Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > FWB and new BF      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 101
FWB and new BFPage 5 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
This is a joke thread. Nobody makes it to 40 being this dumb.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 102
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 5:38:31 AM
Message# 121
Very good explantion of ONE of the scenarios in which one could be very admiring/fond/enjoy the sexuality of someone, but still know that a long-term committed relationship could not be made to work.

I can only speculate that there are some posting here who are so anxious to get paired up that they cannot understand how some other people can make differentations between opposite gender friends(yes even if sexual attraction is in play)and a person who is a candidate for a longterm committed relationship. This doesn't make anybody bad, wrong, or somehow defective, it is a difference in philosophy. The thought that perhaps the "meets basic standars so form a LTR" camp is driven by anxiety or even desperation, is merely a viewpoint/opinion of my own.


If you stopped sleeping with your guy "friend" then I'm not sure why you felt "compelled" to say anything. You're just bringing an unnecessary negative into your new relationship, unless he's one of those guy's that enjoys the thought of his "woman" banging other guys.

Now, I am sure that some are going to start screaming and waving the banners of honesty and "lying by omission"-but this IS a sensible/pragmatic point of view. However, there may be circumstances in SOME situations where full disclosure is the preferable course of action.


and I wish he would find a girl to make him happy. The problem between us is impossible to overcome (biological kids - I can't have anymore).

Now, to me, this explains MUCH and I commend the OP for not just latching onto her friend and trying to force a "real relationship" into existence in order to "comply" with some perceived social dictate,even though it would be depriving her friend of an important desire for his own life( wanting to be a father).


I'm going to stay away for a while - I think there might be too much going on between the two of us right now than I've allowed myself to believe. On his side too.

I can completely understand this, and if your friend is TRULY a friend first and a sex partner second, he will also.
But I can also understand how you may miss the emotional support/camaraderie of your friend. But if you honestly believe your new bf is a strong candidate for a happy and functional ltr, all parties may well be better served if you reduce the amount of in-person/one-on-one contact with your friend.
Message#124
very funny,lol. But it isn't always "clairvoyance", it is just that some people are more attuned to subtle undertones of various types of social interactions. This doesn't necessarily make them out as somehow "better",it's just more effective use of a gift. ( yes, it CAN have a down side, as well!)
Cindy O
 ManOfAdventure28
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 103
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 6:47:54 AM

This is a joke thread. Nobody makes it to 40 being this dumb.


You seem to have made it to 47 with no idea how to take a picture....so I wouldn't rule out the possibility.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 104
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 7:56:37 AM
...the fact that I would probably dump him after a month anyway, like I do other guys.


It sounds as though your FWB has pegged you as not relationship material. You may not be emotionally available for a committed relationship since your divorce.

Why don't you consider going down the route of two steady FWB's? The nature of a FWB arrangement allows for multiple partners. If you did this then you wouldn't have to be constantly on and off with your long-term FWB. New relationships always start with the low level attachments that a FWB would have... you almost have to force yourself to stay committed to the person during these early days. I think the real comfortable attachment feelings don't come until you've been dating for a year or so. And.... sometimes the rushing of feelings and attachment in trying to fit a relationship into the gf/bf mold causes stress within the relationship that ultimately leads to conflict and things ending sooner than if you were to take the light-hearted "friends" approach. This guy you are calling your boyfriend might be more open to the idea of FWB than you think because it would allow him to keep his options open just in case you decide to dump him in a month. A lot of guys naturally like to do that even though they won't tell you this.

On the other hand, if the guy you are calling your boyfriend is sincerely looking for someone to marry... chances are he would NOT want to be your next FWB. Then again, a serious person would not be okay with you spending the weekend with your FWB. I would expect a stronger reaction than: "I can't stop you from doing that." At this point, it's hard to say if your boyfriend is serious.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 105
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 8:03:07 AM
@ Manofadvent -- I initially thought you were defending me and then, I was like....hang on... lol
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 106
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 8:16:03 AM
Why don't you consider going down the route of two steady FWB's

Sun, I think the world of you-you know that-and I mean you absolutely no personal disrespect! BUT...
have you lost your ever-loving mind?
2 fwbs? Why in the world would any reasonably sane person want to go down that road? The only crazier thing I can think of would be to have 2 husbands!
While I realize that there are no "rules" applicable to FwB, part of the POINT of a fwb is a source of companionship and sexual comfort when one is not dating or in a "conventional" relationship.
Now some people will chose being alone and celibacy when not dating/in a committed conventional relationships. Some will choose some sort of stopgap method for acquiring companionship and sexual comfort, and others will be out there chasing and dating their asses off trying to MAKE a conventional relationship happen.

It sounds as though your FWB has pegged you as not relationship material.

Agan, no disrespect, but it sounds to me like the OP and her FwB have more or less mutually decided that they are not a good match for a conventional LTR.
And, while I am not going to go back and re-read the whole thread, I cannot recall anything here that suggests the OP is dating the one guy while continuing to have sex with the FwB. Sounds to me like the benefits were suspended when she started dating her present bf.
I don't think that either the OP or her FwxB have "pegged" the other as "not relationship material"-they just aren't meant to be in a conventional relationship together. Yeah yeah I know, ideally we all keep our legs crossed and devote our dating/opposite sex interactions to finding "the RIGHT one"...but life doesn't always work in perfect ideals.
Cindy O
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 107
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 9:12:05 AM

have you lost your ever-loving mind?


Perhaps you are correct.
I have an XB-FWB and I'm dating others.
My opinions on relationships have changed dramatically over this last year.

So... don't listen to me! :) lol.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 108
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 9:19:41 AM

DrAweSome32
OP: Your new boyfriend is most likely going to walk.

Agreed.

DrAweSome32
The last thing I want to do when I'm dating a girl is hang out with the guy that was just banging her last week.

Agreed, again.

DrAweSome32
No decent dude will want anything to do with your situation.

Now here I can’t agree. I don’t know how to define “decent”, and I certainly wouldn’t attempt to speak for all men who think of themselves as decent. But I will say this much: the only relationship I would have with the OP is a sexual one.

ochikergirl (the OP)
BTW, I'm 40. If you don't think my looks have faded, I will consider that a compliment. I don't turn guys' heads because of my looks. Or maybe I do? Who knows, and who cares.

You know, and you care. I have never known a beautiful woman who didn’t know, and didn’t care. Such beauty does not happen accidentally, or without a lot of thought and effort.

ochikergirl (the OP)
Funny, my friend and I were talking and I asked him what happened between us (I NEVER talk about it, but this post had me thinking). He said something about the fact that I would probably dump him after a month anyway, like I do other guys. It shocked me that he thought that, but it's true.

And this, above is why you’re not worried about your new boyfriend dumping you. You know full well that you’re going to dump him before he ever gets the chance to dump you. I have to agree with Arlo, this does NOT sound like a 40 year old, it sounds like high school.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 109
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 10:55:33 AM

I'm scared that my current boyfriend will be able to sense that something has gone on between me and my friend, so I wanted to come out with it.

Lot of feelings there, then.

Funny, my friend and I were talking and I asked him what happened between us (I NEVER talk about it, but this post had me thinking). He said something about the fact that I would probably dump him after a month anyway, like I do other guys. It shocked me that he thought that, but it's true.

Well, heck, then you don't have a problem at all here. This current boyfriend isn't going to last anyway.

The problem between us is impossible to overcome (biological kids - I can't have anymore). I'm going to stay away for a while - I think there might be too much going on between the two of us right now than I've allowed myself to believe. On his side too.

Good call... if you're that sure he's so dead set on bio-kids. I don't know, the more you talk about him, the more I think you two are a very good match. He obviously knows you very very well, "warts and all," and still cares deeply. Maybe he'd be willing to consider adoption, if you could get over the dumping habit sufficiently to not do it with just this one.

Looks to me like, if there's a fifth wheel here, it isn't your FWB/Friend - it's your boyfriend. And, emotionally at least, he probably knows that.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 110
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 11:11:14 AM
the fact here is that your best friend is single and dont want you as his girlfriend . you have a boyfriend and still want to hang out with your friend . once your friend has a girlfriend you will know what to do what to do.
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 111
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 1:08:34 PM


This is a joke thread. Nobody makes it to 40 being this dumb.


You seem to have made it to 47 with no idea how to take a picture....so I wouldn't rule out the possibility


Second big laugh of the day. Thanks, ManofAdventure28
 the_biggavell
Joined: 7/9/2012
Msg: 112
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 2:38:42 PM
So he is emerg di.ck... nice.

Best you stay away.
See how great he is, caught on how horrible you are at relationships, and decided to just play his position-- d.ick in a glass jar, and its cool.

Ask a girl to be that off the bat.. and there is problems.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 113
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/19/2013 9:46:24 PM

I'm going to stay away for a while - I think there might be too much going on between the two of us right now than I've allowed myself to believe. On his side too.

I am very happy for Ochikergirl to finally acknowledge that she may very well have been in denial. This may be a very important first step for her. I hope it is, for her sake. Congratulations, Ochikergirl!
 toronto_gal2012
Joined: 10/26/2012
Msg: 114
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 2:02:48 AM
What I don't get is that this thread has gotten this far. Here we have a women who is not afraid to speak her mind, has a bf and fwb and see's nothing wrong with it. I did mention earlier in post I wrote, that I would not have brought up the fact that she has a fwb and told her current bf about it, and that he is just a friend. That's like all the women on here or not on here telling there new bf, "by the way, my best friend, I used to f him". I personally would not want to know about a new bf's past. What happened in the past, should stay in the past.

I will add from past experience, that I met a great guy on here about 5 yrs ago, and I told him I had fwb just before I met him, and I never heard from the new guy again.

I will be honest, I did not read all the responses, but from what I have read, it seems to me like she is proud of what she has done, why would someone tell complete strangers about your love life. Most of the posters on here, are just everyday people like me, and no experts when it comes to relationships. I seriously think you need to see a relationship therapist, kind of like a marriage counselor. but that's just my opinion.
 ManOfAdventure28
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 115
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 2:07:49 AM

So he is emerg di.ck... nice.

Best you stay away.
See how great he is, caught on how horrible you are at relationships, and decided to just play his position-- d.ick in a glass jar, and its cool.

Ask a girl to be that off the bat.. and there is problems.


Ah......projecting your own insecurities and failings onto the OP's thread.

They are FWB-it's a two way street. She's not taking advantage of him. He's quite happy to be emergency d1ck and she's quite happy to be "the whole that needs filling" (I'm assuming that that's the female equivalent of emergency d1ck-please correct me if I'm wrong). In fact, in 99% of cases, you can only be taken advantage of if you allow it to happen, otherwise you're quite happy with the situation, you're just angry at the end result and so you claim that the other person "took advantage of me".

And just a little advice, if you are asking women to FWB right off the bat, then yes, there will be problems. Try "Hi, How are you?" Then you can follow it up with your request. Although quite where you're getting that the OP asked her friend to be a FWB off the bat, is a mystery. They were friends that transitioned into FWB. There was no "off the bat". You need to be a little rapport first.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 116
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 5:32:18 AM
Twit: no one's condemning her FwB; they're pointing out that it's the impediment to her establishing a dating relationship.

When did people get so stupid?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 117
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 6:28:01 AM
This thread has taken a turn that I'm not sure I quite understand...
As I understand/interpret the OT and some of the OPs subsequent posts, now that she is dating someone (new bf) she is NOT also banging the FwB, I think she misses some of the non-sexual camaderie/friendship she shares with the F(x)wB,and is hoping that she will get a consensus that it's still OK to maintain a close friendship with the F(x)wB. I can understand this. But I also think that due to a certain degree of misperception here, she isn't going to get that conscensus.

I do not think it is a matter of either the OP or her F(x)wB thinking the other is "not relationship material". It sounds to me like both of them have the insight that-for whatever reason(s)!-their feelings for each other are not what is needed to forge a durable and satisfying LTR. I can completely relate to her wanting the F(x)wB to find the right woman to be a SO to him and have children with him.
Yeah, she could probably MAKE something happen that would LOOK like a relationship with her F(x)wB. It would be quite SELFISH and might end up in bitterness, regret and an elderly male( the FxwB) roaming the dating sites with his d*ck in one hand and his wallet in the other, looking for a YOUNG woman to sell herself to him as a baby machine.
Do you think I'm KIDDING!? Let me assure you that I have seen threads of PRECISELY that nature here in PoF forums.

OP, if it weren't for the having children thing, I guess I'd be inclined to ask if you are really sure that the FxwB ISN'T your best bet for a long-term relationship. But I can completely understand your differentation. And I agree with you, much as you miss the camaraderie, you may have to dial back your contact with the FxwB for now.
As to participating in other recreational activities that have more male participants, I can only suggest that you use your best judgement. However, I do think it would be a damn shame if you start trying to change who you are to appease a bfs' insecurities.
But that has to be YOUR call. All we, any of us ,can do is offer our opinions.
Cindy O
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 118
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 6:51:40 AM
^^^ I think you may have missed the OP's words in message 8 Cindy....


- except he is too young and not necesarily relationship material - even though he's awesome, brilliant, kind and has my back no matter what.


OP has added the "no kids" thingy after the fact, to more suit, well, suit the "discussion". I would also suggest Cindy, that the BF's "insecurities" (if he has shown any yet) could be understandable. You, personally, may have never had to deal with a female which bears resemblance to the OP, but, some of us have. There is more to the OP, than the FWB, and the present BF. It just isn't as clear to some as others.

Having your cake and eating it to you comes to mind,at least to mine.
 ManOfAdventure28
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 119
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 7:06:33 AM

Twit: no one's condemning her FwB; they're pointing out that it's the impediment to her establishing a dating relationship.

When did people get so stupid?


If you're wondering when people got so stupid......chances are, you're one of them.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 120
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 7:31:13 AM
Walts
I stand corrected- to some extent,anyway. I get a little tired of the statement "FwB means not relationship material" thrown out on occasion as a veiled insult to FwBs everywhere.
FwBs may come about between 2 people who may not be long-term relationship material for one another.


Having your cake and eating it to you comes to mind,at least to mine.


Oh, I understand completely how that impression could occur.
But I can also see someone genuinely having a dilemma in this situation. A strong friendship is not something to be tossed aside lightly just because an interested 3rd party is nervous about what is between the friends' legs.

I guess the closest analogy I can come up with would be a friend with similar business interests, that one might do a small venture or partnership with, but despite the strong friendship, would be hesitant to embark on a MAJOR business venture with, because of a differing "big picture" philosophy or differing long-range business goals. Nothing to suggest that one business partner is "exploiting" the other, or that one business partner isn't" good enough".
I know that's not a perfect analogy and I'm sure that some will get their knickers in a twist thinking that I'm equating business/money with sex/love. C'est la vie, c'est la guerre...
I will admit that I have an issue with "have your cake and eat it too". But in the grand scheme of things people try(and sometimes succeed) to do that every day. Yeah, some people are more noble that others-wanna sue me? Get in line!
Thus far ,(I think?) we have no information indicating that the OPs "official" bf has dumped her. I know she indicated an intent to dial back her current level of interaction with the FxwB.
Some have reacted, indicating that -ITO- the OP was excessively truthful.
That observation is far from meritless-but we none of us are actually mice in the corners or flies on the wall actually observing the OPs relationship with the new BF, so that is a hard call to make.
No, I've not had a LOT of encounters with pathological levels of "have their cake and eat it too", but I am aware that the trait exists. Most of the time I'm more inclined to pitch my tent in the "benefit of the doubt" camp. Once in awhile I get my ass nipped doing that, but hey-that's life.
Cindy O
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 121
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 7:36:12 AM

OP has added the "no kids" thingy after the fact, to more suit, well, suit the "discussion".


I don't think that's exactly fair. It was likely added to address the posters that couldn't understand why a woman wouldn't marry such a guy. It was suggested over and over again that she should probably be in a relationship with the FWB. There are a multitude of reasons why you wouldn't marry an "awesome, brilliant" guy, but some posters seemed to question whether there was a valid reason in her case. She probably presented it to get that issue out of the mix.

I have a few guy friends that are definitely relationship material...for someone else. I personally have never had sex with them, but that's because I'm a jealous and territorial person. I can handle a lot of things, but being buddy-buddy with a girl that has taken my guy to the heights of pleasure isn't one of them. Since I can't handle it, I don't ask him to. Every guy my boyfriend associates with from my life has never seen me naked. I live a drama-free life and prefer to keep it that way. :)

I don't see anything wrong with her having an ex-FWB and a BF so long as he's ok with it. If he's not, then she'll have to choose. If she chooses to keep the ex-FWB but still wants to keep the BF, then it's up to the BF to determine if she'll get what she wants. We can want whatever is under the sun when it comes to relationships, but it's up to another person to determine if we get it. She's done the right thing in giving him the information he needs to make the best decision for him. She could have easily never brought it up and used the, "but you never asked if we did it doggie style," defense.

We all have different values, but so long as hers and his match up, then there shouldn't be any problem.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 122
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 8:26:34 AM
I don't think that's exactly fair. It was likely added to address the posters that couldn't understand why a woman wouldn't marry such a guy.


Let's see now.

First,




I've been friends with him for a few years, and we get along well in every respect - except he is too young and not necesarily relationship material - even though he's awesome, brilliant, kind and has my back no matter what.


Then it was the not being able to supply a baby.

And then,,,


Funny, my friend and I were talking and I asked him what happened between us (I NEVER talk about it, but this post had me thinking).


I'm betting(if I was a betting man) that the FWB made the OP a FWB herself because of things HE saw in HER. And, in my mind, she is making sure her "BF" eliminates her out of his life, for whatever reason she has bouncing around in her head.
 ellymyosotis
Joined: 3/29/2013
Msg: 123
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 8:46:09 AM
You need to think is this boyfriend a risk ? And in that I mean is sex more inportant than the person.

There is nothing wrong with havng a FWB but a new relationship has to know when they are dropped you have a stud to ring to satisfy. That is not a good basis for a relationship.

Maybe you need to talk to your FWB about how this is affecting his life also?
 eve1962
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 124
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 9:20:33 AM
I haven't read the whole thread - too long for me. But if I met someone and we started a relationship and he told me one of his female friends used to be a FWB and he still saw her, slept over a her place, etc, I'd run a mile.

I'm older and I guess more old-fashioned and I really don't get the FWB - I honestly believe that one of the people involved will be hoping it would turn into more and just doing the FWB with that hope in mind.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 125
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 2:04:04 PM

But if I met someone and we started a relationship and he told me one of his female friends used to be a FWB and he still saw her, slept over a her place, etc, I'd run a mile.

+1

And most people would, and I think the boyfriend here will too.

It's really not complicated.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > FWB and new BF