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 AUTHOR
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 76
FWB and new BFPage 4 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

People make choices and whether you like it or not, they'll keep making choices. We all know everything has consequences and it' s not a lack of self control or immaturity that makes us make those choices.


People understand that everything is about choices but when it comes to consequences they don't/won't take responsiblity. That has become the norm from mature humans beings as well.


who are you to judge us?


I don't make a point of judging others. When I'm so damn perfect, then I will. Till then...
 WHITEROSEFOREVER
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 77
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 10:31:13 AM
OP...my questions for you is, how did this come up in conversation? did he ask first? because if he did then you and your friend must have been giving off strange vibes. or, did you just decide to tell him? if that is the case, why would you? honesty in a relationship is great, but some things need to stay in our past.
all this is going to do is mess with his head everytime he knows you and your friend have been together.
 WHITEROSEFOREVER
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 78
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 11:06:28 AM
what about someone who you are friends with now, but were in a relationship years ago? where does it end? should both people in a relationship make a list of everyone they have been with through out their life?
i do not need to know who they slept with...if they are with me at the present time, all that matters is they are only with me. the older we get, the more of a past we have. what is past is in the past. i am not saying do not be truthful if they ask, but to tell all history when you first start seeing someone can mess with a new relationship.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 79
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 12:52:59 PM

(whiteroseforever) what about someone who you are friends with now, but were in a relationship years ago? where does it end? should both people in a relationship make a list of everyone they have been with through out their life?


It's a discretionary, use-your-common-sense, kinda scenario. Obviously, if your new SO has been cheated on in the past by every single partner he/she has ever had, he/she will need to be treated differently than someone who has a cuckold fetish. Use of the words "insecure", "immature", and "controlling" are contra-indicated in ALL cases, however.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 80
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 1:02:42 PM
I'm so glad I posted because I'm getting advice from people who are clearly moral, upstanding members of society, and well adjusted with wonderful permanent relationships built out of complete honesty and respect, without any conflict. :P

I now have so much hope in our future, given that even in this small venue (the forum), we are surrounded by self-controlled, mentally and emotionally healthy people, well-read, well-bred, and hopefully they will continue to produce off-spring that will carry that on to our next generation.

Thank you.
 JS3344
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 81
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 1:10:45 PM
^^^Great comeback!............if you were 12.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 82
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 1:20:54 PM
And yet it continues... Thank you. You must have high esteem for 12 year olds. I mean my mom did attend college starting at 12 but I didn't know that you knew that!
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 83
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 1:23:56 PM
Y'know, OP, if it was only your own life that you were gonna mess up, I'd be sayin', "Fill yer boots!" Unfortunately, though, you're dragging some poor sap through your deliberately-courted train wreck. I feel sorry for him.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 84
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 4:51:16 PM

I'm so glad I posted because I'm getting advice from people who are clearly moral, upstanding members of society, and well adjusted with wonderful permanent relationships built out of complete honesty and respect, without any conflict. :P


Funny thing about asking questions on a public forum is that the general public will reply. Up to the person asking the question and reading the answers if they can actually see what some are trying to say. If you already have an answer to your question, why even ask????? Ya know what I mean?????

I think the concern with your little scenario OP is the "flip flopping" back and forth with your "friendly FWB whenever it suits your personal situation that happen to be in. A relationship doesn't work out???? Well, at least I got my FWB to satisfy my personal urges. Me????? I just fall back into another bottle. Hurts no one except my head.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 85
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 4:54:41 PM
Look-
Walts, Arlo, other esteemed posters.
I love ya all, you know that!-even the ones I butt heads with more than agree-but I gotta say this...
Message #99
priceless!!
Cindy O
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 86
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 6:27:48 PM
I think people should take as much precaution, including remaining monogamous but they should look at the quality of people that they date as well. If you are selective, and take other precautions, I think the chances of contracting something incurable is reduced significantly. Like I said before, I think people should have fun (a lot of fun) while remaining responsible and smart.


OP, it sounds to me as if you're more concerned with having fun than being in a monogamous relationship at this juncture in your life. You obviously have a solipsistic need for external validation that can't be satisfied by just one man.

I propose that you forget about having one boyfriend, and pick yourself up a copy of "The Four Man Plan" by Cindy Lu. That way, you can learn how to juggle four men at a time without getting caught. Admit it---deep down, you really want permission to sleep with more than one man at a time, right?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 87
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 9:46:03 PM
cw35,

Never said there was anything wrong with people sleeping around ... It's not about sexual freedom, it's about a lack of self control as a mature human being.

First, this topic isn't about, or even related to sleeping around. :) The OP is not sleeping around -- in a nutshell, she had a relationship of sorts with a guy she keeps close and emotionally wants to be close to -- while having a BF -- and thought it was more or less fine when she has confidence that she won't do anything physical (so therefore it must be okay). She now realizes that's not quite the most kosher thing (although in reality that's putting it very lightly). Anyway, her wanting to keep an ex-of-sorts close to her while she has feelings for him is not about sleeping around. I'd hope one wouldn't think it'd imply that!

Merdave,

OP, maybe HE has an FWB too and he just hasn't elected to share that with you.
Might explain why he's not too bunged up about yours...

Very good point. IMO, he's either being really too cool about it as a laid-back guy ("Okay, I can't stop you; I'll give you rope to hang yourself with"), or he's got a female friend around that's been on his mind and even though he doesn't like the situation he won't feel guilty keeping that fire on the back-burner.

Halycon,

Admit it---deep down, you really want permission to sleep with more than one man at a time, right?

I wouldn't necessarily say that -- as to actually execute it. I think maybe the guy saying "I can't stop you" was a good psychological tactic to make her think about it as opposed to an emotionally hasty response that he's 'restricting' her, when deep down she knows it ain't good at all. But I think underneath she wants to keep that flame on the back-burner. The friendship itself is something real, sure, of course -- but her motivation and deepness about it is more than the friendship... not to be able to "do two guys at once" -- but freedom to do what she wants.

BUT it's good she realizes at least it's not good to hang with that guy she has strong feelings for. It doesn't matter if it's different than a boyfriend -- it was an on-again/off-again thing -- and it's her emotions itself. Even if she didn't have a BF right now, and a relationship wasn't a feasible option with the guy, I would still say to back off if her emotions are so dear about him. But who knows -- maybe she Does want both if given the option. :)

mysterious,

Yes I still think her original post was wrong but I gotta have her back on this much. She seemed to see how she might be having superficial throwaway relationships- so why continue on as if she never said that?

I agree. People shouldn't BASH her. They should be not be so mild to imply that she was barely tip-toeing over a line or something -- it's a much WTH situation if it's a boyfriend -- and awareness should be vocalized and all... but also, recognition she at least understands it's at LEAST not a kosher thing.
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 88
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/16/2013 11:12:28 PM
I still don't understand if OPs point is she won't sleep with the fwb (or what happens in the dark, happens), or if sleeping over at the fwb will derail the bf relationship, no matter his cool reply. Her other thread claimed she wouldn't let her bf "play her", implying possessiveness. (?) So she's a hypocrite.
Her threads are all the same
1 how can I strategize to keep doing what I want(even if my bf doing it would be out of bounds).
2 let me ask you conventional azzholes, since my bf might respond like you
3 contempt comments at any who disagrees or wonders if she treats everyone as her subject

Yes I still think her original post was wrong but I gotta have her back on this much. She seemed to see how she might be having superficial throwaway relationships- so why continue on as if she never said that?

I agree. People shouldn't BASH her. They should be not be so mild to imply that she was barely tip-toeing over a line or something -- it's a much WTH situation if it's a boyfriend -- and awareness should be vocalized and all... but also, recognition she at least understands it's at LEAST not a kosher thing.

Her" throwaway" comment sounded like she wasn't "throwing away the fwb"--as she wanted to see him, but now sees it could backfire, so she will hold off. Or does it mean she shouldn't have had fwbs?

I'm so glad I posted because I'm getting advice from people who are clearly moral, upstanding members of society, and well adjusted with wonderful permanent relationships built out of complete honesty and respect, without any conflict. :P
We were responding to your recent narcissistic kerfuffle, not rating ourselves on moral upstandingness.

I now have so much hope in our future, given that even in this small venue (the forum), we are surrounded by self-controlled, mentally and emotionally healthy people, well-read, well-bred, and hopefully they will continue to produce off-spring that will carry that on to our next generation.
Some don't believe in contributing to the groaning biospheric load. So you're conventional about that, how quaint.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 89
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/17/2013 11:15:53 AM
Her other thread claimed she wouldn't let her bf "play her", implying possessiveness. (?) So she's a hypocrite.

Haven't read or don't remember that thread. If that's the case, same BF, and it's "playing" on the same level as this, yeah, I'd agree.

Her" throwaway" comment sounded like she wasn't "throwing away the fwb"--as she wanted to see him, but now sees it could backfire, so she will hold off. Or does it mean she shouldn't have had fwbs?

Yeah, she's not wanting to throw away the FWB -- who's something more emotionally important to her than a mere FWB -- but at least not to hang out with him, which is at least required for any basic common decency when one has a BF. I think it's more of a "oh sh!t, this could backfire or cause complications with the BF" as the main motivation to not hang out with her FWB for at least a while, as she put it. She is not saying she shouldn't have had FWBs... I think anything motivating her to POSSIBLY not having FWBs is that even without a BF, it can be emotionally tough when you have such strong feelings for them and get along so great, but not an LTR compatible mate (a different subject than "is this kosher to keep him around, with a BF?").

But is it freedom to do what she wants? Whos the one who wont let the FWB progress further? her or him? Cos its sounding like she has a boyfriend cos the FWB wont go no further.

Good point, good question. In a nutshell, if one has a close friend who's a FWB who gets it on when single, you shouldn't hang with them or even be close to them when having a full-blown BF/GF. But it'd tell the tale more as to why the FWB didn't progress -- his doing or hers or both, and why, etc.

"Hey honey, Steve and I are going hiking and crashing at his house tonight."
"Oh.... okay, ummm... well I can't Stop you, but you make reference to Steve quite a bit. Do you like him or vice versa or something?"
"Oh geez, it's cute, but don't be jealous. I love him as a friend. He's such a great guy. We're such great friends. I mean, I can't break friendships just because I'm dating someone."
"Well, it's a pretty close friendship -- not saying you don't entirely break any friendship Merely because we're together... it's just the nature of it and a case-by-case thing... But again, I can't stop you. You guys are Just friends but doing that?"
"We're very close friends, and yeah, we bang when we're both single. But I'm not single! You gotta learn about trust..."
"Sooo wait, wait. You love him as a friend, and you two bang when both single... and you'll bang if/when we'd break up?"
"Yeah, he'd shag me rotten like he's done before and after the last guy I dated... again, ONLY when I'm single! I wouldn't cheat on you. I can control my hormones and so can he. We are great FRIENDS. Okay, I gotta pack my stuff and head on out! Talk to you tomorrow!"
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 90
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/17/2013 7:48:10 PM
I am grateful and consider myself fortunate to have such wonderful friends and a loving boyfriend. Sometimes I take them for granted, but these posts remind me that they are AWESOME.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 91
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/17/2013 8:47:43 PM
Hes too young and not relationship material? But he is awesome, attractive, a great friend, and good in bed?
I say OP is so scared of losing her friend so she refuses to date him. Yet it sounds like they would be a great couple. To me this whole thread is lame. Friends should not F**K!
And if this guy is just a fwb I doubt he is on a dating site forum running his mouth about her!
If her great friend is not even good enough for her how does any other guy have a chance
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 92
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/17/2013 10:26:13 PM

But he is awesome, attractive, a great friend, and good in bed?


A person can be these things and not be husband material for you specifically. Your husband is someone you're going to build a life with. They're supposed to be your partner in life. Being awesome, attractive, a great friend and a good lover doesn't mean you're a good fit for being everyone's partner in life. You're probably a great partner for Someone, but not everyone. All exes are not douchebags. Some were great guys with a lot to offer, but weren't a good fit for you specifically.
 ManOfAdventure28
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 93
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/18/2013 10:15:52 AM
So if I'm right....you were hiking with your bf/spending quality time with him....and you decided to bring up your FWB. Good move. Next time, why don't you start talking about him whilst you're having sex with your bf.....maybe even use the other guy's name.

If you continue to handle the situation like you are....you will be back with your FWB really soon. Why not broach the subject with your BF when you're talking about how he's going to be away etc.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 94
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/18/2013 11:30:37 AM
Confident realist I would be crap at fwb and heres why. Ive read your various comments on fwb and I honestly cant tell what you are saying here? I would be so open to any man who wanted to play me and Id be such an easy target. Does this really happen? do people believe this and have relationships like this? Please explain this [fictional dialog] to me.

Sometimes people do, hence, this thread, as it even being debatable to the OP. Now, what I will say is that the dialog word for word -- rarely. And when it does, it usually breaks up or goes on the rocks. There are weird relationships out there.

It's not said exactly like that... but it is what some people will say in Other words that don't sound like that but are logically the same. In the dialog, the female who has the close 1-on-1 guy friend is a horrible defense attorney in the words she uses. :) They aren't going to put out there "Sure, we bang when single! Yeah!" -- they'll want to steer from saying that at all (even though it's TRUE; that's the point).

I was pointing out how DUMB the Situation is -- if one wants to KEEP an ex/FWB around as a close person to them who they love (even if more as a friend than anything), while having a BF/GF.
 the_biggavell
Joined: 7/9/2012
Msg: 95
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/18/2013 11:39:28 AM
Sweetness, whats stopping you from just dating your friend? You already sound like your in a great relationship with the friend!

Your new boyfriend sounds like the problem if you ask me.
This is why men and women cant be just friends.
Call it what it is. You both know each other well, both are good with each other....

So whats stopping you from just being exclusive with your friend?

EVer considered open relationships? Or swinging?
 peaceful_garden
Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 96
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/18/2013 12:32:29 PM
EVer considered open relationships? Or swinging?


Great suggestion there big guy! Have you ever considered that the Center of Disease Control is warning of a new strain antibiotic resistant Gonorhea? Under control at the moment but top scientist and doctors fear it will be worse than AIDs and can be spread by oral sex. It might be time for you to get some better values. Life doesn't need to be about exploring self-gratification, that's a choice, and a poor one at that. It will take you on a tailspin and leave you deposited in the gutter.

Edit to below:
Don't say you weren't warned.
 the_biggavell
Joined: 7/9/2012
Msg: 97
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/18/2013 12:58:52 PM
Ugh.. are you the boyfriend?!? Like is this coming from a guy? You sound typical, try saying something that every person hasnt said.
IM sure she's old enough to know how to protect herself.
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 98
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/18/2013 2:12:18 PM

But he is awesome, attractive, a great friend, and good in bed?


A person can be these things and not be husband material for you specifically.



I missed the post stating the first bit of this and am assuming it relates to the fwb?

Not really sure what Im missing but what more are you exactly looking for in a husband?


I can't speak for the OP, but these things wouldn't be sufficient for me to marry someone. There are plenty of reasons why you wouldn't marry someone just because they're "awesome, attractive, a great friend and good in bed".

*Differences in values: For example you want children, but he doesn't.
*Differences in life goals: He wants to live as a missionary in Zimbabwe, while you want to live an "average" life in Springfield, Illinois
*At different stages of your life
*etc

Values are a near impossible thing to get around. Preferences and such are easy to bend for the right person. Requirements? Values? Not so much.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 99
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/18/2013 11:53:08 PM
I'm scared that my current boyfriend will be able to sense that something has gone on between me and my friend, so I wanted to come out with it.

Funny, my friend and I were talking and I asked him what happened between us (I NEVER talk about it, but this post had me thinking). He said something about the fact that I would probably dump him after a month anyway, like I do other guys. It shocked me that he thought that, but it's true. I really like him and value him, and I guess I would rather keep him my friend for the long run than dump him, like he said I would. He's such a freaking keeper though, and I wish he would find a girl to make him happy. The problem between us is impossible to overcome (biological kids - I can't have anymore). I'm going to stay away for a while - I think there might be too much going on between the two of us right now than I've allowed myself to believe. On his side too.
 ManOfAdventure28
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 100
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 2:57:12 AM
^^^^^^This is why I won't date women who have any gypsy blood in them.......clairvoyants ruin all my fun
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