she has a boyfriend thinks that the monsters are outside of herself- a girl who's life motto is to seek pleasure above all else. Ah how morality and common sense have declined in America."

I mostly agree -- it's insane that people think it's just some minor thing -- as if she just went out on a date with a guy she likes while having this friend-lover around. Maybe at that point, it's a what-to-do.

It's a moral problem, yes, because you're crossing lines. Unless they both agree that you can hang out with friend-lovers, cuddle, spoon, hang-out-one-on-one, "but don't pork again!" (still being a 18yo 'rule') -- it is a moral/ethical issue.

But I don't think it's "the system" that's brainwashed her (or others) TO do this though. I think "the system" just helps people ALLOW themselves (a minority of in society) to even think it's "ok" to juggle both a friend-lover & a BF, because they don't want to lose the bond where the friendship is an important part of it (as with any relationship one likes). It's good she's decided to at least not hang out with the friend-lover while she has the BF. Most people, even UNDER 25, wouldn't put up with it. And we're talking both types of people who go into clubs & libraries.
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 70
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 7:04:44 AM
Fwb seems what happens with some people when they like Bob or Jane somewhat but he/she's a dead end or incompatible but a laudatory person somehow-looks, intelligence etc. but maybe there is no loyalty or more potential. Rather than walk away, one keeps them around in some form these days or it's "missing out" on a potential, even a limited one.. I suppose it's keeping an option but it can seem a lack of boundaries and burdensome having too many half baked options- that list could grow with time. It's a bit like having a lil crack? There are cool enough folks in this life--one can find merit in many but I thought part of the flattery of the rare love is choosing, out of all dates vs having a mild preference but several fall backs.
Just a few appies, not a several course meal? Which do you prefer? Some may say the appies. I can't say its right or wrong but seems a mindset in keeping with these times and a desire to live a bigger life but is it really interfering with intimacy?
It's blurring the lines like saying all people are potentially bi, genders don't exist, one can have SOs and coexist with fwbs, exs. lets muddle past and present AND never have to choose or concentrate on one thing enough to be present/show up fully. Why work on a relationship, just move on or rehydrate the past. The face booking, tweeting, constant fumbling, options having are undermining having anything really for a bunch of flakes of experience? Maybe it's considered satisfying to the new cyborg automaton modern person. I think this game isn't so inherently comfortable for my kind who prefers simplicity, and for others it aligns exactly. It does seems disssociative or moving to the polygamous, and fragmented.
Joined: 5/14/2010
Msg: 71
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 8:59:18 AM
Analyze analyze analyze........and it gets more and more confusing......

When I date someone who has male friends they still see and spend alone time with, I simply assume we are having an open relationship, otherwise known as a FWB.
In my experience, women are generally the ones who want to spin the cocoon, and will surely create the exclusivity that usually comes with a relationship. If they're not tidying up their loose ends (pun) then they are not that interested in an exclusive relationship.
Proceed accordingly is what I usually advise.....but I dont bank unless it's FDIC insured......doesn't mean I don't go to the casino occasionally
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 72
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 9:16:10 AM
OP, maybe HE has an FWB too and he just hasn't elected to share that with you.
Might explain why he's not too bunged up about yours...
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 73
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 9:32:54 AM
(ochikegirl) I have a new BF and I felt compelled to be honest with him that one of my best friends was a FWB. He said he can't stop me from seeing my friends, but I'm not sure if he's being honest.

He's being honest: it's a statement of fact. He CAN'T stop you from seeing your friends. Where you should be concerned is if he tells you that it doesn't bother him.

(BabblingBrookes) Hmm, that's a tricky one. Your boyfriend says he's fine with it.

I don't see where he said that. I see where he said he can't stop OP from seeing her friends. If OP *DOES* continue to see the former FWB 1-on-1, I'd bet her new BF dumps her, pronto. Unless he's into dumb, vapid chicks.

(ochikegirl, from a later post) Do you guys think that if we went on a double date, that would make my BF more comfy?

No. Good Gawd, *WHY* do so many girls think that the new BF is just chomping at the bit to meet the old BF/FwB/FB? GUYS WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ANOTHER GUY WHO'S SEEN YOUR "O" FACE.

Got it?

(ochikegirl) Walts - why do you keep checking my age? There are crazy women of every age lol

Because, this isn't crazy. It's little-girl stupid, is what it is. At 39, someone should know sh!t from Shinola.
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 74
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 9:54:33 AM

(HBA) No, no we have not. I have been trying very hard not to judge, but even when I was in high school we didn't do this.

It is NOT usual.

(yOuandi) That's because you come from a different time era. It's very common these days.

Serial killers, school shootings, and sexual slavery are also far more common these days than when HBA and I were in High School (she and I are roughly of an age -- 29 with years and years of experience! )
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 75
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 9:59:40 AM

youandi: Never said there was anything wrong with people sleeping around and I know I didn't say women were "whores" because they have a lot of sex because I HATE that double standard. I won't do it but if people want to that's on them. It's just too dangerous in my opinion, condoms or no condoms. It's not about sexual freedom, it's about a lack of self control as a mature human being. You need to check yourself and read the op's ACTUAL situation. She's obviously hurting another person while hanging out with other potential sex partners (and with a friend no less). That's the part I hate. If the boyfriend said he was actually into sharing and was really open minded I say go ahead have fun but that's NOT the case the way she's describing it. I have a feeling she likes the whole inflated ego trip from being able to flirt with and/or have sex with someone while having another man wrapped around her pinky. That's wrong. What's funny is I bet if the boyfriend started hanging out with an ex she'd lose it. I'm also wondering how you're making the connection between sexually transmitted diseases and "dirty & filthy". Being dirty has nothing to do with STIs. You sound even dumber than I think you are. This new strain that exists is no joke.

Is it a lack of self control as a mature human being? So if people have fwb's they're not mature human beings?

Suppressing someone's choice by saying it's dangerous, don't do this, don' t do that is the reason some people live in bubbles. We shouldn't drive because of there is a chance we might get into an accident. We shouldn't eat food because there's a chance we get food poisoning. We shouldn't walk outside because we might trip and fall. We shouldn't do drugs because we might OD and die. People make choices and whether you like it or not, they'll keep making choices. We all know everything has consequences and it' s not a lack of self control or immaturity that makes us make those choices.

If I want to continuously sleep with someone with no commitment and that person does to, who are you to judge us? What makes you so much better than us?

You sound even dumber than I think you are.

...and now you're going to insult me? That was lacking self control as a mature human being.
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