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 AUTHOR
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 126
FWB and new BFPage 6 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
There are a multitude of reasons why you wouldn't marry an "awesome, brilliant" guy, but some posters seemed to question whether there was a valid reason in her case.

There are good reasons one doesn't want to go from FWB or casual dating (which can be basically the same with different expectations) to LTR. It doesn't mean one doesn't give a sh!t about the other... one can be uber-religious when the other is not... one can be great to spend free-time lives with, but not to mesh lives completely with.

That happens when you get involved with people who are much older or younger. When you start sleeping together, it changes things whether you like to ignore it or not -- especially if you keep hanging out and sleep together again once mutually single, like she did. That's when you should back away after a while of doing that, even if you don't have a new BF/GF and you're in the "off again" phase with them. In a nutshell, it's an purposely orchestrated on-again-off-again (casual) bf/gf situation. Not good for the long run -- either fish or cut bait -- for the sake of any developing Relationship with someone else.

I can handle a lot of things, but being buddy-buddy with a girl that has taken my guy to the heights of pleasure isn't one of them. Since I can't handle it, I don't ask him to. Every guy my boyfriend associates with from my life has never seen me naked. I live a drama-free life and prefer to keep it that way. :)

I think that's how most people are -- the natural human condition. :) Although many may not be "territorial", that's not required -- they don't like their new "guy or gal" to be hanging around ex's of any type for fun & bonding -- whether it be an ex wife, LTR GF/BF, casual-tried-but-failed GF/BF, FWB, etc.

I don't see anything wrong with her having an ex-FWB and a BF so long as he's ok with it.

Well, it depends to what extent she "has" the ex. Just because she may not be betraying him because he didn't want to be controlling, doesn't mean it's "okay" in general. Also -- what's "okay" to him? Him saying "I can't stop you"? It doesn't mean one's being okay. In my first post in this thread, I proposed showing her posts to her BF and see how he'd react... Hey, you never know -- he could be 100% fine with it and have females he porks when he's single and wants to go hiking and crash with them when he's with the OP. To each is own if they're fully aware AND 100% just-fine with it. But even in those rare situations -- may not be the wisest thing to do, if you take the new Relationship seriously.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 127
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 4:26:26 PM
Well, I finally told my friend that we needed to stop communicating for a while because I'm having difficulty forming a bond with any other guy while he (my friend) and I continue our unconventional friendship. And I think it's the same for him. During our entire friendship, he's dated a few times but he's never found anyone to be a good fit. I think we're both interfering with each other's ability to develop any deep relationship with anyone else, even though we don't find each other to be the ideal BF/GF (that's why we don't go forward with that kind of relationship). We're going cold turkey on communications of any kind. I think about 6 months ago, we went through a "cooling off" period - actually a total freeze - on any communications, but then he texted me after a week and then we were communicating again. It's hard because we fill each other's emotional needs for a relationship - so really, any guy or girl is basically "extra", whereas, we (my friend and I) are permanent. So that's it, we're not talking, not seeing each other, cold turkey. He's usually the person I communicate with the most on a daily basis - like every morning, noon and night - he starts it with his good morning text and ends it with his good night. It'll be weird not having that. (*sad*)
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 128
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 4:34:27 PM

It's hard because we fill each other's emotional needs for a relationship - so really, any guy or girl is basically "extra", whereas, we (my friend and I) are permanent.

That's what I've been saying.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 129
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/20/2013 8:43:43 PM

I haven't read the whole thread - too long for me. But if I met someone and we started a relationship and he told me one of his female friends used to be a FWB and he still saw her, slept over a her place, etc, I'd run a mile.


I'm the same way. I met a man a few years ago, who told me he and his FWB were still bosom buddies. I let him know in no uncertain terms that there was only room for two bosoms in any relationship I was involved in---and they'd better be mine.
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 130
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/21/2013 1:37:54 AM

I let him know in no uncertain terms that there was only room for two bosoms in any relationship I was involved in---and they'd better be mine.

Now that's gold! lol
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 131
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/21/2013 5:08:07 AM
So that's it, we're not talking, not seeing each other, cold turkey. He's usually the person I communicate with the most on a daily basis - like every morning, noon and night - he starts it with his good morning text and ends it with his good night. It'll be weird not having that. (*sad*)


Good luck OP. You may find this scenario a little tougher to deal with than an actual "official" relationship breakup. But, in the same breath, your consideration for your "new" one is starting to show.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 132
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/21/2013 10:16:35 AM

(superwoman1313) Your BF should appreciate your honesty, and if you continue to be honest it shouldn't be an issue.


That's not too far removed from saying that you should appreciate the honesty of your spouse who confesses his/her adultery to you. Better that she not have anything dramatic to be honest about. You know, like an adult.


BF said it was ok, so tell him what your plans are and go for it.


BF said nothing of the sort. He said that he couldn't stop OP from seeing her friend.


Remind your BF that if it bothers him to let you know.


That's a douche move. She can't handle her drama, so she puts the onus on her BF to deal with it... :rolleyhes:
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 133
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/21/2013 12:47:31 PM

Anyone capable of a long term FWB does not properly bond indicating a personality disorder. Until she exibits remorse the changes will be lateral IMO.

You don't really know what people are capable of - beyond yourself. Many people are capable of bonding AND of being in an FWB for a long time - depending on where they are in life. Absolute statements like the one I quoted assume you know more about humanity than you actually do.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 134
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/21/2013 3:23:04 PM
Of course, people who leap into any "real" relationship opportunity that presents itself, and therefore go thru repeat scenarios of failed relationships and all the negative things that go along with those types of events, are to be considered models of sanity? This question is not directed to mysterous stranger,btw.
So, someone who has about a dozen exes should be considered a much more emotionally stable person than one who either has a longterm,(perhaps intermittently) FwB, or someone who has a longstanding "non-traditional" relationship( they don't cohabit or have intentions to marry) ?
I'm not sure I can totally agree with that. I just cannot see a person who is going through life creating a trail of failed relationships, or who abandons friends to appease some new person in their life, as being any better an example of mental and emotional health. I don't see people who choose to live autonomously a,dating when it suits them to do so,(as long as they do not mislead anyone they are dating!)-as being particularly unhealthy, either.
Sorry, I do think that FwB has it's place in the spectrum of sociosexual bonding.

I hope that the OP's decision to completely break from her friend is not one she ends up regretting, but I can understand how she feels pressured to do so. To be fair, though, perhaps a complete break WILL prevent potential relationship partners from being unfavorably compared. And I AM going to give the OP( and her fxwb) the courtesy and respect of accepting their judgement of not being a good match for a committed LTR.

Too bad there are so many people who DON'T have that insight, -maybe if there were we wouldn't have such a high percentage of failed relationships.
Cindy O
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 135
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/21/2013 3:55:24 PM

So, someone who has about a dozen exes should be considered a much more emotionally stable person than one who either has a longterm,(perhaps intermittently) FwB, or someone who has a longstanding "non-traditional" relationship( they don't cohabit or have intentions to marry) ?
I'm not sure I can totally agree with that. I just cannot see a person who is going through life creating a trail of failed relationships, or who abandons friends to appease some new person in their life, as being any better an example of mental and emotional health.


The only thing that came to mind when reading your latest post is a quote: "I have learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others—they are more screwed up than you think."
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 136
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/21/2013 5:47:14 PM

Anyone capable of a long term FWB does not properly bond indicating a personality disorder. Until she exibits remorse the changes will be lateral IMO.


Don't you actually mean anyone who does not behave in the way that YOU find socially acceptable does not properly bond and has a personality disorder? Not the first time you have used the bonding argument and I am sure it is not the last time we will see it.


Peaceful Garden:^^^Good on you, and I mean that. Shows heaps of compassion and good will. My point was not to assume the growth is more than lateral. However it may be profound growth in this case and you may be very much on target. We as humans all work together, sharing info and different perspectives for growth. Apparently optimism and inspiring others are some of your gifts.


mysterious_stranger in response to the above

Well thanks- and you know I like your posts on pof too even when we have slightly different perspectives - i think you make a lot of good points- and that I also think a lot of posters in the forums are crazy- especially in the other topic. Personally I love to argue with people lol but I also like it when people get something out of talking with others.


What is this, the mutual pat each other on the back for being narrow-minded and judgmental?

All that aside, to the OP. I am a very strong proponent of OS friendship, in your case, however, I do see a problem. You go back to sleeping with this guy after every other relationship fails, perhaps that is a big part of the reason you are having trouble with relationships. Not because you have problems bonding, seems you are doing that quite well with one person, but because of this person you are not bonding so well with other men. The way I see it is that you do not have to put any effort in any relationship because if it fails, you just go back to plan b and life is simple because you get sex and friendship without any of the work a relationship involves. So yes, until you can stay out of each other's beds, I think it might be a good idea if you don't see each other and do not go back to him if you and the current BF break up.

JMO

Good luck.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 137
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/21/2013 7:07:41 PM
I really appreciate everyone's posts, positive, negative, condemning, judgmental, supportive. All of it gives me a different perspective that I otherwise wouldn't have.

The one thing that really interests me though is Trout's opinion and attitude. Seriously, I think you have either a lack of positive experiences with respect to relationships with the opposite sex or just a lack of experience. With such vehemently negative reactions, I'm not sure you can survive the ups and downs of a relationship. As long as you simply find your posts to be entertaining, that's cool (because I do find your posts kind of funny) - but if you are serious and you are really that angry, I would suggest calming down or you might give yourself a hematoma. I have to say though, I love weird dorky guys - most of my friends are maladjusted and funny.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 138
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/21/2013 7:16:17 PM
Oh yaaaa, someone said something about exhibiting remorse? What for? I haven't cheated on anyone, I haven't been dishonest, either by outright lie or omission. And don't feel sorry for my current BF, the man is deliriously happy - it's not that he's nutless, but because I'm actually very sweet and nice to him. I know I have double standards, I'm sometimes dingy, I have many flaws, but I usually tell a guy from the get-go -- I mean from the FIRST meet and greet -- actually sometimes from the first conversation. I think that's much better than finding out after months of dating, don't you think?
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 139
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/21/2013 10:03:57 PM
Ochikergirl;

Ideally, based on your decision to discontinue communication with your friend, it would be very helpful and important to your emotional health and growth to learn to detach by allowing yourself to "feel" the resulting negative emotions. This is very normal and healthy to experience after detaching and important before you can truly move on. An important part of growing/maturing/evolving that is lost on many. You may be surprised at just what could surface that may be deeply buried, or not.

I hope that you don't just "jump" into the new bf relationship without allowing due time to process those emotions, thereby substituting one attachment for another. This substituting is the very behaviour that is subtly and ultimately, emotionally damaging/stifling and self eroding over time, reinforcing the negative feelings. And, you would be cheating yourself out of a very valuable and healthy experience otherwise, even though painful initially, passing on a great opportunity at emotional growth and balance and a deeper sense of calm, leading partly towards an ability to love unconditionally. Without this process/experience, you will be stuck in being selfish, manipulating and continued acting out in an attempt to eradicate the negative feelings (stunted emotional growth) which is impossible to do.

Feelings never go away. Emotions come and go but not feelings. You can alter those feelings based on your decisions/actions/reactions to your emotions but you cannot make your feelings go away. They are and will always be an important part of your identity.

Spending time alone to reflect and analyze is a very important part of this process. You may be surprised at the emotional growth that can be achieved, greatly enhancing emotional/physical intimacy with a future partner instead of just acting out (FWB). You will gain a new, more healthy perspective on your current friendship as well.

Many people do not take the time to allow for this process and is a significant reason for so many negative relationship issues.

To use your example of being sweet and nice to your new bf and how selfishness can be disguised.
I don't know your intentions and I'm not judging, but one can be sweet and nice from a selfish state, expecting a reaction or outcome/result.
And, one can be sweet and nice from a caring state, no expectations at all.

Accept or reject as you will.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 140
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/22/2013 6:14:25 AM
QT
I absolutely think the world of you,and most of your posts are pretty spot on.
But in this case, we are talking about the OP putting some distance between herself and a friendship that has some (possibly) counterproductive aspects...NOT her shooting and burying the poor guy! There is considerable merit to what you say, but I think you are making it much more complex than it needs to be.
And I cannot completely agree with you that someone having a FwB, as opposed to either a SO or complete singlehood/"time alone", is always a case of "acting out".
Correct me if I am misunderstanding here-but it sounds to me like you are telling the OP that now she has distanced from her FxwB, she should also break up with her new "official" BF?
With all due respect, QT-if this IS what you are saying, I HAVE TO respond with a resounding "WTF?! WTH!? "
( I think I already used "are you out of your-ever-lovin' mind!? earlier in this topic)

Let there be no misunderstanding, I am not disputing that "spending time alone" can be a VERY valuable experience, and I don't disagree that too many people make a pattern of rushing from one relationship to the next without taking time to reflect, assess and heal. But I also think that people can OVERDO the analysis, refelction, healing and "spending time alone" and develop what appears to be a "healthy" singlehood lifestyle, but is actually just emotional paralysis. Again, let me differentiate-yes there is such an animal as a healthy,happy singlehood lifestyle, and I sometimes wonder if it's an "animal" unfairly neglected/vilified-but I cannot n good conscience tell someone to "spend time alone" when they have a developing relationship that (thus far) isn't exhibiting symptoms of dysfunction. People also make the mistake of seeking a relationship that is completely dysfunction-free.
THAT animal DOESN'T exist!!
Cindy O
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 141
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/22/2013 7:35:47 AM
ladyc4
QT? Are you referring to 63T?
I will assume that you are referring to 63T.
The O.p should definitely use her judgment and descretion. There is not a one size fits all and my post is meant to be a guideline, not an absolute. I'm trying to cover much ground with very limited resources. If, however, she feels appropriate to sever completely, then it would be perfectly valid to do so.

The O.p has admitted to sexual activity out of convenience, loneliness and confusion. This form of "acting out" or reacting to the negative feelings, emotions with the "benefit" or intention to block or substitute negative feelings for the experience of pleasure only reinforces the negative feelings over time, increasing the need to act out as an only known way to deal with the negative feelings/emotions. She has seemingly realized this in an earlier post for which, I congratulated her. Is this not essentially the supposed "benefit" in a FWB? How can this be emotionally healthy under any circumstance? Sex is a VERY powerful and complex emotional activity, negatively or positively.

Regarding

OVERDO the analysis, refelction, healing and "spending time alone" and develop what appears to be a "healthy" singlehood lifestyle, but is actually just emotional paralysis


People also make the mistake of seeking a relationship that is completely dysfunction-free.
THAT animal DOESN'T exist!!

I'm not advocating trading one unhealthy attachment for another. But rather, to work through her issues to realize a more balanced state and a resulting emotional maturity to be able to make healthy relational decisions. Having accepting and appreciating friends with attentive ears, not selfish and manipulating predators who would take advantage of her vulnerability, can be very helpful as well as spending time alone. Just resist the urge to "act out" sexually as I've defined previously. Unless, Ochikergirl gets a handle on her issues, she will be bringing dysfunction to a new relationship however minor or major it may be. All of this is a life long and a beautiful, evolving process. Not an end goal.
I hope I am a little more clear in my explanation.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 142
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/22/2013 8:15:05 AM
And don't feel sorry for my current BF, the man is deliriously happy - it's not that he's nutless, but because I'm actually very sweet and nice to him.

Him being gleeful when with you, and you being otherwise great to him -- will put him in position not to ruin things. One could call him 'nutless' but that may be a stretch -- it depends on how & what you exactly told him.

If he read the posts -- but they were cut off before you realized this wasn't such a good idea -- and he still said, "Okay, you're all good - have fun!" -- then sure, I'd say he's at least being nutless (if he wasn't hooking up with other girls). But we're all more susceptible to being that way at least to some degree when we're really happy in a new relationship -- we're much more prone to turning a blind eye or not causing a ruckus that could easily cause things going off on the wrong foot. If it were so easy to bring issue to it, it wouldn't require nuts. :)

I know I have double standards, I'm sometimes dingy, I have many flaws, but I usually tell a guy from the get-go -- I mean from the FIRST meet and greet -- actually sometimes from the first conversation. I think that's much better than finding out after months of dating, don't you think?

I do. But that doesn't resolve things whatsoever, either, if the other person's game for a Relationship. That also helps lessen the blow and allows ya to "get away" with more from the get-go. Combine that with a guy being so happy getting/having you, you have much more free reign for quite a while, compared to others' typical situations (which is why some people do it, subconsciously; they'll have their way more with less consequences).

When you're single again and you go out on a date with a guy who's datable and you say that -- don't take "but I told you" as any excuse for them not to ever be upset, even by 1%. You're a pretty woman. When you like a guy (like your new BF), I'm sure there's a ton of positive qualities he's really going to like, too. I'm just saying -- don't let that make you think, along with a forewarning, that it should give you ethical elbow room to do things that avg-Jane really shouldn't, just because in the guy's eyes he's more emotionally prepared and also happy with you.

And definitely with the new BF -- if you start feeling "bored" and frustrated, say a month or two down the line because it's "just him" for male attention as well as the honeymoon phase being totally over -- then hold off on your past FWB/On-Again-Off-Again-Ex-Whos-a-Friend-Too AND also hold off finding a new guy at all and work to resolve things. Hopefully with your new BF thinks work out great!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 143
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/22/2013 8:17:41 AM
63T
yes- I screwed up and misread your ID- apparently I hadn't ingested sufficient caffeine at the time of that post.
I completely understand the points you are presenting, BUT

There is not a one size fits all


It could have been-as I mentioned-due to insufficient caffeine intake at the time, but it did look as though you were telling the OP to not only end contact with her F(x)wB, but to also end the developing "real" relationship with the other man( her BF). Yes, there is a possibility that continuing with the "real" BF is somehow unhealthy. But there are also people who frequent these forums who seem to be on some kind of sabotage mission, continuously advocating celibacy( except for "very serious" relationships) and telling people who have the SLIGHTEST question or concern about their current sociosexual involvement-to end that involvement. I suspect these saboteurs are bitter people with an agenda to fulfill. I AM NOT putting you into that classification, let me make that crystal clear!
I just hate to think that one or more of the 'saboteurs" will get a foothold in this thread and the OP will again bow to the "wisdom" of the forum by terminating this developing relationship.
Then after a period of sitting in her house staring at the wall and wondering "what the hell just happened!?" she will be back there "acting out"(LOL).
Generally speaking, I've always thought that ochikers' topics and posts indicate a reasonably stable , savvy and functional human being.
Good Lord folks,lets not screw that up!!
Cindy O
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 144
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/22/2013 9:23:10 AM

(mysterious_stranger) I understand arguing against that last poster, but on what planet are you still seeing that ochiker cannot "handle her drama"?


Simple: she can't decide, on her own, how to behave respectfully towards her BF, so she dumps her emotional turmoil (which she could resolve very easily by determining to behave like a 40 year-old woman, not a 16 year-old child) on her BF. He didn't *NEED* to know about the FwB, and if she had handled her affairs like an adult, he would never have.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 145
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/22/2013 10:52:08 AM

(WIP) Many people are capable of bonding AND of being in an FWB for a long time - depending on where they are in life.


Many people are also capable of turning a blind eye to what they know to be wrong. Kitty Genovese comes to mind. But, we're not discussing psychological pathologies here -- we're discussing stupid little-girl antics, and someone who isn't able to see the glaringly obvious (don't hang out with former/future lovers while in a relationship -- D'UH).
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 146
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/22/2013 11:00:31 AM

(ochikergirl) I really appreciate everyone's posts, positive, negative, condemning, judgmental, supportive. All of it gives me a different perspective that I otherwise wouldn't have.

The one thing that really interests me though is Trout's opinion and attitude.


Why, thanks!


Seriously, I think you have either a lack of positive experiences with respect to relationships with the opposite sex or just a lack of experience.


Wrong, and really wrong. I just have a very low tolerance for people who are behaving so in denial of reality, that it makes my gums ache.


With such vehemently negative reactions, I'm not sure you can survive the ups and downs of a relationship.


I guess we'll both see, won't we? At least I won't cripple my chances right from the get-go by hanging on to a former/future/whenever it's convenient FwB, and expect my SO to be good with that.


As long as you simply find your posts to be entertaining, that's cool ...


Yes, in this instance I post solely for my own amusement, because I seriously believe that you are impervious to real insight (as opposed to your superficial change in strategy)...
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 147
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/22/2013 11:44:02 AM
Trout: "Wrong, and really wrong. I just have a very low tolerance for people who are behaving so in denial of reality, that it makes my gums ache."

lol - I told you that you need to calm down or you will give yourself a hematoma. And there you are, your gums are aching. If your gums are hurting and blue, it truly can be hematoma. OR you might just be cutting teeth which babies tend to do. Calm down.

I'm glad you post for your amusement since, although I am open to all posts (regardless of negativity), I do filter out the useless ones.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 148
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/22/2013 11:59:20 AM
Trout: "Many people are also capable of turning a blind eye to what they know to be wrong. Kitty Genovese comes to mind."

I don't particularly recall the details of this case. But I seem to recal that Kitty Genovese was the subject of a brutal murder by a necropheliac in the 1960s. Among the other things that was came out of this case was the fact that supposedly the bystanders allowed the murder to take place. But Trout, it was later discovered that this analysis was incomplete in that the reason the bystanders did not react was because they did not know that there was anything so major going on - they thought it to be a minor lovers quarrel. SO, the people did not intervene because they didn't have enough information to go on.

Your analogy is totally off and kind of creepy. I doubt that my having an FWB relationship and my indifferent attitude (according to you) would equate to Kitty Genovese, and it's weird that you actually thought of that case in thinking of my posts. Again, calm down.

I don't want anyone to be upset, or frustrated or angry. For me, this was supposed to be partially for amusement, partially for information, and partially for social interaction. I'm not on the forum for anything super serious. Please be happy, and don't take any posts (mine or any others) too serious. To be honest, this whole thing is stressing me out, so I'll try to refrain from posting. I just wanted to give my sincere thanks.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 149
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/22/2013 1:24:46 PM

Your analogy is totally off and kind of creepy. I doubt that my having an FWB relationship and my indifferent attitude (according to you) would equate to Kitty Genovese, and it's weird that you actually thought of that case in thinking of my posts.

Trout wasn't equating your situation at all with it. He was talking about the concept turning a blind-eye, which that case was about. Here's a snippet about the case & the concept of a blind-eye:

The Kitty Genovese story has come to represent a sociological phenomenon now called Genovese syndrome. It only takes a few minutes of googling her name to come up with many examples of people who could have come to the aid of someone else but did not. Also known as the bystander effect or diffusion of responsibility, sociologists have discovered that the more people there are who witness a wrong situation, the fewer there are who will actually stand up and say something.

Onlookers can have blind-eyes to things, but I think in relation to this thread, it'd be the BF/GF who turns a blind-eye to their SO fraternizing with a former/future lover.... or a BF/GF turning a blind-eye to themselves in any wrong-doing. Many people do this (without remote thoughts or actions about physical harm) -- it's what I call the "me me me"/"I deserve I deserve"/"I'm looking out for myself" syndrome.

I've turned a blind eye before with a gal before we were BF/GF and were just starting to see each other. We weren't SOs but we were down that alley. Having friends turn blind eyes to your wrong-doings (out of 'loyalty'), you turning a blind eye to what's done to yourself or what you do to others -- unfortunately is too-common on small scales, and doesn't lead to the good.

For me, this was supposed to be partially for amusement, partially for information, and partially for social interaction.

Why amusement if it was a real situation and you really thought it was a serious subject? If it was a real, non-exaggerated situation and you did it partially out of amusement, maybe you'd see your new BF partially out of amusement? If it was a subject about interesting positions of sex with your new BF, then I could see it being partially for amusement, partially for info & people's take on it...

I'm not on the forum for anything super serious.

Nobody's really on here to pick up chicks or dudes (at least I'd hope not).... :)

To be honest, this whole thing is stressing me out, so I'll try to refrain from posting. I just wanted to give my sincere thanks.

I think you've taken some harsh criticism here and there, but I think it's cool you've at least acknowledged awareness about it all -- whether that's 100% true or somewhat for diplomatic purposes to folks. In any event, you can obviously still read the posts here with your account gone... it's good you asked questions about your situation and stopped ties (at least temporarily) with your FWB to settle in with your new BF. Good luck!
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 150
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FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/22/2013 2:18:37 PM

I don't want anyone to be upset, or frustrated or angry. For me, this was supposed to be partially for amusement, partially for information, and partially for social interaction. I'm not on the forum for anything super serious. Please be happy, and don't take any posts (mine or any others) too serious. To be honest, this whole thing is stressing me out, so I'll try to refrain from posting. I just wanted to give my sincere thanks.

This is rather dismissive.
You certainly don't have to tolerate abuse. However, it is OK, Ochikergirl, if some posters wish to be upset, or frustrated or angry or, whether or not they wish to be taken seriously. It's their choice.

With much respect, it really isn't within your control or responsibility to want them to act or express differently. I hope you understand this and how this reflects on you. I'm not trying to be mean at all, but trying to offer some valid perspective. Do you understand how the above quoted could add fuel to a fire? And, how this really speaks to your current state of mind?

I can certainly appreciate your current stressful state. This would be worthwhile to address and discuss. Part of the reason that you are stressed may very well have much to do with your dismissiveness.
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